Who Is in Charge?

Hi L., boy do I feel for you. I have a 14 yr old. We had the same sort of power struggles. This sounds like the same relationship problem that I had with my son... it's really not about what your ex is doing, except that he is aiding and abetting. You son is fighting for some control over his life. Sounds like his Dad lets him do whatever he wants, why wouldn't he want to be there. Below is what worked for me.

I would suggest talking to your son and really listening. When he gets ome from school tell him that you and he need to discuss what has been happening, and ask him when would be a good time, do it whenever he is ready, but set a time ahead. When it comes to the time, ask him what has been going on that he is so mad about, or tell me what happened, or something like that. The point of this is to listen to him. you are only to ask questions to get him talking. Take notes if you have to. Then when he is done, tell him, you have some good points, I can appreciate your frustration, I would like some time to consider what you have said, then set another appointment to discuss the solutions, and ask him to come up with some solutions. Make sure that when you come back to the table, you have a specific list of the reasons for the restrictions, and make him responsible for helping to be solve the problems.

This is a tough one. Ever watch the old, old movie called: The Yearling? It is a good one. The mom got to be the bad guy at the beginning, but in the end she was honored as the one who really loved her son. My prayers go with you and your family.

This whole game your son is playing is just like my hubby's kids play between him and his ex, the only thing is they have joint physical custody. Well since you have full custody all you have to do is get all your paper work together saying you have full custody and go get your son with a cop. Your ex can say all he wants about how you guys have been doing, but they go by what is on paper. The only thing I can say about the games it won't stop until your ex puts his foot down about the games being played. Your ex seems to be playing the games right along with your son to get him to like him better. As long as your ex continues to do so your son will use it to his advantage. Good Luck

L.,

Kim N. said everything I was going to say, so I'm not going to repeat it all. Stand strong against your son and your ex. It's hard and exhausting but it truly is the best thing for both your son and yourself, not to mention your other children.

The one thing I did want to add was that I sold cars and moved through most of the management positions during the 13 years I worked in a dealership (sales, finance, leasing, fleet, office) and even on the early nights, it's a late night. I'm sure at the earliest, your ex doesn't get home until about 6:30 so I'm surprised you gave in to the two nights a week. It's not surprising though that his grades have gone down. With arrival time being late... the wind down from work time... dinner... television or play time with dad... and a step mom that doesnt want to get involved... are all things that are red flags where lack of homework time is concerned.

I would definitely stop the weeknights. I doubt he's getting the dad or life there you are hoping he is. My grandfather was in the car business, my father, my best friend and his father, my brother, and myself.

I wish you all the luck, blessing, and good thoughts in the world. If you want to talk or ever need advice or a question answered or something confirmed that doesn't sound right where your ex's profession is concerned, please feel free to contact me.

L.

honey, i would call the cops on him. i'm sorry but i would. just to let him know that you mean buisness and i would take every phone out of the house and keep it in your car. i was in the military and i don't believe in disrespecting your parents. and as far as your ex goes, i would go back to only letting your child go over there on the weekends that he's suppost to go. enough of misses nice gal. that's my opinion and it is a little harsh, but don't mess w/a momma.

you sound very busy, and very loving. please please please love your son through this, he will be ok and so will you. i hate to say it but sounds like the dad may be playing the good guy, but why? is he insecure about "losing" his son, if only figuratively? maybe they both just need a little reassuring, and definitely boundaries. your ex needs to realize that that playing favorites could do some long-term damage to your and his son's behavior and could affect his emotional, maybe even physical, freedom someday. please try not to blame or point fingers, dad might get defensive. find a way to work together toward your and his son's best interests as a human being that you both want to be a productive member of society someday. you can do it! i will pray for you and your family. you are all worthy.

