My 3 Year Old Is Torturing Our Kittens. Help!

Have you read siblings without rivalry? It teaches parents to give the attention to the victim rather than the abuser. We, as parents, unintentionally provide attention toward negative behavior, thereby enforcing this type of attention seeking.

I would think she is just not at all ready to have pets. I would find the cats a new home and try some animals later. 3 years old is still a bit young, as she is needing to be the center of attention.

Luck,
C.

M.,
I'm sorry for your tough situation! I'm also sorry, but I have to disagree with the previous response. There is NOTHING normal about a 3 year old girl repeatedly and intentionally hurting an animal. Especially a defenseless and (I assume) cute one like a kitten. Reading your post set off huge red flags for me and made me want to cry! She is old enough to know better, and if you've repeatedly told her no, modeled the correct behaviour and disciplined her for it, then she is doing it on purpose. It may be that she's trying to get your attention, or acting out because of another more serious behavior problem. But you have to remove the cats from the situaion ASAP before she does serious harm to one of them! If you call your local ASPCA or animal shelter, they should be able to help you find a temporary foster home situation for the kittens or something. Then I suggest you have her talk to a counselor to find out why she would do this. Good luck!

Hello M.,
What a difficult, awful situation to be in. I'll try and add a few perspectives. I just finished writing my master's thesis on how to use positive discipline techniques to help small children get along with cats. No joke! Pretty relevant. I did focus on two year-olds, and I know that three year olds are a whole different ball of wax (my daughter is still two). However, I'll give it a shot. I'm also happy to send you a copy of my thesis, and you can read the relevant portions for a LOT more detail. My email is ____@____.com.

I think that unless you're willing to devote a LOT of time and energy to solving this problem, you should indeed try to find another home for the cats. The younger the cats are, the easier it will be to find a home for them. So if your gut is telling you that the right thing to do is find them another home or take them to a shelter, by all means do it soon.
I also agree that getting your daughter some addition support/evaluation/etc. is a good idea. Her behavior does seem extreme, but not out of the bounds of ordinary for small kids.

It is key that you supervise her when she's around the cats. I know that's probably next to impossible with another little one around, but this is what you need to do until the behavior is changed. One way to accomplish that is to separate your daughter from the cats by having them in a safe place with everything they need (food, water, litter, toys, resting place, etc.).

Personally, I do not recommend spanking her when she does the wrong thing to the cats. I may be dead wrong, but my sense is that at best it will create a scenario where she'll behave when your present but really socks it to them if no one is watching. She very well might really seek out opportunities where she can catch them alone. Again, supervision, supervision, supervision.

The emphasis of my thesis was on telling small children exactly what to do with cats, as opposed to focusing on what they should not do. Very specific language about petting, how to pet, where, and with constant supervision. Also about creating other habits of care that can substitute for the negative attention, i.e. giving them food every day, and (if she can handle this) even hand feeding them dry food.

I would also add that it really sounds to me like your daughter is feeling like the situation is out of control, and she's looking for control over the cats. At least with my daughter, even though most of her problem behaviors have cleared up, she still likes to chase them sometimes or make a loud noise because she likes the power of the cause and effect that's created by her actions. Channeling this desire for power and influence into something positive (feeding them, brushing them) might help.

There's lots more I could say. Anyone reading this is welcome to email at the address above. However, my sense is that you're probably dealing with more than you can handle and you need to simplify the situation. Having two kittens and a baby is a ton. My best wishes to you in this very hard situation.

L.

I'd say she's not ready for pets in the home and you should give the cats away. As much as we shouldn't think of pets as disposable, it is a much better alternative than letting your daughter torture them. She can learn the lesson of "gentle" some other way without putting live animals in danger. I'd also be watching her carefully around her baby brother as she might try transfering her behavior to him once the kittens are gone. I read your letter to my husband and asked him what he thought. He saw this in a different way and had this take on the situation. He feels this is more a sibling rivalry issue since the brother came along. She maybe has enough compassion and knows not to hurt him, but is gealous of the time you spend taking care of him so she has gone after the next smallest thing she can find (the cats). Pretty good obsevation from a guy if you ask me, Hope things smooth out for you and your family soon. (o:

It sounds like there are a lot of problems going on with your dear daughter lately.
I agree that the cats should be given away immediately before they are seriously damaged or they decide to fight back and hurt one of the kids.
You'll need the advice of a doctor to check for physical and emotional problems at this point (I know that's hard to hear - I'm sorry).
I think right now your daughter seems to really be struggling with something that she needs to find new ways to work out (maybe jealousy of her brother or a new stress at home). I give my daughter "angry clay" (play dough) to smash as hard as she would like on the table. My mom use to work as an OT and she also recommends one of those blow up dolls that you can hit and will bounce back at you (or just hitting a pillow) and then talking about feelings once the intense emotions have passed. Talking about things like what she could do before she gets so angry to feel better. I also have my DD take deep "belly breaths" as we call them - basically breathing in so deep and filling up her belly and then letting it out slowly- we'll do this one to three times depending on how angry she is to help cut tension.
This may feel a little bleak right now but think of it this way- once you can get your daughter to learn how to control her anger and work through it she'll be much better off through school and dealing with others as she grows.
*hugs*

PLEASE PLEASE find a new home for your cats. It's also up to you to keep same safe. Right now, they are being abused. Please, for them, and you (I imagine you'd feel awful if anything happened), keep them safe.

Yes, find the kittens a new home. This is not okay for the cats. It's also not okay for her to treat an animal this way and it is a huge red flag for future behavior. The cats, right now, are innocent victims, and they need to go somewhere safe.

I agree with the other Moms. Please take these poor kittens to the SPCA or to an animal shelter TODAY. It's not fair to the cats to be abused and tortured. They'll end up with emotional problems and will be hard to adopt out and they may never be normal cats. And the longer you keep the kitties in your house-- one day they are going to have enough from your daughter and she's going to get hurt. Make an appointment with your pediatrician and ask him about this aggresive bahavior in your 3 year old. She may just need extra attention now, but this also may be a sign of a more serious emotional problem for her. It's always better to handle problems early. Hopefully she's just not ready for pets. No pets in your house until she's older--not even fish! Not even Sea Monkeys! Not worth the trouble. How is her behavior with her 1 year old brother? I am an at home mother too, but my son is older now. I remember what it was like when he was small. Make sure that you take the kids out to the park and to activities--get out of the house every day or every other day. It's good for all of you to get exercise and fresh air and stimulation outside of the house.

I agree with Jessica M, she needs a good swat on her butt. I don't know when spankings went out of style, but I got them when I was a kid, and I learned, and I didn't grow up to be violent. My kids have had them, when they do dangerous things. It's not a regular thing in our house, becuase they learn and don't want to have another one. Spankings are always done calmly, not in anger and the kids are giving a hug and a kiss after. It's never a beating, it's a couple of swats on the butt and it's over, but IT WORKS!!!

M.,

Everyone speaks of the terrible two's.....but I'm here to tell ya the three's are treacherous.

Your daughter is not being violent. She's being a three year old. Many children this age are like this when a new pet is brought into the home. Most three year olds are in no way ready for the introduction of a pet into the family; especially a baby pet. They are just learning to explore the world around them and a pet is way too fascinating for them to let it alone. I've seen it a hundred times...parents buy their toddlers a puppy or a kitten and the animal usually ends up with some sort of break or fracture. The child doesn't mean to hurt the animal they just don't realize their own strength. You'll really need to be patient with her and continue to reinforce the "be gentle" behavior, she will eventually understand....

My husband and I had a dog before the children were born and the first couple of children did not act this way with the dog because it was already part of the family. He later died and of course the kids wanted another. By then my youngest was three. I wasn't sure if she was ready for a pet so I took her to the Humane Society to observe her reaction and interaction with the animals....it wasn't pretty - she was a holy terror. So we waited until she was mature enough not to chase, strangle or maim the poor thing.

My advice to any parent considering buying a puppy or a kitten, is to really think it through and visit an animal shelter to gauge the child's behavior. If you're uncertain, wait until your child is at least 5 years so they can appreciate and help care for the animal. So many animals wind back up in the shelters or dumped on the side of the road because people don't think about the ramifications of pet ownership.

Hope this is comforting. Good Luck!
Connie

BTW - You may want to consider crating the animals periodically to help alleviate the stress both you and they feel.

