How to Talk to My Teenage Daughter About Her Sexual Activity.

Dear C.,
BIRTH CONTROL, BIRTH CONTROL, is all I have to say and find which works for her. That way she won't forget she has that. Plus if you were to refuse them to see each other they will find their way and it will stress you all together even more. Yes tell her you know. That she is having sex with him. I know that with all we have to say they sometimes can't hear us nor do they wish to.
Just protect her from all you can and ask her questions about what it feels like for her and why does she choose to do it. I know it's a big question. But i have been telling mine for years to help me understand why? they feel they need to. With that person. Explain to her if he is it. Get involved in her relationship and do more things with her to maybe slow things down in the relationship. Even if it is a trip to another city or town. Just you and her.
Because when they get to 25 they seem to say it's their life and no matter what we say they want the guy they care about. Even though we may know he isn't.

Look what we have to look forward too.

M. L.

I'd take her to the doctor for a physical and let her talk to her doctor alone and ask any questions she may have. Also just ask her if she thinks she needs birth control pills and/or condoms. I'd rather give them to my child than have him/her get a disease or pregnant.

I am a FAR way away from your dilemma, but I have some suggestions anyway.

When my oldest niece was 15 (now 20) my mother-in-law would watch her after school. My husband and I were living with her at the time. I noticed one night that some of our “protection supplies” had disappeared. First thing I did was pulled her side and told her I noticed. I then told her that I if she was in fact doing anything with them, she needed to know how to do it right. I told her that I didn’t approve of her having sex yet, but if she wanted to go get Birth Control, I was willing to take her. I reminded her of ALL the dangers of having sex, from STDs, to pregnancy, to broken heart. I also talked to her about what she REALLY wanted in a man. I asked her to make a list of everything she expected of her “perfect man”, the one she’d eventually marry. I instructed her to make 2 categories: The MUST Have’s, and The Want to Have’s. I told her she should then fold it up and put it in her wallet, just as a personal reminder. I also told her she could come to me at any time if she need help or wanted to talk.

I didn’t know it then, but I found out about 6 weeks ago she actually did make the list. (She moved in with us in Feb.) We were talking about a new guy she was pursuing and she told me he was almost exactly what she had on her list. I looked at her confused and she asked if I remembered talking to her that night. I did, I was just shocked she had made that list. She said a few days after we’d talked, she and a friend were talking about what the men they’d marry would be like. She said they each made a list and put them in their wallets. She pulled it out and read it to me. I was surprised, and a little touched. She also said that doing this helped her see that the boy she was dating at that time was NOT someone she wanted to spend her life with.

It didn’t stop her from having sex or dating some HORRIBLE men (okay, boys), but it did help her to see what was really important to her. She was able to see, on paper, what she EXPECTED of a man. It also did open the door for future conversations. She and I talk about EVERYTHING!

I hope at least some part of this is helpful. –Janell-

First of all, I DON"T think your daughter needs therapy, as the last responder said. And I don't think you need to pull her out of school and home school her, or call the police or anything of that sort. I work with high school students on reproductive and sexual health, and I believe that her and her boyfriend become sexually active is completely normal. She needs to find a good form of birth control that she will actually use, and use condoms to protect her against STDs. You can't legally put her on birth control anyways in California unless she consents to it. She should choose which kind is best for her, so that she'll actually be invested in using it and not feel like it's a punishment. She should be seen by a doctor just to get the birth control. Yes, they will absolutely find ways to see each other if you limit their access to each other. My advice is to just stay emotionally close to your daughter, tell her you know what you know, and assist her in making good decisions and protecting herself from disease and pregnancy. She is going to need you a lot if she is going to start having sex and becoming emotioinally involved. Just maintain that closeness so you can be there for her. If you know of activities her boyfriend is into, talk to her about it in as non-judgemental, but concerned way as you can. Good luck.

You need to talk to her if you can. If you cannot then you need to schedule her for an exam with an OB/GYN - - - she needs to get tested for STD's - - - this may sound silly, but it is serious or could be very quickly - When I was 18 I was raped - contracted herpes and had a baby as a result - both changed the course of my life forever!!!! I have struggled as a single mom - and struggled financially because I had to support my daughter and not finish college....

