Seeking Help with Grief

Updated on March 09, 2009
V.W. asks from Mountain View, CA
39 answers

Hi,

I am hoping some of you mamas can help me out and give some much needed advice. I am feeling very traumatized because of frequent miscarriages mostly first trimester but also experienced one late in the second trimester which was profoundly traumatizing. My most recent one was late last year and I have been having a hard time dealing with all of the emotional turmoil. I would like to speak to a professional to aid me in my path to recovery. I am not sure whom I need to see... a psychiatrist, a psychologist or a grief counsellor. I don't want to just "go" to anyone, I want to go to someone that comes highly recommended and perhaps one of you has had similar experiences and has just the name of the person I need on the tip of your tongue. I really feel I need to find some peace of mind but I don't think I can do it on my own. Sometimes I think I am doing ok but in the blink of an eye, I find I might be sobbing my eyes out because of a sad story I might have seen on the news for example and I don't think this is normal ?? So I would be really grateful for your thoughts and recommendations. Thanks in advance.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

Featured Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

W.M.

answers from Sacramento on

V.,
No matter what you need to grieve. Getting counseling is a great idea. I have someone that is great. Her name it
Trinity Bockus. ###-###-####. She works in sacramento and Fair Oaks. I hope she can help you.
W. M

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.E.

answers from Sacramento on

I am seeing a phsyciatrist for issues that happened three+ years ago. Do all and go to spiritual leaders. Yes songs commercials and all are on the healing path. My heart goes to you.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.M.

answers from Bakersfield on

Hi V.-
In October of 2002, my sister in law was 5.5 months pregnant, and I was getting ready to be married. The Thursday before our wedding (she was a bridesmaid), she and her husband found out that her child would not survive. They had been trying for a few years to have a baby and this was their "miracle." The baby did not develop- no nose, no mouth, slits for eyes... and could not survive without being on life support IF it made it to full term. In all other sense of the issue, the child was dying before it was born. She came to my wedding, and the week after, had to deliver a child that only lived for about 30 minutes. I cannot convey to you the depths of her despair, and of her and her husbands loss.
I tell you this because it took her a few years to really grieve the loss of her child. She had miscarried before, but none so late. About 2 years after, she and her husband started to talk about it. They eventually went to see a grief counsellor, and then they went to see someone that a friend reccommended to them who specialised in parents losing children. A year after that, my sister in law, her husband, and her parents took the ashes of her baby and laid them to rest on the open sea. There is a photo of her parents standing on the shore where they "released" the baby.
I want you to know that your emotions are VERY normal. YOu have lost your child! Not only are you hurting, but anything that causes harm or hurt makes your more sensitive- why? Because whether a child is alive or not, you are still a mother.
My suggestion is to search out grief counsellors who specialize in losing children. Your OB or pediatrician should be able to reccommend someone. If that fails, call a planned parenthood clinic, because as much as they deal with the demise of unwanted children, they also KNOW and DO provide counselling because of the loss, chosen or not. I would try your docotr first, a pediatric center/nurse/doctor next, and then the clinic.
You may need to try a few counsellors on, you know.
Psychiatrists are able to write prescriptions- a good therapist will give you the options and not push you to medicate. A counsellor cannot write prescriptions, but based on the need reccommend you see a psychiatrist.
ALways start with the counsellor, and find one who makes you feel comfortable and at ease.
THe best thing to do is to start your recovery- you have LOST something and need to get your bearings before trudging on.
I hope this helps, and I pray that you will be blessed with positive encouragement from friends and family and that a great counsellor will come your way.
-E. M.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.R.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi,
I'm sorry for your loss
my background I wrote a pregnancy book for disabled women & my husband is a psychiatrist who helped with this section I'm pasting the section of my book
It is important to know about postpartum depression because it is not always easy to recognize. Clara told us, “Some years after I had my first child, I read about postpartum depression and many of the symptoms were just what I went through. At the same time, I learned I had a thyroid problem, and I know hormonal problems can cause postpartum depression. Ask about possible side effect when choosing birth control. I think I had postpartum depression and nobody recognized it at the time.” Although a thyroid blood screening is now being done during pregnancy, it should be rechecked during the postpartum period as well. (See chapter 6)
Still, no one can look at a list and diagnose herself. If you have experienced a depression before pregnancy, you are at a 30% higher risk for a postpartum depression. (Parade magazine Oct. 13, 2002 p.11 quoting Diane Dell assistant professor of Obstetrics-Gynecology at Duke University) One woman can have one or two symptoms on the list below, and not have postpartum depression. Another woman might experience symptoms that are not included in this list. A woman, who is experiencing many of these symptoms and/or is having disturbing feelings, needs to describe these to a doctor. Someone who has postpartum depression may have trouble recognizing symptoms and or may not be able to bring herself to see her doctor. It is important to have someone close to her encourage and/or insist that she seeks help.
Sometimes sleep disturbance is the cause to post-partum depression. It is important to get five consecutive nights of sleep other than what’s interrupted by your child.
The most important symptom of depression is sleep disturbance, other than waking to feed the baby at night. One type is initial insomnia . In this case, you are not able to fall asleep when you first go to bed. If it takes more than half an hour to fall asleep, and the problem lasts longer than a month, or gets worse over time, it is insomnia. Middle insomnia is more difficult to recognize because mothers are often awakened by their babies. However, if the baby is sleeping through the night, and you often wake up for no reason, then take more than half an hour to go back to sleep, middle insomnia may be the problem. Again, this would not happen just once or twice; it would be insomnia if the problem goes on for more than a month or grows worse over time. Early insomnia is waking that occurs early in the morning, before your usual time for awakening.
It is a good idea to call the doctor if sleep disturbances are a problem either alone, or in combination with any of these symptoms:

• A feeling of being flooded with too many thoughts, as if your mind
is going all the time and cannot stop.
• Any of these feelings: A sense of foreboding, that is, a constant feeling
that something bad is about to happen. Feeling extremely depressed or
wishing you were dead. You could feel: 1) A sense of hopelessness 2) Feelings of extreme shame—either feeling ashamed for no reason, or feeling very ashamed
about something that is usually just slightly embarrassing.
• Feeling unreasonably anxious or fearful about the baby. Clara said, “One
of the reasons I think I had postpartum depression is that I worried much
too much about my baby. I kept waking up at night to check my baby’s
breathing. I was sure I’d find her dead of SIDS.” This may be considered a symptom of postpartum panic (a new category of postpartum disorders)
• Excessive euphoria—exaggerated feelings of happiness. Extreme euphoria
is not the usual joy people feel the first time the baby laughs or sits up.
With extreme euphoria, the mother is so excited that she is too disorganized to take care of the baby, forgetting to feed him or her or change the diapers.
• Hearing a voice no one else hears, or seeing something no one else sees.
If this happens even once, it is important to see a doctor.
• An urge to hurt yourself or your baby. Many new parents will say something like, “When the baby wakes me up at night for the fifth time, I want to throw it out the window.” But they know they do not really mean what they are saying. If you feel as though you really might hurt yourself or the baby, and it seems that you cannot control the feeling, call your doctor right away.
A woman with symptoms of postpartum depression may need to see a psychiatrist. Some of the symptoms are more obvious than others. At first the woman and her doctor may think she simply has ordinary “baby blues.” She should see a psychiatrist; If you can not feel comforted by your doctor’s reassurances, or if you have severe symptoms (such as hearing voices). It is important to see a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist or a counselor, because the psychiatrist is also a medical doctor, and there may be a physical cause for the problem. Results from a pilot study suggest that low levels of estrogen may cause post-partum depression. The study also found “that estrogen replacement may result in resolution of psychotic symptoms.” (J Clinical Psychiatry 2000; 61: 166-169 Positive Treatment of Estradiol in Postpartum Psychosis: A Pilot Study Ahokas A, Aito M, and Rimon R) Although estrogen is not regarded as the sole treatment for postpartum mood disorders, it is showing much promise. On the other hand, Depo-Provera™ may trigger postpartum depression. Unlike many other forms of birth control which have both estrogen and progesterone components, Depo-Provera™ contains only the latter and may therefore adversely affect hormone balance in the post-partum period.
The psychiatrist may need to work with other specialists. Laura told us she suffered a “severe depression” after she gave birth. She assumed SLE caused her depression and it may have been the case. However, a psychiatrist might have worked with Laura’s rheumatologist to determine whether she was suffering from SLE (lupus) symptoms or postpartum depression
judi

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.H.

answers from San Francisco on

Dear V.,
Like so many of the other women who wrote to you, I can also sympathize/empathize with your feelings. I had a late, drawn-out miscarriage with my first pregnancy in 2005. I still cry about it! Especially at the time of year when it occurred. And boy, was I a mess for a long time afterward. You're in good company with all your feelings.
I don't know your exact location, but I have two therapists to recommend. They are both women, and can offer you individual therapy or therapy with your husband, if you choose. I know them both personally and one of them is my personal therapist. They are both experienced and highly trained. Both practice in Mountain View. If this isn't your area, you could definitely give either Susan or Mary a call and I'm sure they would help you find someone in your area.
Susan Buchholz, PhD, ###-###-####
Mary Tabor, MFT, ###-###-####.

