My son is 3 1/2 years old & normally a very sweet child - though he can be stubborn and very independant, I think that's a general '3 year old' trait. He has recently started pinching other kids in his playgroup and I have no idea what to make of this. Since he's in a school setting the teachers are handling it when it happens, but how do we address this after the fact? We don't want him to be a pushover, but neither a bully.
I normally think that most parenting books are useless :), but my Mom is a counselor and recommended a book called Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Charles Fay that addresses some parenting tactics about such behavior. It was helpful when my son was hitting others in our playgroup. Also, there is a children's book called, Hands are Not For Hitting, by Martine Agassi. Good Luck :)
Hi, I just wanted to offer a little advice. I am a school teacher, wife and most importantly a mother. My advice is to speak with your son, about his behavior. Explain to him there is a great difference between self defense and bullying. Work with the teachers and develop a stragey in dealing with his behavior. Discuss your progress with a professional or peer group. Just think if it was your child you son was bullying how would you feel, I know you want him to be able to defend hisself; however, there must be respect established for others.
Hi J.,
I would find out if any of the other kids in the play group are pinching. My son (3 years) started hitting from pre-school and I talked to the teachers A LOT and I talked to them at different times to get each ones opinion. But I am single too, and I think that sometimes when he comes back from his fathers house he is much more aggresive because men play differently than women do. They play "physically" throwing balls in the house, you know things that we might say no to. :) All I do when my son hits i warn him that i will give him a time out, and if he keeps hitting, he gets a time out. He will cry and according to the teachers, that is good because he knows its wrong then. I also take his hands and tell him that he hands are for hugging not hitting.
Good luck, hope this helped you.
Start with a Money Jar of say $5 and let him know that he has earned this money, and on Friday if there is any left he can go to the store and get anything he can afford with his money, but everytime he hits or pinches he gets $1 or $.50 or something taken out of his jar. When you pick him up from school, if he did not hit or pinch all day, he need immediate praise and gratification by either adding extra money to his jar or giving him a sticker or matchbox car, anything special to him. If he hit or pinched when you pick him up from school. Let him know that you are not happy (calmly of course) with how he behaved today, let him know it was not appropriate and why he shouldn't do the bad behavior and that you are going to have to take money out of his jar. (You can also use stickers on a poster or color a felt board or magnets on the fridge to represent a small weekly prize). So the key is to have daily prizes for each day with no maladaptive behavior, reward weekly for good progress and maybe even a large monthly reward (going to the Museum or inside McDonalds to play or the zoo etc.). As the behaviors become fewer, you can start to take away the daily prizes and just use a lot of praise and pretty soon the behavior has disappeared and you can slowly take away the weekly and monthly prizes.
I use these techniques at my facility for adults with brain injuries. They really do work, all though they do take time. Good Luck.
