How Often Does Your Mother in Law (Who Lives in Town) Come to Visit
August 28, 2011
Saint Paul, MN
Hi, my husband's mom came to see our son (whom she adores) before she left for a 4 week trip. I guess our son clung to my husband and did not want to really interact or play with her. Last time she saw him was about three weeks ago, during which time he was under the weather and also clingy to his dad.
Now, she is upset that our son doesn't remember her, she said that after she comes back from the trip, she is going to see him every week, either by coming to our house or having us come over to hers.
I appreciate that she loves him so much, and sometimes it actually helps when she's there (so we can do things other than watching our son) but I'm annoyed that she thinks that she can control how often she can see her grandson (and our schedule). We are very busy during the week and just want to relax and hangout during the weekends, without having guests or needing to go somewhere every single weekend.
Just wondered if this mother in law's was common and accepted behavior. What do you think of this?
This is a mother in law, who, right after I gave birth and came back to the hospital, wanted to come visit (had already seen our newborn son at the hospital); we said we needed to rest and declined, but she came anyway. So if she's determined she's going to come, she'll do it.
I see my MIL about once a week, though it can be more if it's going on and I need help with childcare or if my children are asking for her (like this week). She is always welcome and could come as often as she wanted. IT's a huge help having her here.
nevah. my kids' grandma never visits. they don't remember her, she doesn't ask about them. all she cares about is her son, who, in recent years, has distanced himself from her too. if my MIL were to change her mind and want to start seeing my kids she would be faced with: no way no how. too late for you to wanna get to know my kids.
My MIL lives in town, she even lived with us for awhile and she hated my kids being around then. Now she never comes to see them, never even calls to talk to them. My mom on the other hand she has to see the atleast every 3-4 weeks.
Well I would love if my in laws were able and when did had the desire to get together. She might not do things the way you do things. That's ok except your differences. Just be happy that you have another grandparent that loves your child so much.
Since when is it a crime for a grandparent to want to spend more time with their grandchildren? Who cares if she comes over to your house weekly? Really?? I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think it needs to be said. Are you really going to be put out by visiting your husbands PARENTS for a few hours on one weekend afternoon? Can you not "relax and hang out" at their house, or while they're at yours? My in-laws live less than 2 miles from us and I love it! My parents are in two different neigboring towns, both at least a 20 minute drive. We don't see them but a couple of times per month. We see my in-laws sometimes 2 and 3 times per week. I just don't get why you want to limit how and when your son sees his grandmother. As for the hospital comment...it really annoyed you that she came to visit more than once when the child of her own child was born? Wow! Really, put yourself in her shoes for just a minute. You are now the most important person in her son's life...you've replaced her in that role. Now you want to control and limit her time with her son and grandson? Grow up.
I think it is great that she wants to have a good relationship with her grandchild and take extra steps to make it happen. I would encourage it and make the time so your son can have that relationship.
My mom lives in Az and flies to see our kids every three months. We wish she could come more often and that we lived closer. My MIL passed away when my oldest daughter was almost 1 year old. Now we only have pictures and stories to keep her memory alive. I so much wish she was still here to enjoy our children and create those bonds. Family is a blessing and when you don't have any around it's really hard to raise a family without that type of support system. I think this situation is all in how you approach it. If you choose to see it as a blessing for your son and your family and manage it however it works into your life then it will be a blessing. Drop your son off at your MILs house once a week and run errands. Let your MIL come over and babysit while you clean house, run errands, take a nap. Use this relationship to your advantage. Invite her over to dinner and ask if sometimes you can have dinner at her house. Make it a trade and encourage her envolvement in your family. When you go on outings to the park, the zoo, or wherever, invite her along. Go on date night and let her babysit. You have a good thing here, take full advantage of it. Foster the relationship, see it as a blessing and it will be just that.
My MIL doesn't live in town (she lives 4 hours away) but typically visits 1 weekend a month. You have several previous posts that are obviously written from a grandparents point of view, telling you to grow up, and let your MIL do what she wants in an effort to bond with her grandchild. I disagree with that completely. This is YOUR CHILD. You and your husband have total control over how often your child sees their grandparents. My in-laws are very overbearing and intrusive. I identify with you with the need to rest after giving birth. You should not be told that this is selfish behavior. What's selfish is the common grandparent thought that they can visit whenever and for how long that they please. "Jamie J" obviously has never had to deal with intrusive in-laws before...
Let your MIL visit your child on your terms. If you have a young child, and you don't set boundaries early, this could affect you for the rest of your life. Regardless if this is your husband's mother or not, it doesn't mean she's an easy person to deal with. I have become very firm with my in-laws about when they can/cannot visit. The most important family unit is the immediate family. I wouldn't compromise your needs in favor of hers. This is your time to be a mother to your child, she's already had that opportunity in raising your husband. She needs to be reminded of her role (as a grandparent) and respect it accordingly.
