Seeking Advice on Dealing with Pregnancy

I do not have any specific advice for wishing for a girl however I am a mother of 2 boys and do hope to experience what it is like to have a girl someday... having 2 boys is wonderful! They have created a bond (at ages 5 & 2) already that is amazing to watch. Having more than one child, my best advice to anyone is to have at least 2. You have given the gift to the both of them that they will always have each other.

S.,

My heart goes out to you, especially in light of some of the judgmental comments you received in response to your post. I am positive that you are well aware that it is a blessing to have children, that you are grateful to have conceived, that you will love this son as much as you love your first. I assume that should go without saying and I don't understand why others would try to provoke guilt in you over this.

It is very valid to experience disappointment and grief when you learn that something you badly wanted isn't going to happen. I had the same feelings at first when I found out I was having a boy last year. Expressing them to my husband and closest friends helped me to expel them and get on with the process of being grateful and loving this boy. But it was disappointing at first - I felt grief for the loss of what I had hoped would be in my future - being the mother of a daughter.

I truly believe that if I had just "focused on the positive" and hadn't voiced those early, negative feelings, they would have taken root and just exploded later on, probably in the form of resenting my son. I don't think that's a risk now - I got them out and that helped tremendously. It really freed me up to see what else I felt about being the mother of a son.

So my suggestion would be to confide in friends and loved ones who will understand and accept your feelings, not judge you for them. And to be gentle with yourself, too. There is no reason to feel guilt. You can work through this as you would any other disappointment/grief and can come out the other end feeling stronger.

I also found the book "It's a Boy! Women Writers on Raising Sons" by Andrea Buchanan to be especially helpful - many chapters are devoted to this exact topic.

Be well... H.

i am so sorry about some of the comments made. this woman is asking for anyone in a similar situation. not to be insensitive, but this board is for mothers to talk to mothers, not those unable(which im very sorry for and would be devastated myself) to judge those of us who do. who is being selfish there.
S., go to babycenter.com and in the forums there is a board dedicated for this. GASP, did you hear that, a whole bunch of moms like this. its called disappointed in gender. if you cant find it, message me and ill send you the link. there are women who totally understand, and no flaming allowed, everyone is very supportive. good luck, and i know you know you will be happy with the baby, but its okay to be disappointed in never having a daughter.

Dear S.,
I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you're feeling and I believe with all my heart that you love this little boy already. I am the mother of 5 little boys and on the way home from my 3rd sono with my then 3rd son to be I cried. I didn't cry because I didn't want a boy, I cried because I, like I think every other person in the world wanted a relationship with a same sex child...a father prays for a boy to play baseball with etc...I cherish the relationship I have with my mother and I wanted that too. Now six years later, 2 boys later I laugh when people ask if I was going for that girl because the truth was by baby 4 and 5 I was praying for a boy...I figure I know what I'm doing with the boys...I have heard from mothers who have both that boys are easier, I can't atest to that but I can promise you that I who felt like you wouldn't trade one of them for anything... and your son now, you are giving him such a special gift, a brother...my boys are all close in age 8,7,6,4,and 18months and they are all best friends... and to be honest I wish I could buy one of those really cute Easter dresses once in awhile but then I think I'm so glad not to be dealing with long hair and bows and Polly Pockets :-) If you need a friend to talk to, you've got one.###-###-####
C.

Hi S.,

I was in a similar situation. I never found out the baby's sex beforehand so I'm not sure how I would've felt. However, with my second pregnancy they had to put me out when they delivered him. Upon waking, I heard my husband say, "we have another boy!" I went back to sleep hoping it had been a dream. I wanted a girl.

Well, I'm happy to say it wasn't dream. I had two boys twenty months apart. Once you see that child you won't even remember why you foolishly thought you'd be disappointed.

I had worried at one point if I could possibly love another child as much as I loved the first. You can and you do...easily.

~C.

It's not quite the same situation because I do have a daughter, but I can relate to how you are feeling. My daughter is the oldest, and I have also have 3 boys. When I was pregnant with my second boy I just knew he was going to be a girl, but he wasn't. Then with my 4th pregnancy I found out it was a boy and I cried. I mean I bawled, and was determined the entire pregnancy that they were wrong. When he was born I cried, and I honestly don't think we truly bonded for several months. He's now 17 months old and he's such a joy. He's a wonderful little guy with a wonderful personality. I will be 37 in May and if someone could guarantee me a girl I would have another one. Just not sure I want 4 boys.
On the thing about age, my sister is 45 and pregnant with her 4th child. Age is just a number. And don't worry about this baby. You will love him right away, even if the bond takes a little while to form.

*edit* I was reading over some of the responses to this post. Some of you should be very ashamed of yourselves. S. came here for compassion and understanding, and to hear from those who have felt the same way she feels. That "get over it" comment was completely uncalled for, and extremely inappropriate. I'm so glad there is that little link that says "report this as inappropriate". I've used it a few times in the past couple of days. I'm sure most of us have parents who taught us that if we don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. It really works in all aspects of life.

We all have moments of sadness or depression when everyone around us thinks we should be overwhelmingly ecstatic. I have friends who may not ever have children - I feel that pain through them. Yes, there is always the possibility of a situation being worse. In my best moments of sadness - that is the hardest thing to remember.

I am so frustrated by the judgmental responses you have gotten and I pray that you can let them go and focus on the supportive ones. For all of you who read back to this - I am sincerely sorry for the misfortune that you are encountering - I would be devastated if I was unable to have children. But your advice is - "count your blessings and how dare you be upset b/c you aren't getting what you want". I have also known people who lost their children to cancer before they were able to have children - some feel blessed just to be alive. I am not trying to say the hardships that life deals are easy (some are so ridiculously hard, I don't know how I would deal). But we should not pass our own judgments onto those who have no idea what it is like to be in that situation. This is not a woman who is stating she wants to harm her child in any way. She is saying, help me find a way. Your criticisms are only designed to make her feel worse. Shame on you all - not for your misfortune in hoping for something that ultimately wasn't (b/c ironically, that's how S. feels, on an entirely different level, I know) but because you are passing your devastation onto her.

