Sexual Behavior Information Found on 17 Year Olds Computer

Have you told her about birth control, if not, sit down with her immediately, tell her you love her, and you know she is steady with this guy. You are concerned for her safety. There is rampant disease out there, and if he is doing it with her, and you don't know that he is, he has probably done it with others. So, you want to take her to planned parenthood. Make an appt. They will take it from there. You want her to feel very comfortable, about going, they will educate her, get her on some kind of bc. Tell her, that you will pay for any bc, she decides on. If she accuses you of reading her puter, tell her that you know what goes on in young people's lives, and you want her prepared. You don't want her pg, or diseased, you want her to go on to have choices and get her education. At this age, restricting her from seeing him, will only bring disaster, as she will sneak out etc. So, get her safe and educated. Good luck.

Since she is under age, she doesn't need to know exactly how you found out. She needs to know that it is your job as a parent to protect her. It is her job as a child/dependant to be respectful of you, your rules and your home. When she is out on her own, there is nothing you can do, but while she is living in your house, she needs to respect you.

I'm sure if you come to her in respect for her well being and as someone who cares about her and not as a "parent", she'll bea little more responsive. and if not, she doens't need access to the computer unless she bought it and pays for her internet access and rent to her room :)

H.,

I wouldn't actually revealed that you found out. I don't know how well you and your daughter get along but I would advise you to sit down and talk with her. Don't accuse her of anything. She needs to know that she can talk with you about it no matter how disappointed you are and without you getting angry. If she sees that you are angry she will clam up and never talk to you about things. It's time to treat your daughter like an adult if she is going to be doing adult things. I would take her out one day for a girls day out. Then talk with her one on one. I notice that you have three children. This needs to be a private conversation between you and her. Maybe start the conversation off about her boyfriend. Ask her how she feels about him. When she says she's crazy about him or loves him then ask her if they've talked about having sex with each other. Tell her that while you will be disappointed if she did that you won't be mad because you were a 17 year old once too and you know what she is feeling and going through. Talk with her about birth control and how you would prefer her to abstain from having sex until she is married but since she has already done it you want her to be careful. The bottomline is that no matter how much we don't want our children to have sex at a young age - they will do it and find ways of getting around mom and dad not allowing them to go out. And if this is her "first love" it will be even more of a problem trying to keep them separate. What you don't want is for her to feel like she can't come to you and talk to you about it. She's already done it. You know about it and have been upset and disappointed. When she finds out that you know she will be disappointed in herself for disappointing you but you still won't be accomplishing anything unless you are open to talking with her about it. If it were me I would take her to see an OB and get her put on birth control pills. I would also tell her that getting those aren't a liscense to go out and have sex but because you can't be with her 24/7 you need to know that she is using her head when she gives into those teenage hormones and has sex. Educate her about other safe sex contraceptives. Be honest and open but not mad and nagging. And I'm a firm believer in not be friendly about it either. Let her know that you don't want her having sex for whatever reasons you have. Tell her that you will be enforcing strict dating rules to keep an eye on her. Tell her you will be talking to the boyfriend and letting him know how you feel about it. I've been through waht she is going through. I had sex with my now husband when I was 16 years old. His mother caught us doing it and we had a long conversation together. She told my mother who had another long conversation with me. My mother refused to let me see him which was a mistake. I would skip school and call into work sick just to see him. My mom would not talk to me about getting birth control or anything else. It was a taboo topic. Looking back on the incident I wish my mom would've gotten me birth control pills because I wasn't going to stop having sex with my boyfriend (husband) but there were many close calls. I thought I was pregnant 2 times and we would stop having sex for a while because it scared us to death but we eventually did it anyway. I married him and things worked out. I was lucky. I didn't get pregnant. I also didn't listen to my mom or his mom. We did what we wanted to do. And so will your daughter. Please talk to your daughter and listen to her. Don't accuse her of doing something. Allow her to tell you. If she doesn't tell you about it then confront her as gently as possible. Tell her you know they are having sex and that it doesn't matter how you found out. Good luck!

Ask her outright if she is having sex. I know this sounds amazing, but it works. She'll be so taken by surprise that she'll probably say yes...no time to make up an answer....Play it off as you thought she was because she was so upset about you limiting time with the boyfriend. I would also, if she says no, say well, I just want to make sure that when you decide to have sex, you are safe and protected, so let me know. My mother was wonderful with this, telling me early on that when I was ready to let her know. She taught me how to be safe with sex and even though no one believes it, I was married for a year before we became pregnant. Not only do you need to teach her about birth control, but STD safety. She needs to realize that he may say she's been the only one, but men lie...esp to get what they want! Be honest and straightforward, you'll both appreciate it in the long run. Don't reveal the computer issue, you need that to keep track. Good luck and I hope this helps, sorry for the bluntness but I have a great friend who's mother refused to talk to her about sex and she was a mother at the age of 16....really tough.