You don't mention how old your son is. Before they're 3 or so, they are really only going "remember" and be comfortable with people they do see regularly (like, every week.)
On some level, I think it's fantastic that your son's grandma wants to have a real relationship with him, one where they are comfortable with each other and enjoy spending time together - not a distant, formal, occasional-visit relationship.
It sounds like you feel like having your MIL over is a chore, like having a guest over. Is this your expectation of the situation, or does your MIL expect your bathroom to be clean and to be served a snack while you all sit around and visit? It doesn't have to be like that. It could be a relationship where she babysits your son, takes him on outings, and helps around your house when she's there (unloads the dishwasher, folds laundry, whatever.) Where you all go outside to do yard work while your son naps and when he wakes up, she goes in to give him a snack. Whether you really connect with her or not - you don't have to be best friends for her to be a good influence on your son. It's wonderful for kids to have a whole group of grownups they feel close to and who care for them.
It sounds a little like you feel like you can't say "no" to her when she calls and asks for a visit. You are allowed to say "that's not a good time for us, how about this time?" Perhaps a conversation with her is in order - asking if she would be interested in babysitting occasionally, or making a (short) regular date to get together. It needn't change your plans for the weekend - just find a way to fold her into your existing plans. (Going to the park? Ask her along.)
I think a close grandparent relationship can be valuable to the kid and useful to a parent - but you do need to define boundaries and terms so that it's a relationship that works for everyone.
Let me tell you about my two daughter in laws and grandchildren. My first born grandchild's mother included me in everything from doctor visits to being at the hospital when the baby was born, even though she had a c section so I wasn't in the room, I still was able to be there right away. They either brought the baby over to see me every day or had me go over there to help calm the baby. I then babysat the baby when she went back to work and after she decided to become a full time mom, they would still come over every day. My son passed away in June and my daughter in law still brings my granddaughter over every weekend for me to spend time with her. We are very very close and have a great relationship.
My oldest son's wife has a child who was 2 when I met her. She became a granddaughter when my son adopted her but always felt like a granddaughter. They had a boy a year ago and when that daughter in law was pregnant I would offer to take her to the appointments if she didn't have a vehicle, not go in the room with her, just to get her to the appointments but she would reschedule before she would have me drive her there. When she had the baby I went to the hospital and held him. At Christmas eve she let everyone know that her baby will not be passed around. My son had to take him from her for my mother to even get to hold him. She turned me down when she was complaining on facebook that she was tired and needed sleep and I offered to come get my granddaughter or stay and help with both kids. She complained she didn't have help with getting ready for the baby shower and when I offerend to help she turned me down. She doesn't bring the kids over unless her grandparents or her parents can't watch them and I think that is because my son insists on it. I don't see those two grandchildren but once a month or so. When I go over there I feel like I am interfering with her day and being an inconvince so I don't go over unless asked and never asked. I did get to watch my grandson while they took their daughter to a specialist and we had a beautiful day together. He wasn't scared of me and came running with arms wide open when he seen me. Do I love these two as much as I love my first granddaughter.. YOU BET.. do I know them as much, no and because I never got a lot of time with them we don't have as close of a relationship as I do with my first. This daughter in law is totally jealous about the relationship between my youngest son's widow and daughter and me but she could have had the same for her kids and herself had she been more open to it.
So my question is... how important do you think your childs relationship is with his grandmother? A little inconvinence is a small price to pay for the loving relationship between a grandmother and grandchild.
I think you have a lot of GREAT advice and or suggestions below. I wanted to add that recently my MIL has begun to show up at my son's school (she lives 2 blocks away) and will wait for him to get out, this despite knowing that I am picking him up. Now at first I was getting all steamed up about it and would think such things as , wait this is MY time with MY SON and she had her chance to raise a child... Ah yes, those thoughts WERE getting the best of me and to think, I came from a broken family myself , therefore, one might expect just the opposite from me, that in fact I would want my MIL for whom we have nurtured a relationship with son to be close, but just the opposite was happening. I was growing resentful whenever I would see her standing up at the school... I was getting jealous too.. I mean , afterall, this is MY son.. then.............. AFTER reading all the advice below. I realized.. hey, it's ok if Grandma comes to visit her "only" grandbaby... in fact, why not... it's a GREAT thing that she loves him so much.. in this day age, where family are split up (my own at that) then what's so wrong with a kid's grandma wanting to come by and say hi... I mean, if anything, my son NEEDS that important relationship with grandma... and if I am in the way of it by any means, shame on me.... Also, IF anyone can truly love my son as much as I do (which mil does) then who am I to complain about having her around... oh my MIL and I may not see eye to eye on everything, but we thing we do AGREE upon and that is WE both love my son, her grandbaby VERY much... and that is what's most important...
so please, reconsider your angst about this situation. I did... and I think you might find, grandma is just trying to show and express her love.... and that's a good thing..
