I am due in 9 days with our first child. My stepson will be 9 in April. The last 2 months, my stepson has turned into (what I like to call) "The Incredible Velcro Kid". He has to be attached to his dad at all times. He wants nothing to do with us, or me, or anything baby-related, he just wants his dad. It's to the point where he will constantly pester his dad while he is trying to do his homework (he went back to college last year), or help out with housework, nursery setup, etc. If the two of us are watching TV, or if we go anywhere in public, he doesn't like when his dad and I sit together, so he will wedge himself inbetween us. Remember when your kids were little, and they would hold onto your leg while you would do things around the house or when they were throwing a tantrum? My SS started doing this a couple months ago as well, along with literally climbing on his dad when he is doing just about anything (mostly watching tv or reading a textbook for school).
We, along with his mom and stepdad, have talked to him at great length about this whole "new baby" thing (at least we've tried to). We talked to him about it when he was 5 and his mom and stepdad had a baby, so it's not like he's never been through this before. He was a lot more receptive about this when he was 5, and I'm not sure why he completely tunes us out now. I understand he is probably a little insecure about this new baby thing, but I have never seen him act out this way. Lately, he has been going out of his way to ignore anything we tell him to do, whether it's chores or something as simple as finishing a meal or doing homework. My husband blows it off like it's nothing (even though he is starting to get irritated by this new behavior).
What concerns me the most is when we do bring the baby home. Will this behavior get worse? Will it continue, and for how long? Our therapist has told us to just keep reassuring him that he will still be very loved, and we're not replacing him, etc, but none of this reassurance seems to be working. Did any of you have this issue with your kids? Did they have a big age difference? I guess I just thought at nearly 9 years old, he would be more emotionally prepared for this.
There have been good answers so far, but one thing I am wondering is: How were things AFTER his mom and stepdad had a baby when he was five? (Not putting them down or anything, let me say that!) Did he feel ignored? Maybe he is afraid that will happen this time. Also, maybe he realizes that his excitement/acceptance when he was five didn't play out like he thought, so now he is more wary of a new baby. Just a thought.
He may be clinging to Dad because he fears you will no longer love him once you have a child of your own. He worries his Dad will join you in this new family and there will be no place for him. It may just take time, and you and your Hubby giving a little extra to him before and after the baby comes, to make him feel secure in the fact that he is not losing either of you, but gaining a little brother or sister. Respect his fears, they may be unfounded, but are very real to him, and address them with love and patience. This is a huge change in his world, and he knows from experience how much time a new baby takes, and he may feel you will have nothing left of yourselves to give to him. You can talk all you want, but it is the actions that will disprove his fears.
I suggest that a 9 yo is not emotionally mature and that you're expecting too much from him. He's insecure and more insecure than a 9yo from a home that has not been broken would be. He's had to make adjustments that are especially difficult. This is one more adjustment on top of the others. We all reach a saturation point at which we lose our flexibility.
He's regressed. I was a foster mother and was taught to accept the regression of foster children as normal and to accept them at the age that they are at emotionally. Let him sit between the two of you. Give him attention before he asks for it. Continue to include him in your activities as if he hasn't pulled away from you. Remind him often of your love for him. Do this not only with words but by doing special things with or for him.
Be sure to include him in most things related to baby even tho he seems to not want to be included. He's not sure he fits in and is afraid. When you continue to include him he'll find his place.
In your post, it seems that you're depending on words to make a difference. Words influence the intellectual part of us. His behavior is the result of how he feels. Until his feelings are acknowledged he will continue to be needy. You can use words to let him know that you know that he's feeling needy and afraid that he'll be left out. But, do not add that it's not true. Remember you're acknowledging and accepting his feelings. When you tell them that the cause for his feelings is not true you're telling him he's wrong to have those feelings.
I recommend that you stop talking about the new baby and what is involved and focus on him and how he feels. When you're focusing on how he feels do not use words as much as actions. Allow him to be a velcro boy for awhile. He'll eventually feel reassured and stop the behavior on his own.
The other responses have been centered on your step son's reactions and feelings. It seems you were looking for more than validations of his fears, and were already in tune to what was going on here. If you want help in dealing with the behaviors (tantrums, ignoring instructions, clinging to legs, etc.), I really recommend the Love and Logic parenting books. Their methods will help you resolve the negative behaviors without anger or yelling. The authors stress natural consequences for behaviors, and the use of empathy as the parents provide the consequences. These are great methods that will help you now with your "tween", when your step son is a teen, and when your new arrival is of preschool age. Good luck to you.
at this age of 9, they are pre-teens. Your son is a "tween". Tweens are from 9-13 years old. Some kids this age start to change biologically AND emotionally... many hormones, developmental changes etc. It must be a doozy for him. He is 9.... and a child. His world is gonna change... and each age juncture brings with it different emotional/developmental issues and complexities.
So he is dealing with that, and having a baby, and his parents changing with respect to that and so many things a child's Imagination and feelings encompasses.
He's feeling insecure and even not knowing how to feel or cope. If he senses that "he" irritates everyone... well, he may regress further. Mainly let him know he's okay and its okay to feel uneasy, and that he can talk about it.
"Regression" in a child is a symptom of stress. Or that they don't know how to cope with something.
Give him time. Not base it on his "age"... nor have expectations about his behavior based on his age solely.
Maybe, and some kids are this way... they feel stressed about being an "eldest" child...and all the expectations upon them. It is a big thing to carry on their little shoulders and they cannot always handle it. "Expectations" of a child (by the parents), does not equal "readiness" of the child.
Try not expecting him to be a certain way, just because of his age.
He is probably a velcro with his Dad... because his dad is his "soft place to fall".... and all children need this, and at times like this. Its good, that he bonds with his dad and feels affectionate with him and looks up to him... for "problems" and what not. Nurture that. It is important for a boy... and since he will be entering into teen-hood. Once he is a "teen" and a pre-teen... you want to be SURE he continues to come to his dad or you... for anything, problems, questions, anything. Otherwise... if he goes the opposite direction & shuts you out and his Dad, you will have a BIGGER problem and more rebellion and him not even opening up to you both nor telling you about what is going on in his life etc.
All the best,
Susan
It sounds like your house is the only place he doesn't have to share. If he has been through this before, is there a chance that he does not get near the attention he did before the other baby was born and he knows that? I would make it a point to have Dad spend some good one on one time with him.... maybe even once a day for 15 min. or so... and at the end of that time, maybe he can remind him each day that he will still be just as loved when the baby comes. He should also see you setting this up from time to time so he doesn't think you are the intruder... if you need something quick from the store, suggest him and Dad run and get it while you stay home, etc.
Hello,
Interestingly you write your question as a victim and I'm sorry but the only victim in your ENTIRE family (other mom, baby and step dad as well) is the one who has NO intact family. He is shepherd from one family to another, he has to deal with 4 sets of parental emotions, opinions, disipline and traditions (along with a host of other things family). He is more then likely resented at for being in the way of what could be a perfect family. He is the victim and at a horrible age to have to deal with anything other then is social life at school - which is only going to get harder. Let him be a velcro to his dad - IT'S HIS DAD! Let him have a bad day! Let him feel jealous, angry, confused. Let him FEEL! Most of all let him feel that his emotions, his thought are justified. He is scared of the unknown or possible the known if his last baby took all the attention and was cute and laugh at (in a nice way). Your step son is a victim, treat him like one.
M.
This sounds a lot like my daughter's behavior at 12--just before she made that leap into the teen years. She clung to me like a two year old. If I had know it was the last hug I would get for ten years I would appreciated it more. Your son's behavior is probably a combination of the baby and separation issues.
Hi,. I was already formulating an answer before I got to your direct question: have any of you been there with this issue. i have not.. so i'll be brief :)
Sounds to me his "Tank" needs to be re-filled more. his love and attention tank. fill it up early everyday and see if this makes a difference.
Perhaps Dad needs to do most of the re-filling & 'make' time for his son.. and then do his homework & other chores he perhaps does not want the son to help with. Or... son & dad do homework and chores together everyday - although dad's not used to velcro.. perhaps fake it (sincerely) for awhile :)
I know from my sons 6/3 -- I'm worried by the time they reach 7-9 they will start pulling away and not want to be doing as much with the parents.
good luck with the transistion..
all the best,
-marg.
first of all, congratulations to you and your family, the upcoming baby will be the cement that binds you all together...eventually. My oldest was 14 and second born was 10 when my husband and I had our first child together.
we didn't go thru the extremes your battling, but we had some rough spots believe me. Seven years later when the youngest came along, (oldest was now 21 and 2nd child was now 17) you would've never known there had ever been any riff between any of them...This weekend (11 years later) when I got the wonderful news Im going to be a grandma again, we all cried tears of joy! I am blessed to say my two grown daughters are my best friends, and they have been great role models to there younger sisters, who have in turn been wonderful aunts to their kids. Take heart, just keep loving those kids unconditionally, really unconditionally, but of course boundaries, and it will all work its way out. The boy just needs some time to get used to the idea, and once baby gets here I bet things will get better, who can resist a newborn? Hang in there!
Your house has been his safe haven, where he is the center of attention and doesn't have to share his Dad with another sibling. He's fears losing his place. Have you taken him to a sibling prep class at your hospital? I know he has a younger sibling at his Mom's, but this would give him an edge on other kids in the class, having been there done that, just there for a refresher. His knowledge would provide a source of pride in being 'in the know'. You can't succumb to his divide and conquer behavior. Not knowing how old he was when his parents separated/divorced, wanting to be 'the' one child can cause problems in a family. My nephew was an only, and even today at age 19, he can't tolerate not being the center of attention. He's extremely jealous of any partner his parents have. The have been separated/divorced for almost 5 yrs. When they were together, the nephew couldn't share his parents with each other, family time was difficult, he wanted one on one time. Even when he's at his grandma's (my Mom), he doesn't want his cousins around because she would interact with them. In short, hold your ground. Keep family time, family time for the 4 of you. Plan excursions for some one on one time for him and you, or him and his Dad... but for the most part, it's shared experiences. Dad needs to set boundaries for himself so he can get things done for himself. And you and your husband need to have adult time.
I wish you well. Enjoy the new baby!!
I think that he is kind of jealous about the new baby. I believe that your husband should have a conversation with him letting him know that he is so important as the baby who will born, it would also be great if they can share time together in any activity that he really enjoys . I think that he is afraid of loosing the attention of his father so he needs to know that nothing will change even the baby demands a lot ot attention.
Good luck and blessings for your family
Kids will always want to be the center of attention. I know you said that he is clinging. Is there a way to include him in a more positive way?
Thinking like help his Dad with the nursery setup, let him help pick the name or middle name? Help pick out the carseat or going home outfit?
You could also check with your local hospital about a class. The hospital here offers Big Brother/Sister classes so that they can learn to help with the baby. Maybe all of you could take a 'getting ready for baby!' class? Make it fun and purposely make some fun/gross situations? Boys are all about gross things! Maybe Dad and him can bond over how they Don't want to change the messy diaper?
Just some thoughts. Good luck and congrats!
M.