I have a 16yo daughter myself - I know this is tough, but since you are pretty sure she IS already having sex - your main goals need to be her health and future - meaning preventing diseases and making sure she is very VERY clear about the realistic possibilities of getting pregnant...

Hey there,

My mom was really cool about it when I was teenager with my first boyfriend. She never came right out and said that she knew. We had had many good converstaions about love and sex, and all the business. She made the point that I was at a good age to start getting my anual checkups (can't get birthcontrol with out them), and that teenagers have screwy periods and that birth control would help regulate them. You can try pills or the shot is good guaranteed one. One shot every three months and no worrys about her taking a daily pill. We went with the shot because we didn't want to have to explain to my dad why I was on the pill. (over protective daddy...)

As far as telling her she can't see him, as we all know it will just make her want to see him more. (don't touch the hot plate... ow it's hot!) I agree with the other mom that said have him come over there that way you can at least know that they are safe and not doing bad things. If they go out, try to see if it could be a group thing (ours used to be at the bowling alleys).

As long as you trust that you've taught her to make responsible desicions (for a 16 year old :) ), I would say it's time to let go and trust her. You're a good mom, you'll handle it just fine.

Good luck!
T.

I feel for you and the difficult situation you are dealing with- and I know its only a matter of time before I too, will find myself in the same situation- but heres what I would do: maybe having a "girls day" outing with your daughter- the mall and pizza or something, then kind of casually bringing up the topic; more like explaining the risks and the responsibilty of having sex, but in a non- threatening way that you know what shes up to. And I agree- telling her that she cant see him will only make her want to even more. Maybe you can make it so that he is over at your house, and they can watch movies or eat together and hang out, where you can sort of keep your eye on things from a closer distance than if they were out somewhere else doing who knows what- you know? Taking her to her doctor and getting her on birth control is another very responsible thing to do also, but maybe you can have the doctor explain the risks of getting sexually transmitted diseases from having unprotected sex. I think you are handling this really really well given the circumstances, and by maybe inviting the boyfriend into your family, you will be able to monitor the activities to a greater extent, and also create more trust with your daughter. I hope this helps, and best wishes to you!

Hi C.:

When I want to talk with my teen about a difficult subject I try to approach him when it is just the two of us. I will invite him out to dinner or a long drive. Then I will try NOT TO ACCUSE him of the activity I know he is involved in, instead I will just say, I know alot of kids your age are having sex already and I want to make sure that if you already have or are considering making that decision you have all the facts, etc. Usually this opens the door for him to feel free to talk. He doesn't feel threatened and made to feel that I am prying.

Hopefully this will work for you and if you can get your daughter to admit she is thinking about having sex or the truth that she already is, you can suggest a doctors appointment so she can talk to an expert and get birth control. When I discovered my son was having sex, I purchased condoms for him and left them in his room. Teens are not going to ask for birth control, so I think we need to provide it with out punishing them. I felt that I would rather provide birth control than diapers!

Best of luck,
M.

First don't 'forbid her' to see him that will only make her see him more. I/we(hubby and I) have chatted with our 15 yr old. You could say.. 'hey honey, I know you have been seeing XYZ for howver many months now and I am concerned with you and him having sex. I hope you know that you can come to me with any questions and that you can also come to me if you want look at getting on the pill' this way I think you are opening the door for her to tell you that they have already. And it can open the door for you to discuss some of the things you are not comfortable with him doing to her.. and how you will trust her good judgement until she gives you reason not too. I also have a 3 year old and my daughter started helping me with him and I am hoping that her seeing how much work a small child/baby is will also help her makea good decision.