My MIL went from being pretty close to my kids, to now that her own daughter has a baby, my kids fell off the planet to her. Trust me, its more hurtful when they dont make an effort.
I think the reason it bothers me so much is because growing up, I had a set of grandparents that I only saw at Christmas and they lived 10 minutes from us. They never cared to make the effort and to this day it bothers me that I didnt have a relationship with them.
I think your child will appreciate the memories and the effort.
Wow...sounds to me like you have more problems with your MIL than how often she comes to visit your son!!! I do not live in the same city as my daughters who have children...but I do live within 70 miles of one of them and I know that I am welcomed to come and visit whenever I want..in fact if I don't go there...my daughter and grandson come HERE for a weekend at least once a month or so!!
As to what one of the other Mothers said about children not remembering people until they are 3 or 4 years old....balderdash!!! My grandsons are 3 years and 15 months old...BOTH of them know my husband and myself and are always thrilled to see us. We already have a wonderful relationship with both of them...one of them ( the 3 year old) through frequent person to person visits and the other ( the 15 month old) through nightly "visits" on Skype.
Your MIL needs to be willing to accomodate your schedule, for instance, I don't just "show up" on my daughters doorstep, I call and ask if it is a good time for me to come and visit. Sometimes I have to re-arrange my travel plans because they already have plans but usually they are happy to have me come and spend the day with them. Sit down and talk with your husband about this, then have a talk with your MIL ( hopefully without your son there to witness it, in case it becomes unpleasant!!)....if there are issues that need to be addressed, address them...you are going to have a relationship with this woman for a long time...you need to find a way to get along with her...to be a real family...and allow her to have a relationship with all of you in a pleasant and loving relationship. It will probably take some give and take on BOTH of your parts...you have to be willing to bend a little, as well as your MIL.
Please don't make your child miss out on the great benefits of a loving relationship with a grandparent...I love my grandchildren SO much...and I cannot tell you how much our time together means to me...and also to my grandsons!!!
You never mentioned anything about your mother?....do you feel the same way about her? Or is it different because she is your Mom?.........Remember that your MIL is the baby's Dad's mom.....shouldn't she be treated the same as the baby's Mom's mom?
I can see where this would be frustrating. However, I have to tell you, I lost my mother-in-law a little less than a year ago rather suddenly and I would give almost anything to have her be able to come and visit us whenever she wanted! When she was alive we would see her at least once a week and my son developed such a special bond with her, it was really sweet. I would embrace it, and you can use the time she is there to get done whatever you would like!
I would hate that and would nip it in the bud right away. You gotta set the ground rules for the visits otherwise you will hate your MIL. You didnt say how old your kid is but they dont really remember visitors until they get to be about 3 or 4.
Tell your MIL that you have a busy life and that you enjoy your privacy and you will call her and let her know when she can come visit. You need to get hubby on board for that, he should be the one telling her "Hey mom, we know you want to see the baby more often but we have a life and a routine and we will try to get with you once a month if you'd like, maybe for dinner or lunch every 4th Sunday of the month, or WHATEVER day YOU GUYS decide is a good day to do it.
Don't let her bully visit, it will only cause resentments. Do let her have time with the grandchild, but make it reasonable for both of you. She sounds like an eager G., and they are usually the best babysitters, so you might want to take advantage of that while you can. Don't forget that you will be a grandmother one day too and you will see how it feels to hold your own sons baby and you will see why she wants to make that bond happen. So be fair about what you decide :) What goes around comes around.
My in-laws live 15 minutes away and we see them about once a month, twice if they happen to be coming this way for another appointment.
I used to get so upset that we see them only as much as we see my parents.. who live over an hour away! BUT, when my in-laws DO come over it's on their time, their schedule, regardless if the girls are napping or we have something else planned to do. I would think "if they're only coming over once a month, why can't they pick a time when we are available?!" It just doesn't register with them that if they come when the girls are napping, the dog barks and the girls lose out on their much-needed naps and are crabby while they're here.
All I can say is try to be thankful she's wanting to help out....even though i get the whole on her own time thing. It's annoying most times that they are inconsiderate like that, but i suppose it's better than grandparents that don't come around at all, right?
Good luck. Maybe your husband can try to explain to her the better times for her to visit and explain that getting the right times for visits might help your child be more open to seeing her?
I have the opposite problem! All four of my childrens grandparents live 10-20 mins from us and see our kids about an hour a month!! Of course if they were over every weekend Im sure I wouldn't like that either!! Maybe you can work something out where once a month she can babysit while your husband and you have date night?! Then she can be with her grandson without intruding on your plans. And then on another weekend yall can plan a sat or sun brunch. If your doing the planning then it will seem like you really want her around more plus you get to plan the times and days shes there!
