Need to Know How How to Cope with an Un-wanted Divorce

Updated on June 10, 2008
K.W. asks from Longview, TX
41 answers

I have 4 kids ages ranging from 8 years to 8 months (1 girl and 3 boys), My husband that I have been married to for 9 years, together with for 12 years, wants a divorce... I wouldn't have a problem with it if I deserved it. He is the one that has made some very bad choices, but I told him that I love him unconditionally, like God calls us to do.... But the only response I get from my husband is that he does not care. He has no desire to be with me. This all started when our 4th baby was only 3 weeks old. It hit like a ton of bricks. I was never made aware that there was anything negative like this going through his head. He said he was just stressed with work, and that we were fine... Now he cuss's like a sailor, and loves using rude hand gestures when we talk. He was never like this before. Doesn't do alot for my self-esteem!!

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J.R.

answers from Austin on

I am truly sorry. I am going through a similar situation.We are separating. If you ever need to talk...I can be a good listener.

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B.C.

answers from San Antonio on

Good Morning K.;

Men are strange beings!! I am one,so, I know!!

#1 You must believe that this is in no way your Fault!
#2 Make sure you get a really good lawyer in this divorce!
Just because you still love him, don't be taken for a sucker.
Make sure he pays you plenty so that you do not have to
work and can still take care of the children.

What has actually happened, and this is what you have to
face, is that during this last pregnancy he met another
woman! Now, you have to really think of what type of woman this is! She went out with a married man and she had sex with him!! Since it was probably the first other "sex" he had in
12 years, he thinks it is "True Love"! Wrong! This woman will
be with him for maybe a year, maybe at the longest two, then
she'll find another "married" man and off she'll go. Dumbing
his sorry butt and all of a sudden he'll get the light! Hey,
what was I doing?
When this dawns on him, it will be too late to come back to
you! You are going to move on and have a Great life without
him! After a year, you'll wonder what you ever saw in him!
All the little things that you tolerated over the 12 years
because you were blind will start to surface.
K., quit telling him you love him, quit being nice to
him. Stand up for yourself! When he comes over, don't let
him in the house, make him stand outside to talk, if he ask
why you won't let him in, tell him he gave up this house and
the right to be in it! K., you must treat him like
trash! Which he is!
If you do not have an education, then now is the time to get one! Check all the colleges and find out what programs they
have for a woman who's husband has left her with 4 kids!
It's going to be the roughest year of your life, but, God
will help you thru it!
O.K. one last bit of advice, never belittle him to his children,but, never give him any support, in other words act
and I know that is hard, but, act like you don't like him!
Good Luck
Remember your not at fault!!!

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F.R.

answers from Houston on

K.,

First let me start by saying you DO NOT deserve this type of behavior or gestures from a man you have devoted your life to for 12 years. Not as a woman, wife, mother and friend!!!! I burst into tears when I read your article because 3 years ago I was in your exact shoes. It was as if I wrote the article.
I can only share my story with hopes you can grow from it. Continue being the best person you can be. Walk the higher road at all times, although it is hard to do and be the best mom to those children! Get out of bed, get dressed up-I don't care if you are simply going to the grocery store. Also there is counseling (free) at women's shelter to listen, offer advice and simply be a friend.
My story-I couldn't understand why I felt like I was hit by an 18wheeler when my husband "turned" on me and said he was finished and wanted out. Our children at the time were under the age of 7 (like you it seemed things got worse after the birth of last child) I unfortunately found out he was having an affair with a mutual aquaitance. (I saw some signs but I was happy so I igonored it) For me, this was the final straw as I had forgiven before. Now it all made sense. He was placing ALL the blame on me and my self esteem was shot to hell. He was calling all the shots also which I ALLOWED. I seeked advice from a friend who I trusted and that advice was to stand on my own two feet and seek legal advice. Once I did that- even though my heart ached, broken and confused I filed for divorce (very much against my belief and my unconditional love for this lifelong friend and husband)due to the affair.
It was the hardest battle of my life, his entire family turned on me and the next three months were no other word than "hell."
Everyday was a drama episode. My husband and I both agreed to seek counseling and after this time had passed we were able to move forward, forgive and find ourselves and learn from our mistakes and learn to put each other first. There are many things that lead up to this and no excuses on either party for sure. Our approach in life has changed dramatically. He is the best husband, and friend I once had. He has grown as a father and is involved and helps 100% I too have grown.
Through counseling and having great friends kept me grounded and my self esteem intact. I continue to go to church and read inspirational books by Max Lucado, Zig Ziglar and listen to Tony Robbins. I have started my own business and grown to stand up for myself while being true to myself and continue being a strong woman.
Call your husband on his attitude and let him know you will not allow him to speak to you in this manner. In your own moment ask him to consider counseling and although the road may bumpy and look like a dark tunnel you will find light at the end no matter which way it turns out.
YOU are an intelligent and beautiful woman who has four children looking up to her. TAKE PRIDE IN YOURSELF and find your inner strength to rise above in every occasion although you may feel like crawling into bed-GET UP and DOLLED UP!!! Get involved and meet people who you admire and whether your husband comes around or not YOU WILL BE FINE!!!!!!!!!!! I sure hope this has helped you in some way. You truly touched my heart and I will pray for you and your family.