Hi C.,

I am a 24 year old mother of a 2 month old. I wish my mom talked to me more about sex when I was young. I think that you should definitely talk to your daughter about sex and tell her that you know she is having sex. I would be very calm with her so she feels that it is ok to be open with you. I would offer to take her to get checked at the doctor and tell her you want her to be safe above anything else. With all of the std's out there and aids becoming an epidemic you want the very best for her and for her to live as long she can so by getting checked and staying safe during sex by using a condom will help decrease anything she may catch. I would talk to her about birth control also since she is already having sex. you cant really forbid it or her boyfriend because she will probably rebel like a lot of other girls. My sister had a kid at 16 and it changed her life. She told me she loves her daughter very much but wishes she would have waited. There are too many things a 16 year old can accomplish in their life without becoming a full time parent. I would ask her how she feels about safe sex, motherhood, etc. Dont try to scare her just tell her that you are very concerned. You only want her to be happy and to think about how she sees herself living in 5 years. Would she still be with this boy, etc. Ifyou feel that he is not right for her try telling her that she can go out and find anyone that she wants she can get the very best. Talk to her about these things before its too late. Just dont let it become a fight. Try to make it so she wants to be open and talk to you. Take her out to lunch somewhere kinda far and talk to her in the car. Good Luck

i think you will probrably get many very different answers to this question. my opinion on this is that the best thing you can do for your daughter in this situation is make sure she does go to the doctor regularly, get on birth control, and let her know that though maybe her having a sexual relationship at 16 is not your first choice for her, you love her and want to support her and be there for her. if she feels she can come to you and be honest with you rather than hiding her relationship with this boy, it will save both of you a lot of heartache. you cant prevent him from breaking her heart but you can make sure shes safe and wont get pregnant. if you encourage honesty and openness, make them feel comfortable spending time together in your home, (no, not having sex in your house, thats not what i mean) they might not feel they have to sneak around. teenagers are going to have sex, its the reality of today. good luck!

If you daughter is sexually active she should start seeing a gynocologist to get everything checked out and also so later on down the road they always have a history to resort back to.

As for advice as what to say to tell her you know, you could always let the doctor discuss the birth control with her so she (ad you) may not feel so awkward about letting her know you know. Just tell the doc ahead of time that you know and you want him or her to discuss in depth everything she will need to know. later on you guys might feel more comfortable to discuss it openly. But, for now as long as you know she is taking precautions to keep herself safe is a start. My husbands Mom just put a box of condoms in the bathroom and made an announcement saying that they were there and no further discussions needs to be had unless they wanted to.

As far as you telling her you disapprove of her choice of boyfriend may fall on deaf ears. At this point you may need to let her make her own decisions but let her know that you are there for her if she needs to talk. Or you can try saying something like this "I will say this once, I do not like _____ because ______. Now that you know how I feel I will not say it again and I will leave it up to your judgment to make your own decisions." That worked for me when my Mom had a discussion with me about a guy I was dating in high school.

Good Luck and I hope your relationship with your daughter stays strong.

I would let her know that you know. I remember when I first started having sex, and I would have really like having someone I could trust to talk to about it, but as I teen, I wasn't going to tell my mom. Try not to lecture her, she knows what she is doing is wrong and knows that you are probably dissapointed and don't approve. Instead just talk, without putting too much pressure on her. I also think that if she is having sex, then she definately needs to go to an ob/gyn to get a pap and std test if she hasn't already. This may be her first time, but if may not be her boyfriend's. I do think that you should put her on birth control, only because at 16 she probably isn't being very responsible and using condoms. Just make sure that she fully understands that the pill doesn't protect against std's. Good luck with the conversation. I hope it all goes well.

i was once a teen in that kind of situation. if you try to stop her from seeing him, she will probably go behind your back. so try to control the situation by having them hang out at your house when you are home. that way she is not out doing those things that he is doing. yes, she absoultly needs to see the gyn. and yes, it is wise to get her on birth control. you dont want her getting pregnant at such a young age.

I know there's much controversy, but putting her on birth control really does in her teenage mind giver her permission from you to have sex. Even with birth control, there's still a chance. There's a chance with condoms as well. Condoms do not protect from all sexual diseases. Neither do they protect from any of them completely. Teenagers think they are invincible. "I won't get pregnant. I won't get any diseases. We'll be together forever...." There's an emotional risk as well that is probably more than any other risk. Let her know you don't approve. If you made the mistake in the past yourself, let her know, and how it effected you. Tell her you'll be there for her no matter what. Continue to limit their time together. Maybe invite the boy over, but do not let them be alone in her room. I wish my parents made my boyfriend feel welcome. I would have seen his true colors much sooner and dumped him on my own.

