Just Can't Take Anymore

Updated on March 03, 2008
S.D. asks from Honey Brook, PA
33 answers

I am at my wits end right now, part of it is I have a lot on my plate, but I have no patience and can not stand my children's behavior right now. It seems like every time I ask someone to do something I either get a whine, a fuss, or a yell and I have had it, I feel like I get no respect anymore and I just can't take it. I know we all feel this way sometimes and it will pass, eventually, but what do you do to make things right again??

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So What Happened?

Thanks for all the advice, I have read 1-2-3-Magic, and have used reward systems before, we just tend to slip away from them. I am going to reimplement those things and pray things will get better. I know they will, we have been there before, it just is nice to have a place to vent that frustration and get some encouraging words. Thanks everyone!!!!

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C.B.

answers from Pittsburgh on

We learned about the "Love and Logic" method of parenting taught be Jim Fay, Foster Cline, and Charles Fay and it is GREAT. http://www.loveandlogic.com/ I was frustrated at all the yelling my husband and I were doing and now it is so much less and we're happier parents and the kids are learning responsibility and better behavior (and respect for parents!). So I highly recommend it. (I have two big girls ages 8 and 4.5, as well as a 5 month old daughter.)

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S.L.

answers from Pittsburgh on

S.,

Years ago someone recommended that we see a video tape entitled " 1-2-3 Magic" and you might think its the ol' 1,2,3 but there is a different twist. I highly recommend the strategy - my kids are teens now and to this day if they start to talk back or whine or give an attitude they hear That's 1 and they know they have crossed the line. The other nice part is once the strategy is well in place you can even send the message from across the room by simply raising a finger possbily two and they get it. Good luck

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C.H.

answers from Allentown on

sounds like you might be a bit too stretched out. Maybe cut back on 1 or 2 things. Also kids do have their days and moments just like us all.

What does hubby say? Does he help?

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L.W.

answers from Scranton on

I have been under a lot of stress as of recent as well and the bast thin I think to do is just take a step back. go take a bubble bath read a good book relax for even just 15 minutes to an hour. don't think of the things that bother you everyday just relax and go back to your family refreshed. As far as your children not helping out or doing what they are asked, Just tell them they don't get what they want whether it is TV or whatever until what you ask is done. If they whine cry or yell, walk away they will calm down. When they do ask them if they are ready to do what needs to be done to get what they want. Hope this helps.

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C.V.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi S.....I hope things get better for you soon. Its tough when things are so unsettled. The kids pick up your stress and it makes for a tough cycle! I have a 4yo and am home with her so I dont have the same 'issue' to handle. I do some volunteering but nothing that would take my attention away from her for too long. Honestly my personal opinion is that your kids seem to be used to doing what they want to do while your attention is elsewhere. All good causes I agree BUT kids seem to LOVE structure. I have friends that have actually had their kids TELL THEM that they would rather be elsewhere than with them....a tough "pill" to swallow for my friend....she has since REscheduled her life and how much time she spends away from them! My daughter helps me do chores during the day...its part of her regular 'life'. I wish you luck trying to 'back pedal'. It may take being home more often AND a reward system that they would feel valuable...IF they clean their room WITHOUT a fuss, etc. for a week you could take them to lunch somewhere they like, if that is an option...just an example. DO keep us posted on your success!!!!

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F.V.

answers from Lancaster on

Take a break! Go get a pedicure, take a couple or a few hours with adult interaction only! Ask someone to watch the kids and go buy yourself a new top! Go to the book store or library and read alone! The point: take time for YOU! The children and yourself and everyone around you will appreciate it more and you will be revived! Do this at least once a week if you can or once a month!
Christina

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D.O.

