Loss of a Child - Sidney,AR

E., I pray God will comfort you. Father God, cause Your Holy Spirit to rise up in E. and comfort her heart. You know the bitter anguish of losing a son, Lord, for You didn't spare Your own son and allowed Him to die so that He could make us a way to come to You. He knew sorrow and was acquainted with grief.

You know how a mother misses her child. Father, let E. see that You have spared her boy from growing up here in this evil and perverted generation and give her a vision of him becoming a man in Your presence instead.

Let E. see how blessed and full of sweet joy he is as he praises You and worships You skipping on golden streets and splashing in the River of Life. Reassure her that if she loves You and Yeshua, your only begotten son, and as she follows in Your ways, one day she will be reunited with her beloved son. Let this bring her peace, Father.

By Your Spirit, quicken those around E. to be sensitive to her loss as the anniversary date rolls around once again. Have them give extra hugs and brief words of remembrance so that E. can rest in the fact that her son is no forgotten.

We bless You and praise You, Lord. We thank You that You love us and care for our every moment, to comfort our every heartache. Give E. a heart full of joy and let her come to a place of that peace that passes our human understanding. Thank You for giving her more children to make the rest of her life in this world full.

Hold E. in Your loving arms, Father and help her through this valley back onto the mountain top. You are a good God, an awesome God, and I praise and thank You for hearing and answering my prayer for E. as I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

God bless You, E..
Love in Him,
Grami

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME (Writer unknown)

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with her, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate her life and love into the rest of my life. She is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember her with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you

I am so sorry for your loss! It's been 6 yrs. last November that our son past away! That first year, everyone remembers and some friends of mine even planted burning bushes outside my home. It was great..years go by and everyone thinks it all okay and no need to bring it up. Others think they do not want to hurt us. If they would only think, it would do us some good. To know other think of him too. My mother in law is the only one outside this house that thinks of him and sends things every year for his grave. It's very hard! I do not really have advice for you at all. Maybe you can have a memorial gathering at the grave site. A birthday party. We do that every year! Invite family and friends, have them bring cards with the memories they have of you son! Start a scrap book of them. They could even write him a letter and let it go with balloons. "My kids think that the balloon go to heaven for the babies that have gone to soon! Good luck and please feel free to post me anytime.

E.,
I do not have any advice but I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you today. I hope that your day is filled with loving memories of your son and that it brings warm smiles and a sense of happiness to your heart.

Hi E.,
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my baby girl when she was 7 months old due to heart and breathing defects. I think that sometimes people don't remember the dates, but sometimes they do and they are afraid of upsetting you. One thing you can do is let them know that you are OK with them bringing it up, by bringing it up yourself. Just tell them how important it is for you that they recognize this day. I call the day my Emma passed away her heaven birthday.

I'm praying for you on this day. May God bless you with his peace.

M.

E.,
I am so sorry for your loss. How old was he? What was his name? I myself haven't lost a child, however I did loose my sister unexpectedly. She was ten years younger than me, just turned 17, the day before her senior year began, when she died in a car accident (her fault, somehow she lost control of her car on the highway and went into the opposite lane and was hit by a truck). She died at the scene. It is so hard to work through those feelings-(the if onlys, the blame, the why them). That was almost 7 yrs ago. It's hard because life still goes on around you and you can't stop it. When she died, she only had two nephews-my two sons. In the past 3 yrs two of my sisters and myself have each had a child. It hurts so bad that these three will never know her. It's funny because each of them is named after her in some way. I guess that's our way of giving them some type of connection to her. Her name was Natalie Mae. My nephew is Kyler Nate, My daughter Is Maddix Natalia (my hubby always called her Natalia cause she was in Spanish class and spoke it all the time-My niece is Riley Mae. Everyone handles their grief differently. For me, It is so hard to visit the cemetary. I do go occasionally, but not as much as my mom would like. Even so, I think about her everyday. I love talking about her even though I may shed a tear in the process, people are so afraid to ask about her, and sometimes apologize for bringing her up. I love it when someone asks about her. I would be talking about her daily if she was here. People are afraid of bringing back that hurt, they don't understand it's always there. There is no getting over the pain, moving on, living life to the fullest cause that's what they would want. Talking about your son, keeps those beautiful memories fresh. That way you feel the joy of his life and not just the constant ache of his loss. My sister loved writing, she wrote tons of poems and stories throughout her life. Right now I am working on a book (for my mom-as a surprise) with all her writings and pictures in it. It has been very emotional for me, I've came across stuff I had forgotten about and memories I haven't thought of in years from the time she was born-small details. Things that bring smiles along with the tears. It has been very therapeutic. Perhaps, you could do somthing of the sort. Maybe a picture book. You could add any and all photos your son was in. I called my brother, sisers, aunt to have them go through their pictures. I even called her boyfriend and some of her friends. I got emails and copies of pics I had never seen before. Which has been great. I am doing my book through BLURB (an online publisher) but there are others out there-I know SNAPFISH does something like that. Maybe this could be a way to get your family together to celebrate his life.
~The pain is not remembering, the pain is feeling that people are forgetting~
I hope I'm able to give you some type of comfort. Please feel free to message me back privately if you would like.
God bless
M.
32 yr old SAHM-of three-two boys 13 & 10, and one girl that will be 3 in less than 2 wks. I have been married to a great man for 11yrs now, trust me we have had our share of ups and downs. I need to get a job but prefer to stay home with my daughter because of her having a peanut allergy.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I've never lost a child but can only imagine the pain and grief that comes along with that loss. I loved the ideas that some of the ladies posted, especially the releasing balloons idea. Maybe it would be a good idea to get your family together to celebrate the life of your son. This way everyone would have a chance to remember him and recall all the wonderful things about his short life while providing support for one another--especially you who has suffered most from the loss. Today is 2 years and I will be praying for you to have peace and comfort in knowing your little one is in a much better place.