Hi L.,
Boys at this age can be tough. I have a 13 year old boy and up until recently lived with dad for the last few years. He had been allowed to do as he pleased. My first suggestion would be to try and talk to your ex. Explain to him that at this point your son is having some issues and that you are working really hard to correct them. See if you can get him to help or at least be supportive of how you run your household and the rules you have set for your son. If dad doesn't want to help or be supportive then remind him that according to the custody papers that he is only to see him on his weekends. Also maybe you could talk to the school and see if they would cooperate with you on this matter. Explain your situation. Maybe somehow they can intervene. I have found that the school system will usually try to help parents if it is for the benefit of your child.
Also I know that this will probably sound childish, but maybe you could work out a rewards system with your son. For eveytime he follows your direction and does what he is suppose to do. For instance, if he does his school work with no hassel, or goes home after school as he is instructed to do instead of calling dad, then you give him so many points each day and at the end of the week he can use them for something that you know he would like to do or something he wants. You could give him say 3 or 4 points each day. Maybe you could also throw in ways he could make bonus points on some of his days. The whole point of this is to eventually get rid of the behavior you don't want and replace it with the behavior you do want. Also keep in mind that praise for even the smallest things that he does work wonders, even for a 12 year old. I am using this method with my son and it is working great. Of course on the days he doesn't do so well (and this is your choice) you either don't reward points or give only 1 or 2. And just simply tell him that maybe tomorrow he can earn some points. I know this sounds really juvenile, but it is working for me.
Hang in there, things will get better, and good luck with everything.
L.

Maybe you ought to let the school know about the every other week thing, and then give them your x husband's work number to cal if there is a problem. If he wants to cause the problems, he can deal with the consquences.

L.,
I understand you're at your wits end. But I don't think your ex is doing anything wrong. He may be passively trying to convey to your son that he can't just come running over whenever he likes because dad's got responsibilities too. As do you. Maybe it would help if dad sat down and firmly explained this. You two have to be on the same page, because you're both in positions of employment with responsibilities.
It sounds like your son feels really lost here. Ask at his school if they can recommend a counselor to help your son sort out his frustrations. Because one day the cops will pick him up, which will scare the snot out of him, and if it goes unresolved he may find himself in one of those juvenile boot camps. Not a bed of roses, but effective. Find some means of tough love.

If you have full phsyical custody of him then you can demand he come home or call the cops and have them pick up your son from your ex. The cops will need to see your divorce decree verifying you have sole physical custody but it will make your point very clear. Make sure you have your ducks in a row and if it comes down to it you can have supervised visitation if needed. Your son is at an age where he is going to push the limits and see what he can get away with. Now is the time to stand strong and don't give in. Your son will thank you in the long run for making sure his grades stay up and the work gets done. It'll be a slap in the face to realize the real world won't give in to his whims and daddy won't always be there to cover for him. Also, document everything that's happening for Friend of the Court in case your ex takes you to court for more parenting time. Document the visitation arrangements you've been willing to provide and document your son's behavior and school progress to be able to show a case worker if it comes down to it. You've been more than accomodating and your son is not living up to the agreement. Cut the strings and nip the problem in the bud. Good luck - S.

Your son is in control! He is playing the guilt game with you and dad and winning. If you and dad don't get together and set up one set of rules and stick to them you are in trouble and so is your son. If dad won't get on board then put your foot down and limit how much they see eachother. Hopefully dad and son will change in order to spend more time together, but until then- you have to say no and stick to it. Imagine your son doing this at 17 years old while his life and future go spiraling down the tubes. Stop it now or that is his future.

First of all Im sorry you got such hateful advice from people like Hazel! One should take their own inventory before firing off at another!

Anyway, you are not going to avoid being the bad guy here...voice of experience speaking. You HAVE to enforce scheduling, consequences and the way real life works to your son. I was the bad guy until my son figured out what reality looked like. I, personally applaud you for trying to help your son nurture a positive relationship with his father. That's not easy! Life is full of consequences and success at school is not optional, therefore, academic progress is mandatory! We were in the same position except that I couldn't dictate when the week to week stopped. I was stuck in it for a year or so. You may just have to suck it up and make peace with yourself being the bad guy while you put your foot down and enforce your custody order. Giving in a little sends a mixed message to your son, so make it very black and white...good grades or stay home!! NO EXCEPTIONS. It would be great if you could get your ex to stand behind you, that would send the best message to your son, but you may not be able to do that. Trust me, your son WILL see things much more clearly as he gets older...I promise! Meantime, be firm and confident that you are doing the best thing you can by making school a priority!

~L.

While I don't have the issue of ex's with my kids, while I was reading you post I had a few thoughts.You have probibly thought of them all already, so just know this is to encourage you also. :-)
Yes, the Bio dad is trying to be the friend. And after saying that it means that you are the enforcer. A potition no parent chooses to be in typically.
#1. Have you spoken to the father to let him know what the ground rules are? Things like YOU preapproving (before the action) your son being picked... Since you do have full custody you are resposible for his care and safety... You need to know where he is and with whom...
#2. You have full custody. With not knowing the agreement of your custody case, Use that as your bad guy... "No, the agreement was that you go to your dads these times, I know you've been seeing him more, But, YOU let your grades slip...