answers from Philadelphia on

S. D
I just want to start out by saying that I hear you big time. I have two very energetic and opinionated girls (8 and 6). I find myself constantly repeating things because they never "hear" me and I get a fuss almost every time I ask for chores to be done, room to be cleaned up, etc., etc. I've come to realize it comes with the territory. Their little bodies are blossoming with all the wonderful emotions that we have. They are starting to develop all the ebs and flows that we have (this is the case even if they are boys). I think what they really can use at this point is extra love and attention.
It sounds like you have a whole bunch going on so it my be hard to fit it in, but try spending individual time with them if you can. Even if that comes in the form of reading them each a small book after dinner a couple times a week. Or on the weekends go out to "coffee" with them. It really starts to develop a beautiful beginning to your adult relationship together. And maybe take that opportunity, when all is happy and calm, to talk about what doesn't work in your relationship. I have been amazed at how well, especially my 8 year old, responds to this.
Sorry this is so long, but one more thing. I also find that I am way more patient when I cut a lot of the sugar out of my diet. I am so much more clear to deal with the onslaught of "tweener-hood". I hope this helps. Just by the fact that you care says a lot, and hold on to that relationship with your kids. Good luck

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S.D.

answers from Philadelphia on

First, take some deep breaths!! Sounds like you're at your wits end. The best thing to get your kids to listen is to have a system set in place. Its stressful to hear whining and such and even more stressful to think of how to combat daily. Sit the kids down, explain to them that whining and not listening are unacceptable behaviors. They are allowed one warning. If they do it again have a privelage be taken away....TV time, video game, phone time, play time, treat time, something that is very important to them. OR you can do an automatic time out and after so many time outs they lose something. However you're comfortable with. Then thats it, no more thinking. They know what is expected of them and what the consequence is. You don't have to think except implement it consistently. It will nip it in the butt pretty quickly. If there's whining, don't respond. I've already done this with my 4 year old. I do not hear any request when it is stated in a whine. And wouldn't you know it, he can ask me politely with pleases too and then his request is granted, or at least acknowledged. It also sounds like you have a busy plate. If you are able, I would cut down one job you have. maybe you have less time at the mall, but more time with the kids. If thats not feasible, then I'd try to tap into some family resources or your support system. you need to take some personal time too. You can't be a good mom to your kids when you're stress. Just have someone take them for a couple of hours once a week or every other and do something for yourself. This is not laundry or dishes time, but personal, leisure time to get yourself refreshed and back into the game of life. Good Luck!

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L.W.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi S.,

I have two boys, a 15-year old with autism and an 8-year old active one on the move. I am a crossing guard and also work from home.

When things in my life got to the point where you are, I knew I had to let something go, even if I needed the money. The fist thing I let go was the volunteer work, or some of it. The world needs volunteers and I volunteered for 20 years. But I needed a break. Now that my life is a little more settled, I am able to volunteer a little bit; but I have learned when to say NO. I also let go one of my jobs. That was tough, but it helped in the long run.

Having a child with autism has taught me so much in life. When there are issues with my typical son, I talk to him about the issue to find out the REAL issue. I tell him it's okay to tell me the real problem and that we have an open line of communication. This has really worked well. It doesn't mean I always agree with what he wants to do. All I am doing is putting the situation in a way that "his eyes" can see it and we can talk about it.

The most important thing you can do (I learned this the hard way) is take care of yourself. It means something different to everyone. For me, it is taking my meds every day, listening to my heart, body, and mind, and knowing when to STOP or say NO.

I have also screamed to GOD and asked why is this happening? Then I ask for something specific, i.e., stop me from sinking.

S., what I have just written you is what I have done, so it is coming from the heart and from experience. I hope it helps you one step at a time.

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P.W.

answers from York on

S.,
I can not recommend highly enough these two books. They changed my life. Not just with kids, everyone. It's like having a toolbox full of miracles. (And I came to them after a decade of working with special needs kids and adults, night and day difference.)

They are based on the work of Dr. Haim Ginot, also worth reading for sure.

First is Liberated Parents, Liberated Children. Second is "How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk."