I hope you find some peace in your day. And stay away from the baby aisle at the grocery store!
A.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.D.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi V.,

I'm so very, very sorry for your losses. This is indeed traumatizing and painful. Consider seeing a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT). They are licensed by the state and deal with issues like this. You'll have to find someone you click with, as some will be a better fit for what you're looking for. I have several friends of mine who are therapists -- just respond here and I can send you the information so you can interview them and see if there's a fit. Or you can call your insurance and see if they have referrals in your area.

You may also consider seeing a perinatologist or endocrynologist (fertility expert), if you haven't done that already. They will have better backgrounds in high risk pregnancies than a typical OB/GYN, and they may be able to assist in figuring out what may be causing your miscarriages, if that's possible.

I wish you all the best in your healing.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.P.

answers from Sacramento on

I am so sorry for your loss. I have had 4 miscarriages, one was a later 2nd trimester miscarriage and completely devastating. I understand the pain, misery and the feeling of paralysis about moving on. If you are in the Sacramento area the group Sharing Parents is an excellent group that I highly recommend. Their support groups helped both me and my husband to process our feelings of loss. Here'e the link: www.sharingparents.org.
Be patient and kind to yourself.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Dear V.,
I saw several counselors before I found one that was right for me. If you go see someone and don't feel like going a second time, trust yourself. You'll find the one that works for you.

In the end, the person who helped me was Diana Lynch in Berkeley. She's a therapist, an elder, and a Buddhist. (I'm not Buddhist, but I did love her perspective.)

Best wishes,
E.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.W.

answers from San Francisco on

V., I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I know the depth of grief that you're in all too well - My daughter was stillborn at 30 weeks gestation over 3 years ago. What helped me immensely was joining support an online support group called SPALS, which stands for Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss: http://www.spals.com/ I also joined a support group that was offered at my hospital which was extremely therapeutic. Here's the link to services that are in your area: http://www.handsupport.org/ I hope you get what you need to cope with your losses. Remember that it's okay to cry and that there is no "right" way to grieve.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.T.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi V.,

I am so glad you are reaching out for support here. And I am sorry that you have been struggling alone for as long as you have been.

Grief is such a difficult thing and each person moves through it in their own way. How you are responding is absolutely normal. You can be fine one minute and overcome the next.

Please be gentle with yourself. Don't criticize your emotions. We can be so hard on ourselves - but it doesn't help. It just makes us feel bad for feeling bad. Know that your grief is real. Your connection to your unborn children is real. Your loss is real. You not only grieve the loss of your baby, but you grieve the loss of your dreams of a lifetime together. And I'm sure that on top of your grief, you have fears of never having a baby.

Please reach out for support everywhere you can. I have a hunch you are are a private person and are unaccostomed to sharing your pain with others. But we all need help to get through difficult times. Don't hide your emotions from your husband, family or friends. Let them know that you are struggling. Let them help you - they don't even have to "do" anything. Just being there and knowing that you hurt is helpful.

Therapy is an excellent avenue for you. Having someone guide you and reassure you through this process is good. A psychiatrist is a doctor that can prescribe medication to help regulate emotion. This can be helpful (preferable as an adjunct to therapy - not instead of it), but is probably not your first step. I suggest trying therapy with an MFT first, and if necessary, you and your therapist can talk about the need to add medication.

I am a therapist (MFT - Marriage and Family Therapist) in Benicia. This is probably too far for you to travel. But I would be happy to put out some feelers to help you find someone in your area. I can not personally recommend someone - but it would be some names to start with. I could even help guide you through the process of choosing someone if you like.

Feel free to call me at ###-###-#### or email [email protected]____.com

V., know that there are lots of moms out there (far more than just those who respond in writing) who are supporting you and who want your happiness. When it is hard, remember that they support you.

Warmly,
C. Todd, MFT

ps. I just googled grief support for miscarriage and found some online resources. You may have already done this, but if not, try these.

www.silentgrief.com

www.honoredbabies.org

www.miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/de...

www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/grief_issues.html

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.O.

answers from San Francisco on

Oh, V., your message sent me rocketing back 25 years to when I was in your situation, and every pregnant belly I saw was an insult to my grief. Miscarriage--especially repeated ones--is definitely a grievable event, and yet so many people try to encourage you by saying the most inane things like "It's God's will" or "God's trying to tell you something" or "you can just try again" or...I'm sure you can fill in the blanks.

