How to Help Big Sister Adjust to Baby Brother

My older daughter was 3 when her little sister was born. We had a VERY hard time with the first few months. On the one hand, my daughter seemed fascinated by her baby sister, but on the other hand, she felt jealous of her and was clearly resentful despite our efforts to spend one on one time with her, etc.

Someone got me the book Siblings Without Rivalry, and the one thing that really hit home was that bringing home a new baby and expecting your child to immediately love this new baby is a little like if your husband were to bring home a cute new wife, and telling you that he still loves you but isn't this new wife cute? And in time, you will grow to love this new wife! And be nice to the new wife because she can't defend herself... and everyone who comes over only wants to look at and talk to the new wife... WELL, that pretty much said it all to me! I had never thought of it that way, but clearly this was how my older daughter was feeling. Even though she knew that she SHOULD love the new baby, she just didn't, because children aren't programmed to want to share their parents' love and attention at that age. And from her perspective, the whole thing was a bad deal for her and she didn't see any reason to change that perspective.

Obviously there's no way to change the older child's perspective on this. It is what it is. But if you acknowledge their feelings ("Are you feeling a little sad because I have to spend so much time with Baby, feeding him and changing him and putting him to bed?"), and maybe talk about how it was when your daughter was a baby, especially if you can show her pictures ("Here's a picture of you when you were Baby's age - see how cute you were? I am so glad that you are a big girl now, because now we can have fun together at the park, and I love how you help me when we cook dinner too!") Just acknowledge that although she is not the new baby anymore, it's okay because she is growing up, and that's a good thing too. Over time as your son gets older, he will be more fun and she'll like him better.

Your post brought to mind that when my youngest was 3 months old, she was sitting in a bouncy seat and my older daughter was singing to her. I thought, oh, how sweet! And then I listened to the song she was singing. The lyrics went, "I'm the first one, I'm the best one, and you're the stinky baby, the stinky stinky baby!" And my little one was in the bouncy seat, kicking and smiling, just thrilled that big sister was singing to her! Makes me laugh to this day!

First of all congratulations on your new baby boy!

Rest assured that the issues you are experiencing with your four year old are so very normal. One thing that is characteristic for your daughter's age is that she feels she needs to be heard and that she is important.

Here are a few suggestion. Try what works and toss what doesn't but whatever you do be consistent. If you are not consistent, you will send mixed messages to your daughter and eventually your son and not create the outcomes you desire.

First, give your daughter reassurance that she still has an important role in the family. Foster her impending independence by giving her choices of things she would like to do to help out. She can hand you diapers or wipes, or read /tell a story to the baby, help you gather ingredients for dinner... you decide. Give her lots of positive feedback for her legitimate roles that she plays.

Second, show your daughter pictures of herself when she was a baby. Show her how little and fragile she was and how everyone was gentle with her and that is why she has grown so big

Third, it is time to set limits. Tell her that she may not poke her brother and that if she CHOOSES to do so, there will be a consequence ... such as removal of her favorite toy or something else of value to her (tv show, dessert etc). You and your husband should be on the same page and be very consistent.

As for the regression of bedtime, this too is normal. Introduce a clock, and consider allowing her a choice of two or three rewards that you are comfortable with if she manages to go to bed on time.

Most importantly, your daughter needs to feel your love and feel valued as a member of the family

Hope this helps. Feel free to reach out directly to me if you would like.

Hi N.,

I know this is a hard time for you. My only advice is to continue to do what you are doing, and wait it out. Your daughter may require a longer adjustment period. Every child is an individual. My son was so jealous of his sister when she was born, and he was almost 5! It was hard, but I just had to continue to reassure him of my love for him. He was insecure, and I know how that feels. It's terrible. I jsut tried to offer him what I thought I would want and need, if I were the one feeling jealousy and insecurity. He adjusted just fine, though, and now he is very close with her. Hang in there. It will get better. : )

K.

Hello N.,

What I would try is to include her in the things you are doing for your baby. Let her hand you the wipes when you need to change a diaper, let her hand you what you need for different things as long as it is safe stuff like a particular teething toy or the powder or a burping towel. Let her feel included in things you do. Maybe let her have a wet rag to help you wipe down the table after a meal. That way she doesn't feel like she is being ignored and all. It is normal for the older child to feel jealous when you have to spend so much time with the youngest. It would also be good to spend the time when the baby is sleeping with the older child one-on-one. I know that means not catching a nap yourself, but it will make the transition easier as well. When she pokes and prods at the baby, don't just say gentle, show her what you mean by gentle and take her hand and so a gentle movement with it on the baby. That will teach her what you mean. My boys are 5 years apart and this is all I did and my oldest son still sometimes would feel ignored, but he stopped acting out so much when I started letting him help me with his brother and other things I was doing. Of course he did the stuff at his level of doing things and I would sometimes have to redo things when it came to cleaning, but it made him feel like he was a part of something.

D. P.

My children are around the same distance yours are. My daughter wanted to be a big part of the babies care. I would involve her with every feeding, every diaper change, and encourage her to rest next to him when he's napping. And show her gentle touches and kisses, and allow her to touch him even if your worried about germs. If she thinks he is something she needs to stay away from, it won't work! Once she accepts him as a brother that she loves and not just some baby that has shown up to take mom, she'll love him.

