Influencing Full-Time Daycare Child's Behavior

Some kids are shy, some are loud! Both my kids went to daycare as infants and stayed thru kindergarten, and every child's personality was unique! Some quiet, some loud. Even my own two kids are different personalities and for the most part both had the same exact teachers. What you're describing sounds age appropriate so I wouldn't worry too much!

Hi K.,

I've been working in various aspects of childcare (preschool teacher, toddler Lead Caregiver, nanny) for the past twenty years. You may be in luck and have some great caregivers who can become a team with you in helping your daughter.

From what you describe, her biting and hitting are very 'within reason'. (Putting anything in the mouth of a little one will likely result in being bitten, so do keep fingers out of there.:)) Just telling her "no" firmly and putting her down should be enough. Age-appropriate response is important, and at this age, removing yourself from the situation is enough for her to learn that "when I do this, my beloved mama or daddy puts me down--I don't like that". It's simple and effective and avoids the power struggles that trying to seat a child for time out might bring on. They (wee ones) simply can't intellectually understand anything beyond removing one's self.

Optimally, your daughter's caregivers and daycare are going to be a team with your family and a resource for you. Your pediatrician can also help, too, if you have question that you don't feel are being answered by the caregivers or the daycare director or ECE coodinator (early childhood ed; they often oversee the curriculum and structure of the programs for each age).

What must also be remembered is that we can hope for a certain 'type' of kid, but a lot of what we will see is their very own temperament coming to the fore, sometimes regardless of environment. Plenty of 'stay home with mom' kids give their parents a serious run for their money. Daycare is often needlessly demonized. We moms have a huge burden placed on us; our culture gives us messages that any small abberation from 'perfection' in our child is our fault. I think perhaps this is what you were feeling when you made this comment " I'm wondering if this is all normal behavior for her age, or if I am already failing as a parent?" Failing as a parent goes far beyond having a kid who is expressing her personality. It sounds like you are doing fine.

One last thing I would suggest would be to take some parenting classes, just to give yourself and your confidence a boost. We can't know what sort of personality our kids will have, but we can learn how to respond to the everyday challenges of parenting. JoAnn Nordling (author of "Taking Charge" and cofounder of The Parent Support Center in Portland OR) suggests that children younger than 2.5 years really can't deliberately 'misbehave'; but we can help them by adjusting the environment and controlling our own responses to their undesired actions.

Good wishes....

I would listen to Hazel W., her answer is excellent. I would reiterate, I really think you need to TALK with your pediatrician and your child's caregivers about your concerns. When you start to address your concerns instead of just worrying about it that will give you a sense of control over the situation instead of worry and helplessness.

I can tell you are carrying a huge amount of guilt and anxiety about your child going to daycare and I think that is a bigger issue that you need to work on as well (Not that it's your fault! I know from experience how hard it is and I still struggle with it myself). The language in your post, things like "failing as a parent," "paranoid," "rambunxious, disobedient, physically out of control," "my influence is so minimal," etc. make it clear you are just so miserable with this situation. :( I am wondering if you just recently went back to work? I felt the same way you did when I was pregnant, I was very anti-daycare but quickly felt very comfortable and happy with the care my son receives there. I know several other children his age who go to FT daycare and they are ALL very different personality wise. A few are a bit aggressive, most are not. (My son by the way, is just the happiest, sweetest kid ever. :))
As for feeling your influence is "minimal," look at it this way - your daughter probably naps 2 hours a day when she is there, so that is 6 waking hours in daycare. Well....you probably spend a few hours with her at night and maybe an hour in the morning as well, and then ALL weekend. Not to mention all the times when you stay home because she is sick, holidays, time off, etc. So yes....they are helping you raise your child but to say you are "minimal"? No...it sounds like you are sort of being dramatic because you are so sad that she goes to daycare. I know how hard those feelings can be. Please remember to take care of yourself. You may even want to try counseling so you can work through these feelings and enjoy life more. Best wishes!

Kids that age (well, at any age really) like to test their boundries and being around other kids will only magnify it. You daughter probably sees bad behavior all the time, and although I'm sure she's sees discipline and correction from the teachers, she still has to test out those behaviors herself.

And some kids are more easily influenced and are a product of their environments.

Right now she doesn't understand right/wrong, much less doing right/wrong. She is just now breaking free and discovering she is part of a bigger world, and that is just plain dang EXCITING to a child. When she gets older, maybe 3 or 4, you'll be able to sit down with her and explain to her that while other kids behave a certain way, she is expected AS YOUR CHILD to behave another way. And I promise at that age, she'll be able to understand. In the meantime, be consistent at home and when you are with her and teach her waht is acceptable and what is not at home.

