How can we help her be more assertive, without dampening her zest?
My son has sole custody, granddaughter has been with my wife and I, since she was 8 Mos.
old. She has always been of strong character, other than the everyday occurrences nothing
extra ordinary happening. She goes to private Catholic school. Her very strong will and wanting to always be right, makes it hard for her to have friends. For mother issue she has been to a good psychiatrist. My wife is also of very strong, but controlled temperament.
I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing, and if she is argumentative, meaning, she speaks up for herself, isn't that being assertive? I think as long as she is allowed to express herself, you listen to each other, and can have a good debate, while respecting each other and still making the rules since you're her guardians, you will allow her to develop self-confidence and assertiveness.
I would think that being argumentative means she's already pretty assertive.
In what situations do you think she needs to be more assertive?
You need to choose your battles.
Let go of things that aren't important (this varies quite a bit from family to family) like fighting over her wanting to dye her hair pink for instance.
Once you establish what is important - don't waffle on it.
Our son went through a stage (he was a bit younger than your granddaughter at the time) when he'd ask over and over for something hoping for a different answer.
After awhile I asked him how many times he needed to hear 'No' before he believed it.
He eventually learned that I meant what I said after saying it once.
Kids need and crave boundaries even if they push against them sometimes.
Praise her for good/cooperative behavior - positive reinforcement helps them see that not everything is one battle after another.
Get to know what her currency is and if she goes off the rails don't be afraid to take it away for an appropriate amount of time.
The punishment must fit the crime.
She has to be able to get back into your good graces again.
Never issue an ultimatum that you are not prepared to follow through with.
"You are never watching tv again" isn't realistic and no one would take a threat like that seriously.
One major difference between raising your granddaughter now and when you raised your kids is technology has changed a lot.
We didn't deal with social media when we were growing up.
Be vigilant with monitoring her devices - she should know up front that she should not expect privacy on any of them - just knowing that can help keep her away from a world of trouble.
I suggest that you read "how to talk so teens will listen, and how to listen so that teens will talk." It has some good suggestions (I thought) on how to let kids know that you've heard them, you understand their point of view, but you still make the rules. I got the book from my local library - it's been out a long time, so it's not hard to find. I know she's not a teen yet, but close enough that I'd go with the teen version of the book and not the kid version.
Here is the amazon link for it, so you can see what it's about, but as I said, I'm sure you could also find it at your local library for free: https://www.amazon.com/Teens-Listen-Adele-Faber-2006-07-2...
As others have said, more details would be helpful, for example, when you say your wife is also strong, what does that look like? What do you mean by "assertive"? What is your relationship like with your granddaughter? Does your granddaughter not have any friends? What's her attitude about things? Does she think she has a problem or does she think everyone else has a problem?
In general, I appreciate your interest in not dampening her zest. The best way to do that, I think, is to support her interests and feelings, even when you don't agree with her, but help her think about other people too. For example, if she thinks she is right about something, you can appreciate her point, but ask her if she sees that arguing the point might be pushing people away from her. Sometimes it is less important to be right than to be kind.
It's a difficult balance, standing up for yourself, your views and your ideas without coming across as angry or hot-headed. I had the opposite problem. I was SO passive growing up, it wasn't even funny! I would always get stepped on and walked all over. I could never stand up for myself.
It's easier said than done, and best often learned through experience. Sounds silly, but this could me my experience working in theater and a degree in communications talking here, but ROLEPLAY. It's often not what you say, but how you say it. Certain situations are difficult, even as an adult. Roleplay, roleplay, roleplay. Actions, words, intonation, etc. It all matters when you communicate with others.
Look at the politicians on television. No one specific, just in general. There are many of them who get their points across well, and others who fumble and get angry and talk in circles. Like I said, it is NOT easy to communicate. Especially at 11! So many kids are so childish and silly, and others mature. It's also a hard age group too, usually late elementary/first year middle school and things are hard when it comes to routine and making new friends.
Like others said, try and think about why she is argumentative and take it from there. It's okay to be opinionated and vocal, but you have to do it the right way. It gets easier as you age, as you probably know. But telling her that now may go over her head.
Best of luck!
Argumentative to me means angry. Assertive means confidence.
She can express her views - is she not being respectful? Not sure I understand.
ETA she sounds assertive to me. It sounds more like she doesn't know how to get along with others and is lacking some social skills. Be a good friend to have friends. If she's angry and has to be right - she's pushing away friends. Listen, be fair .. starts at home. Are there consequences at home for when she's out of line? Model appropriate conflict resolution.
I agree with Natalie. She sums it up really well.
Welcome to mamapedia, J..
Your question is VERY vague - no examples of her behavior to really help you out.
I wonder - is she a red-head? LOL!! I know red-heads can be a handful!
How does she "argue" with you? what is YOUR response back?
You need to lead by example. When she starts arguing with you over something, you need to ask her what her point is. What is her problem, exactly? Then work through it together. Tell her she isn't going to win anyone over by constantly arguing with people and trying to be right all the time.
is she argumentative (which indicates authority and anger issues) or assertive (which indicates a strong will and ability to draw clear boundaries)?
i appreciate that you don't want to dampen her zest. good for you for appreciating the strength and determination that will serve her well in her life.
i find that the best way to prevent digging in and pushing back is to give very little to resist in the first place. but it requires a degree of pre-planning your conversations. oppositional natures tend to react negatively right out of the gate to being ordered around. so a good start is simply to frame your demands as requests or suggestions.
that doesn't mean you don't have absolutes, and that's where nuance and knowing your granddaughter come into play. but even with absolutes, you can frame them so that she has a say in the matter.
you don't always have time for lengthy conversations, so do try to allow for them when you do have time. if her pushback is about what to wear to school, take the time to ask her what she wants to wear, and why. give her short clear reasons as to why you are taking a stand for your pov. let her respond. find places to meet her halfway.
if she pushes back on screen time, ask her what she thinks is reasonable. let her know your concerns (without burying her in explanations). ask her what she thinks a valid consequence is to infractions. let her pick her solutions to problems. let her pick the consequences (when she's being sensible about it.)
giving her incremental freedoms to make decisions on her own behalf will both take some of the pressure off you, and let your strong-willed girl start to learn about and take responsibility for her own decisions.
good luck!
khairete
S.
Can you tell us more? How long has she been with you? Is she in the midst of a big adjustment after some traumatic or stressful event (such as a parent's death or incarceration)? Is she new to your home, your town, her school? Has she always been strong-willed or is this a sort of rebellion based on changed circumstances? Have you done anything so far, like had her working with a therapist?
What have you tried in terms of a discipline philosophy? What has worked, what hasn't? If you can edit your question to provide more details, it would be much more helpful.
She is 11, so she can be reasoned with a little bit. She seems to be a “right fighter” - she needs to be right. Next time she gets into it with one of her friends, I’d ask her - Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Do you want to be right or do you want to have friends? You can assert yourself, but it’s ok to not be right all the time. People want to be your friend, but they don’t want to debate every little thing... maybe you try to let one of your friends be right today? See how that goes. You can have an opinion, but not everyone needs to agree with you.