S., my advice to you is the same as many other responses here. Talk to your husband, your closest friends (who won't judge you! LOL). I have always found that when i can air my deepest secrets or regrets, the power behind them disappears. And, if that doesn't happen - it still doesn't make you a bad mother - it may mean you are a bit depressed, but there are mental health professionals who can help you deal with that. We can all tell you the positives of having two boys, and I am positive that those good things will show themselves over and over again. But what our minds tell us, and what we are feeling are not always the same. There is nothing wrong with you.

In all likelihood, part of what you are feeling is more in the 'biological clock' you are feeling too. When there is still a possibility of something, the doors remain open. If this were 10 years ago, you may still think about a girl, but may ultimately have never tried anyway and decided at some point that 2 children were enough whether boys or not. But when we know (or decide) that this is it, the end of the road, it makes it harder because we've taken all the hope out of it. Maybe this isn't the end of the road for you being pregnant again, maybe it is. Regardless, you have strong feelings that you need to deal with in order to find contentment within you. We all know you will love this boy, and you may even look back someday and think - AHHH Hormones!!! But hopefully you will never look back with guilt - that only leaves room for regret and life is too short for regret! Good luck - you are in my prayers.

M.

reading back through the responses i'm sorry about those harsh enough to say "get over it", i'm sure that your emotions are completely natural... just because in the big scheme of things it's not the biggest problem you could face, doesn't mean it's not real to you. Everyone has their own obstacles and this is real in your life.
However, let me just tell you that i've been dealing with infertility for 17 months now (going through intensive testing and treatments for the past few months) and it's the hardest thing i've ever done (even harder than my cancer struggles). so i can see where those girls are coming from too. Please realized how blessed you are to even get a wonderful big fat positive on a pregnancy test, because some of us really would die for that! (an amazing song: I Would Die For That by Kellie Coffey that makes me cry every time!).
So even though i'm sure it's very hard to want a girl and get a boy instead (honestly, i hope for a boy!) please try to keep in mind that there are many many women out there who beg God every night to just have one beautiful baby to hold, no matter what it is!
and i'm confident you will love that baby with all your heart the second you lay eyes on him and years down the line you'll look back at this and thank God you have your two beautiful sons!

S.
I know how you feel. I remember when my girlfriend got pregnant, I was so excited for her, we were both jumping for joy, our husbands were thrilled(they are best friends since h.s.), deep down inside I was thrilled because I knew she'd ask me to be the godmom. We planned the nursery and all the baby stuff and not one minute did we ever mention the color blue. We referred to the baby as "her", "she"....we were so sure it was going to be a girl. The day of her sonogram, she called me and in the most sad voice she said...."it's a boy". We had about a good solid minute of silence and I couldn't, nor she, explain what that was. The baby was healthy, all was good, but there was that moment of "what the??". We certainly had to get used to the idea of blue and not pink. The months went by and by the time my godson was born, we loved the thought of blue and any disappointment that we felt was long gone. Your feelings will pass when you lay your eyes on that beautiful baby boy, you'll see. And once he arrives, you'll wonder what the heck life was without him. Boys are alot easier and they will always be the apples of momma's eye. They will always be yours. Little girls belong to their daddies and would end up fighting with you anyway(wink). Don't fret, chin up, shoulders back and think blue!!! Good luck to you!

I have three sons and I too wanted a daughter. As the years have passed I know how blessed I am. My husband had Kennedy's disease which developed later in his life. It is similar to Lou Gherig's disease but slower in progress. You slowly watch things on their body waste away. Males can only pass it along to daughters and females can pass the gene along to either sex. All my husband's brothers who had a daughter were tested and they all carry the gene. How about adopting a girl?

Good luck, M.

First let me say, do not listen to anyone who tells you that you are selfish or otherwise talks down to you, you are entitled to your feelings and should be able to express them, especially here.

Daughter just woke up......will add more later :)

Honestly, I have to respond this way and hope you can understand.
I am currently 37 and will be 38 in June. I have a wonderful daughter who is 5 and eagerly would like her to have a sibling. I have just had my second miscarriage this fall that had to end in a D and C.
So, from my perspecitive, still not preg. and really wanting to be, you get what you get and don't get upset.
In my shoes, I would be thrilled.

Hi S., I can feel your disapointment, somewhat. I had a boy my first child, and I wanted a girl very badly. The doctor thought it was a "joke" when he delivered my second son and said I had a girl ... to tease me! You don't do that to a new mom who's still on the birthing table! I wanted to scream. However, I did not. Instead, I realized there is a Power greater than mine Who always knows what is best; and although, I truly wanted a girl, I accepted my second son right away -- he is so beautiful! -- and trusted all would be well. Frankly, it was! I had many blessings watching those two grow up together. They had to learn to accept each other, respect each other, care for each other, and share with each other. What valuable lessons to learn at such a young age-- and I was privileged to teach them! If I had a girl, then they would have been so different: different toys, clothes, games, friends, etc. The whole relationship whould have been different. Anyway, trust that all will be well. Be ever so thankful for the little lives that are given to you for only a short time! Have faith and pray for your sons now, while you can. They are only yours for a few years, then they start developing their own ideas and soon they leave. Give them all the love and education you can now, even before the new baby is born. Every moment is precious. The "big brother" will take pride in caring for his little brother under your guidance. Don't be disappointed. God always knows best.

~EL

i can understand your feeling, but no matter how you may feel now, as soon as you see you baby boy, you will fall in love with him. plus having kids of the same sex have a lot of benefits - Bond they share as brothers, games and toys they will play together, clothes.
you will love him just as much as your other son.
my husband wanted a son, but we're having another girl. we can't all get what we think we want, i guess we get what we need, and dont even know about it :)
Hope both of your boys will be always healthy and happy, and that's essentially what you really want the most.

