How to Handle? - Tempe,AZ

I would not tell them that "you won't be getting all the attention and have to share it with their brother."
That is making it seem 'negative' for them, having a baby brother.

My kids are 4 years apart. When I had my 2nd child, I told my daughter that her things are her things and I know it is special. SHE CAN TELL ME, her feelings and can choose what to share or not. I told her that I love her and her brother does too, but he can't talk yet. Each month, I explained to her about her brother's development and how he is changing and what he can or can't do. And that she was like that too, when she was a baby. And that Mommy is always there for her, but I have to tend to her baby brother too. BUT I am there, for her.
I did not make it a competition with her baby brother.
I did not make her baby brother a thing to be against or make it into an 'attention' thing.
I incorporated her INTO it and being a sibling.
She adjusted well. And she adored her baby brother and still does.
She adored her baby brother from day 1.
Because before he was born, I talked with her tons, and also prepped her emotionally and by chatting w/her and doing things w/her. She'd even hug my tummy and sing to her brother in my tummy.
It was not a competition nor a negative thing for her.

Tell her you would love to play with her but that she will have to wait for x minutes until you are done feeding /changing etc. the baby.
Make her feel important by asking her to get a diaper and praising her for what a great big help she is. Tell her the baby is so lucky to have her for a sister and that you don't know what you would do without her.
When you are feeing the baby, you could play a game of cards with her or read her a story.
Don't tell her again that she now has to share time with her brother and that she won't get as much attention as before. While that is certainly true, it seems a little harsh to say to a 5 yo and you do not want her to start resenting him.
Congratulations!!!!

Why on earth would you ever tell your children that they wouldn't be getting as much attention? You know it but you don't say it. Ugh.She's throwing your words right back at you when she asks why he's getting all the attention.

Instead of telling your daughter she'll have to wait give her a time like saying "ok I'm feeding brother right now. He'll be done in 10 minutes. Why don't you get out the game and set everything up. When you are done let me know and we'll see how much longer it'll be until we can play." Or have her pick out a book and sit reading it with her while you nurse.

When my 2nd daughter was 3 1/2 I had twins. She would tell anyone who asked that she didn't like them. We were ok with that since it wasn't her choice to have them join the family. She didn't have to like them but she wasn't allowed to hurt them.

It's a mistake to tell your daughters that they have to share attention with the baby. You'll make them jealous of the baby. You arguing with her is causing the tantrums.

You're kind of lucky that both twins aren't having these fits. You HAVE to give your daughter(s) attention. Sit down with them along with the baby. You can work with your children while you feed the baby. You can ask for help bringing a diaper, singing a song to them while changing him, talking to them. You need to act like your twins matter as much as that baby.

They have been usurped by a little crying stranger in the house. Figure this out before you have a real problem on your hands.

Am I reading this correctly that the baby was only born three days ago? So you've only been home a day or two at the most? I think it's a little too soon to expect your daughter to be better adjusted and to expect her to automatically stop wanting/demanding/needing your attention.

Find a few special toys for her that she gets to play with nearby while you're feeding the baby. Pick things that are quiet, but entertaining, and that can keep her occupied for 30 minutes or so.

At five, she should be able to play independently without needing constant supervision or involvement from an adult.

Your husband should spend a little more time with her and not go straight back to work when the baby is only three days old.

Find jobs she can do to feel helpful and included in caring for her brother. Ask her to fetch diapers and wipes, bring a blanket or toy, give a good night kiss, etc.

Anyway, if it's really only been three days, the whole thing sounds really weird to me.

I read stories to my older kids while I was nursing the baby. That was a nice, special time for us.
I never really played with my children so they wouldn't have thought of asking me to play. They had good imaginations and played well either with each other or by themselves.
Though honestly if you had a baby three days ago your husband should be helping you out more, you need to heal. Can't he take a break from work to take the twins to the park or out to lunch or something?