Can you drop him off the same day, same time, each week and get a few hours alone time? This sounds like the kind of lady you will need to be one step ahead of or she will run your life. Time to get pushy back, and simply arrange things to your liking. I would say: "Great, which day works for you and I will drop him off with a full diaper bag so I can clean my house/sleep/cook", whatever reason she sympathizes with.
Sigh, my mother in law use to males drive almost an hour every weekend to go see her, even before the baby was born, because she was lonely.
However her daughter who lives 15 min. away from her would only go in Holidays and if she was really, really sick she would go for 10min.
This was also during the time was very expensive (which it looks that they are almost here again).
We suck it up, and went there every weekend.
When our baby born, MIL and SIL went once to the hospital and once to our home and never went again.MIL doesn't like to long and is afraid to drive at night or in rain...unless is for going out with her friends once a month (??).
So after a couple weeks of our baby born she start complaining about us not coming over. SIL never mind to drive her to our house and also never came to see the baby.
We suck it up ad went. We move away to other state and they only went once.
Well, she does't even remember this, she doesn't like me and I don't like her but she seems have "forgotten" all we have done.
Looking back I wish I had done a little more about what she wanted and a little more of what we did.
Get in a the same boat with your husband and and decide how much are you comfortable to do.
Have your husband then talk to his mom.
If she wants more time and you trust her with the baby, you can drop the baby to her house and you guys can go spend the time alone doing what ever you want to do.
I don't know how old your son is right now however as he ages, he will get involved in different activities (sports, gymnastics, music, etc). Those activities are opportunites for your mil to see your child and, it won't add additional time at your (or her house). You'll need to go to the event anyway so why not have G'ma meet you there to enjoy the experience, too. Trust me, she'll thank you. You'll need to buck up & set your boundaries w/t dear mil but I would STRONGLY suggest you & your husband get on the same page (do I hear Date Night, anyone?) and present a united front. Show him the benefits of you being a relaxed wife ;) Good luck! It will be a battle if hubby isn't with you on this one, I guarantee it.
I grew up going to one of my grandparents house every weekend. Whether it was just me and my sis or moms and dads (parents are remarried). I have the most awesome relationships with my grandparents. And now my grandparents have fantastic relationships with their great grandkids. Prior to two years ago we lived 700 miles away from all family...seeing my family and my in laws is very important to me. I wanted my kids to have the same kind of relationship.
Take her up on coming over or brining your youngen to her...use that time to do something for yourself or your relationship with your husband.
As an adult I can talk to my granny about anything, because we spent so much time together. I miss my moms mom so incredibly much, she has been gone for three years and I would give anything for my kids to have one day with her. To know the woman that I know...it's worth the time to let them build a relationship....
My mil has not come to visit ever. We see her 1x or 2x a year and thats about it. As for your mil, she is just excited to have a grandchild! My mom loves seeing my kids and if she doesn't see them for like a day, she is like--I miss them! I haven't seen them in sooo long--I can't go another day etc. lol. So just set the boundary and give her suggested times of when it would work for you---she doesn't rule your life if you don't let her. GL!
My mom lives 30 min away and we see her at least once a week (and it's usualy an all day thing), however we have 3 kids and our oldest has a lot of activities going on. So most of the time we drop one or two kids off at her house (or she picks them up) and we can run and do things with just our oldest or alone, and she still gets her grandma time. She is usulay very tired after a day of this and so are the kids. They sleep better and my mom is good for grandma time for the rest of the week. I thinks its great they get that time with my parents and great I get that time with out the little kids! Good luck!
You may just have to have a really honest talk about expectations. Like in my case, I had my MIL in the delivery room with our first and would have never limited the time she could come to see her son or grandson. I am just an open person like that. I figure that our children are just as much her grandchilden as my mother's grandchilden so I try to include in the exact same way I include my own mother. Now fast forward a few years when my sons are having babies. I may have a daughter in law that is different than me, maybe more reserved and more defined in her plans. So if I am not fully aware of that, maybe, hopefully not!, I could be the overbearing mother in law. I would appreciate an open talk to clear the air. Communication is key. Maybe if you let her know you love her tons but just want to set a time maybe twice a month, that would be better for you because it makes you anxious to think of someone, anyone, at your house every week. One of those it's not you, it's me kind of things. Good luck!! Hopefully a good talk will help before things get to a boiling point and everyone says things they don't mean.
I hear you but I say embrace it unless she is mean and rude to you when she visits. I was one of those people who hated drop ins and always wanted my house clean before people came over before I had a kiddo. Now I am grateful for people to come over! I enjoy seeing everyone and just hang out. I also have no problem delegating to my family or close friends who drop by - either to take care of DD while I fold laundry, dishes etc or doing the work themselves. I figure if they want to be close to her, they should see the real life - haha! Good luck to you.