Hi M.,

Especially when a child is young, I always think (at least thought) it's a good idea to introduce our children to some sort of pet. It can be their "practice" on how to treat others with respect. Does she treat other children the same way as the kittens? If her behavior is saved only for the kittens, then the problem is coming from lack of punishement for her behavior. However, if she treats everything and everybody like this, then your daughter may have a behavioral problem, and you should seek help for her ASAP, and get her ready before kindergarten :o)

You were very clear about explaining what/how your daughter tortures your kittens, however, you didn't mention what punishment she receives EACH AND EVERY TIME she does something to these poor, precious kittens. For your daughter to do this on a regular basis, I would have to assume that there isn't a "consistent punishment attached to the crime." Because you may say "stop that...." every other time, she thinks it's "OK" to keep doing it. If you are a SAHM, then your focus should be on this issue over anything else-stop the laundry, the dishes, the errands...your house will still stand for a couple of days until you get your daughter back on track. DO NOT LEAVE HER ALONE WITH THOSE KITTENS!!!

If you intend on keeping these kittens, then she needs to learn that you mean business! If you cannot seem to be consistent with her to STOP TORTURING those kittens, then she needs them to be taken away!!! 3 chances, and it's over!

Now, I notice that you have a 1 year old boy. I would expect these behaviors from him at his age, however, even a 1 year old learns the difference between right and wrong.
I think it's good that you wrote in, M.. You do need some emotional support on this situation. We are here for you, too!

Good Luck!

:o) N.

I also think your daughter is not old enough for a pet. She has already had to adjust to a new brother and is contending with her own growing up process. In 3 or 4 years she will be more emotionally mature and more capable of empathizing with the pet. She will also be able to appreciate a pet's capacity for unconditional love and acceptance and be able to treat the animal well. All those pictures you see of cute kids playing with and dressing up their pets in doll clothes are fantasies from an artists "what if" imagination. Find the kittens a nice home and let your daughter (and son)grow up a little.

I hate to say it, but I think you should get rid of the cats. It is clear that your daughter is not ready for a pet and the poor cats are suffering. They are animals and will only put up with so much. I would suggest finding them a new home before they decide to fight back!

Hi M. -
We did not, fortunately, have the same exact experience with our children. However, there's been a lot of sibling rivalry between our girls (who are 2 years apart)with our older daughter torturing our younger daughter, even as early as when the younger was just a few months old. After going thru my own experience, as well as talking to other moms re: similar experiences to yours, I would guess that your 3-year old is actually torturing your kittens in place of her younger sibling. Kids, even if very sweet, get VERY JEALOUS of younger siblings--jealousy is a very powerful emotion which can turn little angels into temporary monsters. My suggestion is that you and your husband take turns giving your 3-year old as much extra attention as possible. I know it's hard to give a lot of extra attention when you have a baby, but if you could squeeze in even an extra 5 - 10 minutes here and there during the day (and evening, if/when your husband gets home) when the baby is asleep or otherwise safe & occupied, I think you'll find an improvement in your 3-year old's behavior towards the kittens within a week or so. Good luck! N. p.s. - your daughter may also be jealous of the kittens too if you and/or your husband coo a lot over them too--after all, kittens are cute, so maybe she's feeling that even more of the spotlight is no longer on her than even after the baby was born. Also, keep in mind that you can't really reason with 3-year olds, even if they are really bright.

I'm sorry, I haven't read all of the advice, but I had to express this immediately. Get new homes for the kittens before she accidentally kills one of them. She is too young for kittens! They are fragile and don't yet know how to defend themselves. I say this from experience, because I grew up on a small farm with lots of animals, and I can remember squeezing a kitten to death.

She is not too young for a pet, but I would recommend an adult dog or cat that is already socialized with children. Having her learn how to treat an animal is possible at her age, but you need an animal that can take a child with a little bit of extra zeal.

We have lots of animals with our son (almost 3yo). We had dogs, cats, rabbits and birds all before he arrived. He interacts with the dogs and is learning how to use his "kind and gentle" hands. The cat doesn't think much about him he has been scratched a few times, so he leaves the cat alone. Same goes for the rabbit. He watches the birds, but pretty much leaves them alone.

You could consider some sort of animal that is caged like a bird or hamster. This way she gets the taking care of part, but has boundaries to the interaction.

Good luck.

J.

Find the cats a new home. They are being tortured.

Is there any reason she would be so brutal with the animals? From what you say, her behavior is a little extreme, especially from a girl, even if she is only 3. Is your and your husband's parenting style somewhat on the strict/disciplinarian side? If so, I believe that could be the cause. If you model loving behavior your daughter will likely emulate that, with animals and other people.

Her behavior seems to be somewhat violent. I would really figure out what is behind it. If it's just her age, try cats again when she's 6 or 7. In the meantime, do the cats a favor and get rid of them.