I went through the same thing when i was pregnant with my second child. I already had an 8 year old boy and he wanted a brother. My sister already had 2 girls and it seemed like all the babies being born around that time in my circle of acquaintances were girls. I wanted a boy so badly! Then came the news that it was a girl. I remember lying on the bed with that sonogram wand pushing on my belly and my heart just sunk! It was almost like i was punched in the gut. I was so disappointed! On the way home from the ultrasound i cried! But after the shock and disappointed sunk in, then faded, and I began getting to know the baby growing inside me, the fact that it was a girl and not a boy wasn't so important anymore. And once the baby comes and is now a "real" person and you get to know that person for who he or she is, then the dream-baby fades and the real baby is there, in your arms, on your breast, in your heart.

For my third and last pregnancy I was again hoping for a boy. Most of the family wasn't (except my son!)for they all said how much better it would be for my daughter to have a little sister to play with. Well, they all got their wish. This time i wasn't getting my hopes up, although I did have a little pang of disappointment when they said "girl". But she's here now and i wouldn't trade either of them for boys!!

You will grow accustomed to the fact that you have a boy coming. You will pick his name, pick his clothes, start filling out your pregnancy journal, and start getting to know your little boy more personally. He will become part of you and you will "know" him more and then his being a boy won't matter too much. But let yourself go through the process of disappointment. The trick is not to let yourself dwell on it for too long. Your husband and son don't need a depressed wife/mother. And your baby is coming through no fault of his own. Love him for who he is. Change your dreams. Enjoy this moment. Plan for the future. And accept...you will be happier for it.

Wishing you a happy pregnancy (if there is such a thing! I wouldn't know...)

ignore those that tell you to get over it. you have these feelings, they are normal. you will feel better when your son is born, but... I would find a friend with a little girl and spend some time with them. you will see how much harder it is to raise the girls, how more emotionally-draining they are. there is always something dramatic with girls, they never accept simple explanations, they have tantrus b/c of the color of their t-shirts, they never stop talking and wanting to be the center of attention (well, most of them, anyway).
when i had my boy, i was somewhat disappointed untill i spend time with my friend's daughter of the same age as my son. man, I'm glad i have a boy!

I didn't read everybody else's response so I apologize if I'm repeating anything.

I could have written your post. I have two boys and I was initially disappointed that my second wasn't a girl (we didn't find out until he was born). He's now 15 months old and while I would still love to have a daughter, I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. I'll be honest though; I loved him from the start, but it did take me several months to get over feeling burning jealousy whenever someone I knew had a baby girl around the same age as my son. Why not me?

I realized (with the help of counseling) that one of the reasons I want a daughter is because I am very close with my mom. But just having a daughter won't guarantee that I'll have that same closeness with her. And it also doesn't mean that I won't have a similar, close relationship with either or both of my sons.

What you're feeling is normal - pretty much everybody has a "preference" for their children's genders whether they admit to it or not. And it's hard when your desires don't match up with reality.

If you want to email me offline, I'd be happy to chat more.

S., I know how you feel. I have 3 month twin boys. I always wanted to have a girl. When they did my ultra sound and they told me they are both boys. I cried. It took a while for me a just the fact that I am having 2 boys. I didnt get pregnant naturally. I had to go through 2 rounds of IVF. So I was upset that one of them wasnt a girl. But now that they are here. There is no difference for me a girl or a boy. Just hope it healthy that is the most importnant thing. Good luck on your pregnancy.

with my history, being an older sister of a brother, and always wanting an older brother (despising and resenting my younger brother) i DESPERATELY wanted a boy when i found out i was pregnant (even before that really) and said that IF i had a girl, i ONLY wanted it when i had a boy already. well, 1/2 way through my pregnancy i got the "proof" that i was having a girl and felt somewhat disappointed. after a couple of weeks i thought about it, and realized i felt more disappointed for her, then for me because i did want a girl, but even still, i wanted a boy sooooo bad. honestly, no matter how much i wanted (and still do) that boy the moment i saw her, and held her in my arms, i really didn't care. i still to this day wish i had a big brother for her, but am so in love with my little girl!
please, i beg you, try really hard to accept this! and even if you can't, whatever you do, NEVER EVER let her know that you were for even one moment disappointed! my mother told me when i was a teenager how disappointed she was when she had me because she wanted a boy, and how she was a pissed at my father for getting the girl he wanted until the moment he died and then ONLY THEN she was greatful that she she had a girl because i looked so much like him and if i were a boy it would have killed her to see her dead husband every day. i resent her to this day about this (and many other things). so please, try to just realize how luck you are to be getting the child you've always wanted, regardless of not getting the same sex you were looking for. hopefully like me, you'll get over it the moment you see you're precious little girl. good luck.

Feel blessed that you could even get pregnant, so many can't! I have 3 girls and would have loved to have a boy but sometimes God places these little ones in our care for a reason. It is so easy and fun to have the same sex child. You can reuse all the clothes and the boys will be best friends, what is better than that! When the baby is born you will look at him and think what a miracle he is. Boys LOVE their moms!

I am currently pregnant and I will be delivering in June with my second child. My first child is a boy (2 1/2) and would love to have a girl for my second. As with my first pregnancy, my husband and I will not be finding out the sex of our child. However, with each passing day I feel I will be disappointed if I have a boy. My husband is annoyed and scared that I have these feelings. We will not be having a third b/c of finacial reasons. Just like you stated we should be happy that our children our healthy. A friend of mine said that having a child of the same sex is good because they can share the same things and growing up together will be fun.

Hi S.,

I'm not really sure what I can say to make you feel better, but I really understand how you feel and wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling that way. I think it's good to acknowledge how you feel and vent to us. Of course, once your son is born, you will love him dearly and your older son will be happy to have a brother. Also just know - you are also not too old to have another!!!

I know what it is like to want a girl and have a boy. When I was pregnant with my first I wanted a girl so bad, my mother already had 6 grandsons and wanted a grand daughter so bad. I really felt like I let her down. I am now pregnant again, although to early to find out the sex, I am hoping to give my son, who is almost 22 months, a brother to pal around with. I think having 2 boys that close together is good for them. I am over the hope of a girl and believe that everything happens for a reason. Good Luck.

