How to Be Ok with a Stepmom for My One Month Old

I would be beyond pissed off too.What are you wanting her acceptance that you f***** her husband had a son with him & everything be hunky dory?Step into reality & this is how it is.I feel sorry for the baby

Sorry to be harsh, but why were you sleeping with a married man? No wonder his WIFE doesn't want you to be friends anymore with HER husband.

I dont think its just her you have to worry about. Look what kind of life you brought a child into.
Own it, and deal with it.

Really? I am STUNNED that his WIFE doesn't want you to be friends. Well doesn't that beat all?!

Shouldn't you have considered all this before you had a baby with a married man? You made this bed, now you have to lay in it. The wife is upset with her husband and cries herself to sleep. Well, yeah, I would too if I were her. But that doesn't mean she could ever hurt a newborn. In fact, you and her husband are the ones that have proven how cruel they can be, not her. Giver her a break. She's hurting right now.

You screwed her husband and got pregnant!! Her feelings are quite rational!

Sorry but if I were in her situation I would hire the best attorney I could afford and fight for full custody! You are reaping what you have sown and I have little compassion for the situation you are in.

I feel sorry for your son, he has a very irresponsible mom who is thinking only of herself and apparently has been for some time.

Oh and sorry, you will find little compassion here, a fair few of us has had husbands cheat on us. You are our worst nightmare!
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Oh and don't bother with any "clever" sniping, I long since divorced my ex. If he had knocked up one the whores he was with it would have been sooner rather than later.

A., the appropriate relationship to have with your son's father is co-parent. NOT friends. You need to set up some communication channels with your son's father so that you know how and when you will communicate about your SON only. Nothing else.

It is absolutely appropriate that one of the conditions of reconciliation is to sever all unnecessary contact/communication when one partner has been unfaithful. So, the wife of your son's father has every right to request that he alter the nature of the relationship her husband has with the woman with whom he was unfaithful and produced a son. And, if your son's father is going to continue to stay married he is very smart to do what his wife wants in this area.

He needs to STOP talking to you about how his wife is doing in regards to *getting over* the affair that he had. This is completely inappropriate. He is responsible for making sure that his son is safe around his wife and that her mental state is stable enough to be involved. But that is HIS responsibility. Not yours. I'm not sure how long ago she found out that he was having an affair... but reconciliation can take YEARS. That is how deep that kind of betrayal runs. OF COURSE that woman is a mess. She found out her husband cheated and fathered a child with another woman.

Yes... you are his only MOTHER and I disagree that she is his *mother* also, however a step-mom to a newborn is a very different relationship than a step-mom to an older child. Especially if you are sharing custody. She will absolutely play more of a parental role, I would assume. And this SHOULD be healthy for your son..... if everyone can work together regarding YOUR SON (not you and the father). Given that you chose to have a baby with a married man, you can't expect your son NOT to develop feelings of motherly-type love for this woman (and possibly even call her "mama-jane" or whatever her name is) provided she treats him well. You all will have to work that out.

I would encourage you to seek a counselor ASAP to help you work through your feelings and to help you with what is appropriate for you to expect in the future as far as these relationships are concerned.

Sorry, but you don't need to feel good about 'your' newborn being in her house. It is the child's father's house and your son will in fact grow up with two mothers and a father. Unless you were to decide to give up custody and decide it would be better for your son to be raised by one couple. Why would she have anything but negative feelings about you? You slept with her husband and then chose to have the child. Hopefully she will love the child and raise him as one of her own (like most blended families attempt to do).

ADD: Let me change my answer- sue for full custody. Get ALL the way out of this. You need help to not get involved in a mess like this again - get counseling. You need help to take care of the child because the situation you are currently in will NOT work and will F your son up big-time. Go back to your family if you can. Go to a shelter if you can't. This man is not a father figure - unless you want your son to learn how to be an abusive cheating a-hole.

ORIGINAL: I could be wrong, but this is a really f-d up situation. Considering you slept with a married man and had his baby, the wife is never going to like you, and I'm surprised that she is supportive of this arrangement. It would be nice if the child had a father in its life, but I don't see this situation ever being healthy. He is not your friend. He cheated on his wife with you. She is not your friend. You cheated with her husband on her. I really wonder if shared custody is really the best thing for the child because of the hot mess this situation is. The mediator better know all about the entire situation.

Okay, if I'm reading this right, you slept with a married man and are now upset that his WIFE will be the stepmom to your son? Yea, I'm lost.