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N.W.

answers from Odessa on

My husband went through something similar, I put up with a lot for a long time, then I had enough and told him to leave. It was really hard, then he blamed me for everything. I started going to church, prayed for our family, and read a few books. (Relationship Rescue, Dr. Phil was one) He had been in counseling for a while and we both started going. All of those decisions were agonizing. Once he got some time on his own and got his head on straight, we were able to work it out. I credit it to God. You can still love him unconditionally but, I don't believe God wants us to let people get away with things that are wrong either. It takes two to make a marriage work. My prayers are with you, I know this is hard. One of the things I learned is I cannot control anything about him, only he can. Take care of yourself and the kids. God will provide what you need.

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S.R.

answers from Houston on

First let me say that I am sorry that you are experiencing this. It is very hard to experience hurt from the one person that you expect to always have your back and provide unconditional love. With that said, I know one thing nothing will happen apart from God deeming it. It doesn't matter what your husband has said, God has a plan and NOTHING and NOBODY can change it. I do not have all the details of your life and really I do not need them because God remains the same every day. Your job is not to convince your husband that you love him or that you don't want a divorce. Your job is to turn to God and let Him fight your battle. You will have to pray, fast, pray, pray, pray and die to yourself. Most importantly, you will have to trust God and lean not to your own understanding. I am going to send you a private message as well.

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R.N.

answers from Beaumont on

This story I am going to tell you may mean something to you. Every word is true. My friend in Michigan was married for 20 years, had 3 children, and one day her husband came home and said he never wanted to be married to anyone. In addition, he said he never wanted children. His plan was to wait until the youngest child was out of high school before breaking the news and planning a divorce. She was devastated, had no clue, and for several months could not fathom how any of this could have happened.

It's been a year now and the divorce is final. All matters have been settled. In retrospect, she now sees many indicators of trouble, especially before the wedding took place.

She and the former husband are on friendly terms; but, not close by any means. The kids are much happier, and she is loving her new found independence.

Love and prayers. Good luck and best wishes.

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V.M.

answers from Austin on

Will send privately.

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G.D.

answers from Austin on

Wow! Not really knowing what the right thing to tell you, just thought that you need to hear from someone. All I can tell you that you just need to turn to God, ask him to help you. You can ask God for a new love for your husband and to send someone to your husband that can talk to him about what is really going on. At least he wants to see his children, that is good. I also have been divorced and knows what it feels like for the man you thought you would spend the rest of your life with,desides to leave you. Take care of yourself because now more than ever your children need you, if it is hard for us as adults, imagine for the kids. Surround yourself with people who will encourage you and love you and your children during this time.

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L.B.

answers from Houston on

K.,

What I have to say may surprise you and many people on here. But I have to tell it anyway.

I have always planned for the worst and prayed for the best. My husband and I have been together for 16 1/2yrs., married for 15 this July. While he has always wanted to be a dad so badly his whole life, I never really gave it any thought. Honestly, I know that sounds cold and callus, but I grew up in a very big, crazy family and never really thought "I wonder how many children I'm going to have?". I did always think: "I wonder were I'll live, who I'll marry, what kind of job will I have, where will I go to college?" those things only.

When I fell in love with Jeff, I fell in love with his dreams also. Wanting to share our life together and have children with him. We have two. One girl 14, and one boy 12. I have often thought of this situation during the years of our marriage just to see what it is I might do, how would I handle it. And though no one really knows for sure how they would handle things until they, themselves are actually in that particular situation, I have come up with my "plan of action".

Of coarse, I would want to fight with all my might to hold everything together, to try and save our marriage. Going to counseling, pray unceasingly for God to intervene. However if I finally was at the point of "this is real, and this is really going to happen(separation, divorce)", I would leave.

Let me repeat that....If I was no longer his hearts desire, I,I,I....would leave. I would leave him. Still loving him. And I would leave the kids, with him. Still loving them.

This is a test, this is only a test.

To see if this indeed is the life he thinks he wants. To be single, to sow his wild oats, to be young again,...yeah what ever. If he loved me way back when enough to love, honor and cherish me until death do us part, then have children with me, for US to raise together as a Family, and then say something like "I want a divorce." Okay divorce me but the children are yours too. I would say "what makes you think you don't still have to take care of them", and not just child support. Get up everyday and night with them and feed them, change them, bath them, and still get off to work and have energy to love someone else. Go for it buddy.