C.,

You've gotten some great advice on this topic. I especially like Janell and Tracy's suggestions. "The List" is something I've done since I was in my late teens. I swear by it and suggest every dating woman, young and old, do it. It really does help weed out the guys who really aren't right for you. By guiding your daughter to make her list, she will be better able to judge whether her current guy is right for her or not. You didn't mention what the guy's activities are that you don't approve of, but as long as the activities are non-destructive, legal, and not dangerous to their health, well-being, or safety, then I wouldn't worry about it.

When my son was 16, he started going to teen dance clubs. He loves to dance and would go every weekend. There were some girls' mothers who didn't want their daughters to go with him or to date him because of it. They didn't feel it was an appropriate environment. But it's part of who he is and an activity he likes to do. He still goes dancing and hangs out with friends--now at 18 and older clubs. But I'd rather have him doing that, than getting into trouble, getting drunk or doing drugs.

As for her having sex, definitely get your daughter on birth control IMMEDIATELY. The Depo shot or Norplant sticks would be better than the Pill so that way she doesn't have to remember to take it daily.

I disagree with the Moms who recommend letting the doctor talk to your daughter. She's your daughter, not the doctor's and the doctor is not going to be around when your daughter gets her heart broken or something bad happens. You need to be able to talk to your daughter about EVERYTHING. If you aren't there yet, you need to start now.

I had the sex talk with my son when he was 14. Not the "where babies come from" conversation; he learned all that much younger (age 7) because my parents had a horse ranch where breeding occured, so procreation questions came up sooner rather than later. But at the age of 14, I gave my son his first box of condoms. When he asked why he needed them, I jokingly told him to think of a condom like an umbrella--that he may not need it because it wasn't raining yet, and I didn't expect him to go out and try to make it rain, but it's nice to have just in case. =) I also suggested he practice putting them on so that way when the time came, he'd know how to use them. And, of course, I had a discussion with him about STDs and teen pregancy. I told him not to trust that the girl is taking pregnancy precautions, that it's his responsibility to protect himself.

Although I armed him early with information and protection, he didn't have sex for the first time until he was 17 and had been dating his girlfriend for a year (they were both virgins). He told me about it and has been very open about his experiences. Now, he is with a different girl, but he religiously adheres to using protection. As a matter of fact, he has a small chest on his nightstand overflowing with every type of condom you can imagine.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you never know when kids are going to start having sex, so it's better to prepare early by giving them information, protection, and an avenue to talk about personal thoughts, experiences, and problems than for a mother to stick her head in the sand and pretend her child is never going to grow up.

Good luck.

well i have a 14 yr old daughter who we found out in march has been having sex since feb and it turned our lives upside down we took her to the drs and had them test her for diseases then she got the depo previra shot so we dont have to worrry about a baby her friends tod her if u have a baby your parents will pay attention to u .. it was my daughters first time and her bf s 2nd gf .. its hard my ex pulled her out of school and home schooled her for 3 weeks and had police talk to the parents and the bf so maybe that help u

C.,
Communication is the key because she has entered a world that she is not quite ready for she needs to understand what could be the consequences of her actions...pregnacy,STDs or worst AIDS!!!!! Let her know that you know and she needs to see a doctor. I know that we would like our children to wait but the reality is that she hasn't and you have to deal with her reality. Try to remember when you were her age... your feelings and speak from your heart. I have learned that my daughter is more receptive when I am talk with her and not at her. It is not easy but stand firm and be direct but do it in love. I hope this helps and my prayers is with you and your family. The fact that you are asking for help shows that your are a good mom. J.