My kids have read them as well, and use the techniques in dealing with each other, it is so beautiful to watch! I wish adults, diplomats, everyone on earth knew these simple tools.

A friend of mine watched them for me when they were young. She is a public school teacher. She said she was amazed that they wanted to be good, not because they feared punishment, but because they somehow understood that life worked better that way.

They came wonderful, of course, but the books....can NOT suggest them highly enough. In my work with special needs people, after reading them, I was considered a "Behavioral expert" and all the "Challenges" were sent my way. I had guys that would just as soon throw a chair at you than say good morning, going and hugging people and saying, "You seem upset, honey."

After an outburst (not my client, lol) one of my guys went over, helped the guy pick up the stuff that he'd thrown and said, "You seem upset. I used to have to show people I was upset that way. Now I can do different things."

Good book. Did I mention that? lol

P.

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J.I.

answers from Philadelphia on

This is easier said than done, and please don't be offended, but it seems like you have ALOT going on, and would it be possible to remove 1 or 2 of your obligations? I know for me, that the more I try to be involved with, it usually depletes some of my patience with my children, and also takes away from quality time with them. Sometimes they don't even need interactive time with me, they just need to be near me (when I'm calm and relaxed). For example, just having them at the table playing or drawing while I'm making dinner, or even letting them help make it. They usually behave better, and even when they have "their moments" I have more patience to deal with them.

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G.C.

answers from York on

Have you tried "enrolling" your children into being the important "team members" that they are in the family unit? By enrolling I mean having them engaged in some decisions, understanding the family structure/rhythm, what it is to function "for the group", etc. Their ages are so great to have these conversations with. With the feeling of being "on the team", children truly want to please, and they will, on a greater level that currently, contribute positively to the day to day life of the family.

Something to look at is does the "language" around home come from "ordering/threatening" or from clearly communicated "requests" that are expressed from seeing the children as important links within the family?

In working with families, I find it consistent that when such behaviors exist at these ages, sometime, though not most of the time, it is a stage. Most times, it is deeper and only continues to escalate, creating a very unpleasant and destructive "teen" experience. Are you willing to take that chance? If you want something different, you'll need to do something different.

Remember, having your plate full, isn't the children's fault, not is it your "fault". Yet, looking accountably at the choices that created this "full plate" might be another place to look at "doing something different".

Feel free to contact me if you wish to further discuss.

G.
____@____.com

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D.M.

answers from Sharon on

My kids are all grown but I found that engaging in the activity that I wanted my kids to do in a positive way really helped to reverse not only their attitude but mine.

For example, to get the house clean, I would have a "house cleaning party". Each person had to start in a room (including me) and I would set the timer for 15 minutes and we would see who could get the most done in that time. Then when the time was up, we would rotate rooms. That way everybody would do a little something to clean each room.

For my whiner, I would challenge him to clean his mess in each room. My kids thought I was crazy at first but it was better than screaming at them and soon became a family tradition for getting things done.

I also used chore charts as they got older, rotating a whole room every week. I always included myself on the chart and they had fun making sure I did all of my chores too.

And, yes, my boys learned to clean not only the kitchen but the bathroom as well.