It's not unusual for a child to be jealous of the new baby. It disrupts the family as she knows it. It disrupts HER life - makes it (gasp!) different. So she gets upset. It's easy to understand why.

When we had a new baby I would talk, talk, talk with my older children. Talking with them brings them into the new circle rather than leaving them out of it.

I would invite them to go with me when I took Baby into the bedroom for a change, or when I was giving Baby a bath, or anything else that needed to be done. I would explain what I was doing: "This is how I fold the diaper. He needs a diaper because he can't use the toilet yet - he's not big enough. When you were his size, you couldn't do anything for yourself, either, so I had to help you just as I help your brother now. Would you like to help, too? I could use help getting that clean diaper - it's over there on the bottom shelf." If she decides to help, well and good; if she doesn't, that's all right, too.

When I sat down to nurse Baby, it was always time to read to the older one(s). When I had to deal with a crying spell from Baby, it was a great time for the other children to play a game in the room with me, and I could sometimes play with them from a distance.

When your daughter says, "You give him all the attention!" you can say, "I sure do give him a lot of attention, don't I? It's what babies need. When you were a baby I had to give you attention all the time until you could start learning to do things for yourself. You kept me busy! - but I was glad to do it because I loved you then, and I love you now. We'll need to show that kind of love to Little Brother until he gets big enough to learn things. Now, go bring me your book and we'll read a story together."

A whole lot of this depends on your own attitude, no matter how tired or flustered you are. Just as you don't like hearing people tell YOU, "You've gotta wait," or, "Go away and I might have time for you later," your child doesn't like it either. A firm but very *friendly* attitude on M.'s part helps children to adjust more easily. She'll really take her cues from you.

Make some special one-on-one time for each of your children weekly, or if possible, daily. This might be nearly impossible for a month or so while you integrate your new son (congrats!) into the family. But find every minute possible to reassure your twins of your love and delight that they are here, too. (Both girls, not just the needy one.)

Until that's possible, empathize with your daughter, ideally BETWEEN the times when she's feeling displaced, not during. (During feeding sessions can be good – Instead of just getting up to leave the room, you might try inviting her to come sit with you during the feedings so you can chat with her). Tell her with hugs and tenderness that you KNOW how hard this is for her. Tell her stories about how you've been there, and what you learned from it. Assure her that you trust her to grow and learn (give examples if you can; kids love stories about themselves). Ask her how she thinks she can handle her feelings better. Remind her that when she was new, she needed your attention, her brother does right now. And assure her that as her brother grows and becomes less helpless, you'll be able to give the rest of the family more of your time again.

Don't tell her she'll eventually love her brother. I recall my mom telling me this when my baby sister was born (I was 8), and how much I resented her assumption. Turned out I adored the baby, but I really would have been helped if it wasn't 'assumed' I would get there. And how I hated parental reminders that life was tough and us kids just had to adjust to that cruel fact. In my family, that was used as the reason for anything that made our lives harder. I always wondered why people had children if they planned to teach them they had to live a hard life of demands and denial. (I didn't yet know about the lack of reliable birth control for my mother's generation.)

The result of genuine empathy is often awesome for a child who's feeling left out, angry or frustrated. I know this will put some extra burden on you. Changes always do that. But I think you'll find the payoff, often over just days, more than worth it.

For more excellent parent coaching, I strongly recommend that wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The same brilliant authors have also written a book I haven't read: Siblings Without Rivalry. I've heard it's also super.

I agree you should include her more. Instead of saying you'll be getting less attention say we all need help in taking care of your brother. Kids of her age can be great help in caring for a baby. My oldest was 3 1/2 when her sister was born and honestly I don't think she got less attention just different types of attention.

You can read a story while feeding or holding the baby. Your twins can help at changing and bath time. You can still go for walks and to the park. Soon they will be able to "entertain" their brother. There is nothing more fascinating to an infant then other children and pets.

Try to put the most positive spin on this that you can. It's her little brother, you want to encourage protectiveness and love, not resentment.