And sure you'll get the whole judgment trip from everyone, "oh how could you walk out and leave your baby?, your such a bad mother....don't you love them"

Yes you do. So when husbands walk out leaving the mom's, typically they leave the babies too. So do they not love them. The babies, the children that is. NO they do. With all their hearts, they claim they love their children, just not in love with the mom anymore. So with my test...of leaving the children with the husband that wants a divorce, the husband in my opinion who wants to "go play". Find time to play while working and taking care of a family without your partner you choose to do so with. After all that is what you would be doing, only hurting at the same time because of the lose. Give him a reason to remember why family is important. Why having a mom and dad in the picture is so vital to the role of love in a family. And if nothing else give him an understanding of what it will be like for you being with the children all by yourself.

This is just what I would do in my "plan of action" if it were to happen to me.

God bless you and keep you sain.

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C.F.

answers from Houston on

K.,
I want to support parts of several previous answers. 1) Have enough self-respect and personal dignity to stand firm with your husband. There's no need to scream or beg. He's made his choice and now your task is to preserve your self-esteem. You can discuss kid issues with him, but I would keep conversation to a minimum. Talking with him outside the house in a calm voice would be enough. 2) Definitely get a good lawyer. Not the evil, cut-throat kind, but the kind who will be an advocate for your true share of assets and who will take care of your children's near future. Don't wait until your husband has taken everything before you act. 3) Get yourself a good therapist. I am a therapist and I can't imagine weathering this kind of ordeal without a caring, objective person to help keep things clear and focused. We are emotional human beings and rationality goes out the window when we suffer this amount of pain. Friends are great, but a person with training can take you one step further. If you are short on cash, see if there is a university or sliding-scale family clinic nearby. Family Services around Houston charge minimal fees for people in your situation. If your husband is willing, definitely include him in the therapy; however, if he's involved in an active affair, this will not be advisable. 4) If you are a believer, place God first in your life. Pray, read a little of God's word each day, and surround yourself with other supportive women believers. This will lighten your burden and keep you connected. It's easy to withdraw in to darkness and confusion at times like this. I hope this is helpful.

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L.D.

answers from Houston on

You can not CHANGE how someone feels. So you have to bite the bullet through this very difficult time and take it as a life lesson. Please don't become bitter. You have to forgive your Ex. He is the father of your children. You must make this as friendly as possible for the children. Do not put them in the middle for they will be the ones who suffer the most. Children have a way about making a divorce their fault. Get Dr. Phil's Family First book and read read read. Then give it to your husband and tell him to please read it so you can have the most pleasant divorce possible. The best of luck and don't fight over the little things.

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P.B.

answers from Houston on

wow, God wants you to have a better life. It is not going to happen right away but be patient. God wants you to be happy and He knows it will not be possible with your husband. Be strong - you are going to need a lot of strenght for the coming divorce battle. Leave everything to God, ask him to guide you. Good luck.

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J.L.

answers from Austin on

Know above all else that it is NOT you. He has the problem and you have to make sure you don't make it YOUR problem. I had a verbally abusive husband tell me he wanted out for six months. I finally told him, okay, go. He went and I am happier now 4 years later raising my three kids. He is miserable.

I wouldn't suggest pleading with him to stay. That will only make you feel low and possibly boost HIS ego. When he said he wanted out of the marriage, I would tell him fine, but it will cost him to leave.

Good luck.
J.

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B.P.

answers from Houston on

I was listening to KSBJ (christian radio)yesterday and Dr. James Dobson has a segment that he spoke of marriage / divorce. Long story short was when one person in the marital relationship strays, affair or just wants out the other should give them sort of an ultimatum. In case of affair: "I will not allow you to do this to me. You have to choose." If h makes the wrong choice, there is nothing you can do and you should move on.

I have done several bible studies with his books and was really shocked to hear him put this on the line like this. But really, when one strays, what can you do? You owe a better life than that to your children. IF you like him, you might be able to find something from his segment on line.

I wish you luck. I know it will be hard. I will keep you in my prayers.

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C.J.

answers from Houston on

I know this must be a very hard situation for you. All I can say on your end is that it will get easier. Just be strong and keep your faith and you will get through it. I just want to say from the childrens perspective - I hope you and your husband both can respect them through this process. Children always think it is their fault no matter what you tell them. They don't have to know all the dirty details and they don't need to hear you talk bad about each other. It makes them feel as if a part of themselves is bad. Please try to be as civil as possible and reassure your children that the other parent loves them. And try to remain friends for them. And if one day either of you finds another mate, please respect them also. I was lucky enough to marry a man with a wonderful ex-wife. When we first started dating the two of them did not speak and I was the go-between regarding the children (3). This eventually led to them becoming friends again and we have always had a close relationship. His ex-wife and her husband and myself and my husband. Our children are grown now and have told us often that it made a big difference in their life. We were able to spend holidays and birthdays together (and still do). I know a lot of people can't take it to the level that we have, but try to find a happy medium because it does make a big difference in your childrens life.

