Teaching Little Ones About Emotions Vs. Behavior

If you generally treat her like you love her (which I think you do), she will always understand that you love her. Don't worry about that.

That was probably too much conversation for a three year old. You probably could have cut it short by just agreeing with her when she said "It's not okay to get mad. I don't like it when you get mad." You should have just said - "You're right. It's not okay to get mad - even for me." And gone back to reading the book.

Mirroring feelings tends to keep things short and sweet.

At this age, 'emotions' are not even fully developed yet, nor do they have 100% understanding about the abstractness and innuendos of it.

Emotions, are how they feel.
Behavior, is how they act it out.

So, you teach them coping-skills AND problem-solving skills.
BECAUSE, that is what helps a person, child or adult, to handle life's emotions and frustrations.
This is a learned "skill." It is taught.
Some adults do not even have these skills and they don't 'behave' either when upset.

I taught my kids these things from 2 years old.
It takes time.
Like a rock collecting moss.
But from when my son was 3 years old for example, he could verbalize his feelings/emotions. He KNEW the difference between him feeling "upset" or "frustrated" or "irritated" for example. And, he then would tell us, what would help or not. Or, we would give him ideas about how to cope.

I ALSO, always tell my kids, that it is OKAY to say how they feel- good or bad. Mommy loves them. I teach them HOW to say their feelings. And that even adults get happy or sad or grumpy feelings. Its okay. But we always try our best... to say it nicely. Even if we don't feel nice.
The MAIN thing is, that they KNOW they can tell me how they feel. Then we will help each other.
It is NOT about, how much love a person gets or not.

I tell my kids to use their WORDS, not their fists.

Ug. I really did have an issue with getting aggravated, and then get to deal with all the lovely mom-guilt of yelling or walking out. I did go to Love & Logic class and also got a couple of the books for my children's age, and it made a HUGE difference! My husband was skeptical, but he saw the change in me AND my son so much so that he sat me down with the workbook and we went over it together and discussed it, and he's started doing the same thing also. It helps to have that mindset of saying, "I know that you want to play with the book but it is not play TIME. It is bed TIME. If you want me to read the book, stop doing that and let me read. If you do it again, I will just kiss you goodnight and you can go to bed. It is your choice". Then if it becomes an issue, you just say "Aww, that is so sad. I know you want me to read, but you are not making the right choice". And leave without getting angry. HOWEVER, this is an all the time thing with us. It is SO much better than it's been before (for all of us). I know it may sound stupid, but having that script in mind ahead of time helps me not get frustrated or angry. Instead of having my emotions build up as I fight over something stupid, I just say "this is what is going to happen" and know that it will, and that helps me not get upset, which helps me teach and model the behavior I want my kids to pick up from me, and helps them understand that everything has a consequence, good or bad.
Sometimes I get mad and yell instead (usually when really tired myself)...I'm better but not perfect.
But one thing I am big on is apologizing. If (when) I mess up and yell out of frustration, I will calm myself and come back and say something like "Ok, when I yelled, I was feeling like __ because __. It is ok to feel that way. But it is not ok to yell (or whatever), and I am sorry." I believe it's important to show that parents have feelings too, and that feelings have reasons, but that even parents make mistakes and we need to say sorry too. If she's concerned with how she behaved, that is really good. Then you can say "I understand that you felt mad. But how do you think you should have handled it in this situation?" and it becomes a teaching opportunity. Of course you love her! You're showing her love by putting your arm around her, or holding her on your lap, and your tone of voice, now that we're talking about what to do next time. She'll know that. Once you've had the talk, I would say "Ok, now it is late, and time for bed. I love you, and I know you are a good and smart girl, and tomorrow you can make a better choice and have your story". (Some would read, I wouldn't).
We started doing this at 18 months for my oldest son. We had a problem with spitting. I started introducing the words "choose" and "choice" in normal conversation like saying "would you like orange juice or milk? your choice". Or "well, here are 3 movies to watch.....you choose which one you want". He knew those words because we used them everytime we could. Then when he would spit I would say "Spitting is not nice. If you choose to spit, you are choosing to sit in time out. If you choose NOT to spit, you are choosing to play in here with us". He didn't like time out (once a friend saw him spit on the time out spot, lol) but he did figure it out. We just do that all the time. At 4, dinner is now our big issue. If he chooses to cry or not eat, that is his choice. But choosing to not eat means he has to sit there and watch us eat dessert and then go to bed afterwards. Choosing to eat his dinner and being nice at the table is choosing to have dessert with us, and playing Superhero Memory and getting a story before bed. At 3 years old, he would tell his friends and my family "good choices make good things happen, bad choices make bad things happen". This is a good age to teach those things.
And congratulations on the potty success. :)

kids at that age learn best by observation and then doing. If you want to teach her best how to control her emotions it starts with you. The better control you can have the better example she'll have. I'm far from perfect on this, but getting better every day!!

I think that at any age they can understand the difference between liking/disliking their actions vs them. Have you checked out the books Love & Logic. They have changed my life. The entire parenting phylisophy is about controling your emotions, and putting the responsibility of your childrens actions in their own hands. I think it greatly helps them understand the difference between their emotions and behavior. She will never question your love for her.

Also I think it's totally ok for you to express your emotions to her...like saying..."throwing the toy at me, makes me feel sad and angry. I understand if you feel frustrated/tired/angry/etc. why don't we talk about that and what you could do instead..." this shows you're willing to communicate to her about your emotions, you're not blaming her for the emotions, and she could feel more open to talking about her emotions instead of acting out because of them.

Check out the book "Scream Free Parenting". It has been a great help to me with our 9 year old son and our 18 year old foreign exchange son.

C. J.

I think you handled that very well. She's a challenge and you're not going to do it perfectly every time. Apologizing is modelling something important for her, and she's getting it. Hang in there with your spirited girl!

All I can say is my now 13yr old daughter told me one time, "mom I always knew you would give me a 2nd chance and I knew I could get a way with (insert issue)" Thinking back I wish I would have stuck to what I said I would do the first time and not back down. I wish I would have stayed firm but in contol. Hind sight is wonderful and fustrating. Partenting is a bit of a game, but I think your child knowing you'll do what you say is more important then a do over. Just my thouhgts. Good luck.

She's obviously already at that age. She's experiencing emotions and behavior and you need to be consistent and not cave. Watch Supernanny whenever possible because she deals with issues like bedtime, and disrespect, emotions. By saying "It's okay", was giving Carte Blanche to do it again. Set aside enough time to read a book, make it clear that disrespect and bad behavior will not be tolerated, and when the story is over it is time to close the eyes. If she keeps getting up, take her back without a single word. If she kee;ps talking from bed, ignore it.

Lol--don't know if I have an answer for you but I can so empathize with a strong willed very verbal almost 3 year old myself. It can be hard because being advanced in some areas makes me assume (incorrectly) that she can be just as advanced in others. You did the right thing by explaining the difference between disliking someone vs. their actions. My daughter has a tendency about becoming very loud, bossy and angry sounding, saying hurtful things to me, my husband, or her daycare friends in my home during transitions generally. Daycare child arrives, having to leave to go somewhere --she gets anxious, or jealous and flips out and it is taking alot of consistency to warn her ahead of these transition times that hurtful actions or words are not appropriate and that she needs to tell us what the problem is. (I'm jealous right now, I want you to hold me , Going to the store makes me nervous). When a reminder beforehand is not enough, she goes to time out and often comes out upset and contrite and I just repeatedly explain to her that when she does those things,it makes me angry or sad and that I still love her. Just keep repeating it. You are also right about the do overs though--giving to many lets her see how far see can push and still get what she wants. Hold a harder line and she'll push less--just my experience.

It sounds like you handled it just fine!