My mother-in-law comes sometimes twice a week while I work from home. She is retired but has health issues so can't handle the kids on her own but can help out a bit (sometimes less help than it is worth but nice for the kids to see her). She was coming after their naps and staying for dinner which is a hectic time for us and started to really stress me out. So, I just let her know mornings would be a more helpful time to stop by. Then she leaves after lunch when they go down for naps. If you are uncomfortable with the set visit each week, I would suggest telling her you are busy and schedule the visit a week at a time. I also make my husband do the negotiating with his family. It is nice for them to visit but I understand your dilemma. My mom is younger and we probably see her once a week as well but we get together to do things (shop, zoo, etc) and I am more comfortable telling her no because I know she understands. Good Luck.
Never, we go to theirs about one time a month.
Our daughter spends the night at his parents house with her cousins giving us and his sister and her husband date nights and time with the grand kids all at once.
They have a very busy schedule.
My parents live out of state so we never have any family over... it's awesome :D
No advice on how to get her to chill out, but that would drive me crazy, good luck!
How old is the child? Once a week can be manageable ifshe only stays for an hour or so. Head to yoga or to errands when she comes and let hubby entertain :). Or could she develop more of a relationship with child and take him to library or something?
Why don't you let your son's grandma have a date with him every other week so you and your husband can have alone time. Then maybe you can visit every other week with her. I think it's great that she wants to spend time with your son and lives in your area.
I loved when my MIL or mother came to visit because I could get some things done. I must be the exception because my MIL and FIL came a few times a week for dinner and it was always welcomed and by invitation. I think my children (now grown) have wonderful memories or the time they spent being spoiled by their grandparents. My inlaws and mom used to sleep over every Christmas eve to watch their grandchildren open their gifts from Santa, then I would make a huge brunch for us and we celebrated the day. I didn't have to sit and entertain them, if I needed to do an errand I did it. If I needed to take a shower, clean the bathroom, do some laundry I did it. I didn't think it was a big deal. My SIL"S did not do the same thing, they only had them on special occasions, and that's what worked for them. It didn't bother me. I don't think there is an acceptable behavior as far as MIL'S visiting, I think it is what works for your family. Try to let it work for your child's sake. Yes, grandma's do things differently then we do, but they raised us and we survived lol!! Grandparents are supposed to overindulge their grandchildren and spoil them, and the children learn the difference. Let her spend the time with her grandchild, grandparents can bring so much love to their grandchildren. Just my opinion, but I had wonderful inlaws so maybe like I said I am the exception.
My hubby is an only child and his mom and i didn't get along very well when I was pregnant (I blame hormones for my part in it) but she started to worry that I'd cut her off from her grandchildren and started getting more pushy and bossy - which didn't go over well with me! We "had it out" and ended up really discussing what the problem was and I think it's helped both of us better understand each other - I made sure she didn't feel "cut off" and she learned to respect my privacy and followed our "house rules" because she isn't the parent this time. In the end, she's been a huge help to us and I get along better with her concerning my kids than I do with my own mom! She actually helped us work it out so that we didn't have to put our kids into daycare, she comes over 2-3 days a week so my husband can go into work 2 hours earlier (he works evenings), she picks my son up from school one day a week when hubby goes to ECFE with our daughter, she stayed one evening a week when my son had TBall and played at the park with my daughter so I could help with TBall, and when I was on partial bed rest with my daughter she stayed 2 days a week until bed time and helped with dinner and bath time and cleaning. My kids have a GREAT relationship with her, and I trust her with my kids more than my own parents.
I guess what I'm saying is - get the feelings out and discuss what it is you BOTH want from each other and work out a plan that works for BOTH of you - and be creative! Your kids will thank you for allowing them to have a relationship with their grandma (who seems to want a good relationship with them - and judging by other comments you've gotten, that's not always the case) and it will work out better if you are honest and don't resent her "intrusions" on your life and family.
I didn't read the other answers but I wanted to put in my two cents.
I have the flip of the coin. My MIL has never been to my house or the condo we lived in before here. She has seen my daughter under 10 times in her life (she's almost 6). Yes, not her biological granddaughter but she sees his step children from his previous marriage (that ended about 12 years ago) on a regular basis. My daughter and I have never been in her house, never spent a holiday or any day with her side of the family.She has interacted with my daughter two times in her life. She hates me and so refuses to have anything to do with myself or our daughter. Unless it is to badmouth us to my hubby or try to convince him to leave us.