Good luck and I wish the best for you. Just remember that you deserve to be respected and that God has a plan for you - even though you might not understand it right away. Be the bigger person and put your children first!

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D.M.

answers from Houston on

Girl, all I can tell you is I am praying for you!! I went through a similar situation when I was pregnant with my 3rd child. My husband got totally disconnected and our life wasn't what he wanted anymore i guess. I do know that God answers prayers. Two weeks before our divorce was to be final, we talked, he got saved and he came home. God wants for your family to be a whole unit. He hates divorce and I am sure that you know that. The Devil is also alive and well and is trying to destroy your marriage, as he has tried to do to mine lots of times. He can only do it if we allow him. Plead the blood of Jesus over your family and your children. Annoint your home with oil. Some how the Devil has found his way into your home and is messing with your husbands mind. He can come in lots of ways, thru the computer, tv, radio, anything. Does your husband believe in God the way you do? Girl, I would just tell you to pray, pray, pray. Give it to the Lord and just let Him deal with it all. (Easier said than done, I know.) Just remember in the Bible it says, the Devil is always defeated, Jesus has already conquered. Stand firm on your faith, and watch what God can do. If you would like to talk, my personal email is [email protected]____.com.

I hope I have helped.

D. Mattern-Muck
www.formyrugrats.com

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B.B.

answers from Houston on

My heart goes out to you. He sound as if he is abusive and his no care for you or the kids. Will he go to counciling? There could be another woman in the wings, if so, you need help. In any case you need help. This is a time when you need to stand up and take care of your children. Pick yourself up and get going. Get a job. Get up put your makeup on get dressed and get to work. Your children need you. God will help you and guild you through this. Keep in mind most affairs are over in six months. Get counciling for yourself if he won't go.

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J.J.

answers from Corpus Christi on

Hi K.,
My heart pains for you as I too know what you are going through. The 1st anniv. of my divorce will be on May 1. I was married for 24 yrs and had no thoughts of ever ending my marriage. We survived the death of our first child at the age of 9 mon. old, have had three kids since, I work full time to provide for our family while he had a const. business. Yes we had troubles as any married couple especially one who loses a child but I thought we weathered the storm and could make it through anything.

The last 2-3 yrs. of our marriage were very hard as he was in crisis over the floundering of his business and some poor money management choices on his part. All of a sudden we were having bill collectors call every day and my son had to help his dad clean out his truck as it was reposesed. It was awful and we almost lost our home without the help of his parents as I later learned. Back taxes were paid by them to save us and keep us from loosing property and numerous business assetsa and I had been kept in the dark. NOw our kids knew way too much. They were 17, 15 & 10 at the time. We fought alot but in my heart of hearts, I was arguing for his time and attention because we did nothing together anymore. He would be there at the kids functions but wanted no part of life with me, no intimacy, no converstation, NOTHING. I asked him numerous times if there was someone else and he said no. So I took him at his word.

One day over a yr and a half ago, I got a call from him on my cell phone saying he was leaving to find himself and figure out what he wanted as he was just messed up and needed to figure out his life. I was stunned!!!! He couldn't even face me personally. So I let him go thinking it was just going to be a couple days, maybe weeks and we would get through the crisis. One day my oldest calls me at work because she saw his car at the home of another woman. She said mom, you've got to find out the truth then get out. Wow from you own 17 yr. old daughter. I too have had my self esteem crushed and feel worthless as a woman. Loneliness if very scary and I still hate the nights but that is when I stay busy and then turn to God's word. PHIL. 4:13

To make a long story short, he had been having an affair of and on for over 2 yrs. I caught him at her house twice and he never admitted the truth. She is not a nice woman with a sordid past of her own and one I wouldn't encourage anyone to have as a friend because of all her personal past baggage. So I filed for divorce and am moving on. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do because my kids were involved. I have survived the last year or so by the grace of GOD, with support from my christian family, turning to His Word for encouragement and from my family.

Looking back, my kids say they wish dad had left when they were younger if this is what he wanted. I don't know which is easier as it hurts the teenagers as well and they are in such crucial emotional times.

All I can say is be truthful, try to take the high road and not be negative about their dad to them as hard as it is. You'll slip sometimes and it's ok, you are human. My husband never made any attempt to work on our relationship, never sat down with me to talk about how to talk and deal with the kids, said no to counseling, he didn't want our family anymore. Well, it is his loss and I have to believe that one day he will look back and see his mistake. But now I know it was the right thing for me and I will be stronger and happier for the journey. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as GOD is the one true healer. Time helps and keeping busy. Take care of yourself so you can take care of those precious gifts from GOD as they need a sound and constant example as their foundation. God will reward you. Be prayerful and know that you aren't alone. I had a friend give me a great book by Kristin Armstrong, HAPPILY EVER AFTER , walking w/ Peace & Courage Through a Year of Divorce. It is a daily journal with scripture and her insight following her divorce from Lance Armstrong.