I know this must be a hard situation for you to be dealing with, to find this out about your daughter. The best thing you can do is discuss it with her. She's almost an adult, and in reality most teenagers her age are sexually active. When I was her age my mother asked me straight out. It wasn't the easiest conversation but I was happy to finally discuss it with her. Try it, she may surprise you. In regards to the computer software you're using, I think this is a gross invasion of your children's privacy. There are plenty of programs and controls for the computer to monitor and make sure they are not visiting inappropriate web sites or downloading anything damaging. But going back later and reading every single thing your children have typed to friends and boyfriends is no different than reading their diary. I hope for your sake they never find out about this or you will lose the trust of your children for a long time. Good luck with this and be open with her.

I don't have teenage children, so I am speaking from my growing up experience on this. I think you should ask her straight out, or otherwise let her know that you know, but dont tell her about the spyware. You need to have open, honest communication with her about this for her safety and if she knows you spied, it will never happen. Just go with the "momvision" thing. I know my mom knew when I started.

I would not take such a heavy handed approach as some people suggest- again, it will prevent communication. Some people wait til they are married, but most dont, and its hard to preach something you didnt practice. And I dont believe it says anything about her being a good person or not.

Definitely take her to a doctor, and let her speak to him/her by herself if she wants. But you really need to stress the STD thing. Pregnancy is more scary to teenagers, but not nearly as bad as dying from irresponsible sex. You would be shocked at the number of teenagers that have an STD. I read something recently that like 80% have HPV. Love does not protect against anything, no matter what kids think. I was very responsible about sex when I was younger, because I knew people with HIV/AIDS. That was always my biggest fear. Maybe take her to volunteer with a hospice group or something, or at least show her the really graphic health class pictures.

I am not totally against the snooping. I think in some cases that spyware would be useful and called for, but if your daughter is as good as you say, maybe you should just try not using it for now. You already found out what you needed to. Unless you suspect things that might endanger her life like depression or drug use, I wouldnt get it it out again. Try to find out what is going on in her life by talking, and use the spyware as a last resort. I hope you are able to talk with her about all this. I know I was a very closed-off teenager, and a converation like that would have been mortifying for me. Good luck!

You've said yourself that she is a great student and responsible. I think a frank talk is in order.

Just sit her down and say flat out, "Let's have a talk about sex."

Explain your viewpoints on sex, and then ask her for hers.
It is going to be very important that you let her know she CAN talk to you about it and I'm sure you'd rather she talk to you about it now (and offer to arrange for precautions if need be) rather than later when it's too late.

Trust me on this... I was a teenage Mom---and a great student and very responsible. It's too late get worry about the whole "pre-marital sex" issue... now it's time for some very proactive damage control and prevention of future mishaps.

No matter how much you don't want her to do it, she probably will go out of her way to do it again. To a teenager, sex equals LOVE. As adults, we know that's not necessarily true, but from their points of view, we tend to raise them to believe that sex and marriage and love all go together. So, some girls have sex thinking the guy is in love and wants to get married. When he drops them later, they're more likely to go find the next guy because after all, if he has sex with her he "must be in love and want to get married..." It's a cycle. And until there is a bit of maturity, there not a lot you can do to convince them otherwise.

Have a frank talk about it. Don't tell her how you know, just let her know that you're there for her and want to keep her safe in the future.

Have you tried sitting down and asking her if she's having sex? This is a very hard situation (one that I haven't had to deal with yet) however, maybe just sitting down and having the "I know you are maturing" talk with her and see if she will open up to you. As much as you may not want to hear it, restricting her from seeing him will only make her close off more to you and have resentment. I know no mother wants to be confronted with their child getting to this stage, however, it happens to all of us, and rather than trying to prevent it (because, trust me, they will find a way), maybe you should take the approach at ensuring that they do it safely. The good part of this is that she is 17...not 13 like many girls these days. Just a thought...

On another note, where did you get that hardware and what is it called? That will be a very helpful thing to have in the future...