Your MIL's behavior can be annoying but you do have a silver lining. You have someone else who loves your child a whole lot and is in your family's corner. Do you think if you were able to think of some positives about why she acts the way she acts that it would a little easier for you to take some of her overbearingness to some degree? Just a thought. Good luck to you.
are we related!? (OR, rather, our husbands?) im convinced hes my husbands long lost brother.
i would just hold firm. i agree with you; its not fun to have to have company every single weekend. and its annoying to have someone so controlling like that. my MIL also drove me crazy the second our son was born; spent every day i was in the hospitol there with me, never leaving me alone. then came over every single day the first week we were home. drove me absolutly insane. for some reason, she thuoght i would want her to watch my son while i slept. im sorry, im not that kind of mom! i didnt have a baby so someone else could watch him!
she only live a mile away, and they dont drop in often (which is surprising and such a relief!)
so anyway, do your best to hold firm. dont answer the phone. dont answer the door. seriously. whats she gonna do, break in? claim you were napping or sleepin in or something. she cant just tell you shes going to come over every single weekend.
besides that, its not anyone's fault your son is acting this way. this is just the way kids act sometimes. its nothing that can be changed, no matter how often she gets to see him. she could come every day and he might act this way still! perhaps educating her about stranger anxiety in some kids might be some information she needs to know. this is just normal, and pushing herself and her presence on your son isnt really going to solve the problem, but in time he will outgrow it himself. :)
so anyway, do your best to stand firm, and if possible, your husband should take care of it because this is HIS mother. he needs to stand up and say "no, this is our family and we cant do this every weekend".
i tell you what, they might not drop in but every weekend we get at least one phone call (unless we are out of town). its like, give me a day off! LOL
I'm sure she just wants her grand child to remember her and not be one of those grand parents who are not involved with their grandchildren. my mom has so many grandchildren and works. She doesn't ever come to my house which is 15 mins away maybe less. None of my kids have a special bond with her. My kids other gma passed away and she's the one who treated them all very good and always made sure a bday card was sent out so they got it right on their bday if the party was after. I would love to have her here. Welcome her and let her know your house may not always be tidy when she gets there or you may have things to do but she is welcome. She will appreciate that and love you for it. Who knows? It could turn out to be a good thing. Take the help. P.S. I feel this way when people invite themselves over too but if it's someone who may help you out with the child do it. We don't have any help and have a huge family.
My MIL lives 2 blocks from our house. We have a standing Tuesday night visit where she either comes to our house or we go to hers from 6-8. More often than not, she doesn't show up to our house on her night until around 7, then complains that her grandchild starts to get tired around 7:30pm. Then she complains to my husband that our son doesn't know who she is and that he must be going through the terrible 2's (he is 20 months old). Granted, he has some moments - but she wants to hold him like a baby and he doesn't like that anymore. She also doesn't get down to his level and play with him, the way that my parents do.
We also see my parents (who live about 30 minutes away) bi-weekly - ususally on the weekend, since bed time during the week is 8:15ish, so they get double time every other week. I have offered to have MIL follow the same schedule, but she doesn't want that.
We have recently started letting our son spend the night with both sets of our parents - trading off every other month. It is a great opportunity for date night.
While I wouldn't mind not seeing my MIL on a weekly basis, I don't want to deprive my child of a relationship with her. It is not the same as he has with my parents (they interact with him more on his level). My MIL tends to not play and talk politics with my husband more often than not, then complains about how the baby won't sit with her.
Now - with all that being said - I do think that it is not unreasonable to want a weekend alone - no grandparents. We try to take every 3rd weekend to ourselves. No visitors. I have my husband lay down the law with my MIL - and I tell my parents. My parents have no problem respecting our wishes, my MIL does.
wow I wouldnt know whats thats like. my MIL lives about 10-15 minutes from us. in fact she owns half the house we live in (she bought it with my hubby many years ago but lives with her husband my husbands stepdad) but i have seen her once. she never talks to us or has really met me or my son (like I said I have seen her, but never really met her) though she sent us a christmas card last year and signed it "mom" I thought it was kind of odd (my husband calls her by her first name)
Everybody loves raymond... lol jk. You should just control it as much as possible. She is probably upset about how clingy he was (for good reason, sayin he was sick and stuff) to the dad and feels she needs to bond with him again. Personally I would love if my ex-mother in law came over like that because she is a sweet awesome person but obviously it depends on how you and your mil get along or mesh.
When she says she's going to come over every week I don't think she is necessarily trying to be controlling but more like a statement that she is going to see him more often. I say that to friends, like I'm going to call you all the time or come see you every weekend but realistically it doesn't happen and the message I was really saying is I'm going to pay more attention to you :P Just be thankful she loves him so much, some people have so much drama cuz they have psycho grandparents. If she is ridiculously pushy just kindly put your foot down.
My in-laws come to visit about once a month, and we go there 1-3 times a month; they live an hour away. I prefer to go to their house because then *we* control how long we stay and I don't have to cook or clean for company.