C.,

She needs to know about birth control and STDs. You really should take her to a good OB/Gyn. Have her tested for pregnancy and STDs and get her on birth control, AND buy her some condoms, show her how to use them and explain their importance. The time for denial is over. If she's doing adult activities, she needs help taking adult responsibility for her actions or you are going to end up being a grandma and/or she's going to end up dealing with an STD. With a little thought and tact, I think you can impress upon her that although you don't approve of what she's doing, you aren't stupid and you aren't going to pretend you don't know what is going on. You can also tell her why you disapprove of her boyfriend and think she's making poor choices. And of course you can limit when and where she can see the boy. But, at the end of the day, she's her own person and there is only so much you are really going to be able to control. The rest is going to be up to her. Good luck to you.

T.

I know is is hard subject for most. I have an almost 17 year old step daughter. And her ex-boyfriend and her have had sex. Her mom is very open about the subject. When she found out that she wanted to have sex, she told her she had to go to the doctors and be put on the pill. She was very open about having a child at a young age and the risk about getting pregnant. She didnt have a choice if she was going to have sex. her dad and I have had the sex talk about how boys may pretend to love them and say "if you love me, you will have sex with me".... how she needs to have self worth and not have sex until she was ready and for the right reasons. That it is not something to take lightly. And once sex is involved in a relationship, theres alot more pressure and serious.
You may not have to out right tell her you know, but be very open about the subject. She may have questions for you and is afraid to ask you. The way my husband looks at it, we may not want her to have sex at an early age, but we would rather know and be open for her, so she doesnt sneak around, get pregnant and then what..if she is old enough to have sex, she should be old enough to talk about it and be on the pill.
All I can is good luck. Teenagers are hard, no matter how much we love them.

I agree you should be the one to talk to your daughter about this issue but, You are the parent not her you need to set the rules and boundaries of what is appropriate and not. I hope you have a very good communication with her and she listens to you for she does not need to become a teen mother life is way to hard for our children as it is. If you go to church maybe the youth group pastor there can be of help. These are just suggestion to try. I have worked at many school and have seen way to many young kids getting pregnant a very young ages. I hope the best for you.
I.

Hi, I don't think telling her that you know might be a good idea, she migh wonder how you found out and feel you violated her privacy. You can ask her if there is anything she wants to talk about and reassure her that you are there to help and advise, not judge and if she volunteers any info without you pressuring her, great you can talk to her about it more. If she doesn't talk to you about it you can schedule an appt with her doctor. I work for a pediatrician, and many times moms call us with these concerns, so we schedule a regular checkup for the child and the doctor talks to her about the importance of safe sex,resources and many other issues. Good luck!

Hi C., I know what your going through. I was almost 17 when I started having sex. Just tell her that you know. She probably wants to tell you, but doesn't know how to. I told my mom just because I felt bad, but tell her you know and maybe suggest birth control to her. It just might be a relief to her, and she will feel like she doesnt have to hide anything. Tell her that you dont approve of it, but if its going to happen that you perfer that shes on birth control. She probably should start getting paps as well. Especially with the HPV out there. I had it after I had my second child, it went away but still. I hope this helped. H.

You have to be careful about not letting her see him because it is more likely that it will cause you more trouble. Though I am a mother I am only 18, though a very mature 18 year old. I'll let you know that I have almost completed my A.A. in Psychology and I work part-time to help bring in income, So I feel that you can listen to what I have to say without it coming from a kid. But me being 18 means that I have a little of the teenage insight into how she may feel. So, some things that you want to do, as long as you are not going to try to tell her not to it would be a good idea for you to tell her you know, however if you found out through spying or something like that you want to be careful how you approach the subject. You may want to offer to her for you to take her to the doctors to get set up on a birth control of her choice and to learn about STDs and how to prevent them. As well, the doctor can do a pap smear and explain why it is best that she get these every year. Let them set up for them to get into contact with her if they have anything to tell her that way she feels she has more privacy and feels more secure in the fact that you are not trying to hurt her individuality but rather that you are trying to ensure she has the best future possible. Have a conversation with her asking her how she feels and if she thinks she's in love with this boy. Set some limits on when she can see him based on her finishing her homework and other activities, such as chores, being completed regularly. As well, ask for her to have the boy over for dinner and movie with the family. Explain that you want to get to know him. See about arranging for him to be over for a family night once a month so that you can check up on how things are going and you can continue to get to know him. As well, you can see how they are around eachother and make sure your girl is being treated well by him.
In regards to the others things he does that you don't approve of, if you tell her shes not allowed to see him it will make things very bad and it will just make her feel that you don't trust her. You need to sit her down and have a conversation. Explain what it is that you have been hearing he has been doing. Ask her if she is participating, she'll probably say no, and unless you have hard evidence that she is doing this too then don't accuse her of it because it will just make a rift between you two. Find out what she knows about what he does, explain that you want to know about who it is she is dating. Explain to her what you don't like about what it is that he is doing but tell her that you trust her to tell you if she gets into trouble with anything. Having him come over each month or once a week or things like that will help you watch him and her and watch out for changes in her. Ask her what she thinks of what it is that he does, don't get defensive just try to keep it a conversation.

