Extreme Behavior in 3.5 Year Old

The book 1,2,3 Magic is a great book for parents to learn and to gain strategies from. I would say if she can find a discipline method, such as 1,2,3 Magic or other strategy, and if she and the husband are super consistent and they STILL see these types of behaviors then they probably need to talk to the pediatrician about it. My concern is that he is having them in all areas, not just home with mom/dad, that can be a red flag for something more.

I can offer this observation.

My stepdaughter spends about equal time at her mom's as she does at our house.

At her mom's house there was a lot of fighting between her and the boyfriend. Lots of yelling and tension. At her mom's house my stepdaughter is defiant, doesn't listen, doesn't put away her toys, doesn't want to eat etc. She's constantly in trouble, in fact she called her 1-year old sister two very choice words (heard from the boyfriend).

At our house she is the sweetest thing ever. She does all her chores, sometimes without being asked! She's always helpful, takes her bath no problem, eats with us, and keeps her room very clean. She never swears at our house. We play games, have tickle wars and read stories together.

You'd seriously think she was TWO DIFFERENT KIDS. And when we see her at her mom's we can TELL she's different. She won't listen to anyone when it's time to leave, her room is a disaster and she's dirty.

It's all in the environment. Kids react to what's going on around them. If there's fighting and tension then the child will be angry and tense. If parents aren't listening to one another the kid won't listen to the parent. If the kid is neglected and sat in front of a TV or video game system they'll want attention...and won't always seek it in a positive manner.

Your friend changing the atmosphere on the outside probably helps, but kids are pretty perceptive. Hopefully with love and patience she can help the child behave better.

I would have her talk with a child therapist. There could be a number of possibilities that could cause this behavior, but she should have him evaluated in order for her to make the best decision on how to deal with the problem. I have a cousin who's daughter (age 3 at the time) had been sexually abused by a trusted care takers husband. She started acting out in a similar manner & they only discovered this after a couple of meetings with a therapist.

It is interesting to hear your friend's story because it is very similar to mine. My son started hitting other kids when he was a little over 3 years old as well (and my husband and I do bicker a lot). He would push kids or hit kids (e.g., random kids at the part) for no apparent reason. I was at my wits end too. I went to a parenting program called Tuesday's Child for parents who are at their wits end and it helped, but was a bit expensive. My son's hitting behavior got much better after this program, and now he is about to turn 4 and he hardly ever pushes or hits kids other kids (although he is still rough with his little brother). The program taught a lot of valuable things, but many of them can be learned by reading the book "How to behave so your children will too".

Another thing is that we found out during the Tuesdays Child program that my son has Motor Dispraxia (which is a type of Sensory Processing Disorder). This likely had something to do with his difficult behavior as well. I would recommend your friend looks into this. Someone else gave a web site with this information I would also be happy to speak with your friend if she wants to get in touch with someone who has been through very similar issues.

Hi,

I've a friend with a boy the same age. I don't know if this might help to know but my friend has done reading and told me once that boys of that age physiologically go through a bump in testostrone and it's the largest amount in their system than even during puberty. They get a bit crazy but it will pass.
Best of Luck,
M.

I highly recommend two books: Smart Love by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper and Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. Also, if she is doing time outs, she should stop and try the approach in these books and in Positive Discipline by Jane Nielsen. Sometimes when a child is acting this way, it is a sign of them being stressed and they need more reassurance, a hug etc. Many children go through a time of trying to get control and the loving regulation method described in these books can work a lot better than traditional discipline - trying to see what his stressors are and to alleviate them can make a world of difference. Good luck to her.

Is he getting enough sleep? I have found that the majority of time misbehavior is due to being overtired. A child that age should still get 12 hours at night and a 2 hour nap for a minimum of 14 hours of sleep in each 24 hour period.

Is he getting enough good for you foods? Does he maybe have an allergy to something? Too much sugar, irregular meal times and other allergies can cause misbehavior. Some say their children react to red dye. Allergies can start at any age, so saying he never had a problem before doesn't mean he doesn't have one now.