Have you had any fertility counseling yet? After your third miscarriage they finally take you seriously, and I recommend an infertility clinic--I went to Stanford back then--and go through the raft of testing to see if there could be any reason for these miscarriages. That will help to bring, if not peace of mind, at least perhaps a bit more knowlege and feeling that you're doing something. And maybe they'll find something that's fixable and you'll be on your way!

My story: three miscarriages, all first trimester, each one earlier than the previous one. Stanford infertility clinic laparoscopy, genetic testing/counseling and I don't remember what else, revealed only one small anomaly--a reversal in the middle of the number 9 chromosome of my husband. No real meaning there. We decided to try again, and have my progesterone levels tested with a blood test every week (I looked like a junkie!) to see if that was the problem.

But this time it was a successful pregnancy--for no apparent reason--and almost exactly 23 years ago on March 17--St Paddy's Day and three days before my birthday--we finally saw a fetus and a heartbeat!! My son was born--by C section because he was breech--on October 29, 1986 and is a healthy 22 year old now! My miracle baby!

And after him, an 'oops!' pregnancy ended with a 4th month fetal demise--that one threw me for a loop, to say the least--and then later on another successful pregnancy--another boy, who will be 20 in a couple weeks. And finally five years later, my baby girl, my last pregnancy with no more miscarriages in between. She just turned 15!

V., miscarriages suck. They totally do. And believe me, the grief will never go away--only subside. Your story brought me to tears again, and a friend of mine just had a miscarriage and I cried again. One thing that helped me just a little bit was after the first one I tried not to think of them as babies, but as pregnancies, since they were all 'blighted ovum' which means no fetus anyway. The early first trimesters are usually that. (Of course the fourth one was definitely a 'fetal demise' so that didn't work with that one.)

Unfortunately, I don't have a referral to any kind of counselor. You might try the local chapter of...oh, I can't remember the acronym, but it's a support group for parents who have lost pregnancies and babies. Wait, I just googled SIDS support and got this website specifically for miscarriages: amysangels.com. You might take a wander around there. Support groups are good, because you hear other people's stories and learn from them.

V., I wish you the best of luck, I remember your pain so much, and please let me know how it goes. And if you ever want to rant about how unfair miscarriages are while it seems that the rest of the world--especially in Hollywood--is happily pregnant, feel free to get in touch.

All the best,

L. O'Loughlin
###-###-####
[email protected]____.com

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.S.

answers from San Francisco on

V.,

I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. I can understand your pain- I lost my little angel last year....What helped me is bereavement counseling-- I called the hospital, got the number of a counselor from them and saw them regularly for a long time. It really helped because they knew what they were talking about and were very empathetic and caring. You have suffered a tremendous loss and you need someone to talk to and be there to help you grieve. I would suggest calling the hospital and asking for the bereavement services/counseling and or neonatal/infant loss etc. They should be able to help you. Also, most services are free or if not at a reduced fee. There are also support groups which I found to be really helpful to actually see and talk with other women who have experienced the loss that I had. Big hugs to you and its great that you reached out.. there is help available.

Take care,

Molly

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.R.

answers from Sacramento on

This will sound a little funny and different but there is something called EFT (emotional freedom technique). Kind of like acupuncture for emotions but with out the needles. I have heard amazing things about this and I am going in for my first one in a few days. The link below with help you find someone in your area.

http://www.masteringeft.com/EFTPR/US-California.htm

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.T.

answers from Stockton on

Hi V.,
I had 3 miscarriages last year - so I know how you feel.
This last one seems to be the hardest to get over physically and mentally - I can't watch diaper commercials and I gained 30 lbs. trying to fill the hole in my heart with chocolate. I realized after I called my husband forthe 3rd time to tell him the baby died that I knew exactly what to say and how to tell him so he wouldn't worry about me driving home. I got so ANGRY - because I realized I was now an expert at telling him. I shouldn't have this as a life skill! I was angry for the first month and then the sadness caught up with me and didn't fade. We have Kaiser insurance, so I called & made an appointment with my GP and got a referral to the psychiatric dept. I am seeing a social worker once a month and can call her as needed - we hit it off great - just lucky I guess. Her name is Marie Hall - she's at Tracy Kaiser.
Meanwhile, a gaziliion blood tests later and a few scans and they can't figure out why I keep miscarrying and told me to try again and call back in 4 months If I'm not pregnant again. SO, that really sent me off the deep end for a while too. I feel like we're twisitng in the wind out here - could be 'cuz we live in Mountain House...
Anyway, all the crazy hormone changes definitely affect your mood and ability to think clearly - that does get better in time - but you do need to go through the grief process and a guide like a therapist is a great idea. There are support groups too - but I'm not comfortable with that so I went the private route.
Feel free to talk to me anytime. I know this really feels like you've fallen down a deep hole and can't see a way out.
I cry in Safeway all the time.
Also, I have a good book on miscarriage that gets into the emotional recovery side of it. I got it off Amazon.com - I'd be happy to pass it on to you - it explains the physical stuff too.
You sound as normal as me - not saying much, but hey at least you've got someone to vent at.
I am so sorry for your losses.
Hang in there - call your OBGYN - they should have therapists on file that have dealt with your situation.
go get a massage - take a little time to spoil yourself - it really helps.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.G.