Not everyone grieves the same and your family may be preparing for the anniversary in their own way. They may also be apprehensive about approaching you on the subject because they are afraid of upsetting you. I would suggest talking to one or two family members that you are close to. Let them know the anniversary is on your mind and how you are feeling. I'm not trying to sound harsh so don't take this wrong but it was your child and you will feel it the deepest. They may not realize the anniversary because it wasn't their child and they are not as aware of it as you are. I think if you are close with your family they will be willing to talk and listen about your grief and feelings but you may have to bring it up. If they don't want to talk, find a counselor, pastor or friend who you can talk to this issue about.

Dear E.,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I have not expeienced a tragedy of that magnitude in my own life, but one of my very close girlfriends lost her beautiful 17 year old daughter in a car accident last year. On her birthday and the anniversary of her passing she/we acknowledged it in some way. I know that some people simply feel scared to talk to the mother about it for fear of "upsetting" her. I know it is important to remember your son and his life. I am sure that your family is still mourning as well, but noone else would know the pain that a mother feels!

Perhaps you could mention to your family that you would like to commemorate this date somehow. Whether it be releasing balloons, or simply getting the family and friends together and just letting everyone share their favorite memory of your son.

I don't know you, but my heart breaks for you. I pray for strength and comfort for you and your family. God Bless you all!

J.

Hey E.,

I truly understand what you are going through. I've lost to children and sometimes I feel the same way. What I suggest is you find a way to honor the memory of your child w/o imposing sadness on everyone. Like for instance, I take time to write a small letter every year on Feb 17 and August 10. This allows me to get my feeling out about my daughter and son. I hope this helps.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I haven't lost a child, but I am recently bereaved. I am in a support group for those who experienced a sudden loss, as you did. Anniversaries and holidays are things they warn us about because they can renew the feelings of devastation.

But not everyone has that sense of calendar observance. Also, people experience grief in different ways. Although I expect you have family members who are just pushing away their thoughts rather than working them through.

I would recommend finding a support group where you are likely to find others who understand what you are feeling. Sometimes (free) group or individual counseling is available through a hospice, funeral home, church or mental health center.

That is has been a couple of years is no limit in grief. That is still a recent loss. Take your time and be good to yourself.

S.

i have not lost a child but the girl i work for lost 2 in 18mth. both due to a car wreck and i can tell you that no one has forgetten the date it is just they don't want to bring it up. it is too hard to forget the date of some one so young. be strong and keep your head up

Dear E.,

I didn't see your message yesterday but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today. I am so sorry that you have had to join the club that no one wants to be a part of...that of bereaved parents.

Our precious 15-year old son died as a passenger in an illegal drag-racing accident 7 1/2 years ago. Today he would probably be married and have babies of his own.

What I have learned is that though the pain lessens, it never goes away completely. But it is possible to go on...though sometimes we have to do it alone within our own family as they deal with their grief in their own way. Unfortunately, that is one of the realities of this type of loss.

