"Asking for Guidance on Aggressive Behavior of Three Year Old with Animals"

Children under the age of 5, no matter how smart they are, need supervision with pets. They are naturally curious and don't understand their ability to hurt animals especially for the safety of the pet in this case. Model correct behavior, be an authoritative parent.
Children have to live in the world with all kinds of people, try not criticize her father because he is half of her, and will always be in her life. She may feel a need to protect him if she feels he is being put down.
Process with her what she has heard while with him. Explain how to treat people and animals and why. Ask her what she thinks is the right way to handel animals and people and why. It sounds like you have lots of negative feelings toward the father. If he is really a danger get a court order to keep him away. Maybe you need to slow down so you have more energy and time for her. Sorry if you are offended.

I read your plea and it reminds me very much of my experience with my three children and my ex. He was very different from me ,especially as I matured and he didn't (which led to our eventual divorce). We did not hold the same values and I was constantly concerned that my children's contact with their father would effect their how they view the world around them and interact with it. Unfortunately, a lot of our differences were cultural and sociological and not necessarily "detrimental" in a sense that a court was willing to find such.

Seems to me that you may be in the same situation, or also be over reacting to a young child's typical behavior. Here's some suggestions:

1. If you feel that your daughter is acting out due to her father teaching her violence, then I'd suggest speaking with a child pychologist/professional to see about modifying your child's visitation schedule, or possibly asking the father to participate in some counseling and monitoring of his interactions with his daughter.

2. Three year olds tend to be rough on small animals, oftentimes they haven't yet developed the needed empathy or ability to modulate their impulses enough to be able properly handle a delicate animal, for instance -- they may get excited and wish to hug the kitten, or "play" with it by tossing it around, not being able to understand that its not constructed like a stuffed toy. That tendency goes away with gradual maturity and the best bet is to not allow her unsupervised time with any young animals and also to model (when able to) proper behavior with a young animal (petting, gentle holding).

3. If you are the primary caretaker and spend the majority of time with your child, model appropriate behavior and social skills, your child will follow along. The non-custodial parent will play a minor role, especially if he/she has conflicts with the non-custodial parents' behavior/thinking. But this comes in time. Some advice: DO NOT berate, belittle, put down, scorn or show ill feelings toward her father. No matter how "bad" he may be, he is her father and she identifies him as part of herself -- thus, you damn him, you damn her.

Finally, three years old is pretty darn young, relax and keep on the right path, I'm sure you'll do fine.

J.,
I too would be concerned with aggressive behavior with animals. As someone working on a phd in psychology, has it crossed your mind to get her some kind of psychological help? You don't specifically say what she is doing to the kittens but if she is truly trying to hurt them, something is going on that warrents help.
In another post, you asked for help with discipling her, stating that you have been overly permissive while her father is strict with her. It sounds like she is a confused child and trying to establish her own power in the world. When two parents (together or not) are not consistent, children can become confused.
I would look into a child therapist. As someone working on a Phd, you must be in therapy yourself or working with a mentor. They may have good recommendations as to who to bring her to.

J....
If you feel like your ex is doing pschological harm or teaching your daughter innapropriate things then take it to a lawyer. From there you can get supervised visits where a court appointed mediator will step in if things dont feel right.
Im assuming you have talked with him (although I know from experience its like talking to a wall) and continue to correct your child when she acts out.It sounds like you are a smart and focused mother!

defend herself? against KITTENS? this guy needs some THERAPY!! But it sounds like he is too good for that. Maybe get her into therapy asap to counteract the things he is trying to teach her. Ugh what an awful situation, to so strongly disagree with the other parent's ways. I'm sorry.

Hi J.,

As far as the behavior with your daughter is concerned, I agree with the previous poster who recommended having her seek counseling. Even if she were not exhibiting this kind of behavior, given how you have described her father and the relationship you have with him, it seems like a good choice for her. I am not an advocate for going to counseling as a "quick fix," but it really sounds like she would benefit from this route.

The other poster also recommended getting a lawyer involved. Whenever it comes to the parents of a child not being together, it is always wise to have every little thing in writing--legally. Too few are amicable and can work things out without negative elements emerging. The safe side is to have all of your bases covered; then her father has no leg to stand on if he goes against a court-ruling.

Aggressive behavior with animals is a serious issue, you need to go to court and ask for supervised visits. This will turn into a bigger problem for her in school and life in general. You need to act soon.