At this point you need to be able to trust her. She is going to be leaving in just a couple of years and you want to keep her safe but you also want to be able to trust her. Unless she gives you a blantant reason to not trust her than you need to trust her. Try to keep the line of communication open and not to be to critical of her. Keep tabs on how things are going and ask her questions about her boyfriend from time to time. For now doing these things should keep peace in your household and help you keep your daughter safe. Get in what you think about these things but don't push them on her. She is going to make her own decisions whether they are your ideas or hers but it is ok for you to make your thoughts known as long as you are not trying to just criticize her. It needs to keep it as communication not a lecture.

I hope this helps, by the way if it makes you feel better, though I am a mother it is not because I got pregnant it was because I took over where a slightly older mother couldn't handle it. I'm a step-mother, but I'm the only mommy my son has ever known. Teenagers are hard, I understand your difficulty and hope you are able to get through this. Feel free to send me a message if you would like anything else from me.

Hi C.,
Unfortuanately there is not much you can do to stop her from seeing or being with this boy. If she is becoming sexually active I think the question of birth control is a no-brainer, unless you are ready to be a Grandmother. She should see a doctor and you can educate her on whats out there. Such as; herpies, venereal warts,and all of the lovely diseases that go along with sexual activity.There are websites on the net.I hope this doesn't sound harsh but we have already introduced our sons to these very things so that when they make the decission thier eyes are open to the reality of our world. Good Luck

"Yes" to all your questions. You MUST address this, before another child is added to the mix. And if you prohibit her from seeing her boyfriend, you'll give her yet one more unhealthy reason to continue having sex - with him or someone else. Get to the root cause of why she is being emotionally self-destructive: THERAPY. I REALLY think she needs couseling to figure out why she sexualizes herself instead of seeking more fulfilling attention.I could tell YOU my theories - because, statistically, it's predictable - but SHE needs to do the work and arrive at the answers on her own. She'll need a supportive and brave mom through it, as well. The best to you.

P.S. STDs are, again, epidemic in this area (1:4 at SDSU, this year!) among teens/college-aged.

I have a 14 yr old daughter. We are extremely close. She has never had a boyfriend, not allowed, but has liked a couple of boys. She has been hurt just by having crushes and seeing the boys with other girls. I feel for you. If I even suspected my daughter of having sex I would let her know asap. You need an open honest relationship with your daughter. You are her mother she should come to you for help, advice, a shoulder to cry on, etc.
I would take her to the doctor, have an exam, and put her on birth control. If she wants to behave like an adult then she should be treated as one. Sex is not for children, she has opened a can of worms and needs to be prepared for ALL consquences, not just pregnancy.

My mom started having the "sex talk" with me when I was dating a friend of mine. It didn't matter where we were at she just started talking to me about it and also about STD's. She even made me an appointment with the OB/GYN and made sure that I was put on birth control. I was about 16 when I got on the pill. So just start talking to her about it and yes she will feel uncomfortable but just knowing that you care, in time she will talk to you about what is going on. You could even do what my mom did, she went out food shopping one day and came home with a box of condoms. She gave them to me but I never used them cause sex was the last thing on my mind but I was happy years later that she did give me a box and from that I ended up using condoms when I was having sex.
You can even get information about STD's and leave them in her room cause she may end up reading about them on her own and then you can ask what do you think about this. Don't be afraid about talking to her about sex. Just keep doing it.
Good luck.