answers from San Francisco on

V.,

You have been through so much loss, and it is perfectly normal that you are feeling so down and that you need some help to work through your grief. I am so sorry for all you have gone through.

In a nutshell, psychiatrists are MDs who can prescribe meds. They often do talk therapy/behavior modification as well but not always. Psychologists have advanced degrees in psychology and work with various types of talk therapies and behavior modifications. If you need meds, a psychologist can make that suggestion, and then you can talk to your primary care to get a scrip. Sometimes psychologists and psychiatrists team up with one refering patients to the other for meds and the other direction for therapy. Be sure to find someone with a Ph.D, not just a master's degree or other certification. I'm sure there are many fine counselors without a Ph.D, but a Ph.D ensures that the therapist has received the highest level of education. Next, in my opinion, you need to think about what kind of therapy would feel most comfortable for you. The two most prevalent types of counseling (assuming you are not looking for psychoanalysis -- Freudian stuff) are cognitive and behaviorial. Personally, I think a combo is best, but you might be comfortable with something else. This is way oversimplified, but cognitive talk therapy is what you probably think of when you think about going to therapy. With a different issue (e.g., a bad relationship), the therapist would ask you a lot about your past, not just your current situation, how it makes you feel, etc., and try to get to the root of why you make the decisions you do, etc. An example of a pure behaviorist approach would be what I had to do when I saw my dog get attacked by another dog. I couldn't get the images out of my head -- basically post-traumatic stress flashbacks. My aunt is a psychologist and suggested that everytime my brain brought up the attack I immediately imagine my dog (who recovered from the attack) being her playful, happy self. Eventually, the brain learns to go to those happy thoughts and not the traumatic ones. This worked very well for me in this specific situation. As I mentioned before, I think a combo approach is often best, where you can talk about the loss you are feeling and also have behavior modification strategies for when you find yourself feeling particularly sad, angry, scared -- whatever you are going through. I think many psychologists mix these approaches. I would highly suggest "interviewing" potential therapists on the phone to make sure the approach feels comfortable for you. For example, some people want more talking, some want less. As for grief counselors, I am not familiar with what credentials they have. If you find a grief counselor with a Ph.D in psychology, that sounds like it could be a great fit. Again, though, interview the counselor ahead of time. I wish you much peace and strength.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Big hugs...

I would seek out bereavement counseling. Even though you never went through the birthing process... you still lost your little ones, especially the one later in your pregnancy. Men have a hard time realizing how connected a woman feels right away to that which is living and growing inside of her.

I would NOT suggest a psychiatrist. Those are medical doctors who will simply give you a pill... which in the end could make it even harder for you to carry to full term.

Good luck and my thoughts are with you! :)

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.A.

answers from Sacramento on

Hi V.,
My heart goes out to you and your husband. You are on the right track just by posting this and reaching out for help. I can feel your pain. I too have experienced many late term miscarriages myself. (All 4 to 6 months along) for a total of Six to be exact. I have since been blessed with one strong and healthy little boy. Not so little these days, he's 9 now.

Even during my sixth month with him, all of my specialist doctors told me not to hold out hope. But we did hold on to hope, and he was born. I had many different problems maintaining a pregnancy past 6 months. I credit my son's birth to my OBGYN, Dr. Rita Biessen-Bradley. And guess what? My son's name is Bradley! She is a wonderful Dr. and saw me through all of my losses and the one blessing which is truly in part due to her great medical care and concern.

V., What area do live in? I do have a very good recommendation, but she is in Auburn, CA. You will get through this and from the sound of your post, you are doing the right thing by seeking help. Everyone handles these kinds of profoundly traumatizing experiences differently. My own personal anguish over my losses are mine and no one will never know what I went through. What you have and still are experiencing, no one will ever truly know or understand. And that's OK.