Of course she will be the step-mom. She is the innocent party here, along with your son. Unless he was legally divorced, there was no excuse for you and him to be doing anything at all...so your bad and his bad.

Now this innocent baby is going to be involved in adult drama because two grown adults couldn't be mature enough to not hook up outside of marriage. Sorry, but my sympathies lie with his WIFE and your son.

I can't even formulate an answer for you because you are so delusional it probably wouldn't sink in anyway. You really think you have a right to be upset with her after you broke up her home the way you did? You rationalize this by saying 'she has no backbone' and she couldn't give him a son? You're a sick, destructive human being. If you're looking for sympathy, you're in the wrong place, lady. If I were that poor woman I'd fight tooth & nail for full custody of that baby so that I can regain some semblance of normal back in my life and so that YOU would go the hell away. I feel so sorry for that innocent child, and the woman whose home you ripped to shreds.

Wow... you really need to get over yourself.

The question should really be from the the other woman - "My husband banged his "friend" and made a baby, how can I be ok with THAT?"

You're making an awful lot of assumptions about the wife of your lover. She's clearly trying to make the best of a terrible situation that YOU and your lover caused when you both chose to NOT be friends and went and had a baby together. You behave as if she has no right to be upset with you or the situation, and you have so little faith that she can't separate the baby from what she feels for YOU.

The baby's father wants joint custody, not full custody. You owe it to that baby not to fight it. This poor little baby boy is already going to have an incredibly difficult life when he finds out the circumstances of his conception. Don't make things harder by fighting it. You're just going to have to trust that your lover's wife is going to make a real effort to love this baby and treat him well. You owe HER that and you owe your son that.

So get a lawyer and work it out. And you apologize to that poor woman. That woman WHO IS YOUR SON'S OTHER MOTHER.

EDIT: I just have to add... you don't ever have to be okay with your son having your lover's wife as a stepmother. It is what it is because that's what YOU made it. That's the gift you gave your child. That's the father you chose, that's the stepmother you chose.

I'm also quite shocked at those who suggested you go for sole custody, suggesting you not allow the father visitation at all. Terrible, terrible idea. That will just make you look horrible in court and the judge will end up granting the baby's father more and you less. You need to be willing to compromise. You need to bend over backwards here, because you appear completely unstable while they have the nice cushy house and are married with a family. They're the ones trying to make it work and are in counseling.

The least of your worries is whether or not your newborn will call your lover's wife mommy one day.

You slept with a married man, who sounds like a COMPLETE jerk, and now you are suffering the consequences.
It's too bad that poor baby has to suffer too.
The only advice I have is to work with the father and court as peacefully as you can, and don't ever, ever sleep with a "friend" again, especially a married one!

You really didn't think very far ahead but thats water under the bridge now.

If they are in therapy then she has a safe place to vent at the husband that promised to be faithful. She is less likely to snap. As time goes forward wounds have a chance to heal. You want this. You want them to be happy and your son to be taken care of by happy people.

You have no control over what they do. She could talk bad about you. She could be an excellent mom, especially since she has experience. She knows how to act in front of a child. You just might start to think she is a better mom than he is a dad. Because I bet she is.

Your best bet is to have restraint with him and be genuine with her. Wouldn't you like her to be very loving with the baby? So much better than turning over your child to someone that would be horrible to him. Some on this board have to do just that. I bet as much as she hates you, she will still love your child. That's your best hope.

Sorry. You weren't just friends. I have a lot of friends. I don't make babies with them. You were told in your last post, by just about everyone, to get an attorney. You made an awful bed for yourself and for your baby. You certainly knew the possible outcomes of sleeping with a married man, and you ignored that knowledge. Please don't ignore the knowledge that you've been offered here -- get an attorney and do what's best for your child, whatever that means for you. And I hope you will make better decisions in the future, for yourself and for your child.

ETA: And sorry, but you are not the ONLY mother. You have irreparably harmed her and affected her life. She is your lover's wife and the child's step mother, no matter how you feel about it. If he calls her mommy, he calls her mommy. You might not like it, but that's tough. That child is going to have a very confusing life already -- you created and his father created that -- and you would be very selfish to introduce anger into it on top of all that.

You had a baby with a man who has a wife, so she will be step mother to your child. There is no way around that. Unless you can prove them unfit the father has rights to his child. It would be great if you could all sit down and talk and learn to get along, that is what would be best for the child, but you can't force it, especially if hurts are still fresh.

I truly think dad needs to do visitation with this child for just a few hours per week until he's older. I think that this is just another slap in the face to the wife and she's having to take and take and take. She's had enough. Say no. Not until the baby is older and the wife has had more time adjusting to this situation.