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L.O.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi S.,
I have three children and definitely know where you're coming from. My best advice to you is to set limits - for your children and yourself. First, put the kids to bed earlier, before you are exhasted. And if that's a challenge, start earlier in the evening to allow more time for getting ready for bed. My good friend has her 8 and 10 year old in their rooms by eight o'clock, and they are allowed to read and play quietly before going to sleep. (I'm still owrking on that one.) Second, drop the volunteer work until you regain your peace of mind. You have to prioritize, and if you already recognize there's too much on your plate and you're frazzled, this stuff needs to go. You owe it to yourself and your kids to be rested and able to cope with the bumps and upsets of life. Third, walk away from your kids if they start whining or fussing. Tell them you won't listen to them until they talk nicely. And realize you too are almost certainly whining and fussing out of frustration. Get to bed earlier, and tell Dad to take charge when you see yourself going downhill - before you get to your wits' end. Fourth, plan ahead. Plan your meals and your day early on, so that as evening draws near you're ahead of the game. On my best days, I've got dinner in the crock pot or prepped to cook before the older kids come home from school at four. If you can't do that, have them eat a healthy snack immediately after school while you get dinner organized. Serve dinner early and it will help prevent the melt downs that can mess up the rest of the night. Lastly, tell your children that you are their mother and they will not speak to you as if their talking to other kids. Say it nicely, but very firmly and remind them of how much you love them. And if they still huff and puff: unplug the tv, the radio, the computer and any video games for as long as they keep their lousy attitude. You'll relish the peace and quiet and soon they'll have to find some way to entertain themselves or make nice with you. Good luck!

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T.C.

answers from York on

My children are the same I have a 13 year old stepson that is the same way. When he does not do as he is told after I tell him the second time he loses priveledges. That works for me to get him to do as he is told. It is great that you do volunteer work. Try to get your husband to help with getting your children to do as they are told.

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D.D.

answers from Scranton on

Please dont take this the wrong way but welcome to parenthood. I noticed you say in the "what Happened section" you have used the reward system. This system is based on what is called Classical Conditioning. It is the same system Pavlov used to teach his dogs to salavate at the sound of a bell. In pratical application this system equates to nothing more then bribery and sends a poor message to your children for the future.

Personally (and I am supported by many developmental theorists) I prefer Operent Conditioning. This is a method by which you as the parent establish what needs to be done or the goals to be acomplished and leave it at that. The operent (your children) Then have to make the choice to either acomplish the task on thier own or to let it the task alone. Lets say for example one task is to keep their room picked up. You simply state this one time. The child then must choose to accomplish the goal or live in a "pig sty" as my mother used to say. DO NOT clean the room for them. This does two things. First it teaches the child responcibility rather then reward. The child learns that you simply won't do it any longer so someone else must do the job. Since it is unlikly (here you must have the support of your husband) that dad will do it for them that leaves the child to do the job. The first time they come out yelling mom wheres such and such item simply say "If your room were clean I bet you could find it. Second, this will generate a longer lasting impression for making desicions and form stronger work ethics. By forceing thier hand to accomplish the desired task (and achieveing the the target behavior) they will develope an independant ability to function without supervision. In the work place this is a very important quality for a person to posses. Admittidly this will take some time. You will probably have to put on the proverbial blinders on some issues for a while. However I think in the long run you will begin to see a major change in your children. (By the way this works on spouses as well)

Another tactic you might consider, and yes this may be difficult with your obvious schedualing issues, is to pay yourself for being mom. I had a Chgief petty officer tell me one time "If you cant pay yourself for the job you are doing, why do it?" After years of consideration of this philosophy I found it to be sound. Take a weekend off. Go to a spa, a friends house, your mothers, or a motel room or something but do it for you. In my previous marriage (no we did not devorce because we fell out of love. It was a mutualy agreed apon divorce due to circumstance)my spouse would always yell at me for sitting around on sundays not doing anything. I told him that if he expects me to take care of him I have to first take care of my self. Think about it, What good are you to your household if you are constantly running yourself ragged, worn down, ill from stress, or, God forbid, have a heart attack or mental breakdown? Absolutly none. You have to take care of yourself BEFORE you take care of anyone else. Yes on the surrface this sounds selfish. But if you think about it for some time you will see that the logic is infalible. The body is like any other machine on the planet. If you don't take care of the machine, it will eventually breakdown and be useless.