Feel free to contact me for the recommendation if Auburn is in your area. Good luck to you and try to hold on to the fact that your husband loves you and he too is experiencing his own loss but not might show it like we do. Men most often need to be the strong ones during times like this. What I did not realize is that my husband was suffering far more than he ever led on.

Good luck to both you and your husband. Feel free to contact me for any reason.

Sincerely,
L. A

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.L.

answers from San Francisco on

Dear V.,
I'm sorry to hear about your losses, it is not easy to go through something like this. I do not know a specific grief counselor, but I am a psychologist in training at a great place called Process Therapy Institute in Los Gatos, CA. If you're local to the SF Bay area, you can check them out at www.processes.org. You need either a psychologist or grief counselor to process your feelings about the losses and grieve them. A grief counselor or a psychologist would be helpful for that; psychiatrists specialize in severe mental disorders which they usually treat with drugs. At PTI, there are many great therapists, and if you want I can check out who specializes in grieving. We also have a program which is low cost, where you could work with trainees under supervision of two great professional psychologists. If you're interested, please e-mail me directly and I can find out the names for you. Or some other people may recommend people they know.
One last thing, if you find yourself reacting emotionally to some sensitive or sad stories, it is normal, it indicates that your emotional process of grieving is very much present and you have not yet gone through it completely. Please be kind to yourself and allow time to heal, and some professional help will be useful. I had a difficult experience in my life about 10 years ago (it involved a loss of a loved person, he did not die, but I could not be with him) it took me many years to heal, and I completed this process when I had my own therapy a few years ago. So, it takes time and support, but you will heal. Please e-mail me, if you need more info. Best regards,
E.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.C.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi V.~
I am so saddened to hear of your situation. There is a website called: Centre for Living with Dying. (It's part of the Bill Wilson Center in Santa Clara. It is a great resource. I am sending you the link (I hope I copied and pasted it correctly).
http://www.billwilsoncenter.org/thecentre/pro_comm.shtml

Good luck to you. I hope this helps.

Lucy B.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

N.J.

answers from San Francisco on

Your letter breaks my heart. There are a couple of really good books about miscarriage and stillbirth losses that might be helpful to read. I heard their authors in an interview on NPR radio 6 to 8 years back and gave them to a friend who had just suffered such a loss. Amazon might be able to track them down for you. Sorry I cannot remember either the titles or authors.

The organization KARA has counselors for all kinds of grief and yours is one that is often ignored even by friends and family. They just do not know how to help and often do not know how you feel that the child you lost was just as real to you as the loss of a full term newborn or older baby would have been. The KARA counselors have had training and understanding and would be my recommendation for a place to look for some help.

I think that the reason you cry is not only because you are still in grief about your own loss but you have a compassionate heart and hate to see other people grieving for whatever reason. Very normal.

Bless your heart. I hope you get some help soon. It is hard to carry around such sorrow. I hope you get some concrete help.

N.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.C.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi V.,

I'm very sorry for your loss. You may want to check out HAND which is Helping After Neonatal Death. It's a nonprofit organization that helps parents with their loss of their child, before, during, and after their birth. Their website is www.handonline.org. It's a wonderful organization that is conducted in a group setting where parents can share their experiences and give one another support. This organization has helped me tremendously with my loss of my son 6 years ago. I am still grieving each and everyday but things are better now.

Take care and blessings.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

W.A.

answers from Salinas on

I saw a grief counselor with my miscarriage, and my husband and I went to a marriage counselor, too. That helped tremendously. We figured out how to live together with our grief; I realized we couldn't grieve in the same way, and that was okay. It took almost a year to get past how angry I was and how helpless I felt. I hope this helps.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.L.

answers from Sacramento on

V., I am new here in Sac...but I would call your obgyn and ask to have a nurse call you back. When she does just simply state you are needing to talk to a counselor to work out issues with your miscarriages and that you'd like to know whom the dr. refers her patients to.....The nurse may ask you a couple more questions, and then that is it. It's a very emotional subject. Hope that helps. All dr.'s will have thier go to dr. on certain issues and your obgyn should have this dr. at the top of her list.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.S.

answers from San Francisco on

I am very sorry for the pain you are feeling. Having lost several babies myself I can only share what helped me.
You must get through the grief process. I know that someone you loved and cared for has died so it is natural to be sad. Don't let anyone tell you "its ok, or you'll get over it" because it is not ok. Yes the pain lessens with time but it took me going through 4 losses to finally have my first baby. I had to avoid baby showers for a while as well because it hurt to see baby things and think what I was missing. My friends were great and my husband was a hero . My prayers are with you, NanaG

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.H.

answers from San Francisco on

Hello V.,

I am a psychotherapy intern and your story moved me to respond. I would recommend that you seek a psychotherapist who specializes in grief. You are right when you say that you have been traumatized by your multiple miscarriages. You have suffered great losses - losing a child is profoundly sorrowful. A psychiatrist is more apt to give you medication, and right now, I think you need to express your feelings and deeply grieve.