I also have to disagree with Connie's perspective, this is NOT "normal". None of my kids would have done (or did - we had lots of pets) anything remotely like what you are describing. It is common for little ones to be unintentionally rough when they are loving an animal, like squeezing them too hard or maybe being a little too boisterous with them, but kicking by a three year old denotes anger, there is no other way to interpret it.

Please give your cats to a loving home. Your little girl is not ready for the responsibility and she may end up hurting or killing one of them--which is hard to come back from. There will be plenty of time later for pets.

K. Jonick
Mother of two girls

Your instincts have told you that this is not normal behavior for a child of any age, and it is time to talk to the pediatrician about this issue. I think that it is also important not to leave her with your one year old son until you are certain that he is not being sat upon, dragged or otherwise treated like the kittens. He is somewhat defenseless, and cannot verbalize if he is also being mistreated. Whatever the root of your daughter's behavior, it must be addressed quickly, and while she is young enough to be re-directed to more appropriate behaviors. If you remove the kittens from your home, what will be the next target? How did she behave, other than moodiness, prior to the kittens? Take a notebook and start writing about your daughter's behaviors, so that you have a factual record that you and your health care provider can use to determine how to help your daughter. Torturing small animals is never an acceptable behavior for any age, so please work quickly for your daughter's sake. Our prayers are with you.

Hi M.,

When you see the behavior, don't give her a lot of attention or talk, just get up right away and remove the kitten - into your room, or a room that can be closed (preferably with a litter box and some water!) off to your daughter. Simply state, "I am going to put the kittens/cats into a safe place until you can remember how we always need to take care/handle/treat them."
- Don't give her any Bigger reaction, and don't let her have the kittens, open the door, etc. If she tries - it's a time out for her. When she's kind of forgotten about things, open the door.
Repeat - same way, always until the behavior passes.

She may be getting a lot of energy, attention from what occurs around her current behavior, and although it is difficult to understand why she'd want this kind of attention..sometimes they just go for it if they can get it. The key is to keep the cats safe, not give her any attention, and encourage her that you know she can and will do the right thing soon.

Best of Luck,
A.

I hate to say this, but your daughter is too young to understand what "taking care of a pet" means. She's simply not going to get it for another 2-3 years(I type this as my 19 month old and my almost 4 year old are ganging up screaming on our 10 year old cat). It's probably best for you, and for the kittens to find them a new home (easier to find a home for kittens). Things will eventually get better as she matures. However, some thoughts? When my oldest son was born, we had four cats (ages 6-11 at that time). In the last two years, 3 of them have died. They were all up there in age (10, 11, 15), and died from cancer, or diabetes, or kidney failure (all very common in cats), but what is unclear is if the stress of the kids yelling, chasing, pulling tails, screeching at them, and generally just stressing them out contributed to their quick demises (from diagnosis to death was a matter of weeks). Our remaining cat suffers from some fancy named unrinary problem directly due from stress (vets words), and lack of water (kids prevent her from eating/drinking peacefully). We have often considered finding her (and the others when they were still with us) a new home, and when she does pass on, we intend to wait until the kids are 5-7 before getting any kittens (she's very stressed, losing weight, and having problems). Good luck making a tough decison, from a mom who has two sweet boys, and one stressed to the max kitty.

I think you should find a home for the kittens because this is just not worth the problems. I am sure you got them to be a enriching experience and it sounds like it's been misserable. What ever the reasons are for her behavior ,be it a power struggle, anger issue or lack of consistint boundries, or just bad timing ,it's better to not have a pet right now. 3 is young. Our first daughter was 5 when we got our first pet. I don't think it is typical for this behavior towards animals to be at the degree you've discribed. I experienced a little roughness at about 1 1/2 - 2 with my youngest.But even still at 3 I would never leave her unsupervised with a small animal ,not that you are ,she would just require that kind of supervision. So make your life easier and better for the kittens. Best wishes.

Hi M.. Not knowing how your daughter reacted to her new sibling, but she maybe feeling left out with a new brother and new kittens all ocurring this past year. She may see that her brother and the kittens are requiring mom and dad's attention and less time for her. It might be helpful to sit down and reinforce to her that mom and dad loves her, etc. Maybe have a special time just with her where there are no kittens or brother around... T

Kids in general are not pet ready by age 3. For the sake of the poor kittens you should find them a new home. Try again later when your daughter is a little more emotionally mature and can retain what you teach her. Pets are best for kids that are old enough to take care of them, meaning feeding and scooping poop. When they are old enough to do that, then they are ready for a pet.