Seeking Advice on Neighborhood Kids

well you see K. it is usually (1) that is the leader. she is the one that gets the girls all rawl up find out who she is and nip it in the bud, talkto the parents(of all the girls) and solve the problem now!

Hi K.,
I have had so much experience with this, I feel like a queen,,LOL From the time my daughter was in kindergarten all the way thru graduation from High School, my house was the meeting place. I fed, doctored, refereed every child on the block plus whoever wanted to come by for awhile, or come home with her all those years. It just about drove me nuts to start with, then I took the mentality that I would rather they be here, and I know where my daughter was and what was going on, than for her to be somewhere else. I remember times like one day we had worked in the yard all day long, I came in and ordered a pizza for supper. When the pizza was delivered, from the street to the door every kid got a piece or two. My husband then got a couple of pieces and I ate a bologna sandwich,,LOL Then it seemed like the night they all graduated it just quit over night. Boy did I have empty nest syndrome for awhile with no one coming, but then when that past, I was so relieved and really started to enjoy peace and quiet, repairing my house with new carpet and so on. I went thru all their drama of high school handled everything that came along with each and every one of them. For those who finally started partying in high school, which weren't many but a few, I was the call contact instead of their parents if they needed someone at any time of night boys or girls either one. I was as close to all of them as my own daughter. When they hurt, I hurt, when they were happy, I was happy for them. There were times I didn't even know who was going to be here and who I was going to step over of the morning when I got up as they got older.
This is how I handled all that. I treated them as my own!!! They had to obey the rules just like my daughter did or else. When they were little, yes, goodness yes, they were so many fights, one would get jealous because several more wanted to play house, and this one didn't. A lot of that with boys that were here,,LOL They would stub up and start arguing or actually fighting! I believe in spanking and did my own, but I never laid a finger on any of the other kids, yet they had a fear and believed I would, so as soon as it would start, I would set them in chairs apart from the rest. I told them here at this house, they would play fair, all play together or they would go home and not come back. When their time was up in the chairs I would tell them they could go play again if they thought they could without arguing, but if they didn't think they could it would be best for them to go home for the day. Or I'd stick my head out the door and holler "if all you all don't quit fighting I'm coming out with a switch",,LOL I never made a difference in any of them at all thru all those years. Also thru those years, there was only ONE girl that didn't listen to me at all. When she would get mad at the others, she would come in the house and tell on them all, then set down in front of the TV. I tried it all on her, tried talking to her, nothing helped and after awhile, I told her she was not going to come here to PLAY and end up in front of the TV inside. I would turn off the TV and tell her to go on and play, but she would refuse. I finally told her to go home and not come back till she could play with the rest of the kids right. She was only about 9 or 10 at the time and she smarted off and told me I couldn't' tell her what to do, I wasn't her boss. THAT was a mistake! LOL I said, Little girl, you are in my house! I WILL tell you what to do when you are here, and you will like it! If you don't, you will go home and not come back ever again! You are not going to come here and act like this when all the other kids are playing. She smarted off again and told me to shut up! I said, You get your stuff and you go home NOW! I am calling your mother! She pushed my hand on that, and I did call her mother and told her she wasn't allowed to come here anymore. Of course they never spoke to us any more after that, but the rest of the kids were still fine. So I figure if I lost one child in all those years, and not more, I was flying.I might not have handled that well at the time, but that incident too made the others see I meant business so there was never any thing that wasn't handled after that with the other kids.
To this day no matter where I am when I see any of them that has passed thru my home, they come running to hug
"mommy 2" and tell me how much they miss me or miss coming here. I loved them all dearly, and do miss that "sometimes", LOL until sanity hits again,,LOL But I told you all this to say, SET YOUR RULES. Whatever rules you choose, make it known to the neighbors and their parents also! Let them all know they will all have to abide by the rules no matter or what or they won't be coming there to play.Here they even knew 8:30 was the cut off in the summer time, everybody had to go home at 8:30. So what ever you want, let them all know, treat them all the same, and it will work out. The mean and hateful part kinda comes natural with kids, but you can also stop that. Tell them all they may be mean and hateful somewhere else if need be, but that is not allowed at your house. Everyone must act nice and behave at your house. Work it out, you can do it to make them all happy including yourself. Just be firm and plain! People understand that more than anything, don't beat around the bush to the parents or children either one. Good luck! I'm sure you can come up with something as I did, you won't be sorry that your child has friends coming around in the long run and they will come to you some day and thank you for your firmness too! God Bless!

When my daughter was that age, and that's about the time it starts, she had similar problems. As long as they played one-on-one they were fine, but add just one more and sparks soon began to fly because the dynamics would change - one of them would invariably try to take control of the other two. I think it's just the way girls are wired, I can remember experiencing the same kind of problems when I was a child. I disagree with Dawn about "laying down the law" to them, but I do think it's important that when you hear them being ugly to each other or "catty," to talk to them and teach them that being mean to one another is no way to treat their friends. I would always address them as "ladies" and they would think that was funny, then I would talk to them about how they were treating each other. I was usually able to defuse most situations and they would continue playing just fine. I also think it's important to talk to their moms about it and explain your observations in such a way as to not blame any one child for the disagreements.