I wish you love, peace, and serenity.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.C.

answers from San Francisco on

V.,

I am so sorry for your losses. What helped me was grief counseling with my chaplain and going to a support group. The support group was tremendous - it was so helpful to me to know that other women had similar experiences and that what I was feeling was "normal." At the time, I was in Southern California so I can't recommend anyone specifically, but I believe there is a support group at John Muir Medical Center for women who have had miscarriages.

Hugs - C.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.B.

answers from Redding on

Dear V.,
I'm so sorry for your losses.
It won't make you feel any better for now, but it might help to know that you are definitely not alone.
I would talk to your OB/GYN and let them know what's going on and ask for a referral so you can see someone to talk to. You may just be going through a normal grieving process and then again, you may have depression that medication can help you with.
Your feelings of loss are very real and I think you'll find that having someone to help you process all you've been through will be beneficial. You don't have to try to get through this on your own.
I wish you the very best. I really do.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

W.H.

answers from Phoenix on

So very sorry. ((((HUGS))))

You sound perfectly normal to me, really.

These expressions come from somewhere: "shoulder to cry on" "this too shall pass" "time heals" "grieving process"

I dont think you can go see a shrink and/or take anti-depressants and snap, you're not sad anymore. You WANTED those babies, you LOST them, of COURSE you're grieving and sad! It would not be part of the human experience to never be sad.

All that said, if you are still functional, just emotional, you're fine. If however, you begin to feel paralyzed, if you cannot cope with day to day tasks (crying while you're doing them is fine), then maybe yes you need some help.

Cry, talk(and cry)with friends, especially those who have had a similar experience or can understand.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.T.

answers from Sacramento on

V. my heart goes out to you. I sympathize with you completely. I had two miscarriages within a year and a half. After the second one I just couldn't seem to come out of the haze and sadness that I felt. My personality changed from an outgoing and gregarious person to someone who didn't want to talk to anyone. After a year, I finally talked to my doctor about it and she prescribed me a very mild anti-depressant. She explained to me that in a situational depression like mine that the chemicals in your brain are altered and that even with counseling or trying to work through it may not be able change it back to normal. The med that I took was one that I could go off of easily so that I could try again for a baby when I was ready and felt better. After a couple months on the medication I started feeling better and after six months I was back to my old self and was ready to try to conceive again and ended up with a beautiful baby boy. I would recommend you talk to your doctor and hopefully they will give you some options that can help you through this overwhelming sadness. I also think it was helpful to have a great therapist to talk with also. For me, the med and talking through it with someone helped greatly. My prayers are with you!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.C.

answers from San Francisco on

Dear V., I don't know a grief counselor, but I do know that deeply mourning losses like yours is very normal, and that people don't always give you the consideration or understanding you need because they are "only" miscarriages. Don't feel like you HAVE TO get over it right away. Go ahead and sob your eyes out. Crying can provide you with needed relief. You definitely will recover faster if you have family and/or friends around that can give you the emotional support you need. Obtaining some medical advice to understand and deal with the causes of your miscarriages and prevention of future problems will also be constructive. I hope the best for you.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.C.

answers from San Francisco on

V., I am so sorry for your losses - all of what you are feeling is "normal". Alta Bates Summit Medical Center has a group called SAND - support after neonatal death - that meets on the first and third Wednesdays from 7 to 9 pm at 3030 Telegraph Ave in Berkeley. You can call the facilitator at ###-###-#### to talk to her and make sure of the meeting time/place - this might really help you. Good luck.
E.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.G.

answers from San Francisco on

I would suggest seeking a therapist, period. MFT's, Psychologist, Pychiatrists are all going to be helpful but the most important thing is your comfort level with them. If you're not getting actual recomendations, really figure out if you're going to want a female therapist or if you don't mind a man...etc...I am a MFT intern, about to become licensed and can only imagine the grief that comes with such an experience, not to mention more than once, twice! My heart goes out to you. But again, like I tell a lot of people looking for a therpist, you have to "try them on," not all therapists, even if they specialize in what you're needing, will be the right fit for you so try to give someone at least 2 sessions before deciding. Also, I would guess that aside from grief therapy, you may also be falling into/already into a depression of sorts so keep that in mind also. Best of luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.J.