Thanks, and good luck!

you are not going to stop her from having sex. At 17, is it not unusual. The thing to do, is make sure she is having responsible sex. Tell her you saw one of her emails, and would like to talk about it. Make sure she is on the pill and using safe sex. Trying to stop her, she will only rebel, see him more, and sneak if have too. Keep an open mind, and treat her with the maturity she is due. One more year, she should be going out on her own, and it is your job to make sure she is ready with sense. Good luck and God bless.

take her to they obgyn and get her on birth control. i know it will freak you out but if shes going to be having sex then she needs to do it safely. talk to her about condoms.. you will get eye rolls and all sorts of things but trust me she will find a way no matter if you lock her up or not... so talk to her about SAFE sex if shes as responsible as you say im sure shes using condoms but birth control should be used too

When my mom found out my sister was having sex she took her for her first gyn check as a sneaky way to bring up the subject. It was there my sister revealed on her own to my mom before seeing the doctor that she did in fact need to be on some pills and need some condoms. That was my moms plan all along cause she already knew (small town). My mom didnt get mad she just wanted my sister to be safe. Then 14 years later it was my turn and she did the same sneaky thing to me and it worked and I was ok with it. You can try talking to her or if she's never had a GYN check it may be time to set that first appt up and let the doctor talk to her and she may open up to you there also.

Hello,

My advice is to strike up a conversation about sex with your teenage daughter. You have "momavision" that is that innate quality we as mom's are given for reasons like this. My mom knew when I started having sex and it blew me away that she could tell just by looking at me. I would not reveal that you have been reading the notes though. Yes, you want to maintain that level of trust so don't completely change your habits so suddenly. Perhaps the two of you could spend more time together. If it is within the budget you can do mom and daughter things like get pedicures, manicures, facials and massages on a monthly basis or find something she likes and do that together. Just talk to her because you want her to be informed, safe and to know her mom is there for her.

Take care

Wow, i never heard of that hardware hook up. My mom used to read my letters. Lol. I wasn't having sex then, just thinking about it. She came right out and ask me as she was holding my letters. You need to talk to her without revealing the source. Tell her when she is thinking about sex then you 2 need to talk about "safe'sex" and protection. Has she ever watched a movie called "juno"? Or a teen age father? They were both on lifetime movies. You could tell her that she may have a crush on him, but he was seen with another girl in a store ~ that ought to do it!

I think you should just ask her. My mom did when I was 17, and I told her. Like your daughter, I was a good student and responsible young woman. She approached me in a way that was not angry, threatening, or condescending. We sat down and had a long conversation about it. She asked me questions and I answered truthfully. We talked about safe sex- everything. She didn't approve, but she didn't try to place judgment either.
Let's face it, you aren't going to stop it. Keeping them apart just makes things worse. But at least the avenue of communication will be open so that perhaps you don't have to "pry" and your relationship can build. She is almost an adult, but she still needs her mom. Good luck.

I don't think you need to go into details. Simply tell her you've read some of her correspondence with her boyfriend on the computer--you don't have to explain how. However, I would point out that your daughter is likely to feel betrayed that you have spied on her, and you will have some relationship repair to do to regain her trust. It's so important to try to develop relationships where there is enough mutual trust that you kids can confide in you, rather than you feeling like you have to spy to find out what's going on in their lives. Difficult with teens, maybe, but definitely possible!

I would suggest that you get Love and Logic for parenting teens for some practical ideas on how to set limits and give consequences for her behavior while (hopefully) keeping her safe. Best of luck to you! I know teens are a special challenge.

Have you taught her about safe sex? If not then definetly do so immediately. I have all sons and even though we continually tell them that they should wait until marriage they will make their own choices. It may or may not be what we approve of but it is their choice. Also considering that both my husband and I had sex before marriage it is very hard for me to demand that my sons do not. We adopted a view that we encourage them to wait but if they do decide to have sex they need to be protected and have safe sex. Today their are so many sexually active people with STD'S and other afflictions that you cannot be to careful. When you have sex with one person it is like having it with everyone they have been with.

If you do not want to let your daughter know why you are being so overprotective, you could be setting yourself up for a bigger problem including trust and respect. How would you feel if someone spied on you and found out what you were doing? I would feel violated and I imagine you and your daughter would also. I guess you could always chalk it up to a show you watched or article you read, but that would be lying and I don't agree with that.

Why not have a friendly, loving discussion about the facts of being sexually active and never mention what you know.

If she finds out you are spying on her you will lose her trust. Things will go south from there really fast.

Just for the fact that she is 17 & has a boyfriend is reason enough to have this conversation. Make sure she understands the importance of safe sex & make sure she has access to what she needs to keep herself safe & healthy.

I really dont think you can prevent her from having sex short of locking her in a tower. That is also a good way to lose her. If she reveals to you she is active, I think you should absolutely let her know how you feel & why, but if you cant prevent her for having sex, provide her with the information of the consequences & how to prevent these consequences.

I hope this helps you.

P.