When he rebels and says things like I don't like you, I hate this etc, respond with I know you don't like the situation you've put YOURSELF in and you can change it by ..... By him hearing that HE has control over it (It will probibly take a bunch of times)it might click that HE needs to resolve it.

NEVER yell when talking to the child about this. Otherwise you will come off as the crazy one since "dad" is so calm and understanding about it.
It should be in bio dads best intrest to make sure his child gets good grades and In a perfect world he'd back you up and say i'll pick you up, but i'm taking you to your moms. Maybe (not knowing the dynamics of the situation ) having a sit down "meeting" with all the partys. Child, biological parents, and steps. That way an agreement can be worked out between the parents and told to the child. He is a child. So his vote doesn't over ride the adults. You know the personalities involved and amount of involvement the steps want to have. Maybe the parents get together before telling the child the new rules, Together so the child sees you as a united front and not opposing walls to bounce off of.

In a tough situation answers are tough. You seem like a strong woman/ mom and are trying to do the best you can. When he gets older your son will look back and love you more for putting your foot down. You have my prayers for guidance in this situation.

Hi L.,
If I am reading your request right it is your son's fault that he can't go to his dad's anymore. I think that you are doing the right thing. You aren't letting him go over there to spite the father, his grades were slipping. Until summer I would let him go over there only on weekends. You should talk to the dad and make sure that he understands that also. Ask the dad to start helping with homework and displine when he is there. They need to earn the right again. Do you have a court order on custody? If you do I would threaten the dad with it. He doesn't have a right to pick him up whenever he wants. I'm sorry you have to be in this situation. It will only get worse if you don't address it now. Good luck.
Chris

Tough situation! I would put your foot down immediately for the behavior of them picking up your child without you knowing. If you have to get the courts involved and stick to the original agreement then do so. You have to take charge even when you dont want to. You cant always make your child happy! Good luck!~~

Hi L.,
I know in the State of Michigan a child of 12 years can choose what parent they can live with. Ask him in front of his dad, who would like to live with. But make sure he understands that there will be no hurt feelings with whom he picks.

If he does pick his Dad, let him know he is welcome under your roof but the house rules stand.If Dad doesn't agree to letting him move in on a permanent basis he will know who does have his best interest at heart. He will have some feelings to do deal with no matter which way this turns out.

I think that you need to sit down with your ex and have a little chat. Both your son and your ex need to understand that the extra visitation is a priveledge and not a right. Your ex needs to understand that he cannot lie and disresepect you-especially in front of your children. He needs to be held accountable for his actions (just like your children) and he needs to know he will lose his priveledges if he can't follow your friendly agreement.

Your son is at an age where he is probably looking for a little privacy. Does he have a place where he can go and be by himself? I know you mentioned that you have 5 children and run a daycare out of your home. Talk to your son.

I was your son about 20 years ago and my Mom always did a great job in keeping her personal feelings about my dad hidden. Now as an adult I respect my Mom for the way that she handled all those tough situations. While I still have a good relationship with my dad and step-mom, it is not nearly as wonderful as the relationship I share with my Mom. Your husband's character flaws will become apparent to your son soon enough. It is best to let him discover them on his own.

L.,

While I realize that these situations are never easy, in my opinion, you need to show your 12 yr old who is boss. He needs to learn that what you say goes, and this is not a democracy, it's a dictatorship (in a sense). You make the decisions that you feel are best. It sounds to me that your Ex is trying to be your son's 'friend' vs. a Parent. This never works -- you can't be both - you need to be a Parent first and you be his friend later (when he's older and grown and on his own).

First thing I would do is call my Ex and tell him that he needs to bring him home and stay out of it - this situation is between you and your son. If he refuses, tell him the next step you will take will be to involve the police and have a copy of your Divorce Decree & Custody agreement in hand. (It sounds like from your post that you just agreed to this and it was not formally changed through the court). You will have to go to his house, but the Police will show up and force him to turn your son over. It may sound harsh, but your Ex needs to learn that he can't 'rescue' the kids just because they don't like something you've done. He also needs to learn that HE has to follow the rules and it will be good for both your Ex and your Son to learn that they have to follow the rules & laws - they can't just do what they want.
If his agreeable and will bring him back, then I would have a conversation with him and let him know that you don't appreciate his behavior and actions, remind him that this verbal agreement was a privilege and it's no longer going to happen, remind him that your son's grades are slipping and this is why it's going back to the original arrangement, and the next time your son calls him and he decides to play the 'rescuer', you'll involve the police.