Hi C.:

I think the last thing you want to do is avoid this issue. You really need to speak to your daughter about everything that is involved with having sex. Don't approach the subject in an accusatory or threatening way, but approach it, now. As we all know, girls her age can feel very pressured to have sex so a boy "likes" them more, or so that they feel like they belong to that special group of teens who know what it's like to be sexually active. Take her for an exam so she can get checked out and ask any questions she might not feel comfortable discussing with you. I think you're right though, if you forbid her to see this boy, she will most likely just sneak around. Make sure she knows that she doesn't have to have sex with someone just to make them happy; those are the guys that will break her heart the most. Birth control is something you should think about, but using condoms is something you should make sure she does. Make it very clear that the pill will protect her from getting pregnant (but not always), but it will do absolutely nothing to protect her from STD's. If it were me, I would make sure she was very aware of those dangers. I always think back to my experiences as a teen when I anticipate talking with my kids about these things. (none of mine are old enough yet, but with 1 boy and 2 girls, I know it's inevitable) I imagine that the more open and honest you are with them, then they will feel more comfortable coming to you to talk or if they are ever in trouble. Good luck

I have two teenagers, a daughter who just turned 16 and a son who is 17. When I was growing up, my mother and I didn't have that "bond" >>> we didn't talk, didn't discuss things, and what I did learn was on my own... basically my mom and I weren't close at all. I swore when I became a parent, I would be very open minded with my children, non-judgemental and absolutely nothing/no topic would be taboo. Being mom and dad (since their father died several years ago), I have had the "talk" with my kids when they started showing an interest in the opposite sex. At first, they were embarrassed to talk to mom, but over time, they knew not to be ashamed or embarrassed. You have to be persistant, and most important, non-judgemental. I know it is difficult to even think of our children having sex... but it will happen eventually. You have to make sure they are informed...they are educated on consequences.... and to protect themselves from disease and also pregnancy. I have told both my teenagers to always use condoms when and if they do have sex, not just for my son, but also my daughter. (I bought each a pack of condoms just in case) That is the next surest way to not obtain a disease besides abstinance. And I do preach abstinance!

About stopping your daughter from seeing this boy.... what I did with my daughter, was tell her to invite this boy over to our house for dinner, watch a movie, play scrabble, etc. I also do make a point of speaking to the parents and meeting them if I can. I am old fashioned in a way, meeting the boy or the girl (in my sons case)... I believe when this happens, it does garner some respect towards the parent and to their "love" interest and they might think twice. If there is no respect, hopefully, your daughter will sense this and stop seeing him. Use some psychology...hehe. I tell my kids, I'm not going to stop you from seeing him, but he (or she) has to come over to the house so I can meet him or her. And this way, they are closely monitored.

About birth control... I know that most people will think if a girl is on oral contraceptives it means they are sexually active and it gives a negative stigmata towards the girl. And in some cases placing your daughter on birth control gives her the go ahead to have sex. Not so... in my feminist views that I tell both my children... use CONDOMS... I stress condoms more than anything. Both men and women need to be equally responsible for preventing pregnancy and disease. And they need to be informed of the consequences if God forbid, something should happen. You know the saying, it takes two. Also, oral contraceptives has some benefits... such as, reducing acne, less cramping, more regular, shorter periods... stress the importance of these instead of preventing pregnancy. To go on oral contraceptives, you will need to take your daughter to the doctor or to a clinic to get a prescription. Also, please keep in mind, that your daughter can go to a clinic on her own and obtain birth control without your knowledge.

Also tell your daughter, that you were her age once, and that you know more than she may think. You don't necessarily have to tell her you know she is having sex. I know that most teenagers believe the world revolves around them and they don't think anything can happen to them. Inform her, educate her, give her your wisdom of what you went through at her age without giving her specifics.