Take care and believe you deserve the BEST and it is out there.
Friend in heartache & survival, J.J.

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A.C.

answers from Houston on

Pray
Pray for your husband
Pray for your family
Let God guide you in all that you do.

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K.W.

answers from Corpus Christi on

Its hard when someone you love makes such a sudden unexpected change in their behavior. My husband and I went through something similar long before we got married. He was wonderful to me, then like a switch was flipped he changed, was distant, making rude comments, etc. I never did anything to deserve it either, it was so confusing. Come to find out he was cheating on me. His behavior shift was because he wanted to piss me off enough that I'd leave him so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about leaving me. His issue turned out to be confusion within himself, and after a year of church and tears and counseling and slip ups and more tears, etc... he finally understood what he wanted in life.... me. Luckily for him I still loved him so I forgave him and we married. He is a wonderful husband, and now that his mind is straight on what he wants, he is so good to me.

I guess my point is.. your husband is going thru some sort of crisis. Whether it is another woman or just a mid life freak out, it is something. Whether what you have can be salvaged or not, I don't know.. only the two of you can figure that out. (church helps) I never gave in to my guy when he tried to push me away, I just stuck it out, the best thing I did though is got myself in counseling... having someone to talk to was what i needed. I can't lie and say there aren't days I wish I hadn't... but those days are few and far between. That said, if he cheated on me now that we're married, I would be on the phone with a divorce attorney that day.

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S.W.

answers from San Antonio on

Kim, I am sorry you are going through a rough time. I have taken the time to read most of the advice you have already received this morning. I am so glad a male responded to you with excellent advice. Thanks Bill!!!! Men like Bill are few and far between but there are there. Kim, I truely believe that there has been a change in your husband's walk with the Lord by example of his recent change in behavior. He is not in the same place he was before. You should seek the advice from your pastor and I think he would probably suggest counseling as well. If your husband will not agree with that and persist with the divorce, then I would take Bill's advice to heart. You need to think about the children and yourself. You will need the child support. Also, my sister's husband got to the bank before she knew what was going on and she was left with nothing and 2 kids. Please be careful. We had to help her until she get child support (that was a joy for us). I agree praying is your best defense against any enemy. Satan will do anything to destroy a family. If is another woman or something else that led him astray, he needs the prayer just the same. Kim, seek support from good Godly women and families. Stay true to God-->as you know WE WIN!!! Thanks Bill for your response to Kim.
Love you in Christ
S. W. Very Happily married to a wonderful God fearing man.

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T.S.

answers from Austin on

God does work in mysterious ways. What is meant to be will be and you just have to make sure that you take care of your kids and YOURSELF, during this challenging time. We will keep your family in our prayers. We have friends that went through a similar situation from what I read and they worked it out through Gods help. I wish you and your family the best.

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J.L.

answers from San Antonio on

K., I can't tell you how to cope with this- I honestly don't know what you're going through except that I know it must hurt immeasurably. I want to say that as a true sister in Christ I will be praying for you. The only two thoughts I had were one, not to agree with the divorce and continue to love him or as the Bible says that if you are married to an unsaved man and he wants to leave then let him- but you don't have to give up. With your continuing love and patience God can use that in a mighty way. Much love and many prayers.
J.<><

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M.L.

answers from Houston on

I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you can save your marriage. If your husband is not normally this aggressive then he may be going through something that he is having trouble handling. Could his pressure level be too high for him and you? I mean 4 kids and working...wow. When he says he does not care, he may just be spurting out wordsYou two may need help!!! Try asking your family or his to babysit a little more. Will they watch the kids over a Friday night (I know you have 4- but maybe the older kids with one set of grandparents and the baby the other side's parents.) Every couple needs alone time to reconnect and realize why they got married in the first place...a small amount of time to get out of your parent roles...remember those days, you will enjoy it too. Talk to his parents, friends, a couple's therapist to find out what is going on. Don't give up!!

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G.P.

answers from McAllen on

Hi K.,

I am terribly sorry for what you are presently going through. This is a tough situation but you need to determine what is truly important to you....which is your family. Talk with your husband. Suggest counseling. Sometimes we go through things and we do not know how to cope....it's okay to ask for help in learning how to cope. If he still refuses, then you need to shift your efforts elswhere....you and your children. You do not want your babies to learn this behavior from him, or think it is okay to receive this type of behavior. Kids are very smart and pick up on many things. Your husband needs to re-evaluate his priorities. Just remember that you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.

