PLEASE HELP! My Dear Friend Is Losing Her 3-Year-Old to Cancer

I don't think there is anything you can say. I think you are doing right by avoiding cliches and I would avoid open ended questions like "is there anything I can do to help?". Maybe be specific by telling her you can stop by at such & such time/day to do a few loads of laundry for her family, but you may want to set aside any of the 3-yr old's clothes as she may not want them washed.

K.,
I am very sorry to hear about your friend's child and i will put you all in my prayers. Things are very hard for everyone right now. Most hospice folks are very experienced dealing with someone who is dying and providing comfort and direction. You might ask them how to best help your friend. Hospice doesn't mean that death is imminent, but that it is down the road. Pray for your friend and ask God to wrap his arms around her and her family to help them during this time and to give them some peace. Hopefully she is already involved in a supporting church. If not, ask if she would like to be and help her make a connection. One thing that might be hard but helpful would be to talk about what kind of service she would want to have when her son passes, what she would want him to wear, special pictures she might want to find. Ask the hospice folks-they know how and when to bring up this type of topic.
Volunteer to stay with her son and encourage her to spend some time with her other son so he does not feel left out.

If she has several friends, try putting together a calendar and a list - a list of who is willing and available to do what, and a calendar of who will do dinner. Make sure that people understand this is not a good will gesture - this is signing up for military duty,and they will be called upon for what they volunteered to do.

Then - with the list, sit down with your friend and ask what she needs done first. Make out the calendar. Not having to worry about dinner, or the laundry, or driving to an appointment, or babysitting a sibling - may be the best gift your friend can have. Or she may prefer to keep her chores for a sense of normalcy.

Regardless - make a copy of the calendar and give it to everyone on the list. You may want to do this a month at a time, depending on how much time her little boy has left - in a perfect world, it's dinner 3 times a week and cleaning twice a month until two or 3 weeks after he's gone. I did this for a friend of mine, and she has reciprocated for two other people - so I have to assume she appreciated it.

S.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's child K.. All you can do at this point is to pray and be there for your friend because she certainly will need you. Another thing you may want to do is capture memories of her with her son so she can at least take comfort in the photos and memories after he's gone. There are some photographers that will come to hospitals and take pictures. Sounds like you are a true friend and that's really great.

K.-what a great friend you are! I am crying as I type b/c as the mother of a 3 yr. old boy...I can't imagine. I don't have much different advice outside of what others have already said but I honestly just wanted you to know that I have prayed for this family and for you. Blessings on you!

Never say anything like, "I can't imagine..." I lost my mother to cancer when I was younger, and it always enraged me inside whenever someone would say something like that.
Also, don't be afraid to share your pain with her. Not only the pain you feel for her, but the pain you feel for her son. =)

I think the taking care of her other child and meals are great ideas....you might also contact the hospice and ask them what has been helpful and what has not for others....I cannot imagine how awful this must be...my only glimpse is both my kids having neurosurgery in two months and what helped me.......I am so very sorry

My heart goes out to you and your friend. If you get a chance privately with the hospice worker, see if she can take a picture of her son smiling and looking comfortable with your camera. Try building a book of memories for her with pictues of all her kids and her special son. Right now she isn't thinking about this. Later when all is done, you could present it to her at a special time out of the house (you pick the time and place). The other thing would be just be there let her talk. You have become her "rock" and do take care of yourself and family. Remember, you can't help anyone if you aren't healthy. Getting others involved is also a very good idea so that no one person is spread too thin. I will keep you and your friend and her son in my thoughts. Caregiving comes in so many forms. Good luck to you and do keep us posted. The other S.

You have me in tears too, May God's hand be upon your friend, her son, her other children, everyone that her path crosses. Let her enjoy the time she has left with her son as much as possible. I would think it would be very nice to make a video tape, something she can watch later or even her other children when they get older. I really don't know how to do it, but maybe have all her boys in it with her and your son.
My sister lost her nephew to SIDS while she was caring for the baby until he was adopted (lived exactly 40 days). She had 3 of her own children under the age of 4, one was like 7 months old. After he died, her boys would let balloons go with a message on them and they were sending him balloons to heaven so he would have them to play with. Her oldest son said he would see Baby Michael and he would tell his mom and dad, that Baby Michael said he's fine and misses everyone. My nephew was only 4, or about to turn 4.
Also, I think you are getting a lot of great advice about helping out, making meals, doing laundry. Just everyday things will make a huge difference. If I was you I would even ask the nurses on the floor, I'm sure they have seen a lot in the time they have worked there.
Just let her know you are there for her, and whatever you can do you will, if she needs someone to be mad at, I'm sure she's full of anger on one hand, why is this happening, I don't know; I've never been through this, but I know I've been upset and want to yell at someone to relieve the pain.
Pray for her, and we'll be praying for you and her family!
May God give you and her the peace that passes all understanding!
GOD BLESS!

My heart goes out to you. You and your friend will be in my prayers. I had to deal with hospice when my father was diagnosed with cancer. It is a great ordeal. The best thing to do is just be there for her. I did not leave my father's side except to eat and use the bathroom. I am sure that she is the same way, help her out as much as you can with the other things around the house. The scrap book idea is wonderful. I wish I would have done that. Other than that just haveing a friend to lean on is a big help.

Wow my heart breaks for her. I will certainly be praying for them, and for you as she will need you very much. I do disagree, however, about asking what type of service she would like for her son. When I was pregnant with our triplets, I knew once my water broke that they were too tiny to survive. The LAST thing I wanted to hear was someone asking about the funeral. We dealt with that when it happened.

I suggest that there are no words except "I'm sorry". She doesn't need to hear anything else. Food is good, cleaning her house, maybe. Taking care of her other children, mowing her yard, going to the cemetary with her in the next few months...

I think the one thing I needed most was for people to let me talk about my children. I think sometimes we think it will hurt too bad to bring them up (and it will at first), but all she will have is her memories, and by you talking to her about him sometimes, it will let her know that you still love and care about him.

Take her to lunch, or a pedi/mani in the weeks after everything settles down. MAKE her get out of the house, because trust me, she isn't going to want to get out of the bed!

You are a good friend to care enough to want to do/say the right things. God bless you for being there for her! Please keep us updated.

Hello K.,

You are a wonderful friend. God Bless you for that. just be there for your friend. do you have a small camera your friend can carry with her to take pictures. You could take pictures of him, of all of them just doing everyday things. pictures don't need to be posed nor taken by a professional photographer in order to capture the moment and memories. take lots of pictures and videos now. and even when the time comes for the funeral...I would discretely take pictures and save them for the future. in a few years she may want to look at them. on the other hand she may never want to look at them.

videotape him talking, singing, etc. I wish I had a list of questions to ask him... what would you ask a 3 year old?
I guess something along the lines of:
what is his favorite toy, favorite animal, favorite tv show. what does he think about astronauts, thomas the train, etc. what is his favorite food, favorite color. does he like to draw, paint, etc.

here is a link I found:
http://www.cancer.net/patient/Coping/End-of-Life+Care/Car...

God bless you and help you help your friend in need.
~C.~

I am so sorry… all I would say is

God has a plan, and we need to trust that it is a perfect plan.

We should all just pray that she can stay strong.
E.

I don't have a lot of advice to give, but the one thing I could think of was Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It is a charity organization that will have a photographer come take pictures of the child and the family free of charge (parents will get either prints or a cd of the pics free of charge as well). I know it may seem harsh at first but just go to the website and read other parents stories and how these pictures helped their grieving process. Please just give it a look. www.nilmdts.com

My heart goes out to your friend....

Oh my God you have me crying. I've never been in this situation before, but she might need some breathing room so maybe you could offer to help out with her other son by letting him play at your house in the afternoons or on the weekends or whatever would fit. My friend was sick once (I know it doesn't even compare) but I made some casseroles for her to freeze because she just didn't have the strength to cook and they family still needed to eat. I hope this helps. They're in my prayers.

May God bless you. You are obviously a kind hearted person and a wonderful friend. I can tell you care deeply about this family. I went through chemotherapy 2 years ago and a heart transplant 7 years ago, I was 16 at the time. My mom had a really hard time dealing with it and she always said what helped her get through it were neighbors and friends who brought lunch to her at the hospital, helped with cleaning, cooking, running my brothers and sisters around or watching them, and just helping with anything she possibly needed so she could spend as much time at my bed side as possible.

Do just as you said "Let her talk and listen", follow her lead and cry with her. I had twin girls born 12 weeks early and we lost our daughter Emma shortly after they were born. The thing that helps me the most is when people mention Emma. My worst fear is that people will forget my precious child. So make an effort even years from now to talk about him, maybe call her on his b-day just to let her know you are thinking about her and him. It may be different for her but some of the hardest things are putting away their clothes/room, not having Emma's name on things like our family Christmas card, when people forget or complete strangers don't know that we have 4 children not 3. You might think about getting her an angel pin or necklace that she can wear in their family pictures so that her sweet little boy is in the picture too. It will be the most difficult thing she will ever go through and she will NEVER get over it. My girls were born almost 6 years ago and I still cry alot.