However, as others have suggested, if you can find a support group such as The Compassionate Friends, or one through a local funeral home, it helps immensely to get together with other parents who have been through the same thing. There you can talk freely, even after 8 years, of the ripple effect this change is still having in your life. I really encourage you to find such a group.

Again, though our circumstances aren't the same, believe that I sort of understand and am praying for you that God will put His loving arms around you during this time and someday when you see your son again, you'll understand why it had to be this way.

Ben's Mom

I am so sorry E.. I cant imagine the loss of a child. I have lost my parents and brothers and sisters. My brother was killed when I was 8 and every year my parents ignored the obivous. When I got to be older, I started my own tradition at the time of his death and now do the same type of thing at my parents bithday. I celebrate in some way his life not the event of his death. Some times this involved friends and some times it was private. My brother was killed in a hunting accident when he was 12. It was the first time he was allowed to go with the grown ups. I have gathered things important to him and talked about that with friends.For example he played baseball, and I got all his trophies together and celebrated that he loved to play and told stories and rememberd that part of his life. Sometimes I would release baloons in his mememory or do something to remember him that he would have wanted to do. Hope this helps. I definitely think you should let your loved ones know that you are feeling this and ask for what you need from those around you. If they arent ready to help you , find friends who will. Im thinking of you. S.

I am so sorry that you have had to suffer the loss of a child. My older sister lost a three year old daughter and then less than a year later my sister died unexpectedly. I know the grief that my parents felt for years. My dad kept a calendar in an upstairs bedroom from the month/year that my sister died and he would go up there when he needed a little cry and remembering time. My mother was different...she didn't want to talk about it. So I did talk to my dad about my sister on the anniversaries of her death because I knew he wanted to talk and remember her that day. I didn't talk to my mom about her on that day...instead I would talk to my mom about happy memories of my sister throughout the year...and that worked better for her.
So it could be that your family isn't sure whether to mention it or not. You need to let your family know that you NEED to remember that day and invite them to talk about your son to you or with some other remembrance.

dear E.,
my sympathy fully goes to you and family.
how old was your son. the hurt will remain. however, each year instead of being sad cause your son wouldnt want that, try to remember and celebrate all the good times you and your son had together. bless you and family.

My friends lost their 12 year old daughter a few years ago in a tragic car accident. One way they have chosen to remember her is to release balloons at her grave on the anniversary. They invite her family and friends to come participate in the balloon release and talk about the memories they have of her. Maybe you can do something like that. I promise your friends haven't forgotten, but they may not want to bring it up in fear of upsetting you. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately, i have no advice whatsoever, but could not read your request without sending you a note to say god bless you and your family. You are in my prayers as this date approaches for you.
May god bless you!!

I am deeply sorry. I have three babies under the age of six, I dont know what I would do if something ever happened to them. My only advice being I have not lost a child would be...... Talk to your family that is what family is for. If you want to have a birthday part and big dinner whatever you want to do let your family know and they will do it. I am so so sorry. Please let me know how the outcome of this was. thanks.........

E.,
I have not lost a child and cannot imagine the pain and loss. I do however have a good friend that lost her daughter on February 26th. I just read a beautiful email from her about how the Lord is sustaining her. I will be happy to give you her email if that would help. My own personal advise would be to talk with your family about your loss. They are thinking about it and maybe don't want to upset you. You all need each other and your son is still a part of who the other members of your family have become. Yesterday was my Mother's birthday, if she had not died. I called my sister to talk about it. You don't forget, you just eventually find a place for it.
D. B.

My daughter passed away at 6 weeks old. She was born 3 months prematurely. I had a miscarriage before that and now I have a 14 month old. My daughter, Tristin who passed away, would have been 3 years old on July 5th. It was very difficult for me, especially with my younger sister being pregnant at the same time. Our due dates were one week apart! I said all that to say this, it is not a day that goes by, that I don't think of her, or see something that reminds me of her. It is ok to cry and grieve. We all grieve differently. My own husband did not want to talk about our child and he told his family not to mention her to me for fear that it would make me upset. I informed him and his family that it helps me to talk about her and look at her pictures. So on her birthday, I send a donation to March of Dimes-a charity for preterm babies and I also send something to the NICU in her honor for other preterm babies. It is a way to help me celebrate her life. I know it hurts when others don't mention your child on their birthday or the day when they passed away. It is at that time that I lean closer to GOD for support and strength. I find it is always easier to talk with someone who has been through a similar situation as you. Stay prayful and do something in rememberance of your son. It will help.

