I am a single older mom of a very loved 12 year old son. I am really having trouble with him recently, We argue much more than ever and I'm feeling very frustrated, guilty and sad. I am losing patience and I want to learn how to deal with him in the best way possible. How have all of you dealt with your teens when they are difficult? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
I think you'll love the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding their own solutions. They teach how parents can establish their own needs and boundaries in a clear, understandable, and respectful way.
You might try reading 1-2-3 Magic. It is designed for kids from 2-12 and your son is at the oldest end... but the methods in the book might give you some insight into how you "let" him argue with you when it is not appropriate. I don't always remember to use the 1-2-3 for everything, but when my 11, almost 12 yr old, starts arguing with me (not for a valid discussion, but to avoid whatever is being argued about) then I recall what I learned in the book.
It's a quick read.
Love and Logic for Teens is great as well as Boundaries with Teens. I loved both of these books and they have great information for handling the trials of raising independent kids.
Blessings!
L.
Dear P.:
Welcome to the teenage years!! My sweet, loving 10-year-old daughter turned into a moody, argumentative 12-year-old, too. Now at 14 it's like a light switch, off/on, off/on. I frequently feel like I've got twins, a good and evil one!
I'm finding I'm falling back on how I dealt with my daughter as a toddler. Pick your battles. What is also extremely important is respect, which is a two-way street. My daughter and I frequently will disagree, but there is no name calling by either of us. If my daughter is angry she will go to her room to cool off, and vice versa!
What we do with arguments is when everybody is calm my daughter presents her side. I present mine. If she does not like my decision she can "appeal" it with her reasons why it's "unfair." She asks me why I made the decision. If she can find a way around my concern, i.e., "Can I go out with my friends if instead of seeing the 9:00 movie we see the 6:00 movie?", then I'll change my decision.
Nobody likes to be told "because I said so." I know I never did! But I also will not let an argument drag out. If our discussion becomes "but I want to go!" and whining, end of discussion. You will have stomping and door slamming on occasion, but it gets less and less with time. NEVER, NEVER make the mistake of giving in to one of those door slamming sessions!! It's worse than giving in to a 3-year-old with a tantrum!!!
I've also found teenagers want to keep the communication door open with parents, but on their terms and schedule. I've had to learn the time to talk with my daughter is when she comes up with something while we're driving or she's the one that brings up a subject on the TV commercial, et cetera. If I try to start a serious conversation I can just watch the eyes glaze.
Hang in there. It's natural at this time for your son to be argumentative and not as close to you, at least off and on. You need a friend, family member or somebody that you can gripe to about your son. It just helps with the frustration sometimes!
L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daughter
The answer to a lot of your problems is HE IS A 12 YEAR OLD BOY. We are in the same boat. I think 12 is worse than 16(we also have a 21 year old so we have been there before) He loves you one minute and hates you the next. He is not sure if he is a little boy or a teenager. Just keep working at it, try not to lose your temper no matter how exhausting and most important keep telling him you love him. Right now he feels lost and confused and does not love himself. Remind him how great a kid he is and concentrate on his good traits. Have patience, he will outgrow it. He is growing up and needs some space, make sure you are not smothering him. I have assumed age is his problem because you did not mention problems with friends or school, if there are other issues you may need to talk to a professional. Good luck.
Oh my gosh. I am going through the same thing with my 12 year old nephew that lives with us. He has always been so wonderful and loving and now he is turning into something horrible. :) I know it is just the age and I try to remember how I felt during this time. I really don't have any advice so I will be checking to see what others have told you.