She has had enough for a lifetime. She doesn't have to accept your child. She shouldn't "have" to be around your child if she doesn't want to. It sounds like, to me, that hubby is trying to make all nice and is going about it the wrong way.

I'd tell them no way this woman deserves this and visitation needs to be either supervised with dad or he needs to see the baby at a neutral place for several hours each week without his kids or wife tagging along.

Also, no way I'd agree to 50/50 custody. He's a cheat and not trustworthy. There is no guarantee he won't take off or something.

This is the situation you brought your child in to. What do you expect the man's wife to do? She HAS to bond with the baby, and being around half siblings who are calling her mommy, he probably will also.

You don't know that your home will be his "home base." His home base will be where HE feels most comfortable and I hate to break it to you, but he'll probably WANT to spend more time at dad's because there are other kids to play with. It will have nothing to do with how he feels about you; only where he has the most fun and interaction with other kids.

I doubt that the woman will "freak out" on your son. She has her own children there so she'll keep it together if for no other reason than the fact that her own kids are there.

If I were her, I would not feel the need to meet with you either. You didn't feel the need to talk to her when you were sleeping with her husband, why should she talk to you now? So you can tell her what YOU want and how YOU want things to be? She doesn't care; why should she? You didn't care about her feelings.

She WILL do whatever she has to do to be able to deal with this and that will probably include acting like you don't exist for a while.

You did the crime (the deed); now you have to do the time. This is a situation you created - don't complain about it; don't try to control it; just be part of it.

honestly if you are going to add any more drama to this sittuation you need therpay

Let his wife call the baby hers. would you rather her introduce it to people as her husbands love child? yea I'm sure that wouldnt make the baby grow up to feel awkward.

It is her husbands baby. she will be a provider for this baby when it is there. dont you want your son to feel included and not excluded. if so then she's that babies mom too.

i would put my tail between my legs if i was you and pretty much do whatever it took to become civil eventually with her. if that means you DONT communicate at all with him and if you need to therough her so be it..whatever she needs. you had a hand in wrecking their marriage, and you werent J. some girl from the bar, you knew his family and kids.

you should be doing whatever it takes to stay OUT of their life!
so dont try and control what your son eats, does or anything else at their house. J. simply drop him off and pick him up and no communication until SHE intiates it IF she ever does.

Good that you're in mediation. I suggest that you also get started with counseling so that you do have someone to talk about your feelings in this situation and get help in managing those feelings.

I agree that your baby's father should not be talking with you about his wife's difficulties. Somehow you need to form a more formal arrangement with the father. He is your son's father. You have to have a different form of friendship than you had before you became pregnant. It's difficult to let go of a lover but you both have to stop with the emotional intimacies as well as the physical ones.

If my husband were to father a child with another woman I would have difficulties with him to continue seeing the mother. I would expect to be involved in the mediation that set up boundaries and expectations for how to co-parent. I would expect to be recognized as a participant in parenting.

Your son, when he's older, will call his step-mom, mommy or some other form of mother. You can ask that he call her something different than he calls you. It's important that you son have a good relationship with his step-mother. He'll be much too young for many years to understand the complexity of relationships.

My grandson's father put in their divorce decree that he not be allowed to call a future stepfather a name related to father. When my daughter married she called her husband papa because the kids already called her mama. This worked for her daughter who had a different father. For her son it was difficult and confusing but his father enforced that rule. They've been married several years now and my grandson, on his own, is now calling his step-dad Dad some of the time. His mother has decided to ignore this but I'm feeling anxious that his father will notice and put a stop to it. This rule about what to call his step-dad is not fair to his son. My grandson lives with his mom and step-dad 5-6 days/week. Everyone around them, especially the school, call his step-dad Dad. He has the role of Dad, is closely involved with him. At 9 he's not able to understand the feelings his birth father has about this. Anyway you talk about it with him it's confusing.

You really are worrying about something that is a year or more down the line. You have many more issues to resolve before you ever get to what he's going to call his step-mom.

You have to find a way to let go of your jealous feelings towards your son's father's wife. Can you imagine how she must feel knowing that her husband has a baby with you? If so, perhaps that will help you understand and accept her better.

I would ask that she be involved in at least part of mediation meetings. Their purpose is to formulate boundaries and devise a way for you and the baby's father to co-parent. She will be closely involved. As closely involved as your baby's father. Learn how to relate with her while you have the help of the mediator.

I suggest that once you get to know her that you'll feel less anxiety about how she will care for your son.