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D.A.

answers from Houston on

I'm so sorry, K., but you can't make him stay married to you. In his current condition, with all the cussing and carrying on, I'm sure there's a lot of tension in the house. Focus on healing yourself and the kids, and let him move on. Don't be vindictive, but make sure you get as much child support as you're entitled to. God does not call for us to be doormats, so don't let him push you around and call all the shots. You may have to apply for public assistance temporarily until he starts supporting you and you are able to find a well-paid job. Brainstorm with family and friends. I know this is paralyzing, but you need to keep praying and get moving. God bless you.

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S.O.

answers from Houston on

My ex wanted out for years. I beat myself up trying to make him wanting to stay when our last child was born he walked out when he was a week old, I should have let him stay gone then, because when he came back nothing changed it was an emotional roller coaster you think your doing good just for them to come through that day and say they're not happy for a long time. I was crushed when he finally walked out with a bang that last time my son was a few months short of being 3 yrs by then. I was crushed but I got back up on my feet and have been happy and content ever since. I learned things that I have to offer to someone else, I learned things that I can do on my own, my honey do list most of it I can do on my own. Its going to be hard, but concentrate on God, yourself and your kids and God is going to open a big fat better door. If he wants to be a jerk and leave his family let him, but don't let him talk you out of nothing. When he leaves get a lawyer first it shows the court responsibility get the child support you have coming to you. Oh and by the way this is Texas so there is no alimony but there is maintenance. My lawyer kept me in the separation process as long as possible because that way I got child support and maintenance. I was awarded maintenance, If you have debt of any kind you can be awarded. Mine was even figured out on how many birthday parties a child may go to in a year. You will be fine God is going to bless you, you didn't walk out he did. In the eyes of God a man is head of his house he is responsible for his spiritual well being, his wife and kids. He is the one breaking the vow an oath that you two stood before God and made. God knows your heart, he is going to release you of this turmoil and bless you. Your ex not so good.

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T.C.

answers from Houston on

I just want to say I am sorry. Some of the responses you have gotten are just plain rude and uncalled for. They do NOT know the entire situation. Nor do I.

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him for his decision, whatever that may be. It sounds to me that the fourth child threw him into a stress, and he does not know how to deal with it.

Whether it be another woman, or just the stress, maybe he has the beginnings of depression.

Either way, I think he needs to seek marriage counseling before any final decision is made. Don't let him walk away.

If the case be that there was an affair, is it over? And can you work things out? There are 4 children to be thought of too.

I do hope that whatever happens, you can find the peace within yourself to know its not your fault. You need the strength to raise 4 children. BUT WHATEVER HAPPENS, no matter what HIS reason, DO NOT BADMOUTH him in front of your kids.

May God Bless you and you find the peace you need during this time.

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M.D.

answers from Houston on

Hi K.,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You and your family are in my prayers!

What I can tell you is my experience as a child to parents who were always back and forth for the first 10 years of their marriage and then finally divorced.

I remember when my parents were separated. Those were literally the best times because my mother seemed happy. She had no worries and focused on us (I know this now). Being a single mother, she didn't have alot of money, but we were always doing things. She would drive us to galveston for a walk on the beach or we would go to Hermann park and have a picnic and play at the playground. We went to the dollar movies ALL THE TIME! These were my happy times. When my dad would want "dad" time and come back into the picture, I always knew it would be temporary and it was mostly miserable because of the fights that would eventually happen. Being the oldest, I came to a point that I would tell my mom that we needed to just leave him. But, of course being the father to her children, she always tried. She gave and gave and he took and took. In the end, we left for one final time (5 years after their divorce).
My point is this, your children see what is going on, they hear what is going on, they can sense what is going on. During those times that you feel things can't getting any worse, just know and believe that God has a plan for you and your children. There is no reason why God would want for you to endure the pain that your husband is serving you. Yes, I agree that God wants us to love our spouse unconditionally, but he will sometimes take us down a path that is filled with pain and hurt to bring us to happiness and comfort. Just know that right now, although you are not in a place of comfort, you will look back and see that this was a temporary place and had you not had to endure what you are giong through now, you would not have been led to where you will eventually be.
The ironic thing, my parents are back together. It took 30 years for my dad to finally realize that what he wanted was right in front of him all along. To this day, thinking back on everything my mother and us went through makes me very angry, but it also made me strong. It taught me what to look for in a man and definitely what to avoid. And my dad, he sees how involved my husband and I are with our children and sees what he missed. He tells me all the time that he regrets that he missed our childhood, but is proud of who we are today. I tell him that we are who we are because of how great my mother is and how strong she was. I am the woman I am today because of her. He understands this, but knows that he will never get a second chance with us. Eventually, your husband will also realize it, but there is nothing that you can tell him or do right now. Right now, he is blinded by his "reasons". Be strong! Have Faith! Pray every day, day and night! And trust that God does not take us down the wrong paths!

Good luck!!
M.

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D.C.

answers from San Antonio on

I will pray for your family. My neighbor went through this over the last 2 years. She and her husband had been together for 10 years, with two girls ages 9 and 8. Out of the blue, just like yours, he decided he wanted to go back and do the things he did before the kids (tattoos, other women, etc.) He moved out for about a year. Wouldn't talk to her, barely saw the girls. She loves the Lord, so she prayed all of the time, I prayed for them, asked others to pray for them that God would take care of it in His way and time. She let him know that she would be faithful to him, no matter what; That she didn't want a divorce; That she loved and forgave him for the other women and for the hurt she felt; That she and their daughters needed him. It took a while, but he has been back home for a year now, and they are expecting their third child this summer!

Some men get scared at some points in their lives: some people call it a mid-life crisis. They suddenly feel the weight of the world on their shoulders and think that if they start all over it will be easier. They are so scared that they only think of themselves. Now that he is out of the house he may believe that you can't truly still love him, even though that's not the case. Anytime he does talk to you, at the end of the conversation just say all right, talk to you later, Love you, bye. Whatever your usual phrase at the end of a phone call is, use that, don't make up something new. Don't push for a response, just say it the way you have always done. If he wants to come back he will. Sometimes these things don't work out the way we want them to.

Pray for healing, for him, your kids and yourself. Most of all give it over to the Lord in prayer that His will be done in His time. We can pray for what we want all day long, but be prepared, sometimes the answer is "no", sometimes the answer is "not right now". This is because there is something else we're supposed to find. Whether it be lessons in unconditional love (yes, you already love him unconditionally, but he may need to learn how to accept that love) or another lesson we don't know we need.

My prayers are with you all.

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J.W.

answers from Houston on

K., you must be hurting very badly.
Speak to your husband about accompanying you to marital guidance counselling.
Tell him that you want to know that at least you both gave your marriage every chance you could, even if he does decide later that he still wants OUT.
He's possibly grown tired of the responsibility and you probably both need some time alone together again - but do the counselling thing, it's worth a try!

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S.R.

answers from Houston on

It sounds like he has another woman. Find out and if he wants a divorce, let him take care of all the paper work. YOU can't change his mind... ONLY God can. Pray and trust in God. All things work for His glory!! Tell him you love him no matter what - even if you don't like just now. Get the book TOUGH LOVE and read it. I went through this too but the difference from your story is, my husband was sleeping with my friend. After two years of separation 2002-2003, we are still together and happier than ever.. I can say, we're better now. Take care and God bless,
If you should ever want to email me, write to: [email protected]____.com

Good luck,
S.

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A.V.

answers from Beaumont on

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You are in my prayers. But if I was in that situation and I tried everything that I know to do and he still wants to leave. Then you can't make him stay. Just know that you have God to rely on and I bet you have some great family and friends that will be there for you. Everything is possible with God. Just be a great mother to those wonderful kids and remember he did help give you the greatest thing he could ever give you, those kids. They will need you when ya'll all go through this. Just remember to pray and you will do just fine.

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T.D.

answers from Beaumont on

LET HIM GO!!!! If he cusses like that and constantly giving you rude gestures then tell him to get lost! I got married when I was 17 and had two kids just to wake up one day and we realized we didn't love each other, that we got married because I got pregnant......So I remarried to a "wonderful Guy" and things where great until someone showed him what Meth was. And poof I got your husband a cussing rude always talking down to me no good rotten.......you get what Im saying. By then I had 3 kids 2 divorces and was 24 years old. I weighed a grand total of maybe 96 lbs. I didn't eat because I just didn't understand why the man I loved truely loved wouldn't let me help him. Then one day getting my kids ready for school my 5 yr old told me momma you are a good momma, and I love you. Right then I realized that someone needed me and those little darlings where more important than any man ever could be. So I quit feeling sorry for myself got a job and got back on my feet. All the while not looking for anyone. Then all of a sudden out of the blue a hardworking loving man walked into my life. He loves my kids and puts them first. He is 7 yrs older than me and he said that he is through with all the kid stuff all he wants is a normal peaceful life....Moral of the story turn it over to god and if it is his will for your husband to leave then LET HIM GO. I promise you will be alright and one day he will be the one who wished he would have opened his eyes when he had a chance!

I have read some of the other resposes that say don't let him go you have to work this out....It is your decision that you will have to live with no matter what. But I mean really I am a christian in every sense of the word and this may offend some people. I believe in god and I know that Jesus Christ is my lord and savior! But at the same time we only have one chance here on this earth and you better make the most of it! You have children that deserve no less than happiness, and you and your husband fight and argue all the time they won't be happy. And you have to think about how they will act when they are adults do you want them growing up to talk to their spouses the way he talks to you? I am a very strong willed independent woman who finally caught a break and found a good man. But at the same time I know that I don't need a man to survive in this world. I have the ability to work and provide for my children and I do, and I also have the Faith that one day God will take away all my worries, but for now I do what I can for me and my children. If it is another woman I know I couldn't forgive that but to each their own! Just remember what ever the outcome is you are strong and you can do it and yes you will probably run into some road blocks and cry along the way. Cry let it out, and when you are through crying wash your face and get right back at it...It may seem like it now but I promise this isn't the end of the world and this will make you stronger! Good Luck!