I'm 40 and got pregnant with my son just before age 39. I was devastated when I found out I was having a boy. I thought for sure it was a girl and we had a great girl name picked out and we were fighting bitterly over boy's names (I wanted to name the baby after my father who died when I was 12 and my husband wanted the baby to have his initials. Yeah, I know.). It was an incredibly stressful pregnancy. I finally compromised (that I do regret) and named my son after my father for his first name and my father-in-law for his middle name - reversing my husband's stupid initials. I became more accepting about having a boy after that stress was over, and got excited over the cute boy things I got. Now that I have my son and we're trying for a second, I'd be more than thrilled for another boy. Boys love their mommies and he is the greatest joy in the world. I know you love your son. Think of how wonderful another boy will be. You've already got so many boy clothes and toys and your son will love being the bigger boy in the family. Can you have a 3D ultrasound done so you can see his beautiful face? You will fall in love with him. I hope this helps!

When I was pregnant with my third (six years after my second), all I could think was that this would be my little girl. Nope, another boy. I was really disappointed too. But I started thinking about it and realized all of the great things about it...I really didn't have to "Learn" anything...I had the hand-me-downs, knew what to do when bathing/diapering(you know how that sprays up at you LOL), and so on. And then I got sneaky...I am the only girl in the house!!! Even the dog is a boy! Anytime I need a "girl fix", I call my sister and take my niece for the day, or one of my girlfriends daughters. Once that little guy is put in your arms, those feelings will change. My baby (who's almost 4) and I have a super time together. And with my other two, I am SO GLAD they're NOT girls!! Puberty stinks!!!

Hi S.,
I understand your disapointment, however, I have 2 boys close in age and it is great how they play together. I never found out what I was having until the end but was surprised when I had boys. It is easy having 2 of the same. I did go for the 3rd ( got the book on trying for a girl) and now I do have a girl too, so I cant entirely relate but I must say, my boys are easier. You will get past this once you see your new son and boys are sooo good to their mommy's. I wish you all the best.

S. - here are the good things about having two boys: they are likely to become good friends and play together more than a girl and a boy will...not all girls grow into what your ideal is...We have a boy and a girl and they don't have a very close relationship. Most of my friends have two boys and they DO have a close relationship. I love having both of my kids and love them with all my heart and soul, but my friends feel the same way about their families without girls and have never expressed regret at not having a girl. You fall in love with whatever child you get. While your family may be different that what you had in mind, different doesn't have to mean worse...it's just different! And that will be fine..you'll see.

Hi S.. I had similar feelings when I was pregnant with my second child, which was a girl and my first child was a boy. I wanted another boy so bad and when I found out she was a girl, I actually cried while leaving from my ultrasound! I don't think your feelings are abnormal, we have hopes of one thing and are given another. I'm sure you will be fine. I have three children, one boy and two girls! You can't help but love your child, no matter what their gender because they are yours.

My name is A. & I am 29 years old. I have a 9 year old boy. I was really sick during my pregnancy and as a result I am unable to have any more children. I wanted to have a girl, too.
I was very happy when he was born.
My son is wonderful, beautiful and smart. I love my son more than anything and would not trade him for the world.
However, I still wish sometimes that I have a girl. Especially, when I see a little girl with her mommy.

Hi S.,

First off congratulations on your preganancy. I had two miscarriages before my son was born..I was forty..I so wanted to have another and with some help I was pregnant again at first I wanted another boy because my son was perfect and I wanted another playmate for him. Than I wanted a girl than I said who cares as long as my baby is healthy..I had a boy at 43!! They are now 4 and 7 and love each other get mad at each other play with all the same toys. No dolls in my house. I wish I could have another I love my boys. Now at 47 I know I am too old. So I am blessed to have the family I thought I would never have. Everything will work out just take it one day at a time. Wishing you all the best.

Hi S.-
Congratulations on you baby-to-be. You should be thankful that you have a healthy baby (and that you were able to have a baby) I have a wonderful 27 month old boy. My husband and I would love to give him a sibling. I went through two rounds of invitro and one round of artifical insemination. I'm going to try invitro again and hopefully we will be blessed with another wonderful baby. When you think about being disappointed, count your blessings instead and think of others who desperately want a child and can't have one.

Hi S.,

Please don't feel badly about how you are feeling, I'm sure once you meet your new son you will love him just as much as your first.

On a light side, let's look at all the positives: Hopefully you've saved all your first son's clothes and toys, so your new baby will have an awesome wardrobe and great toys! Second, let's really think about girls (since we were each one once!) -- yes, it's fun to dress them up and all, but are they princesses or what?! And by the way, I think boys' wardrobes have come a LONG way -- I love getting new clothes for my 2-year-old son! And think about adolescence -- who would you rather deal with, a boy or a girl? Remembering my adolescent years, I'd rather have boys! One night I saw on late night TV Dave Letterman told a guest who had a baby girl, (Letterman has a boy) -- "I have to worry about my boy. You have to worry about ALL the boys." Funny, but true!

On a more serious note, someone recently recommended a book to me (for different reasons than you) called "Loving What Is - Four Questions That Can Change Your Life" by Byron Katie. It basically talks about the idea that problems that irritate or depress you can be turned around -- it's really your response to what is that's causing you pain, not the situation itself. So it gives you an exercise to turn any thought around so you can view it differently and not cause yourself emotional pain. It's challenging but well worth it to try and re-train your thinking. You can get it on Amazon.com, that's where I picked it up.

One last thing -- I can totally relate to your age concerns and the fact that you think this is probably your last child. I have had to come to grips with the fact that my son is going to be an only child, and that kills me because I LOVE being a mom and wanted so badly to have 2 children; however, it turns out his father and I weren't meant to be and I am going through a divorce as we speak. I am 40 years old, have no real interest in getting involved in another relationship any time soon, and if/when a relationship does begin, by the time I get to a point where thinking about children with a new person would be good, I'll be WAY too old. So, I understand what you are going through with those thoughts too. Maybe when you pick up this book you can turn that thought around too.

Good luck and be happy -- all in all, you really are blessed, it's just hard for you to see it right now.

All my best,
D.

Hi Stefanie! I have two sons myself. 6 year-old and almost 4 year-old. It is so much fun to have to boys! I always thought I wanted a girl too, but having two sons is great! They play together and they fight too, but it is really a joy to see the brotherly love that they have. I did not know what I was having with either of them so when I delivered them it was such a joy regardless of the sex. Plus, girls are much more challenging to raise!! ha ha. be happy with two boys and enjoy each day with them. Little boys love their mommy's very much!!!!
Congratulations on becoming a mom of two sons!! Something ot be proud of!!!

Hi, I was in a similar situation except I have two girls and wanted a boy the second time. My husband was more disappointed then me, but we both got over it pretty quickly. I think you just have to let it sink in and you will get excited as your time gets closer. congradulations....

Hi S.
Please do not let us forget that children are a gift from God. You have already been chosen as a blessed caretaker, now it is for you to ask God's guidance in your every day/night of prayer. But whatever you do please believe that each child feels his/her mother's emotions especially while they are in the womb. Don't let this worry interfere with yuour nurturing of both your children. Just pray for what you want age would not be a problem. God Bless! F. G

Give yourself a break, it's ok to be disappointed! Plus, with pregnancy hormones it's harder to cope with disappointments. Once your little boy is born you will adore him, and in time you won't be able to imagine life without him. Plus your boys will have one another to play with. I have 2 girls and a boy, and there is nothing like having a boy! I often hear, but a girl will take care of me when I'm old. I work in a hospital, I see sons and dtrs equally care for parents, so don't worry about that. Enjoy the miracle inside of you as you feel him growing and give yourself time to get used to the idea. You'll be great!

Hi,
I have to say that even though you feel disappointed please just be happy being pregnant. Now is your time to be happy! And frankly, as a woman who has had a miscarriage, just try and be happy with the little bundle of joy that you are going to get - a happy healthy baby!

S.-

I have two sons and love them more than anything in the world--I would not change anything about them, and I should point out that I am a VERY girlie girl (pink is my favorite color, I live in dresses and heels etc). So please start enjoying your good fortune! I don't mean to be mean, but please recognize how lucky you are! I recommend speaking with or reading about women who want children and can not conceive. I am sure that they would give anything in the world to be in your shoes.

S.,

I really feel for you. I had two boys, my husband had a son from another marriage, and we were done having kids. We figured there was no point in trying for a girl since the likelihood of having one was small (in our opinion). I remember mourning for what never would be. I so desperately wanted to be a mother to girls. My childhood dream was to have two girls and two boys. I can remember vividly the point when I realized I would never get that, how sad I felt. What you are feeling is so normal. Of course that will change when you meet your new son...but you should not feel bad for feeling the way you do.

I am now 35 years old with four of my own children, the last two were girls, but I remember so well the panic I felt at the ultrasounds, concerned about what I would feel if they too were boys. I guess I just want you to know that I have felt the same things you are feeling, and that doesn't make you a bad mother or anything like that. It just proves that you are human.

Take heart in knowing that everything always works out exactly as it should. It will be very nice for your son to have a playmate, a brother. I know a lot of grown men who have brothers and they are very glad to have that relationship, and if nothing else, you will gain daughters when your sons get married...and then there will likely be granddaughters! There will be pink in your future, just maybe not like you had planned.

D.

I have a list a mile long of girlfriends who would give their liver to be pregnant. If you don't want him that bad give him for adoption. Did you just gasp at that, good! Thats how selfish you sound. Be glad you can have children, many of us in the world arent so lucky. As in the past responders words... get over it! or get the adoption papers started.

I have two boys that are 26 months apart. It is wonderful, they are now 11 & 13. It is wonderful that you are blessed with two boys.. Your older son will be happy to have a brother and a life long friend that he will always have, as well as his younger brother. There are alot of advantages in having two children of the same sex. You will see that when he is born. All the best!

S. I wept at my Sono when they told me it was a boy...again! My husband was mortified that I was crying and afterwards, I was ashamed. I was sad for a while, but if it isn't meant to be, then what can you do? My son is now 18 months old and is is AWESOME! I can't imagine life without him. Yes, I still sigh when I go through the infant girl's section in the department store, but hopefully I will have a granddaughter!! Warm Regards, H.

I'm sorry that you're feeling disappointed. Unfortunately, there's no guarantee that we get the sex we'd prefer, if you have a child of one gender, you still have a 50/50 chance of the same. With my 2nd pregnancy, if I could have chosen, my son would have been a girl, I will always have a little twinge of sadness that my daughter won't have a sister (I had 3) but he is a wonderful kid and I love them both the same. I would have been disappointed if I'd never gotten to have a daughter (I would not have felt the same way if I'd never had a son).

Enjoy your boys and when my sister had her third boy, a friend said to her "Just think, in 15 years your house will be FULL of girls" :)

Think of how much more fun it will be for your son to have a brother. Family vacations can be geared more for things boys like, visiting relatives who have no children is easier because they have each other to play with. Life will be easier plus you save money on clothes because you can hand them down.
Also I know many people who have had children at 40 and 41 so you could try again for a girl. Just put your life in God's hands and it will turn out the way it should. A happy healthy baby is what we all need to be grateful for. I'm sure once your holding your new little guy in your arms you'll feel diferently. Sallie

I have a beautiful son who's 2.5. I SO want a girl for number two... we're having a hard time getting to #2, but I've told my hubby that if it's a boy, we're sending him back!

So I understand the feeling... but I also know the reality. Gender is so immaterial to how you feel about your child... I don't know of any parent that loves their girls more than their boys, or the other way around. You always love your own kids. Other people's kids... not so much (hence all the "thank God I have boys!" or "I'm so glad I have girls!" kind of comments).

So, sure, it's fun to have a dream of a child, and often those dreams have particular gender child in them. But regardless of gender, your kid won't be the dream. So, I want a girl so I can put her in those really cute outfits and read Laura Ingalls Wilder and Nancy Drew to her. But I KNOW if I have a girl, she'll hate dresses from conception, and refuse to listen to a story that doesn't have giraffes. So I'll have the gender, but not the dream. You know what I mean? So you just got divorced from the dream a little earlier, but the reality will be just as amazing as the dream, I'm certain. Just different...

Hi Steph,
I am a 36 year old mom of 2 girls. When I was pregnant with my second child, we found out it was a girl. I felt as you do. It's ok to feellike that. And it normal. It's hard to talk about those feelings without people judging you, telling you to be grateful etc., but I know how you feel, and it's ok. We have been trying to have another baby for 3 years now, with secondary infertility. My dreams of having a son are quickly dissolving. I will start on clomid next month. Like you I am also worried about my age, and then the fear of having another girl. It's hard not to feel guilty, I know. BUT IT'S OK, whatever God gives me, I know there is a reason beyond my comprehension. God Bless you and your family.

Hi S.,

I have two boys and it is wonderful!!!! they are so close and such good friends and have alot in common being the same sex. however I have to tell you my story. I did not find out what I was having with either pregnancy and knew that we would probably only having 2 children. with my second everyone, and I mean everyone was telling me I was having a girl and I wanted it so bad that I believed them. My husband and I went to the hospital with our girl name pick out and all excited to have one of each....... well when my doctor said "Its a boy!" both of us were shocked ( and we shouldn't have been since we didn't find out so it was really 50/50 to go either way). I spent the first 24 hours of my stay in the hospital almost in mourning for my baby girl that never came. in hindsight I should have found out and had time to adjust. anyway I think it is perfectly ok and normal for you to not be embracing your news right now. but trust me it will not last. once you see that precious little boy you will embrace it and fall in love with him... and once you get to know him you will be thankful that your boys have each other as brothers. I never look back now and regret not having a girl. i think it is really good that you found out now and have the time to adjust to your news.

best wishes to you and your family for a healthy little boy.

W. k.

hi! i personally do not have your problem. i have 3 kids. and after muy second was told i could not have any others. i had 2 girls. i can only tell you from a womans point of view, count your blessings. if you have healthy normal kids, you are lucky. i never understood someone being upset over not haveing a certain sex of a child. i was always happy and i felt blessed with whatever the good lord sent me. just count your blessing. everything does happen for a reason. i did finally get my son. another miracle and another story altogether. good luck..

I understand! I've been there; it is imperative to allow yourself to grieve the reality that you will never have that mother-daughter relationship. But don't worry. I felt the same way and am now the mother of two boys and love, love, love my newest son.

you will be thrilled once you have him. and it will be wonderful having 2 boys, especially so close in age, they will be best buddies, what a gift to your son! and if, by some chance, you are still feeling unsure after being blessed with a healthy little boy, just go visit the nicu. it is a very humbling experience, believe me. you will thank God every day for what you have. be happy, and enjoy your pregnancy too, remember what a brief time in our lives pregnancy is, i miss it horribly. and by the way, dont let anyone make you feel bad, you are just being honest about your feelings. best of luck to you.

My heart goes out to you. I had the same experience 26 years ago. You will definitely fall in love with your son and have a special bond. It takes time. I still was feeling a little sad when the baby was born. Sad for all the mother-daughter things I would never do. Sad for all the father-daughter things my husband would miss. But when my 2nd son was born I fell as deeply in love with him as I had with the first son. And he had his own personality. This was not a carbon copy of birth #1. Now at 26 he is still close to me and calls every day. He is a more sensitive guy and I know we'll always be close. No, I'll never have a daughter and it would have been nice but I have a very special son instead. And I wouldn't trade him for anything. A third child? Not a financial option for us. Tough to pay for 2 college eds. And I'm glad I didn't adopt a girl after my first son because then I wouldn't have #2, whom I adore as much as #1. Maybe I'll have granddaughters someday. Maybe not. I still wish once in a while I had had a girl but I didn't. I wish I had won a huge lottery, too. And here comes my 'baby' now. Stopping in to say Hi. I love you. What are you doing today?

You do still have another chance after this next one. 38 isn't the end of the road as far as children are concerned. The only thing is you may have to risk having 3 boys. I would think about the fact that your son will have a brother and life-long friend. He'll love that.

It started when I was 5, my mom was pregnant and I so desparately wanted a sister. I got another brother instead. I became very close to him and got my sister when he married. My dream of having a sister became wanting a daughter. Again, I got not one, but 3 boys, instead. Three boys who I wouldn't ever wish were girls. Yes, sometimes I get the pangs for a girl to do girly things with, but, it passes. Hey, It's good to be the Queen! Hopefully one day, one (or maybe all 3!) will bring home a "daughter" for me.

It is normal to have the feelings, I know lots of moms of boys who wished for girls. Not one of them would have it any other way now though.

Check out the website and message board www.itsgoodtobethequeen.com
It's a site for moms of boys. It's a great site for support, venting, encouragement, and fun. Your feelings have been the hot topic a number of times!
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and baby.

I am desperately in love with my youngest son. I also desperately wanted him to be a girl. Your feelings are justified and you should not feel guilty about it. God has given you this son for a reason and it may take a little time but one day you will find yourself deeply in love with him. Have a healthy and happy pregnancy!

A.

S.,
I really can't tell you I know how you feel, but I am sure the feelings are natural. I am a mother of 3 (7 yr old son, 5 yr old daughter and 9 month old daughter). When I found out that I was pregnant with number 2 of course I wanted a girl since I already had a boy. I did have a girl, but it really wouldn't have mattered. Once you hold that baby it will not matter boy or girl. You will feel instant love for the baby and you will see the love in the baby's eyes. I worked in an OB-Gyn Office for 5 years and I saw so many people in your situation. the best I can tell you is to thank god you and the baby are healthy. There are many people in this world that would love to be in your sitiation, however they can't even get pregnant. Having a baby is a true gift and you should cherish it. I can you put a ease a little. My husband's parents really wanted a girl, however they ended up with 10 boys (yes 10). Unfortunately his mother passed away only one year after the 10th was born (1979). It was well known that they were trying for a girl and look what happened. God really does work in mysterous ways. I am married to number 9 and I thank god that there was not a girl before him, because if there was he wouldn't be here. His parents planned on stopping after they had a girl.
Just look at how happy your boys will be growing up together. You are giving them a instant life long best buddy.
Also, I have found that boys are closer to their moms. My son loves to cuddle and be hugged by me all the time and he is 7. My oldest daughter on the other hand doesn't want to be bothered. If I was told that if I had a fourth child it would be a boy I would do it in a heartbeat!!!

S.,

I have 3 boys. They are 16, 12, and 2. We hoped for a boy first and then we hoped to get a girl in there somewhere. I never got my girl. When I was pregnant this last time, we hoped because he was such a surprise we may have snuck in the girl. But the more I thought about it, the more having a girl scared me. I know how to raise boys, I have a comfort level with that. I have 4 nieces, I can always get my girl fix, I'm lucky in that respect. My 16 year old loves to shop, my 12 year is the sensitive one, and I'm not sure about the 2 year yet, but he kinda likes to clean! So, I always say I have a girl in disguise LOL! I'm positive that when your baby comes, you will happy (and tired LOL!). If you really have the need to be around girls and enjoy them, you could always volunteer to be a girl scout leader or a mentor at your local school or a Big sister. There are lots of outlets!

S., I wish I could show you a picture of my three sons. I too felt disappointment for not having a girl. I wanted someone to shop with and dress up. Realize the gift of a child is just that a gift. I am now 53 and my oldest son is engaged. I know in my heart that someday a grandaughter will be in my future. What fun will it be to play with a little girl, spoil her, have tea parties and then.....she goes home to mommy and daddy. I am so proud of my three boys and I believe God gives us what we need. I now know that I needed 3 sons. I hope you have a happy and healthy baby.

I am also the mother of two sons. I am also a Labor and Delivery Nurse for the last 39 years. I can tell that you are someone who does not know the terror of finding out that you are NOT carrying a healthy baby. Thank your lucky stars that your little guy is going to be happy and healthy. There are lots of people who would give their right arms for your baby boy. Sometimes girls are just not in the cards for whatever reason. I am now the proud mother in law of two wonderful daughters in law who are just like daughters to me. I also have a grandson and a grand-daughter. So I got a girl I just had to wait for my SON to give her to me. Please be happy because he will give you nothing but joy and happiness.

From: C. B
Date: March 22, 2008

I'm also a 38 year old mom, expectant again for the 2nd time. I know it can be disheartening to learn that the gender is not what you were hoping. I'm sure many parents have gone through it, including myself. However, I believe we all need to focus on the hope that the baby be healthy, that the delivery be non-eventful and that the first child be accepting of his new sibling. Amidst all that, gender seems low on the totem pole. I guess it's all about perspective. Good luck and may the rest of your pregnancy be easy!

Hello Stephani, Wow, I too was in the same situation. Except my son was 14 years old at the time and I became pregnant and I was 34. I so much wanted a girl. I was very happy to be pregnant. I kept saying, "this is my girl". Well guess what, I went to have an ultrasound done when I was 7 months and the Doctor confirmed it three times that it's a boy. My heart dropped. I was so disappointed and very sad. Learned to except it and thank God that I'm having a healthy baby even if it's a boy. Well the day came almost about one month before time due to my blood pressure was too high and had to go in emergency. The baby shower was sent a week later but no one knew that I was giving birth almost one month before time. When the baby came out, my husband was looking down at the baby's p****** p**** and couldn't see anything. So we asked the Dr. and he said it's a GIRL. I got sooooo mad at the Dr. and told him "hat's really a sick joke right, it's a Boy" and once again, Dr. said, well I should know I'm starring right at it and it's a girl. So, the moral to this story is, keep your head up, love your belly, talk to it, dance like your baby is in your hands. Babies feel all your emotion. And when your baby is born count your blessings that you were able to have another healthy baby. Remeber, ultrasound are never 100% accurate.
God Bless

Hi S.,
I have to tell you reading this and all the responses made me cry. I dont have an answer why, I guess its just that it touvched home for me, and I rehashed all my feeling without even knowing I had them..
My youngest son it now 18 months old, and it has been the most turbulent and rough patch in my entire life. I told myself the whole pregnancy I wanted a healthy baby, it didnt matter (we didnt find out the sex). But I had my reason why both would be good, a boy because I already had the clothes, and my older son wanted a baby brother, no girls Mommy. But a girl would have been great because, I had a boy, and a girl would make my family the "perfect" family, I would get to go buy pretty girly stuff and do a nursery over again. Plus I would have a daughter...Well I was in the delivery room after the most miserable pregnacy, after 3 pushes they announced, "its a boy". I was thrilled, he was happy, he was healthy. He nursed like a champ from the get go. About 3 days after getting home, the baby blues settled in, and he developed acid reflux severly. It was a nightmare. I felt such resentment toward this little fellow. I almost hated him, for being sick. I then developed feelings of disappointment that he was a boy when my husband informed me that he wasnt willing to "go through this again" and refused to even consider another child. I felt crushed that I would never have a daughter. I didnt think I could handle another baby myself, but to have someone take your hopes and end them leaves you angry and resentful. I put all those feelings toward my baby. I now realize I was a butt head, and I should have been rejoicing that I was given the opportunity to experience motherhood at all, but at the time if you had told me that I would have ignored you and been more resentful.. I chalk it up to a hormonal thing, and post pardum depression. But lately I have been longing for a girl again, (I have 5 girlfriends that are pregnant with girls) and I hope to change my husbands mind, but I doubt it will happen. He isnt the kind of person that is mushy about babies whether they are his or not.;) He just sees all the work that goes into them and the money that leaves his wallet. Me and my youngest son are now wildly in love, and he is the biggest mammas boy I know. He is my angel. My oldest son is my savior, and my baby boy is just that, my baby!!!

I had two boys, who I love dearly, but I also desperately wanted a girl. I was blessed with a daughter when I was 41! There are more older mothers out there. Of course there are no guarantees about whether a third child would be a girl....I think that once your baby is born you will fall in love with him just as much as if he had been a girl.

Why can't you have another child? I just turned 39 and have a 3 year old boy and a 3 month old girl. I plan on going for #3 next year. Did you have lots of trouble conceiving? Don't know where this big fear of 4-0 comes from. Its not like your uterus suddenly shrinks and disappears when you hit this age. My advice - be thrilled you are going to have a beautiful baby boy and either go for #3 or adopt a girl. If you don't want to do this, just remember - so many women I know cannot conceive at all - you are so blessed and little boys are sooo loving and cute! Good luck!

First of all, I congratulate you for being honest about your dissappointment. Goodness knows life is full of them.
I believe everything happens for a reason. So, although this was not your hope, it will be the best thing that could have happened. You know once the baby comes, you will be fine. And maybe your 22 month old son needs a brother more than you need a daughter...
Be easy on yourself because this is such an emotional time. Your new little fellow will need all your good thoughts through your pregnancy, and you will one day look back and wonder what you were thinking ! :)
And one day, you will have two daughters who will love your sons and be forever grateful for the men you have raised.
It is something to look forward to. You will be surprised how much you love the people who love your children.

A friend of mine cannot have children because of a medical issue. She finally was approved for adoptiion after much red tape and the infant passed away unexpectedly.

You cannot change the gender of this baby but you can change your attitude towards it which I strongly suggest you do. Don't you think that this child who is growing inside of you can feel your negativity?

And please re-consider having any MORE children until you decide whether or not you only want a certain "type". This is NOT the reason to bring a baby into our world.

As a mother to FIVE boys...enjoy the boys..I really wanted a girl after every boy (set of twin boys too!!) but I got over it after the 5th boy....I absolutely love my boys...not sure I would have been good with a girl. Things happen for a reason!! Boys are fine...girls whine!!

Hi, S.,

Not sure if anyone else has said this, but... I'm writing as that girlfriend of a boy who was one of several sons (brothers) to a mom who had only boys. For everyone who's saying, "I only have boys and hopefully they'll bring me home girlfriends who can be like the daughter I never had" - I just want to make sure those girlfriends have a voice here. I was that girlfriend years ago and I remember how great it was to have a future mother-in-law who absolutely adored me b/c she only had boys -- especially b/c I didn't have that closeness w/my own mom (that's a whole other Oprah...). Just remember that if your son brings home a girlfriend, she may love the extra attention or she may not -- this yearning is YOUR thing, not hers. She may be cool with it (and even have her own need for it), but remember not to push it unless she's comfortable (i.e., she may have a very strong relationship with her own mother and as much as she may like you, she may not want to be the daughter you never had). I hope I'm making sense. Just suggesting you keep tabs on your feelings about this. You're already aware of it, which is so important - be mindful of how it plays itself out with the girls your sons bring home. It would be a shame to scare them away b/c of your own needs. Of course, I'm not saying you're going to do this -- just throwing another perspective into the mix.

S.,

You are very blessed. I'm sorry you don't feel excited right now. When the baby arrives, you will show it so much love and not feel this way. It is normal to want a boy and a girl. I have a 18 month old daughter and I don't think I can devote my love nor time to raising another child. My husband has told me that our daughter should have a sister or brother to be there for her when we go. He is absolutely right and YOUR son will have a brother to look after and you can start preparing him for that by teaching him to help out and be responsible.

Hi S.,

Wow, you received a lot of reponses on this! I have to admit that I am disappointed in the tone of a few of them, as this site should allow us to ask questions and share feelings on any topic without fear of resentment from others.

In any case, each time I become the least bit upset with my son I thank God that he is happy and healthy. The bond between a mother and son is something totally special that cannot be replaced. I am currently pregnant with my second and will be 37 when the baby is born. While I would love to hear that we are having a girl, I am much more looking forward to hearing results that he/she is expected to be healthy. Bearing a child is a gift and, with all the documented risks of pregnancy over 35, to give birth to a healthy child is a blessing. I think many of us looking to have two children wish for one of each. Many mothers have a very stong desire for a daugher and all the fun/joy it brings. I know my sister-in-law and her mother were originally crushed with the news that she was having her second boy. But, he is now 7 months, healthy and happy and the family couldn't be more thankful. There are many advantages to having two boys - from the reuse of clothes/toys/etc to the bond that brothers will share for a lifetime. Best wishes.

you will be fine ... God has a plan :)

Steph:

I don't want to sound harsh but please look at the BIG picture. First, be happy that you are able to have children. Millions are couples are not that lucky. Secondly, you should be praying for healthy child. Millions, including myself are not that blessed to have a child w/out health issues. This child is a gift and should be treasured. Although your honesty is appreciated, I really cannot believe you asked this question. I pray that you will not show this disappointment to your child. Good luck!

Mom to 2 fantastic BOYS.

Well you are not alone. I carried so different with my kids, that I swore the the second had to be a girl. I was so positive that when the DR said "It's a boy". I said "How did that happen?". Once you hold them those thoughts usually go away. You fall in love with the baby in your arms. How can you not? I have a feeling you are early in your pregnancy, so just talk to your friends and family when you are feeling a little down. But I'm sure it will pass. IF it doesn't within a few weeks, call a counsler!!!!! Don't wait! They will help you get through those feelings. Have faith in your self, you will de just as loving a mother to your second child as you are to your first. Give yourself a break, it's ok to be a little disapointed when we don't get something we want. It's natural. Good luck, you are having a boy for a reason. He may grow up to be a super specialperson who will help to change the world for the better. : )

Hi!
I felt the same way with both my pregnancies and I have two beautiful boys! You will get used to the thought and once you're holdnig that little boy in your arms you will not regret not having a girl. Just think about it this way: your son will have a brother and they will be the best buddies, play together and entertain each other. ANd today I was at Target, and I talked to this older lady and she said: 'take it from somebody who knows - boys always love their mothers the most'. And you know what- I think that's true because my two boys love me so much!
You will be fine - and if anything - you will feel bad for ever wanting somebody else but him:)
Good luck!