Once you have your son, I'd sit him down and tell him these things: 1) remind him of your agreement and the reason why you said he could only go there on weekends. 2) Tell him that while you understand that he wants to spend time with his dad, the arrangements was not working out, his grades were slipping - and until he takes responsibility for himself and his grades - he will only see his Dad on the designated weekends. Let him know that he does have a way to change the situation - but that along with getting older means taking responsibility for himself and his education and beginning to learn to act like an adult. 3) Tell him that under no circumstance is he to call his dad to pick him up from school w/out discussing it first with you. Let him no the consequences of him doing this and what will happen. He can call his Dad to talk with him anytime, but this is clearly unacceptable. 4) Lastly, Let him know that due to his behavior and his actions, what the consequences of his actions are. Take away privileges, ground him, whatever you do for discipline with him.

You son isn't going to like any of this. He'll see you as the bad guy. But it'll pass. The most important thing in all of this is let him know that you love him, but he needs to learn who is boss.

He's testing you too - to see what your reaction will be. So stand firm, and don't allow this to just slide by. Otherwise, you'll have even more problems (and possibly worse) in the future.

--K.

you need to stay firm with your rules...and if dad doesnt go with it and takes your son you will have to call police since he doesnt have the legal right to do so.....i know it wont be easy but stand firm

M.

I have a almost 12yr old and I know how they play you and go around you if they dont get there own way. This is only my opionon. You have full custody, there should be no more two days a week or one week here and one week at his dads home.
Keep it the way you had it before every other weekend, its the same routine every time. His school work comes first also talk with the Ex Husband to see if he can call more to talk to your son so that he does'nt feel hes feeling abondoned by his dad. There might be resentment issues towards you because he loves his dad and seems to be seeking something from him.
There defintly needs to be more communication between you and the ex husband. Keep him on a consistant routine of seeing his dad. The ex cannot just pick him up from school with out you knowing and not bring him back. Honestly, you could of called the cops, but you are doing the best not to stir up more drama for your son. Be firm,Pray to God for guidence and to give you wisdom.

You are in Charge, make sure your son and ex understand that. :0)

I hope this helps.

T.

First an formost you are the one with full custody. If you did not go to the courts and have that every other week put in your papers and its just a verbal agreement then you have every right to go and get your son from him.I know that it is hard but you have to make your son understand that you love him and that is why you are doing this. I have similar issues with my daughter. She did not come home from school one time and I took the police with me( for other issues) and retrieved(if that is how you want to put it) my daughter. She was livid at me for a few days but she eventually got over it. She asks me to go over there now and I hardly ever say no but it is always on my time not hers or my ex. You need to also call your friend of the court and have a mediation with your ex to discuss this issue. He should be told that he needs to follow court orders. He could get in really big trouble for that.
Its always hard with children and divorce. They will eventually understand. I hope that this helps you.

Your situation is similar to mine. But I will let you know that you have got to get tough with your son and his father. Your son has got to understand that what goes on in your house stays at your house. And he cannot call the dad whenever things don't go his way. Has the father ever suggested letting him live with him? Maybe this summer you should try it. And he may realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. Children need discipline and structure. Even animals discipline their young. I think that your son is old enough for you and the father to sit down with him and voice your expectations. But you have got to make the father understand the importance of his education. Does dad ever get calls from the school? Maybe you should have the school contact dad. And he will see how frustrating it is to constantly recieve personal calls on his job and having to miss work and do to the school for simple things that can be mamaged at home. We always want to raise our children to our liking. But we have to be realistic and raise our children for the world after all they are going to end up in the world and you have to aske the son and the father what kind of adult do you want to be or raise? There is a saying that you reap what you sow and if you sow nothing you reap nothing. Same thing goes for raising children. You get out of your children what you put into them. And dad is just being used and this behavior will continue through to adulthood. Don't you feel bad about the decisions you make for your son. It sounds like you really care about your young teenagers well being. In the end he will always have more respect for you because you genuinlly care about what is good for him, not for what he wants. If you took this issue before the friend of the court they would support you. I support your efforts. Good luck and remember it takes a village to raise a child. Look into your villiage, who is able to help you?