answers from San Francisco on

V. - First of all I'm sorry for your loss. I too have been in your shoes and know what you are going through. ( I now have two beautiful children) The first thing you need to remember is that - you can get pregnant. If you feel something might be going on causing the miscarriages ask your OB to look into it for you. Most the time it's just nature doing it's thing. Reaching out to your mom friends will help a lot, don't be afraid to share what you have been through - you'll be surprised how many people have gone through miscarriages. Knowing you're not along can be very helpful. If you feel you still need a professional your OB should have some to refer you to.
Best of luck
K.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.R.

answers from Bakersfield on

Hi V.,

I'm so sorry you are having trouble with miscarriages. I don't know what area you live but you maybe able to find a community outreach through your local Mental Health facility. They have community groups in many areas that help one another from the loss of a child. There is a world-wide organization you may find of help to you. The website is www.compassionatefriends.org. You can look up and see where the closest chapter is located. I am the editor of the Bakersfield chapter and send out newsletters to parents that have lost a child. My website is [email protected]____.com if you want to contact me and I can send you a brochure on the loss of a baby or infant. I'll keep you in my prayers.

D.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

F.S.

answers from Modesto on

Dear V.,

I know that what has happened to you is heartbreaking and certainly difficult to understand. Talking it out with a counselor is a good plan. It is imperative that you articulate your feelings. It's not healthy to save grief up inside of you.
Another thing that is really healthy is meditation. There are lots of books and CD's that can help you learn if you've never done it. Meditation is a way to really know what is inside your spiritual self. It lights your path and gives you understanding. I know this might sound too "new age" for you. But I have tried it and helped me very much with some serious challenges I faced in my past.
When I meditate, I learn about me but I also get closer to the why of so many things. I see new ways of solving problems that I didn't have a clue about before.
Also, my sharing my experiences and thoughts with you makes me realize that we don't all have to struggle through difficulties alone; we have other women who have traveled the same path and they have learned lessons that they are willing to share with the women behind them.
I wish I'd known what an incredible resource other women can be.....it would have saved me so much heartache.
I can think of avenues you can explore to fulfill the needs of your heart, but I don't really believe you need my suggestions about what to do. You already know the answers because they lie within your loving spirit. You have love and you need to share it.....Meditating will show you how.

My heartfelt blessings to you, daughter.
Frances

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.U.

answers from Redding on

My condolences to you & I hope & pray you will receive the help you are seeking.
I am a Reflexologist & Minister & work with alot of people with grief issues. www. Helpguide.org is a great site that is ad free & a great read for grief/effects of stress. A reflexologist with good training can help you balance the energies & release retained stresses of experiences, help you process and help you feel wonderful. Reflexology relaxes, improves flexibility (body, mind & spirit), improves circulation & improves overall health (balance those hormones), promotes healing. It strengthens the systems & with God, I have helped women conceive.
Look for a Reflexologist not just someone who does reflexology...altho spa reflexology is relaxing as well, just sometimes not as comprehensive as a treatment (and there may be a reflexologist working in a spa). I am not posting this as a promo for relexology--I myself experience much in the way of healing when I receive it, & have in the past when family members have passed. It is great that you have reached out for help. Blessings.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.N.

answers from San Francisco on

I wish I had someone to refer you to, but I just wanted to assure you that "spontaneous" crying is a normal part of grief! I "only" had two miscarriages, one second and one first trimester, but for up to a year after each I could be found to burst into tears over the any story--happy or sad. And don't forget the havoc your changing hormones can play on your body and emotions. I hope you do find someone great, but in the mean time know that you are not alone and that you are normal!!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.Z.

answers from Yuba City on

V.-

There are some great links in here for you to research. I just wanted to tell you I've been through 5 miscarriages, all were awful. But the good news is I now have 5 beautiful baby girls. I cannot replace the babies I've lost, but I still live a life blessed. I do empathize and send prayers for your healing.

D.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

H.J.

answers from San Francisco on

I think I would talk to a midwife or doula. Also, if you haven't yet, get your progesterone levels checked. After 2 miscarriages, this turned out to be my issue, and it was easily fixed--just a cream to rub on at night during first trimester. I'm sorry for your losses.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches