Need Help Getting Baby to Fall Asleep on Their Own (Sorry Long)

3.5 months is still a bit too young to expect for her to put herself to sleep. Some kids can do it without a problem, but most aren't ready for it until closer to 6 mos.

Does she like a swing? That was my way of getting my son to sleep without holding him the whole time. After he became very used to falling asleep in his swing, without me in the room, he was much more willing to fall asleep in the crib by himself.

I would start having some soft music playing when you're getting ready to put her to bed. Initially, I would probably just keep letting her fall asleep before you lay her down. Then, after she associates that music with going to sleep, you could try laying her down while awake but drowsy, and (hopefully!) she'll pass right on out!

ETA: I have a 3 1/2 month old, too! :)

Different babies have different needs for holding and security. Some babies cannot handle being left awake and alone in a crib until well into their second year. While there are some babies who are sleeping well on their own by a few weeks old, I've been doing a lot of observing, asking, and reading over many years, and I'm pretty convinced those easy babies are the exception. There are others who can be discouraged into giving up, but I don't believe that's good for their long-term emotional health.

And science has shown that when exposed repeatedly to stress hormones, which a tiny body pump out every time the baby is upset, some brain areas actually shrink in size. This does not bode well for normal emotional development.

Some pediatricians hold to rather rigid ideas about how to "train" babies. Those ideas did not work for my daughter when she was little, or for my grandson. And they created unnecessary stress for me and my daughter and son-in-law as young parents. I have come to believe that it's far healthier for all to give the baby what he/she needs. That piercing cry is intended to get a parent to recognize that a genuine need is being expressed.

And I've heard/read repeatedly that babies under 6-9 months do not develop habits. They merely express needs. Sorry, but I think you'll actually feel happier if you learn your baby's patterns and cries, and respond when she's crying with intensity. You'll both be less upset, and you'll have far more precious memories of these early months of bonding. Yes, it is demanding and exhausting, but you'll be surprised how quickly it passed.

This is exactly why I co-slept :) But that is not a solution for everyone. She is still so young, I would try initially rocking her to the point of sleepiness, but not all the way asleep. When you go to her room, don't rock her or pick her up, but gently rub her tummy, feet, head, whatever calms her. Having some white noise in the room may help, like a light fan.

Dr. Sears is an expert in this area and has some wonderful tips on helping your baby stay asleep.\, especially the 'sleep trainers beware' section:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems

Oh, I love the morning routine, sleep in for a few more hours with baby.

Good luck!!

I agree with those that said your baby is way too young to sleep train. I know some people are very successful with it, but I also think their babies are just better sleepers to begin with. I followed my kids' cues at this age, I believe they cry when they NEED something not because you haven't trained them right. She's upset because you aren't meeting her needs. Hey look, we all try something with our babies because someone else told us to. Stop listening to everyone else and listen to your baby. She needs you to hold her more, and probably feed her more often at night. Holding a 3mo old baby is NOT creating a bad habit, it's meeting her needs.

I've slept with my 6 y/o since her birth. When baby #2 was born just shy of her 6th birthday, she moved to a toddler bed at the end of our bed and our newborn son (now almost 3 months) is sleeping in bed with us. Infants - young children whom sleep with their parents, on average will sleep MORE and wake up less over the course of the night. There will be no screaming, crying, whimpering, etc - because the person who matters most to the child (Mommy) is there to protect them.

Your infant has shown you already that sleeping next to her Mommy is how she will fall fast asleep in your safe presence. Are you going to completely take that obvious clue and force her to be miserable until she just gets so worn down that she won't fight you about it anymore? Most Americans do just that to their innocent children... so at least if you completely neglect the need she is telling you in her infant communication you will be in the slight majority.

What you described is included in part of the "Ferber" method of sleep training. Some folks call it "cry it out" but it really isn't just letting them cry until they crash. However, it is not recommended until they are closer to 6 months of age.

For now, at your daughter's age, I would stick with whatever you were doing before that worked. For us, it was nurse in the rocking chair, they fall asleep, I wake them up a tiny bit by josseling them as I put them into the crib, and they went right back to sleep.

ETA: and lights out while nursing so that it is dark (or darkER) and quiet except for soft instrumental music.
:)

I haven't read the other responses yet but I'm gonna tell you to SERIOUSLY do what works for your baby! I'm SERIOUS! Don't worry about bad habits at this age either. When I had my first daughter she was a difficult sleeper...really bad...she slept in her car seat for about a month. I tried to do everything "right" by the doctors rules perse. It drove me crazy...and I was so stressed. When my second came I threw everything out of the window. I did ONLY what worked for him...I didn't care what anyone else had to say. He slept with me in my bed plenty of nights (safely) and because he would absolutely not sleep on his back I would have him sleep on his belly in his bassinet in our bedroom. He slept in our room until he was 5 months old and he could roll over on his own. Then I transitioned him into his own bed in his room. But I swear if I had just followed my own motherly instincts with my daughter things would have gone so much smoother. They have "guidelines" for lack of a better word in place to keep your baby safe but not every baby fits into those "guidelines". So do your best to keep her safe in whatever you do, whether it be co-sleep or on tummy but ULTIMATELY do what works for you and your baby and release that stress! I wish I had rocked my daughter to sleep. BUT I rocked and rocked my son to sleep. I loved it and so did he! Good luck Mom!!!

So I have read some of the others and I just want to say that each baby is different. Some babies you lay down ''earlier" and then fall asleep on their own some will not have it. My daughter was very high needs and she still is at almost 4. She needs lots of holding, hugs, kisses, and plenty of one on one attention. My son was a bit more independent so he was willing to sleep on his own at 5 months. But when my daughter was young she still wouldnt want to be left alone to fall asleep on her own. Follow your instincts! Follow what works for your baby! Try out new things slowly if that doesnt work try something else until you find what works. She may eventually grow out of wanting to be rocked once she is older. SHE will let you know. Dont put your baby into a "one fit all" box! Good luck Mama!!!

Kathleen R!!!! RIGHT ON!!! My daughter was a horrible sleeper until she turned 2! If ONLY we had done what she wanted and what worked for her things would have gone better!!!!

A pediatrician is a medical doctor trained to diagnose and treat medical problems. A baby's sleep habits are not a medical issue, they are behavioral and emotional.
I absolutely agree with Stephanie F. If I had just done what my son was *telling* me he needed from the beginning (which was to be close and snuggled up at ALL times) then our first two years of nighttime life with him would have been SO much better.
With my daughter I decided to just do what worked. Yes, we lost sleep with both babies, but much less with baby number two because I didn't fight so much with her.
My advice to anyone with a baby having sleep "issues", don't listen to your pediatrician, listen to your baby. Also, think about this, the reason there are SO many sleep training books out there is because sleeping soundly all night in their own space is totally unnatural to ALL babies - western culture is the only one that promotes this "need" in the family unit, all other places in the world co-sleep.

I think you are starting a little young for this method. Try again when your baby is 5 or 6 months.

I'm in a similar boat with my 2.5 month old. Although he will at times call asleep on his own. Especially in the middle of the night- thankfully. I think you are doing It backward though. From what I have read you should go in the room but dont pick them up. Leave her in the crib and pat her back and tell her you love her then leave. If you pick her up it's a tease.

Can she lift her head?

We discovered our daughter went right to sleep once we could put her on her tummy.

Have you tried Swaddling your baby, many love it it comforts them to feel snuggled.
Here are the instructions.

http://www.parenting.com/gallery/how-to-swaddle-a-baby

Her behavior is completely age appropriate! It is so normal for babies to want the comfort, warmth and security of mommy or daddy while falling asleep. At this age they do not develop habits. There's really no need to worry about that. They change their habits every couple of weeks. Right now, she is making her needs known to you. She needs your love and comfort.

If rocking her to sleep works, go for it. Nothing wrong with that. Seriously, just do whatever works. At this age I usually nursed to sleep. At some point that really stopped working, so I rocked to sleep. Both of my kids eventually grew out of that as well, and we began other routines.

For now, I would just do what works. As she needs the routine to change, she'll let you know.

I have an almost 3-month old and have been given the same advice by my pediatrician as well as several books. This is my second babe and my first was a NIGHTMARE when it came to sleep so this time I'm determined to do things differently. I have no idea at what point my older one formed bad habits, but I can tell you he did. He never learned to self-soothe and so he ended up needing our help to fall asleep every time he woke up or even hit a light stage of sleep until finally at 11 months old (when he could stand up in his crib) we finally had to let him cry it out. It did work, but it was horrible so I don't want to go through that again, or the waking up 2x/night and walking around the house to put him back down.

SO, anyway, I do believe in the importance in giving them the opportunity to learn to fall asleep on their own if at all possible and I'm starting to work on it too. One thing that sometimes works for me is when I put him down drowsy but not totally asleep, I just pat his back for a couple min. It seems like its an in-between level of soothing him - he's not in my arms, but not completely on his own either. The other thing I've had decent luck with is sometimes I do let him fall asleep in my arms but then when I lie him down I kind of jostle him a tiny bit just enough to kind of stir him. So he's already completely asleep and just has to get back that way.

I'm just as interested in you in reading everyone's advice on this, but there's my two cents for what its worth!

Everything Stephanie F. said. Do what your heart tell you!! My son only wanted to sleep being held. We used the carseat for a while too...helped immensely. I nursed him to sleep until I finally weaned him at almost 3. Guess what, he is a great sleeper. I do still stay with him while he falls asleep but I like it and so does he. Do what feels right and don't stress about doing it "wrong".

Don't let the baby cry. She is too young. 6 months is when you can cry sleep train.

In any case, put her down drowsy but awake. When she fusses, pick her up, sing her a song, and then put her down again. Repeat until she falls asleep. It will take a few days, but she will get it.

As Erin said, picking her up is a tease. I think the reason she got so upset was that you kept coming in and even though you didn't rock her, you picked her up and held her each time she cried, she wanted you until she fell asleep, and that's why she screamed even when you picked her up, she was MAD!

Best to wait a few days, but make sure her room is darkened for naps and night so she begins to associate the darkness with going to sleep, have some white noise (a fan blowing softly will work), and when you try this again leave the lights off when you go in, (a nightlight is fine), talk softly, don't pick her up but rub or pat her tummy, or leg soothingly as you calm her and tell her you love her, and good night. Leaving her in the crib is a big part of her learning to fall asleep on her own. It will happen, give it time.

She's 3-1/2 months old.
My kids were pretty great sleepers at night by this age, but not all babies are and it's okay.
My son was 3 weeks to the day old when my mother in law passed away so me and the kids had to travel long distance to go over and help my husband with arrangements, etc. My son just kind of got used to sleeping anywhere. In a hotel bed, in a hotel crib, in grandma's bed, on the couch. In his stroller bed. I nursed him, layed him down and he konked wherever I put him. This wasn't a matter of anyone advising me, it was the situation. My mother in law had died and we were away from home and there were people around and a funeral and it just was what it was. We didn't have his bedroom and his crib and all his things. We were on the fly dealing with a death in the family. I layed down with my son to nurse him and once he was asleep I was up and running. Things calmed down after we got things settled and were back home, but my son, at 16, has never outgrown being able to sleep anywhere. Literally. That was life as he knew it from 3 weeks old.
Your baby is 3 and a half months. This will be a work in progress if she isn't a natural sleeper. And that's okay.
Definitely don't let her feel any of your anxiety over it.
Sleep is a good thing. That's when babies grow.
However, they don't always sleep "on a dime".
Schedules are good, but you have to remember that babies can't read the schedules or what people think they should do.
You just have to keep trying. Keep snuggling.
My kids didn't sleep much during the day but they slept well at night.
I think it's about just being calm as possible about it and comforting.
You also need to realize that the older they get and the more alert they are and aware of their surroundings, they will fight sleep. My daughter went through that with my grandson and he's doing much better now.
Just have a routine.
Nigh nigh is good for babies. Tell her so. Even though she's young, read Good Night Moon, and say good night to the bathroom light, good night to daddy, sweet dreams, mommy's not going anywhere. I'll be here when you wake up.....
It just takes time.

At her age, she's going to love your closeness most and that's not a bad thing. In time, she will learn that she's okay to sleep without you holding her.
It takes practice.

Best wishes.

My suggestion is maybe you are putting er down awake when she is too tird. There is a window of opportunity that if you miss it, generally does not work :) I would put her down BEFORE she is appearing drowsy to you - usually by the time we see it, they're too tired. After she's been awake about 2 hours at MOST I would lay her down to sleep. This is what I did with my son and he has always put himself to sleep. I don't think I have ever rocked him to sleep once.

To those who are saying your baby is too young to sleep train - I don't think you're talking about full sleep training here. You and your doctor are talking about creating some healthy sleep habits. There is NOTHING wrong with doing so from the very beginning. The methods just are different at this young age, compared to say, 6 months old.

Get the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth. I cannot rave enough about this book. I used it from day 1 with my son. It divides the book up into what you can be doing to help create a good sleeper at different ages - no where does it suggest your little one this age should cry it out all night or anything like that at all. It is seriously called The Bible in our house, haha!

Remember that sleep begets sleep in babies and children. The more tired they get, the harder it is for them to sleep. The more yo ulet them sleep, the more they will sleep. My son has always shown us this. Case in point - right now my son is sleeping and it's 8am here. For the past 2 weeks, he has been getting up wayyyy too early and unable to stay asleep past 5:30 or so. He had been going to bed around 7:15 pm. So last night, we put him to bed at 6:30 pm and low and behold......sleeping much MUCH later than he does when put to bed later at night! I'm not suggestiong your daughter is going to do this at her age - but my point is, the more you can do to protect her from being over tired - the easier your lives will be.

Good luck - you can PM me if you have any more ?'s about this as I was very successful with creating my good sleeper :)