Why not take advantage of her weekly visits and go see a movie, go for a walk or just get out of the house with your husband? She gets to visit with her grandson, you and hubby get time away together, and you don't have to see you MIL if you don't want to! It's win-win :o)
My MIL lives about 40 minutes away. My parents live about 30 minutes away. MIL has come to see our son (now 3 years old) 6 or 7 times in his life (and three of those were on his birthdays). My parents start going into withdrawal if they go more than 6 or 7 days without seeing him.
MIL put off coming to see him after he was born, saying the day she was going to come might have too much traffic on the road so she'd come a few days later. She did not attend his birthday party this year b/c she didn't like it last year when he was playing with his friends the whole time. On the other hand, my parents love seeing him "in his element" and enjoy meeting his friends.
When MIL does come, she barely talks to my son and definitely doesn't get down on the floor to play with him. She spends most of her time trying to talk to my husband while he tries to get her to interact with our little guy. Even when we met her at a pumpkin patch last fall for a fun family thing, she spent most of the time hanging out on her own or trying to talk to my husband about people he went to high school with (20 years ago) and did not really try to get involved with our son who was excited about seeing everything.
Then, she complains that our son doesn't really know her. Gee, I wonder why? We do try to stress to our son when he's playing with a toy from her that it's from this nana so that he'll have some frame of reference when he sees her some 10 months later.
She has other grandsons that live 3 hours away and she visits them all the time. So, it's not exactly a physical distance thing.
Still, I'm not complaining. We obviously don't have a strong relationship with her or she'd feel like seeing us/him more often. And, we've never taken our son to her house or even my husband's hometown b/c DH does not like most of his family. I cannot fault MIL for not coming if we don't make her feel particularly welcome in the first place. That is for DH and his mom to work out. There are many things I do not like about her either, but if DH wanted a better relationship, I wouldn't stand in the way. When my son gets older, he will be able to say if he wants more interaction.
Now my parents might need a restraining order! :) Actually, it's nice that they really love him. They are not the kind of grandparents that babysit or that even do things with him on their own, but they make time to be with us as a family or meet out at places to eat or even go to his preschool events. It kind of surprises me that they are so involved. Guess DS is pretty awesome!
You will no doubt get a mixed bag of responses to yet another MIL saga. If you all have a schedule or a preferred time for her or anyone else to visit stick to that schedule. I sense she wants the child attached to her and that's insecurity and selfish thinking. I mean forcing herself on you and the child is not going to make for a healthy relationship.
I think it can vary hugely from family to family. My husband and I lived literally less than a mile down the road from my MIL for 3 years and she never set foot in our house. We were at her house a few times a month, though. We moved about 45 minutes away and she has driven up once- for my stepdaughter's birthday party- and that is all. My husband is not terribly close to his family. My mom, who lives about 4 hours hours away, but travels for business stops by about every 2 or 3 months as she has time.
She might be overwhelming your son too. My stepdaughter went through a phase from about 3-8 that she took forever to warm up to and talk to any adult- including me, grandparents, etc. She would also cling to my husband during these times. Maybe you could come up with a fun thing that the two of them could do together, maybe 1 or 2 times a month, that would be their special thing......
I see my MIL every day - she lives next door and is in her 70's She is helpful to me and kind and never stays more than an hour, so I really don't mind.
Usually she calls, but sometimes not. We also eat sunday lunch with them every week.
I guess I see them a lot!
If you are not happy, you need to get your husband to deal with it - we have a rule in my family.
You deal with your family, I will deal with mine
I understand what you are saying and I agree with you. Every person is different! There is a comment below where someone is telling you to grow up...just ignore them. They may have perfect in laws but not everyone is so lucky and the issue is not whether or not to GROW UP but to have space. As for me I don fair well with my mother in law. We have a whole ocean that separates us. My husband wants to have her visit and I get up set cause she stays in my home for several months! She doesn't repect my space and she tend to tell me what to do! When I had my daughter last year my MIL came for four months. I had a C section and she was up set with me because I was in bed for the first 3 months recovering and I had my daughter with me. She made the whole situtation about her feelings. What she thought and how I should recover and behave. This woman wanted to stay in the hospital while I had my daughter I said no. I didn't want anyone there not even my family. Does this mean I need to grow up no it means I needed my space and time to bond with MY child. And my MIL does not need to see me while I am have a baby. And if I want to raise my child the way my husband and I see fit. It's not my MILs business to tell me what to do. I never will replace HER as my husbands son, so the person saying that what wifes do that is crazy.
My MIL always only wants my oldest child and not my yougest one. Feel blessed! I wish that she would come over more often and hang out but she's a busy lady. We are pretty close so she sees them often enough, but she's only really close to my 10 year old and not my 3 year old.
my mil hasnt seen our son in over 2 months because it's expected that i make the effort... your situation wouldnt be pleasant either, but this world would be better if we could all agree on a happy medium!