And, what difference does it make if she acts like he's her baby? Do you run in the same social circle? Let her friends think what they want. You know you're his mother and so do your friends.

well you obviously weren't "just friends". He's obviously a horrible husband/partner, but for whatever reason steps up to be a parent.

yes, your son has a step-mom. He had a step-mom from the moment he was conceived - deal with it. You were a fling that he never intended to go anywhere, except now there's a child involved and he's trying to deal with the situation. he must think his WIFE is a good mom as it appears he'd like her to raise the child with him - not you.
You are making this situation so much more difficult for everyone concerned. what is your goal? what are you trying to accomplish? Do not talk to him about his marriage - that is none of your business.
Get a lawyer and get this straightened out. I'm willing to bet he's going after sole custody.

I would press for limited visitation with the father until the baby is much older. Are you breast-feeding? That alone can be a valid reason for limited visitation. This would give this situation time to settle down a little, maybe.

Some people can move on from hurt, and some will hold on to it forever. I've been a stepmom for 27 years and their mother still actively hates me.

Please find a therapist and get some help ASAP sorting out what drives you to engage in such self destructive behavior. Your son needs you to get it together and to no longer invite chaos into your world. He needs stability. Also, find an attorney and get your legal ducks in a row. You can do this Mama. His dad may very well end up having joint custody so it is so important that your son have at least one home in which the parent has a solid sense of who she is and what it takes to have healthy relationships.

I see red flags and I would not be "in agreement". His wife WON'T be the baby's "mom". You are the baby's mom. You had better have a good lawyer, and a job to prove that you can support this baby. This man is fixing to take the baby away from you and you'll end up paying him child support. He is just waiting for his wife to "get better" and he will sue you for sole custody. Don't think for a minute that he can't get that baby, because he can.

You detailed in your last question's SWH that you two were together while they were separated. (Doesn't make it better in my eyes, unless he was actually LEGALLY separated.) She isn't behaving as though he was legally separated. Are you sure of your facts? Perhaps he was lying to you. If she is as mean to her kids and your older child as you say she is and your older child is afraid of her, you need to send your child in to speak privately with the judge. THAT might help more than anything else to prevent her husband from getting custody.

I would also ask your family members who were harrassed by this man and heard all the talk about wanting you to have an abortion to speak on your behalf to the judge.

I would demand that the therapist have to disclose notes on her "freaking out" to the judge if this man won't back down. She should not be "mothering" this child born out of an affair. If I were you, I would not be agreeing to joint custody of a month old baby anyway. The baby needs to be with you and he should have to visit you to see the baby.

If a lawyer is telling you to do joint custody, get a different lawyer. I think you are going to be screwed.

Dawn

You made your bed, now go lie in it! You had to have known this might come up when you got pregnant with a married man's baby.

Hire the best lawyer you can find. Hopefully the judge will say you don't have to let the baby sleep at his house until he's much older.

After that, you have to accept that your "friend" and his wife will have joint custody of his son. Afterall, you slept with a MARRIED man. It's a lot different than being married to someone, then getting divorced and worrying about a potential stepmother for your child.

If it had been me, I don't think I would have even told him I was pregnant. I would have had the baby and raised him myself.

Your baby is only ONE MONTH OLD. I am not a lawyer but there is no way his wife should be co-parenting your baby with you. Your baby should be with you exclusively for the first few months to a year of his life.

You need to change this arrangement right away. Your baby needs his mommy, not some other chick. Like you said, you are the mother and the only mother. Don't allow this to happen.

She asked what you want to talk about???? RED FLAG. This is YOUR BABY. Calling her "mommy" is the least of the problems. He needs to be with you and bond with you, not be confused by this fake two mommy situation.

Normally I agree that parents should co-parent etc., but a little baby needs to be with his mother, so I disagree with everyone below whom I would normally agree with, despite the fact of A. getting pregnant by this "friend." I don't understand the circumstances of the pregnancy, but the infant still needs his mommy.

To everyone below -- this is about the well being of the baby. Hopefully A. is a good mother, regardless of her morals about sleeping with other people's husbands. A., never do that again. If someone is married, the other woman got there first, and you have no rights to him. If a man is so miserable in his marriage that he has to screw around then he should man up and get out, and then screw around. Have honor, from now on, and leave other people's husbands alone. And don't listen to guys' b.s. about how much better you are than their boring old wife, etc. etc.