The best thing I did for my daughter when our son was born was to be intentional about making time just for her. And it was best if we did something outside of the house so baby brother couldn't interrupt. If your husband works at home set up a day when as soon as baby goes down for a nap you grab one or both girls and get away for an hour. It doesn't have to be anything big--bike around the block, grab an ice cream cone, go to the grocery store, etc.

Include her in taking care of the baby. Ask her to grab a blanket. Show her how to burp him. If she feels a part of taking care of him she might not be as jealous.

Make time for her. Even if it's "I can't get up and play right now, but how about you bring me a book and we can read together?" Or, "I'm sorry, but Baby needs a diaper change. You know what? It would be really helpful if you could get me a diaper. Can you do that for me?" Your older child might do well with a little extra reassurance. "Thank you for being patient today. I love you very much and I know this isn't easy right now." When Dad is bonding with the baby, find time for your twins.

I would also tell the younger twin, "Right now, your brother is so tiny I can't take him to the park, but in a few weeks we'll all be able to go play together" and then follow through. Put baby in a carrier and take him out for a walk.

I know they say sleep when baby sleeps, but as the days go on, try to take some of his nap time to spend time with the girls.

Like someone else suggested, I would not focus on telling her how she will be getting less attention and she will need to share you. Instead tell her stories of when she was an infant and all the things you did for her and her sister. Talk about what she liked, didn't like, the songs you sang, the books you read, bath time, etc. And even though your older twin seems to be dealing well, I'm sure she would love these stories and some alone time with mom as well.

My oldest was an only child and the only grandchild on both sides of the family so he was used to getting A LOT of attention. Then I hand 2 babies 13 months apart so it was a big adjustment for him!!

The thing that seemed to get through to him the best was explaining wants vs needs. He wanted mommy to play but they baby needed mommy to feed him. I explained that I loved them all the same and if he needed something when the baby just wanted something then it would be the babies turn to wait while mommy took care of my oldest.

It seemed to really help my son understand that the baby needed more from mommy and that didn't mean that the baby was more important than him.

Since she probably waits until then to ask, you should spend some focused time with her/them when you are not meeting an immediate need of the baby's. You can even say, "Before you help me change/feed the baby, let's read a book, just the two of us." She shouldn't always have to wait for you to finish tending to the baby. She needs to know that you are just as much her mommy as you always were.

I also agree that you are adding to her discomfort and maybe ill feelings by talking to her the way you do. Your intentions are good, but your tone and choice of words are likely making it come across like "Look, it's not all about you, so deal with it." Hear it from her perspective. Being a twin, she's never had you to herself. And now she's getting an even smaller slice of the pie. It's your responsibility to show her--in a language that she will understand--that you don't love her any less. At her age, these feelings are natural, anyway, so you might not be able to convince her, but it seems like you are expecting her to use your adult logic. Oh, and it won't work to simply send her off to her father or sister, as you can see. She wants YOU. There's a way to bring Daddy and Sissy in on the action, but you have to start off doing it with her. Right now, it feels like you're blowing her off.

My youngest is a needy child. He would take every minute if he could. To feed his "love tank", I often engage him to read to me, talk to me about his upcoming birthday, ANYTHING and look at him while he's talking. I understand about your needing to focus on your little boy but perhaps you could do this while you're folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen etc?? This helped me a lot! Also, some special time carved out, eyeball to eyeball with each child picking what they want to do with Mommy would help a lot. Doesn't have to be much 20-30 minute but during that time it needs to be all about them and what they want to do or say. Also, we did no radio/videos in the car and carved out this time to talk about their day/fears/dreams etc. All this should help a lot. Good luck!

a five year old can understand that an infant has to be fed in order to live and that an infant is completely dependent on his mother and cannot do anything on his own-she has to learn to entertain herself-life, unfortunately , is not a Disney movie.

You are taking a newborn out trick or treating? You are less than 2 weeks out of maternity and you are going out in the night air trick or treating?