We tried to find a way for my inlaws to spend time with our kids every week. yes it does get a little annoying - let's face it - they're not your parents. But studies have shown that kids do really well when they have lots of people around them who love them. how nice for them to have an extra set of adoring people in their life. My FIL passed away 18 mos ago when my kids were 10 and 13, and now my MIL is in a nursing home - so I'm so glad that we encouraged these relationships while we could - you never know what's going to happen - my inlaws were barely 70 when their health began to deteriorate rapidly 2 years ago.
My kids were blessed to have this time with people who ADORED them - and now my mom is in her final illness and we expect that she has only about 6 mos or less - so we know from experience that you can't assume the relationship will develop in the future. WE don't know what the future will hold.
My inlaws would babysit, sometimes pick the kids up from pre-school, then elementary school and then middle school as they got older. We'd have them over for dinner often when their health began to fail. It was a blessing for them as well as for the kids.
Finally - we also try to cultivate relationships with their cousins and aunts and uncles (not so with the few who have serious mental health or substance abause issues). This provides yet another layer of loving people surroungding my kids. It's only a good thing to have these circles of love around your kids.
I'm afraid you will find me lacking empathy on this one. My own mother, who lived nearby almost always never came except for the occasional birthday party,never babysat, never chopped a carrot with me and never really got to know her grandchildren. She was/is self centered and selfish at times. I love her as my mom, but I envy others who have family members who go the extra stretch. She is perfectly healthy and has a husband who is willing to cart her almost everywhere. She also did not come to my son's wedding an hours ride away from her house (??) why-do not know. I am not the black sheep or anything, she simply doesn't have the capacity to care. This woman obviously does (your MIL) AND if you want to sit around and be family, she seems to be more than willing. And she sounds very nice. She was/is excited to see the baby. I saw another mother say this, enjoy her while she is around. You are another mother, too. Do you want that to be the same with you when your child is older?
I don't really have any advice for you, but I thought I'd tell you it could be worse! My MIL lives about 5 minutes from us. She is now retired. If she doesn't see our kids EVERY day, she will call and give my husband a hard time about it. My husband typically picks the kids up at daycare, but first he picks his mom up so she can go with him. If my husband works an evening shift and takes the kids to daycare his mom AND his sister go along. For a long time people at daycare assumed that my MIL lived with us. If I plan something special for us to do with the kids I don't say anything to my husband until the night before or until after I've purchased tickets. If my MIL knows we are doing something she just assumes it includes her. She and my SIL even showed up at the photo studio for our son's 3 month pictures. It drives me crazy!! Your MIL doesn't sound so bad to me! Good luck finding a balance that works for you.
Both my MIL and Mother live close by, I have the opposite problem and that my mom is very demanding. It took awhile for me to let go, but once I had my second, I welcomed either one with taking them.
It will be frustrating for you for a couple of weeks, but have her come by and spend time with your son. Once he gets used to her, you will feel comfortable dropping him off ( a lot) at her house so you can get some "me" time.
Unfortunately, you will have to grin and bear her till they bond.
As long as your mother-in-law respects you and how you do things, let her come over. She loves her grandchild and wants to be a part of his life. She could keep him occupied, playing or reading to him while you get something done. Once the weather is warmer they can go for a walk or to the park. Let them build memories together, he will remember them fondly. I love spending time with my grandchildren. It's Spring break week here and I haven't said anything yet but I hope to get the kids at least one day.
My MIL never respected anyone and always spent her time telling everyone how to do everything. She was the expert. It's too bad, my daughter found one of her dad's cousins on facebook and found out just how much the woman was disliked. When I divorced my ex my family was so happy they didn't have to endure her anymore. I wish I had stood up to her but I avoided her to keep the peace.
So set boundries, but let her and your son spend time together.
I like LInda P's answer....if she insists on coming whenever she wants or however often, schedule it...and get a babysitter out of the it!
My in laws are similar but not as physically pushy, but they do get whiney. I love that they love my daughter, but THEIR schedule is only late mornings or weekends. I am not willing to give every weekend to them and we work (tho at home) during the day. So I sort of have to give up my day to them. They actually try to come over more often, and we tell them we are busy.
Eventually I said to them..look YOU are only available late mornings or weekends. If you want to come over earlier mornings or later afternoons, that be great, but you can't so....this is how it is and I am too busy to go to your house, if you want to see Lana (the baby) then you need to come here because I am not th eone with the crazy time schedule.
I also started leaving the room when they are here and doing things that I need to do (not cuz I dont like them just because I have stuff to do). Just don't allow yourself to be put out. You may also point out that the reason he doesn't remember is because SHE left for 4 weeks!
OH, in quick answer to your question. MY in laws (who live in town) come once a week (they push for more).
My own mother (who is like having a free nanny) comes as much as I can convince her!! :)