Hi H. - it's obvious from the responses that this is a subject that touches a nerve for all of us mamas. I am one of those mamas that does not agree with the snooping. But, it is your household and you will do what you think is best. I just happen to believe that it would be better if we parents tried to build and maintain relationships founded on trust and mutual respect. We, as parents, also need to understand that as our children grow older, no matter how much trust and respect we may have with them, they are going to reach an age where they don't want to share every little thing - it's natural. I had a very open relationship with my parents - they may not have always agreed with or approved of what we discussed, but I knew that I could go to them with ANYTHING and they would love me just the same and not judge me for what we discussed. I also knew they would provide sound, reasoned and loving advice. I agree with the mamas who suggested that you just sit your daughter down and have a frank discussion with her about what is going on with she and her boyfriend. Ask her directly if they are having sex and let her know that even if it's not what you wish she would do, that you and her dad are there for her and that you just want to make sure that she is being responsible about the matter. I wouldn't tell her that you know they are having sex, I would just tell her that you suspect it since they seem to be very serious and since they spend so much time together. Tell her that you understand that this can happen at her age, but that you are concerned for her welfare and you just want to make sure she is being as responsible in this aspect of her life as she seems to be in every other aspect. You may be surprised at the floodgate of open communication that may open by your taking this first step. I DON'T agree that you should tell her how you found out about it. I know that I would feel terribly violated if I found that someone had been reading my personal, private correspondence. And no matter that they did it out of love and a need to protect, I think it would take a long time before I would ever feel as if I could trust that person. Some things really are better left to yourself and I think this is one of them. She may only be 17 and a minor and your baby girl, but she is in such a conflicting time right now - almost an adult, yet not an adult... remember how tough that age can be... I'm just hoping that by opening up this dialogue with you daughter, you may find that you don't need the computer spyware. She sounds like such a mature and responsible girl in every way and just because she is engaging in sexual behavior before you're ready and before you think she is ready, it does not mean that she isn't still this wonderful, responsible, mature individual that you described in your post. Sounds like you and your husband have done a great job. As I said in the beginning, you'll do what you think is best for your family, but I'm hoping that you'll find that you don't need the spyware and that you'll just keep it tucked away in a drawer "just in case", but that you'll never give in to the urge to pull it out again. Good luck!!

It is hard when your children do this type of thing, but invading her privacy will only teach her to distrust you. The more you try to keep them away from each other, the more you will push them together. My mom took your approach and it backfired on her. Realize she is 17 and the is an opportunity to discuss adult issues and build trust and a good relationship in the future.

Focus more on safe sex practices and be there if she wants to talk about it.

The more you invade her privacy, the more she is going to distance herself from you now and when she is out of the house (which will probably be less than a year if she is 17). What are you going to do about it next year when she is in college and you aren't there looking over her shoulder? Help her learn how to handle these things, don't try to control her.

Hi H.

I am in total agreement with Dawn P. I too was 17 when I had sexual intercoarse for the first time. I was already on BC pills due to cysts and cycle regulation, but my mother just point blank asked me one evening due to the fact that I had been seeing my boyfriend for over a year. I didn't tell her the truth at first, but later that evening I told her. I could never keep anything from her and we had a very open relationship. Like Dawn's mother, my mother in no way showed approval, but she didn't condemn me either. Her mother did that to her when she was young and it left a lasting negative impression on her towards sex and she didn't want me growing up thinking sex was ugly and wrong. (I had my own guilt that I had done something wrong because of what the Bible says, so in my own way I had to deal with that) PLEASE don't get angry or show anger or disgust towards your daughter.

Goodluck

Oh boy, you are brave...that is really getting into her business and I would surely not tell her how you found out. However, can you not just say that you have noticed her attitude and actions and schedule changing??? Can you say that you know how to read her emails w/ out saying it is a thing on the keyboard? I would calm down and try to trust her judgement too. Is this a nice guy? Has she been dating him long? Does she love him? Sometimes you have to trust them when they are old enough to be trusted. 17 is not too young if you consider the ages others are starting. I was young when I had my first but I loved him and dated him 4 yrs total. Still today I do not regret it. If she is in love with him and he respects her, you might consider having the talk about birth control instead.....

First on her behalf you are being decieving. The way you found out the information is very tricky and causes her to not "believe" you. I have two 14 yr old daughters that use the computer on a daily basis. I do not allow them at certain sites and they know I have the ability to check where they have been. That is the key....they know. As far as what content....I know their passwords and can check as I feel what is going on. There are no secrets. Now that you know she is having sex it is your responsibility to make sure she is taking care of herself. I am a firm believer of waiting till you are married and my girls know this. But I also do not want to raise their babies. If for some reason they cannot wait they know they can come to me and we will take care of the means to keep them safe and not pregnant. You had better start talking to her quick.