Along with those things she may want to make up a set of house rules and go over it with him. Then she needs to decide on a punishment for misbehavior. I do head down time outs - the child puts their nose down on the ground/table/chair for about 15 to 30 Seconds. Before they put the head down you tell them what they did wrong and then when they get up you tell them what they did wrong and what you want them to do instead. This is a very effective technique because it's slightly uncomfortable, they can't be watching fun things going on and it's quick so they don't forget the lesson you are trying to teach them. You do have to do it EVERY single time they misbehave or it wont' work as good.

Good luck!

M.,
there is probably something more going on. this kind of behavior is a boy reaching out. He needs to be caught being good and given over the top praise and attention for doing the right thing. Also he may have an allergy to something and being indoors has made it worse does not know himself what is going on so he is acting crazy. Good Luck
J.

One thing that you can tell your friend is that even though they have stopped the bickering, their son still could be feeling stressed about it and it will take a while for him to feel more secure in the less stressful environment. He's still reacting to the uncertainty and stress he was feeling when they were bickering.

As for discipline. I've started reading 1-2-3 Magic to use with my almost 3 yr old son. It's about the parents being more in control and not yelling so much.

Good luck.

M.,

I see a lot of good information here to mull over. I would START with how your friend and her husband treat him. Just like several other posts said, see if it's the environment first. If that fails, go the medical route - food allergies, sensory issues, etc.

We have gone through many "phases" with our kids. The hitting/pushing/biting phase was at the 3 yr. age. Sometimes it seemed like it was due to frustration or tireness other times it seemed unwarranted. Remember that 3 yr olds don't always have the best communication skills. They don't know how to always say, "I'm tired." Or "he just stole my toy". Instead they melt down or fight instead of "using their words". I know that was a big key for us - USE YOUR WORDS.

Also, if Mom and Dad are arguing, or if the child is yelled at/spanked then he might think that's how he should/can act. There are several disciplining books out there - but I'll be the first to tell you, you can read all you want, the results are in changing YOUR behavior. (I had a "friend" who read all the books, but never stuck with anything long enough to get results.)

We use "time outs" in our house. Also, "Keep your hands to yourself." And "Use your words." Mom and Dad don't hit, so you don't get to either. I think this age can be especially difficult for kids who don't know how to talk well enough to express themselves.

Hopefully by changing their behavior, and encouraging their son to use his words (instead of his hands), that might be a good first step.

Also, it's common for kids at this age to "test" others - to get reactions (like pulling a siblings hair to make her cry) or defiant to parents/teachers to see what's going to happen. I hope your friend can nip it in the bud NOW, because it will only get worse.

Best of luck.

Hi M.-

Firstly, I would definitely try to make peace with my significant other because kids are very, very in tune to emotional energy. He may feel upset and helpless about the arguing and be acting out his frustration. That said, I've been going through something similar with my 3 year old. Her behavior has been more defiant, she is starting to tune us out, won't cooperate with us unless she has a strong motivation to do so, and is testing us almost constantly. I definitely do see a slight improvement in her behavior, however, when there is more structure and clear rules and expectations laid out and followed through upon ie appropriate consequences for her action. My husband is not really so good at imposing structure, however, so part of our issue has been inconsistency with our parental communication methods.

I've also learned through my research that children are born with different temperaments. My child happens to be more strong willed than compliant (especially at this age when they are learning to assert their independence). I am now learning some new communication methods and gaining a lot of insight from a book that I am reading called "Setting Limits for a Strong Willed Child". Another book that I have read called "You Can't Make Me...but I can be persuaded" has helped me to understand and cope better with the stubbornness. If a change in the home environment and more clear communication still does not work then I agree she should get hime evaluated for a possible developmental issue.

Looking at one mom's response, please don't jump to conclusions that it is a sensory issue, especially if this is a radically new behavior. For information about sensory issues check out the SPD Foundation web site or the Children's Memorial Occupational Therapy department, which has excellent OT services for identifying and treating sensory processing/integration issues: http://www.spdfoundation.net/

He has a yeast problem and needs to get off sugar and simple carbs and on some nyastatin or garlic etc. Also have him evaluated by a develpomental therapist so that we can see if it is sensory or other dev issues causign the frustration and anger. usually aggressive behavior like that is yeast. Is she sure he is not in any pain and inflicting pain on otehrs becaue he is in pain? This age cannot tell you after he has been in pain that long.
good luck
J.