I took my daughter out 1 time per week and left my infant son with my husband. We would go to target to pick out things for the baby and for her, and I would always try to make her feel extra special. Take your daughter out one on one and go get an ice cream sundae or take her to a book store and sit on a couch a read for an hour, just the two of you!

I only have one child (7 year old daughter) so I do not have actual expereince in this area but I do plan on having another one sometime in the near future so I am sure I will be dealing with the same things you are. I think that your daughter needs one-on-one time with you and her father every day, not only once a week. Think about it, before the baby came it was only her so she got one on one time with you guys 24/7. Now she has a little brother to share you and daddy with and having one-on-one time once a week is not enough. Of course that is probably easier said than done but if you could at least spend a little of time each day like 15 minutes to read a book or play a game she likes or the baby's nap tijme could be the time for your one on one time with her. Maybe when one of you are bathing the baby or putting him to bed, the other one can be giving one on one time to your daughter. My daughter loves to have movie nights. That would be something you could all do together but the baby wouldn't be so much involved. I agree with the other posters too, have her get involved in taking care of the baby such as picking out his clothes, playing peek-a-boo with him, getting you the diaper to change him, even though he is only 3 months you could have her show him how a game she likes is played. As I said before, I don't have actual experience in this area these are just ideas I have for when I have another one. I hope it helps.

Hi. Try to give your daughter one on one attention everyday - 20 minutes at least. When the baby is napping or just lying quietly, spend quality time with her playing and before you start, say,"It's ______________ (daughter's name) turn." Then give attention to your baby and you can involve your daughter by just having her show him things, holding up blocks, stuffed animals, etc. and telling him what they are. This will reinforce language skills and make your daughter bond with her baby brother and she will feel like she is helping. Let her help with anything you can, like changing the diaper - she can hand you the diaper, press her hand on the sticky tape like she is helping. If she doesn't know what taking turns is, you can practice this term, by starting with a simple exercise: Kiss your daughter and say, " ___________'s turn. Then kiss your baby and say his name and that it is his turn. You can say, "Mommy's turn" and lean in for a kiss. When she gets the concept, start playing with her. When you have to give your attention to your baby, whether it is feeding, changing the diaper, etc., always say his name and that it is his turn. My children are 2 years apart and my son had a hard time when my daughter was born. We got him his own "baby" and he changed the diaper and rocked her when we were taking care of our baby daughter. This helped him feel important too.

If she pokes and prods at the baby, don't react to that, but redirect her right away how to touch her brother. When she touches him in the right way, give her attention (hugs, kisses, smile, etc.) She will start to react with positive reinforcement.

I hope this helps and it will not last forever.

I strongly recommend Faber and Mazlish's Siblings Without Rivalry. I haven't actually read this one, but have gotten so much from another book of theirs (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk) that I'm sure this one will be just as sensible, practical, and effective. I have known a couple of other young parents who found it to be solid gold.

Good luck. I'm glad you realize this is not an easy time for your little girl. Her behaviors are her childishly inept attempts at winning back some of the TLC that is being given to her brother. Telling her it's inappropriate, without helping her find more positive alternatives, isn't likely to accomplish much.

Hate to say it, but this is something you should have begun teaching your daughter before baby was even born. I know you sound like a broken record, but you have to create and maintain boundaries with her, the baby, and the rules of the house. Do not ever bend the rules for any reason. I run a pretty tight ship at my house, and have never had any sibling rivalry... maybe because I'm lucky, but mostly because when I was pregnant for the 2nd and 3rd time I made sure the older kids knew what to expect beforehand. Incorporate her with helping with the baby... children that age take great pride in being little helpers as long as you are consistant in giving plenty of praise for their accomplishments. Ask her to bring you a diaper or a burp cloth, make a rule that she is only to touch babys toes and fingers, at bedtime, make a habit of 'give mommy, daddy, and baby brother smooches', etc... this way she is still included and still getting the attention she craves, and you're not pulling your hair out and still getting things done. One on one time once a week isn't cutting it... it's not the QUANTITY of time you spend with her, it's the QUALITY. Even something as simple as a bedtime story, or having her help make lunch will make a world of difference. I know it's WAY easier to do these things yourself, but I think you will see a huge change in her behavior once she starts helping out. Also, now is the time to tell her she can start cleaning up after herself, and give her simple, mundane chores to do daily. My 4 year old has to feed the dog every day (for example). See if any local libraries have a 'big brother and sister' hour, which read books on how awesome it is to being an older sibling, or buy books to read at home. Best wishes!

get her a baby doll. she can take care of it while you take care of your new son... when you are feeding baby she can feed dolly, diapering, cuddling, etc... it's something she can do with you. maybe let her help take care of your son... little things like unfolding his diaper for you when you change him, if you are bottle feeding let her shake the bottle to mix it... etc. at bedtime, let her tell him a bedtime story or sing him a song...that way she is getting that extra bit of attention, and you can stress how she is such a big girl, and such a great big sister for taking care of her little brother! ("see how much he loves when you sing to him!" "look! he's happy you helped mommy make his dinner!")