This is not an issue of discipline, but rather one of teaching them how to get along with each other and to be nice. Women can be SO catty and hateful sometimes, but we need other women as girlfriends - a dynamic lost on men. This is a very important time in your daughter's life when she really starts learning to interact with other girls and the best person to learn it from is her mother. If she sees her mother being kind and having healthy "girlfriend" relationships, she will learn this behavior. Conversely, if you are quick to place blame and attempt to control the situation THIS is the behavior she will learn. It's the difference between teaching them to "keep score" or teaching them to turn the other cheek. Remember, these are Life skills she is starting to learn now so help her learn to be positive.

My daughter is now 25 and is very well-adjusted with many friends. She has one older and one younger brother. I too was an only daughter with 2 older brothers. Something I have noticed among my friends is that those with sisters have less of a need for close girlfriends than those of us without sisters. Encourage that bond with her younger sister, but teach her to be kind and sweet to her friends and if the friends are hateful, she will soon turn her back on them all on her own.

Mean girls are everywhere so moving won't help. All kids start out thinking they are the center of the universe, and only over time do they begin to realize differently, and along the way parents need to teach their kids how to deal with it all. Competition and selfishness come naturally in children, but they still need to learn how to cope with that at every stage of their lives. You should definitely coach your daughter on how best to behave in these situations and how to deal with mean people in general, but I don't see any reason why you shouldn't go out there to the girls and help them all sort out the problem in the moment. Maybe these other girls need more guidance than they're getting at home, but either way, I think you are well within your rights to step in and teach them all how to get along.

Don't start by shouting and yelling at them though. Walk up and calmly say something like, "It looks like you girls need some help here. It's okay to disagree and argue with your friends, but there's a correct way to do it, and I'm going to teach you how." Then talk to them about what the problem is and ask them for ideas on how they can repectfully say what they need to say. If they can't come up with anything, offer your own suggestions. Do a little role play with them and pretend to be one of the girls and act out an appropriate exchange and have them give it a try. Praise them for a job well done, and encourage them to try the new techniques again. We may assume that kids this age know how to do these kinds of things, but we all know that it takes constant practice to deal nicely with people when we want to be anything but nice.

If you're comfortable talking to the other kids' parents, let them know what you're doing. You don't have to point fingers but just mention that you've noticed how meanly the girls treat each other and you're trying to teach them better ways of handling charged situations. Maybe some of the other parents will start stepping in too, but if they seem to want to leave it up to you, you'll have to accept that. And if any of the girls get truly out of line, march them home and have them tell their parents what they did. I think kids today really miss out on having the whole neighborhood "parent" them. People are too afraid of what others will say or they take it too personally when their kids misbehave (maybe they should, but that's a different story!). Good luck!

hello kristy. i have three girls, ages 10, 6, and 5. because i have a big yard and because i like to keep an eye on my children, most of the neighborhood kids play in my yard. last year we had new kids move to the neighborhood and we had arguing almost all summer. she did this..he said that...ect. we even had bullying. then i decided it was my childrens yard and they had a right to play without all the fuss and i certainly was not going to let them be bullied. so we made new rules....if you cant share, if you call names, if dont take turns, you go home. after that things settled down some. true, we had fewer kids in the yard but we had more peace. just say what you mean and mean what you say. i hope this helps you out.

Unfortunately, even if you moved, you would find the same problem again! I have 2 sons (12 & 10) and 1 girl (8.5), and also have been an elem. teacher before staying at home. I have noticed this behavior is definitely worse with girls - and it starts around age 7/8. But not ALL girls are like this, it just seems there is at least a couple no matter where you go. My dtr is one that doesn't understand (YET, and hopefully it will stay this way) why everyone isn't always friends with everyone else. It really upsets her when the girls in her class get "cliquish" and start bad-mouthing each other. I just tell her to be nice to everyone and if someone isn't being nice, either to her or about/to someone else, to tell them to be nicer, and then not to play with them if they continue the behavior. Thankfully, there are more "nice" girls than there are "mean" ones, but we also have to remember that these girls' hormones are starting to affect them alot earlier than when we were kids. Girls especially, are looking to set themselves apart as being special, and if that means bringing others down, unfortunately they do it! Awful, isn't it?

My boys had a similar problem with the two neighbor boys we used to live near, but the fights were more typical of siblings - indicating they spent far too much time together! Luckily, their mom was like me, and if the fighting got out of hand, we would send the others home until they could calm down. Unlike, girls, boys get over things easier, in general!