I think your family might not be acting like today is what it is because they don't want to remind you. They might be thinking if they act like everything is normal then you wont feel it as badly. I know I've been guilty of that type of thinking. It is hard to know how you are supposed to act or if you should say anything because you don't know if saying something will be appreciated or hurt. It really is a tough thing to go through.

E., I know how painful and hard it is, we always do something on my son's angel day, my dad normally calls to see how we are doing but didnt last year and that hurts, I don't go out of my way to tell them. I also celebrate his birthday every year with cake and what not. My son would have been 4 1/2 this year and we lost him when he was 4 months and 2 days due to a bassinet collasping at a home daycare. If you every need to talk I am here. Also you can respond to me for my instant message ID or my cell phone number in Oklahoma.

I can't even imagine how it must feel to lose your child.

It could be that they haven't mentioned it for fear of upsetting you.

It could also be that they're still mourning as well, and bringing it up is painful to them, just as it is to you. Perhaps they don't bring it up because they're still working on their own healing.

Everyone grieves in their own way - some do so more visibly than others, and some do so longer than others. Don't assume that they don't care just because they don't mention it, but if you need their support, don't be afraid to ask for it either.

Hi E.,
I just read your request today and I know that it is late but I am saying a prayer for you right now. I have three sons and my heart would be broken if anything happened to any of them. I know they belong to the Lord and He can do as he wants but I don't know how I would deal. I pray that He is comforting you today and that you would feel His hands lifting you up.
B.

E.,

I am sorry to hear about your loss. I have lost a brother tragically three years ago, who was only 13. He died as the result of an incident at school with another boy bullying him.

My brother was like my own child, I helped raise him and he lived with me and my family for a while. It has been h*** o* me and my family. It has been three years and I don't hardly go a day without thinking about him. We all still remember the day we lost him and but others don't bring it up unless I do.

My immediate family; my brothers, sisters, father and my children get togther and have dinner together on that day.

I like how someone else mentioned her child's passing as their heaventh birthday.

To me to talk about him is to keep him in my thoughts.
I have thought about running an ad every year in the paper or do something to keep his memory alive. I am like you I don't want people sad, but I don't want them to forget. I want them to remember everything about my boy.

So, today we will all do the same for you and your son. We will all keep you E. and your family in our thoughts and prayers. God Bless You!

I am so very sorry for your loss and only a mother who has lost a child could understand the pain you are experiencing. I work in a job that deals with grief counseling and funeral planning. We see family members dealing with grief in so many different ways. We can not know deep down and personally how another person who is very dear to us is coping or handling the same loss in our family. Many people handle grief by speaking out and sharing, others try to cope the best they can and they handle their feelings privately. In your case, do what you can to get through the days and the people around you are probably doing the exact same thing. A local grief support group may be just what you need. I can honestly say that it has helped so many people. They are surrounded with people who understand what they're going through. New friendships are formed and a new comfort level is established. Look in the phone book under counseling (grief) or call a few of the local churches and ask if they offer this or know who does. In our area (Birmingham, AL)this service is free to the community. You are in my prayers.

I'm so, so terribly sorry to hear this pain that you are going through.

Probably they just don't know what to say. You might want to bring it up by calling some of these people and when they ask how you're doing, tell them that you're sad because you miss your son so much and just want to talk to someone about it.

When you think of him, send your son all the love in your heart that you have for him. He's out there somewhere.

<HUG>,
L.

My most sincere comdolences on your loss. I have lost 2 in their infancy, although not like your loss. Your friends and family do remember the date, they probably do not wish to bring it up for fear of upsetting you. It isn't like they don't care hon. You don't mention what form your mourning is taking - are you depressed, or unable to function in life? It surely helps to talk with someone who is not emotionally involved. There are groups for helping you through this - Hospice organizations have bereavement groups, for instance and there are groups specifically for people who have lost children. Please ask someone for help in getting you through this - we never forget our precious babies, but we must at sometime, put the enormous pain we feel in the background and get on with life. You have those three darling little ones, who, I hope, bring you comfort. Remember your baby is an angel in the best home any of us could wish for, far from pain and hurt. Some day you will be able to remember him without tears or sorrow, and know he is well. God Bless you E., and your family. You are all in my prayers.