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S.G.

answers from Houston on

K., Sorry to hear you are going through this. I have been in your shoes on more than one occasion and it is definately not a pic nic. I reached out to www.marriagebuilders.com. There is tons of information that might be able to help you and ways you can rebuild your marriage. Of course it does take two but it is a good start for people who need an ongoing support group. In my situation, it was affairs and I finally started recognizing the typical signs. I was so blind and didn't want to see what was going on in front of my face. I started snooping into emails, cell phones and so forth and BAM....there it all was in detail. I truly hope this is not your situation, however whether it is or not, definately look at the tools to re-build. I hope this helps

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S.N.

answers from Houston on

Why would you want to keep someone who doesn't want to be there? You deserve more and soon as you see this the better off you'll be. You have alot more strength than you give yourself credit for, so just tell him kindly don't let the door hit him on the way out. Good luck!

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A.K.

answers from Austin on

pray pray pray! only God can change this. don't make any final decisions, don't say anything you might regret later. pray for him and love your kids and do what you have to to take care of them. talk with your husband (as much as he will) and see if you can get to the bottom of what is really going on. it sounds silly, but see if he'd be willing to call dr. laura with you. she's good at getting down to the bottom of things. i don't mean to make light of your situation at all. i sincerely hope you don't take it that way. surround yourself with as much Godly counsel and support as you can so you stay focused and just pray for wisdom in handling this whole thing. i am so sorry for you and for your kids and you will be in our prayers. good luck and God bless you.

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A.N.

answers from Austin on

K. -

You can count on you and you can count on God. You need to search your heart to make some sense of this and some peace. If you cannot make sense, God will reveal all to you in time - you know you can trust in that. Sometimes this happens - I have seen it happen a few times with friends; trust that although it is very painful right now, you will get through this and something in the future will take you to a much better place - a place that serves you and your children better. Keep your faith on this and focus on yourself, your children and God's love and direction for you now. In time you will see so much that you could never see before - trust me on this!

Alli

R.D.

answers from College Station on

Oh, I am so sad to hear of your troubles. I haven't had to go through it, but I've had to walk my husband and 4 stepsons through the aftermath...it is sooo hard, I know. But You will make it through this! You just keep loving those kids and loving your GOD...He has promised to never leave you or turn His back on you. You kids will have soooo many questions, be honest with them, but hold back on things that they aren't mature enough to hear...BLESS you! Just know that no matter what comes that God has not abandoned you. Things aren't going to be the same, you've suffered a huge loss...go ahead and mourn...but do what you have to to provide the best, most safe environment for those children. Surround yourself with people who are encouraging and helpful...BE strong.

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D.E.

answers from Houston on

Please don't blame yourself. This wasn't your decision or choice. It's his. He is putting his wants and desires before your families. It's great that you have a strong belief in God. Your faith will be a great resource to you in this time. I wish I knew the scriptures better. I do know it says all things happen for the good for those who love the Lord. He will not allow anything in your life that that you aren't strong enough to handle. Use this time to pray and get closer with God and your children, they will really need their mother more than ever. And you as a child of God will really need your Father more than ever. Your husband may know he's wrong, but God gives us free will and we choose what we want to. Eventhough his choice is painful to you now find comfort that God already knows what your future holds. He is in control. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

D.

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K.K.

answers from Houston on

I just want to send my prayers and support your way. You don't deserve this and you can't control someone else. Just pray and make sure to put your children first. Remember that the more you cling to him the way he is acting, the more he will push you away. Start making plans to live your life apart from him, but be open to him coming back with an explanation - but only consider reconciling if he is willing to get some kind of help - be it counseling through the church, or a counselor. You don't want to keep putting yourself through this. Focus on your kids, and let him be. If you are meant to stay together, he will see the light. If he doesn't, it is his loss, and you will have your children to keep you going and give you purpose. Make sure also to stay on as good terms as you can with him and encourage his involvement with the kids - do your best not to let your hurt and anger at him affect the kids' relationship with him (easier said than done, but very important). This has to be SO hard, so feel free to vent and ask for guidance wherever you can get it - including here. You CAN do it, many moms have and are doing it every day, but you need support. There are a lot of supportive moms on this message board and we care about you. I'll say a prayer for you, I know prayer can work miracles and I hope it does for you, even if it is just to grant you peace with your situation. {{hugs}}

Kim

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