What Is Average Behavior for a 15Year Old?

L. -
My cousin once told me that one morning our children wake up and come down to breakfast and they are not even human any more. Then 3 or 4 years later they wake up and come down to breakfast and they're back! Hang in there!

I have explained to my three children (2 girls-21 & 16 & 1 boy-19) that I understand they are trying to grow into young adults and are trying to assert themselves, but they still have to be repectful of me and their father. Seems the rebellion was directed at me more than dad. I believe as mothers we take things to heart more, this has been confirmed by my husband. They know deep down we're still going to love them no matter how hurtful they are to us. Reassure him that you love him too much to cave in to his rebellion, that you don't want to fight and that you are alwys there for him. Try not to argue back (you will not suceed all the time!) and force him to put his feelings into words, dig deep. One of my favorite sayings is, "Communication, it's a good thing!" My kids hated it, now they just laugh and roll their eyes at me, but we talk and we laugh and we even cry sometimes.

Be patient, it won't last forever and there is a wonderful relationship waiting on the other side for you both!

Blessing!
R. CD(DONA)
from heaven to earth

May be your son has Oppositional Defiant Disorder otherwise known as "ODD". This is where they just do not have respect for adult figures. Have any of his teachers complained about his back talking? Everything turns into an argument with them. I know my 15 year old is TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Something as simple as telling him to clean his room, he has a thousand excuses why he has not done it. When the reality is don't talk back and do what you were asked to do. My son has been put out of school because of his lack of respect for teachers and including the principle. I am forced to home school him. Unfortunately, their is not a magic pill available to control this behavior. The only thing available is counseling. Look up ODD, it is very informative. Good luck!!

Dear L.,
I too had problems with my son, almost identical to yours, but he was an only child, and grew up in Colorado Springs. Once he hit High School, it was like my son was replaced with someone I know longer knew. He is now twenty, finished college, works full time and travels the United States doing a job he loves.As a single mom, I didn't have anyone for him to "fall back on" but I did exactly like you are doing. I constantly told him his behavior was unacceptable to me, and I would not be treated like one of his friends at school. Consequences were they key and being consistant. He involved himself in after school clubs, and he was not allowed to attend if he was disrespectful, or didn't do his chores. I was very consistant, although it aggravated me to no end, but I never let him know that. I always enforced the saying "it's your actions that entitle you to have privledges." If he doesn't do his chores there were no trips to the mall, or out with friends, and little by little he realized if I do this and that, and do it right, I can earn time with my friends. One thing not in your favor is the move to a new city, especially at that age. Trying to fit in with a new group of peers, at the same time trying to figure out if hes a man or a boy, was difficult. My backround is in law enforcement, and your situation is not uncommon. Just try not to give in to his emotions and backtalk, let him know it's not acceptable to you and what he does determines his path. If he can't be a responsible teenager at home, how can you ever think he will be outside of the home. Again, these are just some things that worked for me and mine. Maybe you and your husband can come to some agreement and make sure you have a united effort on the consequences. Many times I've been on calls where the kids pit the parents against one another, and right now no matter what your relationship with your son, he needs his fathers positve influence and possibly advice. I don't know if any of this helps! If I can be of any further help you can reach me at ____@____.com GOOD LUCK!!!

D.

L.,
I think sometimes we get so wrapped up into our own lives, (job, bills, boss, home situations) that we forget that our kids our going through their own stuff too. I thought when my daughter turned 15 she would be able to handle her own problems, what I should have remembered was she was still a kid. I thought because she was older she didn’t need me anymore, but the truth is they do, even when they say they don’t. They are just not so good at telling us what they need and usually just get angry at everything.
At the time I was a single parent so I talked to my mother about what was going on, which sounds just like what you are going through. She said I needed to stop and put myself in her shoes, take some time out just for her and me, go to a movie or out to dinner. I have to tell you that at first she was still rebellious, ok just pissed off at everything I tried, but the more I worked on spending time with her the more she opened up. She even started to bring up her grades up and actually did chores on occasion without a fight. She is 21 now and still tells me she was glad we spent the time together.

Hi L.,
I think if I were you I would ask my Husband to be the strong arm in this situation. Young men need their Fathers in their teen years. They emulate their Father their whole lives, so, ask their Father to step it up a notch.
Hope this helps,
Peace, T.

I have a very good 16 year old son. We do have to monitor his schoolwork closer than we did with his older sisters. Our district is set up to do that online so every couple of weeks we try to get on and check if he has missing assignments. (The actual done-at-school stuff he does fine with.)

He does get asked to help out quite a bit around home and usually does actually help. He is NOT one to remember on his own and likes to put it off until the last minute, but usually eventually after reminders he gets it done without lip or attitude.

I do think there seems to be a connection between his self-esteem and attitude. When he is not making good choices and is feeling bad about himself, or trying to keep us from finding out about a mistake he has made. He is more likely to retreat to his bedroom, complain about what he is asked to do, stomp around the house, etc.

I am lucky that he is fairly open with me most of the time and if I try to catch him at a relaxed, unpressured moment and ask him non-accusatorily how things are going and has this particular occasionally recurring problem showed up again he'll usually discuss it with me. Frequently this apparently helps him feel forgiven or at least freed from the burden of trying to hide it from me.

Generally he does not start the conversation, or volunteer the information on his own, so I have to remember to watch for the opportunity and ASK. And, if he DOES start telling me about something that happened at school, or what he did while he was hanging out with his friends this weekend, or how he felt when the girl he was seeing started seeing someone else (something I didn't even realize had happened until a couple months after the fact)... If he DOES start talking, I try to make sure and pay attention. I figure if I can't be bothered to listen to what routine stuff happened at school today, why should he trust me to listen to what really matters?

He does have a job and his dad will use that as a bargaining chip: If you want us to let you keep that job, you better keep your grades up, etc.

L.,
There is no average. I have raised two boys, and experienced much of the same, but temporarily. I figured out that with my boys it was a matter of the way I talked to them. Not that I was being rude or disrespectful. I just still saw them as my 'kids'. (still do atually!) So I tended to talk down a little even when I didn't realize it. So I sat down with my boys and we established mutual expectations for how to treat each other and it made an amazing difference. I am not a believer that 'teens will be teens'. I actually think they are very fun and enjoyed every minute of it.
Something else I did was had them listen to the teen version of 'The Seven Healthy Habits'. They acted like it was a pain, but I noticed behavior changes.
Good Luck!
J.

L.,
Hi sounds like we may have the same son, mine is 15 also and everthing you describe sounds like you are describing my son. I'm starting to think it may be an age thing, trying to assert himself as a man. Just keep on doing what your doing. I think at least I hope this will pass. Oh and maybe this will make you feel alittle bit better, I heard girls are alot worse.
Good Luck
M.