Good luck

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L.T.

answers from Pittsburgh on

You've gotten some really good advice. One thing I want to add is that some days I get busy and lose track of time. Then I have to try to rush our routines. That causes a lot of stress for all of us. I've found that setting a timer or alarm clock for particular times of the day helps - snack time, lunch preparation time, nap time, etc. I also do a countdown with my kids to prepare them for what is coming. For example, I will warn them 10 minutes, 5 minutes and 2 minutes before naptime. I also set the timer for quality time with the kids. Some days it is hard to find a lot of it but we all feel better when we fit it in. Good luck.

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C.K.

answers from Philadelphia on

Have you tried 1-2-3 magic? Effective Dicipline for Children 2-12? It works! The author is Thomas W. Phelan. He also has it on Video which I prefer. The video shows you how to use 1-2-3 magic effectively and what pitfalls to avoid. I learn better by watching than reading but you will get what you need from either.

Henretta Hankin had both the book and the video tape in last time I was there. They keep it in the kids section against the wall( next to the books on tape) . You might call first to make sure they have it. But it's something you can do today and see results as soon as 24 hours. Don't wait! You will be glad you tried it.

About me, I am a stay at home mom. I am in my 40's. I used to work as a behavioral specialist consultant for Child Guidence Resource center. I have used this will clients and on my own kids. My daughter is a piece of cake and does everything right away. I rarely use it with her. My son never gives up trying to get away with something and I use it at least once a day with him, but it works and I don't have to yell. The key is to use it correctly and consistently.

Good luck!

C.

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J.O.

answers from Lancaster on

Hi S.,
I'm so glad you wrote in. I think you summed it up by saying you have a lot going on...perhaps too much. It seems to me that with all the activity and work, your patience and energy has run out by the time you get home to your kids.
Do you have a chore chart so they know in advance what is expected from them or are you asking them to do things at your whim?
Is your only communication ordering them to do things?
Some down time to talk with them about THEIR day gives you a chance to just listen and to let them know you do care about them.
Volunterring is a wonderful thing if it doesnt interfere with your home life.
If you are so pressed that you are "at your wits end", then it's times to pull away from another activity so you can have some time for yourself to relax and to be better equipped for whats really important, communication with your kids.
A little less can result in a whole lot more!
Have a great day!
Justine

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P.H.

answers from Lancaster on

Dear S.,

Oh have I been there, too many times to count. I found with my situation the first thing to do is reevaluate what is on your plate, and figure out what can be removed or how can someone help tho lighten your load. Then I made it clear to my oldest child that EVERYONE over the age of 3 was to help out with the house hold up keep. once you reach a certain age you have to be a contributing member of the family, being cute no longer cute it. and TV and video games and the computer were all privleges that had to be earned, oh and all toys too, the only things I was "required" to give him was a roof, clothing, and food. When he just ignored me the first time, I cleared out all games and toys. He had to earn them back in a set amount of time or he would have to take it all to goodwill. We no longer have this problem. We still whine and complain on the rare occasion, but all I have to do is remind him good will is just up the road...

Brightest Blessings

Trish

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S.P.

answers from Philadelphia on

hello S.. You sound like a very busy lady. Whats great is your children are at an age where you can it down with them and ask them why they're behaving the way they are. Some of they're behavior is quit normal, but I think you might want to sit down with them and communicate calmly how their behavior is affecting you and how it's unexceptable. I see you do some volunteer work. It might be a good idea to take some time off for a few weeks and set aside time for yourself but also some quality time with you children. And remember they LOVE YOU and you LOVE THEM! Hope somthing I said will be of help.

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D.W.

answers from Philadelphia on

Make sure you have some time to yourself. That is very important. I work full time and go to school part time and ahve a seven month old son. If you have the time go the gym for and hour or if weather permitting go for a walk and take the kids with you. Exercise can relieve stress and the kids may feel cooped up in the house with the weather being cold. If you do not have time to go to the gym have a glass of wine after the kids go to sleep,that is if you drink alcohol. Make sure to have some time with your husband too and talk over how you feel in a calm matter. Do not forget about him I am sure he may be feeling the same fustrations. Work together not against each other.
D.

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A.L.

answers from York on

#1 NEVER let them know you are feeling like you can't take it. It's pack mentality- attack the weak. If they think you are vulnerable, they'll keep it up no matter how you yell. Be strong and firm.
#2 Let go of some of those activities you do. You do have way too much on your plate. Cut it down to 1 part time Job and your nanny gig. Choose Scouts or School- not both.
#3 Get some "me time" every week. Even if you just run out to the grocery store alone and stop for a cup of coffee. You have to have alone time to keep yourself together. Never take the kids to the grocery store with you- that's what Dad is for. Make sure you get a few minutes of alone time everyday too. I soak in a hot bath every night- alone when the kids are in bed. It's a nice way to unwind!
#4 Where is your husband in all this? He could be taking some of the housework off your hands, working overtime so you can quit a job or 3, He should also be stepping in with keeping the kids in line. He should take some of the burden off of your shoulders.

And now for what to do about the whining, talking back behavior.
Don't listen to it. Tell them what needs done- and when they start to whine or talk back- you say "OK, no (Xbox, TV, COmputer, Games, Barbies- whatever it is they are doing at the time you've asked them to complete a chore)until you do do what I've asked." And keep it up. Everytime. In a strong firm voice. And then take away the toy, turn off the electronics. When the chore is completed properly- then you give back the item or turn the electronics back on. It might take a few weeks- but soon they won't even bat an eyelash when you ask them to do something. And when they do a look is all it will take for them to get up off their butts and do it. Remember the looks Claire Huxtable gave on the Cosby Show- practice doing that- she was GOOOOOD!

Do not ever yell and complain back about how you need help and you're at your wit's end. Strong, Firm, Controlled. Never blow your top. It's a sign of weakness- and they will keep pecking and pecking until they break you! Never let them see your weakness. You are a rock- strong and standing firm.

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J.W.

answers from Lancaster on

Just remember it is okay to appologize to your children. Stress can cause us to say and do things to those closest to us. Also as we respond to our stress loudly so will our children. They model what they see and hear. Believe me I have had my moments too. I have a handicapped daughter that is now 24 but still a child in many ways. When I have those moments where I am not as patient as I should be I pray and then return to her with a sincere appology and lots of hugs and kisses. She has unconditional love for me and so do your children for you.

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M.L.

answers from State College on

S.,
I feel for you girl. I went through the same exact thing 2 years ago. I was working long hard early hours on no sleep trying to function for everyone. You know what? You can't do it. I came to my wits end and quit my job and started my own business. I don't know if that is something you are financially able to do. But know that nothing is impossible. As far as your kids go, try the 1-2-3 magic method. It really works. You can buy the books or videos and it is a truly amazing program written by a psychologist. You have to follow through with it, but it is amazing. I use it on my 8 year old with ADHD, PDD and sensory integration disorder and my 11 year old daughter. It works like a charm. Do a search on this site and you should find a response from me explaining how it is done. I'm running late this morning or I would explain it again. LOL Sorry, just look for 1-2-3 magic. If you want some ideas on working from home, shoot me an e-mail, I can help you get started with some ideas.
Best of luck, and don't forget to take some time out for yourself everyday. And open your mouth and voice your feelings calmly to your husband. The second we women get all upset they shut us out.

M.

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A.G.

answers from Philadelphia on

You are doing an awful lot- TOO much. It may help if you cut off some of your extracurriculars and spent more time with your children. Their behavior may be their way of telling YOU that they have had enough and are at wits end. They, in their little minds, might be feeling disrespected and unheard so they act out- after all negative attention is better than no attention.I bet if you spent a lot more QUALITY time (i.e go to the park, color, play games, read books, fun bath times, dancing and being silly with them, arts and crafts etc) you'll see a dramatic change in them. They'll WANT to please you, they'll WANT to be around you and seek to be good so that they can get that reciprocal effect of truly enjoying your time.
Please let me know if this works- I'm really interested. I have a Masters in Counseling Psychology and have been in my field for 20 years.

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L.S.

answers from Philadelphia on

When I had my firstborn 20 years ago, I went through a lot of trial of error. I grew up in a chaotic house with a mother who was always at her wit's end, yelling, screaming, disorganization. When I became a mom, I knew that at least that particular parenting method was not so great. However, it was what I knew, and I very quickly fell into the same habits my mother had modeled for me. About the time my son was 13 months the chaos began, and I had about 2 years of that before I really found the solution.

Organization and routine. I'm not saying that you run your home like a marine barracks, but you need to have a general idea of what is going to happen when it is going to happen. And the entire family has to buy into it as well. Basically, it's the same sort of thing you see on the Super Nanny show. She was probably a child when I was raising my kids, so I had to learn the hard way! But I kept, and still keep a calendar and routine. When the kids were little, that meant we did certain activities in a certain order... wake up, eating, song time, story time, etc. etc. When they were school age, the routine adapted to that. We had a morning routine for getting out of the house in a reasonably sane fashion, an afternoon routine for decompressing after school, homework, and activities. When the kids were old enough, they participated in developing the routine and schedule. Having the routine, being organized means that everyone knows what the day's goals are, what's coming up next, and can work together to manage time. Picture going to the grocery store. You can start at one end of the store with a list in your hand and shop in an orderly fashion. It gets done quicker and more efficiently that way. Or, you can run up and down aisles in no particular order, getting whatever appeals to you immediately. You'll have a bigger grocery bill and will probably have forgotten some necessary items. It's the same principle.

By keeping a family routine, you teach long term skills of goal setting, time management, teamwork, and consequences. These are skills that will help them be successful adults. And remember our long-term parenting goal is to raise adults, not children! :)

The hard part is getting organized in the first place. It takes a lot of persistence, especially with the children. And, since you WILL have to adjust your routine from time to time, you'll also teach flexibility, as well. Take time to plan what you want to do, have a big family meeting about it... maybe have a family fun night to unveil your new organization plan, invite the kids to comment and accept some of their ideas. Then have pizza and watch a movie or play a game, and make that part of the new family routine, as well. Start with a positive in the routine rather than something like, "From now on, Friday nights will be toilet cleaning night." LOL You get the idea.

I have no problem whatsoever with reward systems. Children are learning, inexperienced individuals. They need to be taught and/or trained. Rewards help bring them back to focus on a task. It's no different than my paycheck! Believe me, I wouldn't focus on my work if I didn't gain something at the end of the day beyond personal satisfaction. I love my work, but I also need to eat and pay my bills! The operant conditioning that someone else mentioned here, eh, not a keeper IMHO. When I was in college, I remember BF Skinner's operant conditioning well. I had more than a few studies on that one. Skinner's observations actually did include positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, and even punishment. AND, they were applied to animal training, just as Pavlov's little bells were used on dogs. I'm sure a parenting expert or behaviorist developed Skinner's observations into some sort of parenting system. But after 20 years as a parent, I've come to a conclusion about "experts". If all the behavioral specialists were actually doing the at-home with the kids stuff and doing it long-term until their kids were grown and left the house, they wouldn't have time to be behavioral specialists! If you tell a child to do something once and leave them to learn from the consequences, for example, saying "Clean your room," just once, the child will probably not learn that he must clean or live in a pig sty. Rather, the child will learn to accept living in a sty. Lord knows, there are enough "Clean House" programs on t.v. showing grown people living in pig stys. It may work for some families, but not in mine. I don't like bugs and spiders in filthy rooms. And chaos doesn't help a child learn to focus and get a task done. I can't see that sort of thing working well in a house where kids have attention issues or allergies, for example.

Good luck! It sounds like you've recharged a bit and are going to get back on track. Keep at it! And know that no matter what system you use, you'll always have highs and lows. You can get through the low spots. Trust me, I had my fair share, too. If you stay focused on your goal of raising adults, you'll have the stamina to keep teaching your kids how to organize and focus and work toward goals, as well.

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C.P.

answers from Reading on

My goodness, you DO have a lot on your plate! Any chance you could slim down the activities so you can have some time to take care of yourself and do some planning ahead on discipline? That's what I've been finding is valuable - planning ahead what I'm going to do to my little stinkers when they whine and complain and speak disrespectfully to me and one another. My husband and I got a lot of valuable information from Jim Faye and Foster Kline's "Love and Logic Parenting." They've written books and also have books on cds concerning toddlers, preschoolers, and teens. You'll find them on the internet.

Again, do you think you're too busy to have time to plan out your strategies? Do you have a husband or other wise adult, perhaps with child-rearing experience on whom you can bounce discipline ideas? Staying one step ahead and expecting your kids' reactions is going to help you stay calm when they're whining and disrespecting. You might even find their behavior comical, when you look at it from a different perspective. You don't have to stand by and take what they give you. You can be ready with your own ammunition! Also, did you know some kids like it when you react in a really angry way to their antics? It makes them feel like they're in control of YOU. That's another thing I struggle with - staying in control when I'm angry, however, when I speak to them in a firm, but calm manner, they hear me better than when I scream at them. We also have lots of conversations together once the heat of the moment is over. They usually feel badly about their former behavior when we talk about it later, after we're calm.

Oh, and I pray A LOT!!!

Sincerely,
C. Phillips

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I have found a sticker-reward system to be good as well. A sticker for every day without a fit or tantrum, cooperation and a helpful heart. Just keep in mind that they are not going to be little forever--there is and end in sight! Also, that means that you will never get these days back again--so TRY to enjoy this "little time"! I have found that when I am in a battle of wills with my son--stick to your guns with time-outs, taking away a favorite toy or activity....MAKE him/her apologize and say for what they are sorry. Sometimes after that, we are closer and I spend some uninterrupted time doing what he wants and really being present in those moments and I feel the respect level rises. I think he gets disrespectful, etc. when I am overlooking spending quality O.-on-O. time with him and this helps me!
Good luck and hang in there!

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S.P.

answers from Scranton on

You really should eliminate some of the things you do. You are overworking yourself. You need to take sometime for yourself. Even if it's just an hour a day, do something you like to do, something relaxing. You can't let yourself get so worn down that you snap at your children. They are what matters the most.
Life is best lived, if lived simply. Words to live by.

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M.B.

answers from Philadelphia on

What about implementing some type of reward system? For example, every time they do something they're asked to do, they get a certain number of points or stickers (which could be tracked on a chart). Then designate a certain number of points for different "prizes" (ice cream sundaes, trip to the zoo, new toy, etc.). At the end of a week, they can "spend" their points on whatever they choose. If they don't do something or whine about it, they either get no points or get points taken away.

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A.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi S.:

Maybe you should try a reward system for your kids. They are old enough where they should respond positively to a reward that they desire. You and your children can sit down and target specific behaviors you would like them to improve upon and write them on a chart. Then, you can add to the chart each day of the week and at the end of each week, they get a prize if they were able to improve that behavior daily. Use stickers or stamps and allow your children to stamp or put the sticker on and be sure to praise their success. Make the behaviors small at first, for ex, raising voice less then 3 times a day, etc.. This will allow them to experience success and earn something they really enjoy. If your children earn 3 weeks in a row, you can give a big reward, like a movie or Mc Donald's.

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T.Y.

answers from Philadelphia on

Hi, I am dealing with the same thing from my 8 yr old. He used to do whatever I told him without a problem and now he gives me a hard time with everything. It's driving me crazy. My problem is that my life is crazy and it's hard to be consistent. My son spends alot of time going to work with my husband and myself so it's difficult to enforce things. Most of our evenings consist of running around these days.

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