I know I am very open-minded and a lot of people do disagree with my views and the openness I have with my kids. Just talk to your child/children and also listen, don't just lecture, don't get angry, be supportive, be understanding and give them a chance and listen to what they have to say without getting upset or judgemental. I am reassured with myself that I have a great relationship with my children, and I hope you will too.

C.,

I know this is a very hard time for you, I have a 12 yr old going on 13 this year daughter. I have noticed things different about my daughter lately which got me very concerned. Her dressing more skimpy, wanting bigger boobs, flirting with boy, she's had different boy friends in the past couple months. Well I had read something in her diary and I had made the decision to make her a Dr. appt and put her on birth control. I had made it very clear to her that me getting her BC doesn't mean I am okaying her to have sex its just stating I rather her be protected from getting pregnant and follow in my footsteps. I had gotten pregnant at 14 had my daughter at 15 and don't want her having to live the life I had. Let her know that you know her current situation and that you feel if she needs to ever talk to you about anything you will always be there for her. Have her seen by a dr maybe a full physical this is my next step for my daughter just to make sure everything is ok with her. Just a little advice about trying to keep her away from the boyfriend the more you say no the more she will defy you. She's only 16 she will go through many more boys till the right one comes along her path. Limiting the time is a good start I think you should keep it at that. Being there for her is the biggest thing you can do for her right no. I know im babbling on but I hope what I have said has helped you out. Don't forget we were once there ages.

Hi I raised two teenage daughters one is now 20 and the other will be 18 in May... Make an Appointment for her IMMEDIATLY at her primary Doc or Better Send her to Planned Parenthood..you probabaly should send her to Planned Parenthood they will take good care of her..ALL you have to do is let her think you are assuming they are having sex Rather than give up how you found out..You are the Parent YOU Are not stupid ,.. even if she denies it tell her u know it is going to come up soon and you want ther to be prepared. That's what i did ..They appreciated the fact that I was thinking ahead for them.. I sent them dwn to Planned Parenthood by them selves they don't want MOM there Lurking over them when they are Getting BC Just confirm they are going and inspect the Pills after!! .. you do need to tell her the importance of Birth Control...SHe needs to understand the consequences of not taking the BC....When my girls started to have a longert than 2week relationship(basically when I knew it was kinda serious) I put then on BC right away .."just in case" I do not want them to ruin their life and have a child they cannot care for Nor do I want to be grandmother! (right now) Let her see her BF you are not going to be able to stop that ..Back her up with her decisions and be there when she fails...YOU have to make sure she knows your door is aALWAYS open and you will always be therer for her NO MATTER WHAT ..even when she screws up..If her grades are not satisfactory that is what you fight for... No good Grades NO hangin out with BF or freinds etc...

Good Luck!
M.

My daughters are 4 and 7 so I don't have to deal with this yet (Thank God), but I read the advice that was given to C.. It is great advice. I know I'll have to use some of it before I know it. I think its wonderful to keep the lines of communication open. In my house growing up, sex was a topic that was not discussed. I didn't have sex until I was 18. I had known my boyfriend 3 years before we dated. We were then together for 9 months before we had sex. I did go to the doctors on my own for a pap test. The thing is, my doctor told my mom!!! (we had the same doctor). My mom called me every name in the book! I vowed I would never treat my daughter like that. I hope that my daughter feels like she can come to me and talk. I am 32 now and I STILL don't feel like I can trust my mom enough to talk to her.

I think you should sit down with her and tell her how you are feeling. Be honest and tell her your concerns and that you love her very much. Since she has already started having sex it doesn't seem possible you can stop her. Birth control at this point seems logical. Explain that having a baby at this point would not help the situation. She is young and has her future in front of her. Good luck and let me know what happens

Take your daughter and get her birth control. And try to get something other then the pill. Most 16 year olds will forget to take it. And you are right about her going behind your back if you try to stop them. It's good that you limit the time they are allowed to see one another. But beyond that there isn't much you can do. The best thing is to protect her from pregnancy and take her in to be tested for STD's. I know it's not something anyone wants to think about but it's better to be safe then sorry. And yes, once a girl becomes sexually active it is best to take her in for a pap smear and other gynecological exam, w/in a year from when she had her first sexual encounter.