Yikes! This sounds like a Lifetime movie! Women can be cruel and spiteful. I don't know how that lady will look at your son and NOT always think that is her hubby's love child??? I'm trying to put myself in her shoes, but I would have kicked hubby to the curb the moment I found out he fathered another woman's baby...Good Luck!

A.,

Take your son and get to a shelter. Start a new life without this abusive man and wife. Your son deserves the best mommy you can be....so go get her!

I can give you my perspective of it. My sister was married for 25 years with 3 children, when she discovered her husband was having a baby. That I know of this was his 3rd affair and it was his girlfriend (which I don't think really matters).

He didn't have a wonderful job at the time and she was making more money than he was. The marriage was over, however, she didn't have enough money to divorce him. I strongly urged that she divorce him and put the money in her account to do so. I told her if she forgave him, that was her business. This was his child and I asked her how she felt about seeing this child through college.

They divorced and the baby was removed from them at the hospital, due to drug use. The baby was placed for adoption and is probably in another state. The state sent a letter to her house, but she never opened it and he never picked it up.

Months later, they made a new baby and the girlfriend had that baby through an underground midwife. The midwife wasn't there and 3 men who didn't know what they were doing delivered the baby.

They (BIL & girlfriend) weren't together at the time the 2nd baby girl was born, but 3 years later she dropped the baby off for a visit with dad and girlfriend and never came back. By this time, things had healed with my sister for the most part and we do see the little girl at parties and gatherings. She is almost the same age as my daughter and they are good friends. They are very confused as to their relationship because they think they should be cousins, but they're not. My sister has no problems with the little girl and I have seen her keep her and care for her like her own. When I have her for short periods of time, I treat her like my family.

As well, I have a friend who was together with a guy who said he was separated from his wife. As it turns out, he has two children a month apart. He went back to his wife and did not meet his daughter until she was 3 years old. Once he began to visit his daughter, the two of them got back together, he left his wife and married her, the girlfriend. They now have a second baby, which happened prior to their marriage. They exercise visitation with his other children and everything is fine.

I suppose the wound will heal. Just give it time. For the best interest of your son, if they can't take the baby one visit, don't take it personal or hold it against them. Take your time. Not that I think you expect it, but I doubt the two of you will be best friends.

Do you have a lawyer? You need one, because they way things sound, he is setting things up to get full custody. Unless you're planning to give up your rights and let his wife adopt your son, you need to put an end this kind of thinking.

You slept with a married man, now you have to deal with the consequences. If my husband fathered another child, that a lot of pain to go through, and she is dealing with alot of things so leave his wife alone until she heals. That's quite of betrayal to deal with. Once she heals then the three of you can talk it over. Why do you need to have a one-on-one with her? It's the father you need to deal with, next time find someone who is single. Friends don't sleep with another, I don't feel sorry for you...grow up and deal what you have done.

He is the father and the only father. Half of him created the child. It sounds like you had sex with a married man, so you have to deal with those consequences. He has rights too. You can try to go for visitation with only him but I think that is stupid for the child to have to lose out on his father and half siblings. She has raised three kids, and treats this baby "like it's hers" so I you need to let your stress go.

You can't expect that the baby won't call this other woman some form of Mommy. She's the step Mommy, she's going to have him half the time with her husband. You may not like it, but you can not honestly expect that your child will be raised in a home with half-siblings and have to refer to his second mother as "Judy" or whatever her name is.

Just use whatever her kids call her. If it's Mom, then let the baby call her Mom and you can be Mama or Mommy. This kid is already going to feel like an outsider at times no matter how loving and supportive his other family is, so why would you want to complicate that by not allowing the kid to call her mom? It sounds like this woman is amazingly strong and good hearted for being willing to accept her husband's mistake and help raise the reminder of it as if it were her own child, she's still going through a lot because of a selfish moment between you and HER husband.

I get it, it's hard to think of your baby calling someone else mom, but the fact is you made a big mistake and the situation isn't ideal or normal so you're not going to get to pretend to play house with the Daddy and pretend he's Dad and you're Mom and that's it. The kid is going to have two moms, and that's because of a mistake YOU made.

I think you should consider yourself lucky that this woman is willing to be a mother to your child and raise it as her own, even if it's just part time. He's going to have a second family, and it sounds like that second family is going to be a loving one.

OK everyone makes mistakes butGod makes no mistakes. We need to put ourselves in this woman's shoes not the baby daddys wife. I would be very nervous to leave him there with her. I would not encourage your son to call her mom, he has a mom and that's you. I know it might be mandatory for your son to go to dads house but at such a young age to sleep over? I would be calling every 5 min. Good luck!