Sharing a Newborn Baby with the Fathe

Hi there. First of all, congrats on your baby and I'm sorry this man did this to you. With a newborn, you should be breastfeeding and will probably be breastfeeding every 1.5-2 hours a lot of the time without a real idea of how long you can leave him/her without him/her wanting to nurse. If you are having trouble with latching, you will not want to introduce rubber nipples (i.e. bottles of pumped breastmilk) which can exacerbate things. Please do not give your baby formula just so he/she can go see dad and his new wife for a few hours.

Frankly, I would tell him that right now you are focused on what's best for your baby and since you are nursing the baby cannot be away from you. He can see the baby while you are present or he'll have to wait a couple of months until the nursing schedule is more predictable and/or you can send the baby along with a bottle of pumped milk. Good luck and I'm sure you will do great on your own with your new babe!

I wouldn't let him take the baby overnight for a while. A new baby needs his mom at all times. The father can come visit at the beginning and as time passes and the baby get s little older he can maybe take him a few hours at a time. Overnights are out of the question for a long time. I don't know exactly what the age is but there are laws out there that give you guidelines as to how long a child should be away from their mother especially this little. When there older it's every other weekend the usual but as a newborn I don't think legally he can take him overnight. I doubt he would even want to honestly once he sees all the work that has to be done and all he is probably going to do is dump him on his new wife which you barely know. I woul seriously think about this nobody knows the whole situation but you so you need to make the final decision and remember custody and visits would be harder if he's not on the birth certificate just had to put that out there but then you are on your own as far as any financial support but you need to look at all your options he din't care enough to stay with you when he found out you were pregnant.... good luck and try to enjoy it as much as you can you need to be stress free and happy when the baby comes it is the healthiest for the two of you.

If you are breastfeeding, then pump and let your ex take the baby for a few hours a few times each week or weekend. I would wait until after the baby has started doing well with these short visits before making any firm decisions on overnights or weekends. That might take a while.

It is not selfish or inconsiderate to feel nervous or hesitant about letting a newborn be away from you for extended periods of time. I have been with my husband for 14 years and it still breaks my heart to leave for more than a few hours at a time when my daughters were really little. It's natural to feel that way whether you like your ex or not.

I do agree that the father needs to have ample time to bond and build a relationship with the baby, but it will not be 50% of the time to start out . .. this baby has been inside you for over 9months, just because it is now "out" does not mean it is ok or right for him or her to be away from you for very long.

Has he supprted you during your pregnancy? Is he helping pay for the medical bills? Does his wife want the baby in their home? These are just a few of the questions you need to take into consideration when deciding when and if the father sees the baby. It is really a personal matter and only you can answer the question you are asking. What's right for you. What are you comfortable with? Look into your heart and you will find the answer you are looking for.

I would say as soon as possible. The baby has a father and regardless of the relationship between the two of you, the baby deserves to see his/her father. The father deserves to bond with his child as the mother. It would be selfish and inconsiderate of you to think otherwise. You have to figure out a time for you but I would say ASAP. God bless you...You will figure it out =)

When I got pregnant with my first child, the father and I weren't married, but we did get married before the baby was born. After 2 years, we got divorced and he quickly remarried. To make a long story short, my ex and his new wife, put me through h*** to try get custody of my child. I have friends who have gone through the same thing in similar situations. My best friend got pregnant by a guy, but never let him know it because she felt that he would make her life and her child's life miserable if he were around, so she took care of her child herself. I know that many people feel that a child should have a father, yada yada, yada, but sometimes, it's best to not have the father around...period. If he married her so fast, I wonder if he secretly plans to try to take your child. Personally, my advice to you is this: do you really want this man and his wife in your child's life? You know that his new wife will play a key role in the upbringing of your new baby if the baby is with him, like it or not. And since "they" are married, they can always say that the child would be better off with their "family" than you, a single mom. Believe me, they can brainwash your child from the get go and cause misery for 18 years. I would think long and hard before opening up this can of worms. Yes, being a single mom can be difficult, but you can do it. True, I don't know your relationship with the dad or his new wife and I'm just a stranger who has been down that road and sharing my experience and those of other moms I know who have been in that situation. Think long and hard before you allow this man into your new life with your precious baby.

Blessings,

M.

Hi T.,
This issue seems to be less about the age of your child and more about the intent and maturity level of the baby's father. The biggest question you should ask is if he even wants to share in the parental duties as a father. If so, can he demonstrate that to you? I would suggest he prove to you his sincerity of wanting to be a father by doing common parental things such as buy milk, diapers, baby food, etc, and to visit the baby for hours at a time. When he visits, he should be willing and able to change diapers, feed the baby, hold the baby lovingly, and genuinely act the way a father should act toward his baby. Only after he can demonstrate this type of true fatherly behavior should you consider letting him care for the baby on his own without you.
I hope this helps.
Good luck!
J. G

Are you a first time mom? If you are breastfeeding, you will need the baby as much as the baby will need you. Don't let anyone force you to do anything that you don feel is BEST for the baby. Do you plan on breastfeeding? Have you inquired at your hospital about a mom's group? Do you have a good support system? Are you/do you have to return work immediately? I met some of the greatest people in the world at my hospital's mom's group and we are still friends almost 2 years later. Have you taken a birthing class? All of these programs are inexpensive and/or free and well worth participating. Some churches have mom's groups, too. Best wishes to you and your growing family.

Is he interested in paternal rights? Do he and his wife want to be a part of this baby's life or not? Either way, you need to see a lawyer first and if he will not pay child support, he can waive his paternal rights. Then you are on your own and your baby does not leave you at all.
If he is interested in being part of the baby's life you get a legal agreement for visitation and child support. I'm sure that an experienced lawyer can tell you what the norm is; I don't have any idea, but I would let my husband take care of my newborn for a few hours with no problem. Do you trust him with the baby? If you are breastfeeding I'm sure that you can postpone weekends away until the baby is weaned, but I don't know about that. Seriously, you need to start thinking about this as a legal issue and get a lawyer involved NOW. The other moms might be able to give you more idea of what is normal for visitation.
I just read the replies. My advice on getting a lawyer NOW still stands. Now is the time to ensure your legal right to your child, especially since he left you when pregnant. I would think a few hours over at your house while you are there but not necessarily hovering over them would be ok as soon as you are ok with it. Your nursing schedule if you plan to breastfeed will dictate that. Also, I would agree with the woman who said to postpone pumping and bottle feeding breast milk should wait until breastfeeding is well established, between 3 weeks and a month. And be aware that some kids fight the bottle, so you should be with the baby when the dad tries to feed until you know they will bottle feed successfully when you are not with the baby.

Personally I feel if you are going to nurse the baby - then it would be a while. But at least the baby should be 3 months at least. Also you should make sure they have all the baby will need at their house. All you should have to send the baby is a diaper bag and some clothes.

Good for you for thinking of your child here. Every child should have a relationship with both parents, and I commend you for wanting this. Are you and him still on good enouh terms where you could invite him to come over and see the baby at your place, until (s)he's big enough to go with him? As far as how old the baby should be, remember alot of women send their babies off to daycare at 6 weeks old and that's with a complete stranger, so I would think that it would be fine for daddy to have him a few hours too. As far as the weekends go, I think it all depends on how much time baby and daddy spend together, remember, he is daddy, not some baby sitter who isn't going to care about the child. Daddies are just as important as mommies(some women seem to forget that). Good luck to you.

T....I must respectfully disagree with the other moms who have posted thus far. It sounds to me that you have your own reservations about this wife, rightfully so!!!! He only knew her for four months, plus on top of that left you knowing you were pregnant? Allright, maybe a child should be allowed to bond with a father, but at this point I would say ONLY in your presence. This "man" has absolutely no right over YOUR child at this point. If after some period of time you develop a relationship with the woman and feel very comfortable leaving your baby with them, then and then alone. God Bless you and give you the strength to make the decision that is in your heart!

If this goes through an attorney for any reason, the state of Florida is a "tender years" state. That means, depending on your lawyer and the judge, the father will not be granted overnights until the child is at least 3 years of age. Had he been involved in the baby's life from day one, then yes, he would be granted overnights, but as he left before the child has been born, you are not required to allow him to see the child for more than a few hours.