Your girl sounds alot like mine, and we just have to teach them to recognize who is actually their FRIEND, and to be there for their good friends and support each other as girls... We need that our whole lives, which is why we have groups like this right??? :)

Keep the faith and enjoy the good times while you can!
A.

unfortunately you have just experienced the wrath of girls. they start now and it never ends. i dont know why as girls, teens and women, we are all so mean to each other. even now, im the mother of two children, and i find myself distancing myself from the other moms in my church, because of the petty and, excuse my language, bitchy, attitudes. i think that all you can do, aside from locking your daughter away, is to talk to her about the right way to treat people. and talk about it after every time she plays with these other girls. no matter how wonderful your daughter is, she will always find girls who are just plain mean, and you just need to make sure that she is not one of them. good luck, three more years and ill be in that boat with you. cant wait. yeah right.

K.,
Next time you hear them being ugly to each other, go out there and lay down the law. If you know where they live, take them home yourself, and stand there while you have them tell their parents what they have said to the other little girls. The only reason they do it is because they think they can get away with it. I saw this way too much while teaching. It's not only girls either, its boys too. I have to go into teacher mode from time to time when I take my son to the playground. Sometimes the kids run all over each other on the playground and use foul language. I always ask them where their parents are and tell them I am going to sit right here and wait until their parents show up to let them know how ugly they have acted. My husband says I am "mean" but if anything, the kids need to know that they can't act anyway they want just because their parents are not around (and I don't want my little "parrot" to be picking up such dirty words). Good luck...

I agree with everyone that its boys and girls. We had a similar situation but there was actually a boy who was getting violent. Speaking with the mother did not help - she is NEVER home and never outside with the children, but didn't believe any of our stories (another mother and myself) regarding the situations. We made a rule that this child was not allowed in either of our yards unless his mother (not older sister or brother) was outside. Needless to say this did not go over well and unfortunately there were other siblings involved. However, we're not concerned about this child getting violent with our kids anymore. Even though I'm not always outside I go out every 10 or 15 minutes and "listen". They may or may not know I'm there, I may take the dog so it appears I'm just walking the dog and not spying. Whenever I hear inappropriate behaviour I just interject that that's not nice or acceptable or whatever and that if we can't play nice together someone is going to have to play elsewhere. I talk to my kids about the way that we are allowed to express ourselves and things we can say but that we can't always control others. When you don't care for or agree with what someone is doing you have to remove yourself from the situation. If the play is in our yard and you are ready for those that are not being nice to leave - come get me and I will coordinate a game or playtime or ask those children to go home.

Girls are just plain mean. My 14 yr old has the same problems and so does my 9 year old. We moved because the girls were so mean and the parents didn't care. Perhaps you can make it so only 1 person comes to play and if more come-be right there and make gentle corrections and then tell the parent-hey today the girls played and it got a little bit ugly so I told all of them that they need to be kind to one another and treat each other with respect and share. Be polite and sweet and say you are keeping her informed about what happened at the house. If the kids come to you-you have more control-if they play outside then groups are a little easier (play ball, jumprope, ride bikes). Perhaps the parents in the neighborhood feel the same way-you can ask if they have seen the same thing and then as a group maybe you can all come together and share the same message to all the kids. Good luck!

Have you thought of talking to the parents? YOu could also try a sleep over at your house where you can monitor what is going on better and get a grasp on why they start fighting. Tell them do you like playing with ....? respond with yes, then why are you mean to each other? just a thought!

K.,
I know how it is. You can't always pick your neighbors, so make the best of it, right? I've found that the neighborhood children will behave better when a parent is outside with them. Put on your sneakers and participate! My kids love when I bring out the jump rope or frisbee. This is how you 1)get to know the kids, 2)spend family time with your own, 3)supervise in a fun way, 4)guide them toward appropriate activities and 5)get some exercise. The time and effort you put into this will come back to you tenfold, I promise!

Maybe try inviting some of the other kids 'in' for a fun time of games (even group games that don't need any equipment, like word games), snacks, a good family movie, etc. and make their play a unifying experience instead of 'exclusive' and divisive. The old adage, 'two's company, three's a crowd' is displayed among kids better than in adult life, but they all need to learn to be inclusive!

My daughter is currently 11 but when she was around 8/9 she had the same problem with the neighborhood girls. At the time there were 4 of them living almost right next to each other and all about the same age an dit was just a you said, they would be fine for awhile and then arguements and at one point even a physical fight (no punching, just scratching and hair pulling, but still a fight none the less) at one time it got to the point where 2 became best friends and the other 2 became best friends and they wouldn't play together but they still lived close and rode the bus together so there where still problems, especially the few times they did try and play together. The other moms knew about the problems also, we talked it out and said that if when they are together we see or hear anyone saying or doing anything mean to one of the others then play time was over for everyone. Because sometimes they would gang up on just one of the girls and kick her out of the group. This way if they wanted to be mean and kick people out, everybody would basically be kicked out and no one would be left alone to go home crying to mom. I can't really say if this is what worked or if they just grew up some and matured but they all seem to get along fine now. I think it is a bit of a girl thing though and definately at this age they need to be in even numbers you can have 2 or 4 but never 3 because the third is always left out or picked on and it is usually a different one on different occasions. I don't know if the other moms know what is going on, but it is worth a try, as long as you don't go in accusing that their child is the problem but that all of them including yours is the problem. And if you all work together it might be better for everyone. Good Luck Jenny