Behavior Changes When Grandmom Is Around!

My five year old has behaved similarly with my Mom. I often see some of this behavior. I tell her that if she is unkind (bossy, etc.) I will not ask grandma to sit for her - "Grandma deserves to be treated kindly." My mom is my sitter while I work, so I can't really follow through But she hasn't realized that yet. I think the implication I put in her mind is, "I don't think Grandma enjoys her visits when you are rude or difficult." By speaking this way in front of them both, my Mom has sort of picke dup on this language too "I won't play this game if you aren't speaking nicely" for example.

Why not talk to his grandmother when he cannot hear, and set it up to ask her to leave if he won't behave. If you plan it in advance, she shouldn't be offended. Let your son know that if he can't behave while grandma is visiting that you will ask her to leave. Then do it. Make a point of letting your son know that this is because of his behavior. (Now, if it was my kids, they would promise to behave, and I would let them know that they won't get another chance. Second time, I'd follow through. Not everyone gives second chances, though.) If grandma has to leave early one time, I bet the behavior will improve immediately. My kids would do anything rather than offend their grandmother! Hopefully your mother-in-law will work with you on this. Good luck, and let us know how it turned out.

Since I wrote this I've noticed that a lot of people are kind of blaming the grandmother. I don't think being spoiled by a grandmother in limited amounts will damage your kids as long as you are clear with your expectations at home. He obviously knows that this behavior is only ok around grandma, and it gives him a little "break" so to speak. My mother-in-law can spoil our kids however she wants, but she has to deal with them if they won't behave for her.

You've gotten good advice below, though regarding a family powwow about it, i would not include him -- he doesn't really get a say in this, you need instead to get grandmother to wake up and take responsibility and control. The "I just can't help myself" excuse is one a lot of people from grandparents to parents to uncles and aunts use when spoiling kids but they CAN help themselves. Once you get her seeing the bigger picture (does she really want to be around a 10-year-old grandson who is a real terror becuase he was so indulged as a five-year-old? That's where you're all heading), I'd try getting her to agree to a firm and consistent policy of "If you act like X when at Grandma's, or when Grandma is at our house, the consequence is that Grandma leaves." And be sure she leaves immediately, instantly, no pleading or begging from him can stop it, and she doesn't look back. If he's nuts about her, take away his reward -- grandma. She absolutely HAS to be on board with this and not cry or waver or hug him on the way out the door! She has to say briefly, "I'm sad you talked back to your mom, but I have to leave now. I cant' stay if you talk back to your mom. I can come back when you can speak to her respectfully. Goodbye." And be sure he gets taught -- when he's not wild and wound up - what good and respectful behavior is. Kids his age need specific examples of good behavior and lots of praise when they use it. But most of all he needs to know without any wavering that you and she are on exactly the same page about everything, and he needs to lose what he values when he crosses the line. Grandma will have a very tough time with this at first but if she and you stick to it and your husband does too, he will learn he has to behave a certain way to see her.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like she is willing to change - my MIL is the same way...but has gotten a LITTLE stricter since they have been older. She raised them while my DH was in Iraq (we weren't married yet). The kids were so spoiled, that when I became their step-mom they had a huge adjustment. I felt like they were too rowdy and undisciplined and they weren't used to rules or eating healthy dinners, etc....I had to basically detox them from her influence and then allowed them a little more leeway when they started behaving better - now they are a bit more mature and still have some attitude issues when she comes around but not nearly as bad as when they were younger, and my MIL has realized our way has worked and she doesn't try to fight us on it as much and last time she even backed us on what we were teaching....so it comes with time - it's a struggle at first, but he will eventually learn that he cannot behave that way regardless of if she is there....and when you go on the trip with her, just make sure that you keep reinforcing the consequences for his bratty behavior and maybe an extended exposure will help him realize that you are in charge even if grandma is around. I'm glad that she doesn't fight with you about punishments (that's the worst!!), but keep following through no matter how hard it is. :) Good luck and let us know how it goes!

through all your frustration, what i love about this is the delight it seems you genuinely take in your mil's relationship with your little boy and a determination that even this bump in the road won't deter it. so many are so willing just to terminate a grandparent's relationship rather than figure out solutions.
as a fellow homeschooler my instincts run toward allowing the child to figure out how to fix it. i recommend a pow-wow between you, your husband, your mil and your son, and a frank discussion about how his behavior is unacceptable around his grandma and how it can be handled. you'll cycle through a lot of possibilities you don't like, but with it being out there on the table, in your loving but firm presence, i'm betting that your son himself will come up with some good powerful consequences to naughtiness that will have a real impact when you follow through. and your mil being part of the process will help get her on board with enforcement.
stick to your guns, and good luck!
khairete
S.

I heard of a consequence jar filled with different chores (age appropriate). After the timeout the child would have to pick a chore from the jar and complete before being able to play again. I personally haven't tried it, my son is only two. But thought it was a super idea when I heard about it. Maybe that might help in conjunction with the time out.

I also think it is fabulous that you are trying to make this work, grandparents are so important to a child and the other way around too. Best of luck. Hope everything works out OK.

You have some good ideas below. If she needs visual help to see what her lack of disciplining will do to her grandson, rent one of those movies where the kid is spoiled and allowed to do whatever he or she wants, and turns into an incredibly awful child or teenager. Give it to her to watch, and explain that this is what happens to children without loving guidance and discipline. Maybe if she sees it separate from her own family, she'll get it. Bottom line is the behavior must stop, and if you must separate them, even if only temporarily, to bring home the point then do it. Make sure they both understand the reason that grandma can't come over, and the MIL should realize that she must change first, then the child will change. It may also be a good idea to find another trusted adult to also care for your son as an alternate. If another adult influences his behavior for the better, and the MIL sees that also, she may be more likely to change. Good luck!

Your mom needs to step up to the plate and help you and your husband with her grandson's behavior since she is the source of it. She raised you and knows that disciplining is part of showing your child (or grandchild) that you LOVE him! It seems mean, but ask her if she loves him less than she loved you because she cared enough about you not to let you act that way. She's not doing ANYONE any favors by stepping back and letting him run wild. When she shows her love to him by disciplining his poor behavior, she will see that he will appreciate her more (well maybe not right away) for it. Her perspective is skewed and your son is trying to show you guys this by how he's acting. Proceed accordingly! : ) Good luck and have a great time on your vacation.

I think the only thing you can do is for you & your husband to sit down with her (without your son , maybe when he is in bed) and tell her firmly that the way he behaves is horrible , that he is not a nice child like that and as he get's older it will only become worse & that she has to start to say no to him and be more firm with him otherwise you don't see how she is going to be able to continue to see him as much as she does , or be able to be a part of your vacation. I had the same issue with my kids with my own mom though & I literally had to put my foot down so hard and shout at her basically because my son especially was a brat when she was looking after them & I hated seeing him like that. She hates to say no and will let them have what they want (even if that means a whole pack of cookies). I have to say she is much better now.

Good luck