These are all totally age appropriate behaviors. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't correct her - of course you should. But 1) she doesn't have impulse control yet, that comes much later and 2) even if she did, she hasn't yet learned that biting, hitting, etc is wrong. These are things that she has to learn, babies don't just automatically know.

She is old enough to start with very brief time-outs when these things happen (a rule of thumb is maximum 1 minute per year old, so for your baby, a firm 'no' and setting her in a time-out spot for 1 minute is enough).

As for what kind of kid she will be - in my opinion, that is mostly going to be determined by her personality that she was born with. Both my kids are in daycare full time. One is quiet and mellow. The other cannot sit still - too much energy. I don't think that their personalities were determined by my parenting or by daycare. They just are. What I can and do try to influence through both positive discipline (lots of praise) and negative consequences (time-outs) are things like awareness of being kind to others and following rules.

You're learning a valuable lesson early on - your child is not you. She is her own little person with her own little personality. You might have been shy and obedient, but it doesn't sound like your daughter is and that has nothing to do with daycare, it's just who she is. Her behaviors are extremely age appropriate, so stop worrying about them. If your goal is to raise a calm physically in control and respectful child then set firm boundaries with consequences for actions and enforce them consistently. However keep in mind that she might be wired to be outgoing, boisterous, and adventurous - and it's possible to have a respectful child who is those things as well. I know, my 9 yo is one of them :)

I say - relax! She is a baby still. You are doing fine. The only thing I would worry about is the biting. Biting is not acceptable and needs to be stopped.

As far as being "loud".... thats part of being kid! :)

Enjoy your baby!

ETA - my 3 kids are in daycare full time as well. You would never guess how often I have people (especially older couples) come up to me and say what great kids I have (ok - done tooting my own horn now, hehe)

It's normal. Our son is at a daycare full time as well - so I feel your mommy guilt. I have found that our daycare has actually helped us with discipline. Right now (at 26 months) we are going through a phase of not wanting to share. He does fine at daycare - becuase those are not "his" toys - but at home it's a bit more difficult. Hang in there - you are doing just fine.

First off, don't worry about choices like having to put your daughter in daycare full time. We all have to make choices and sacrifices that may not be our ideal choice. You are doing what is best for your family right now!

And, if it makes you feel any better, we all feel like we are failing as parents and screwing up our kids whether we stay home or not. You were chosen to be your special little girl's mommy and YOU are the best for her. You are not screwing her up.

All that being said, my first thought is, you want to stop in at the day care here and there to do random checks and balances unexpectedly. Maybe during lunch hour, leave a bit early one day here and there, etc. This gives you the opportunity to see how the daycare functions and if their tactics and philosophies match yours. They can tell you all day long what they do, but this gives you the opportunity to see first hand how they work. This is your best option for making sure she gets a similar influence at home as well as daycare.

Secondly, always keep checking around at other options, daycares, day schools, etc. You never know if something comes up that may be a better match for you child. You mentioned that she is very vocal, well some schools work best with a loud bunch or some work on teaching kids to use an "indoor voice".

I work out of my house now, but in the early years with my first son, I needed daycare and I was lucky enough to work out a alternate schedule with my job. They let me come in at 5 am and get off at 1. So my husband dropped off at 8 when he went to work and I picked up by 1:30, then his exposure to the daycare was more evened out with my exposure to him. Not sure if this is an option for you but it is something to think about.

Last but not least, I had a very hard time finding a match for my son with daycare. Part of it was a new mom thing and the other part was my son was overly sensitive. That being said, the final daycare we found to be the best was a church-based daycare. They had so much focus on the love and appreciation aspect of life that he was able to grow and enjoy his time as well as learn to be a loving, mild-mannered little boy.

Good luck to you, I know how hard it is. Kids do that to you.

Bring up your concerns with the daycare. If you see a behavior developing that you are not happy with, then you have a right to bring it up with them. Ask them if they see that behavior when she is there. If they do, what are they doing about it? Review again what the schedule is for the day. Is she getting enough naps? Enough down time? Is she getting picked on by older kids? See if you can take a couple of hours to stay and observe (maybe take a long lunch one day) to see how it is going. If you want to institute behavior changes then you need to coordinate with the daycare on putting these in place. If they won't work with you, then find new daycare. You are paying them, you are the customer so ask for what you want in the care of your child. But, you also need to remember that you are a partner with them in the raising of your child. I know it sucks to have her in daycare and have little control over some of things that are going on, but if you stay positive and work out a plan so discipline is consistent between there and home, you may see some changes with her.

And, remember that everyone is different. Just because you were calm and obedient as a child doesn't mean that your child will be. And it doesn't mean that it is daycare that is making her that way -- it is just her personality. Kids are born with them in place, we just do what we can to point their particular peculiarities in the right direction.

A lot of it is age. My DD bit another child in daycare when she was 1. I felt 2 inches tall when I was told. She would also bite...ME...at home. Only me. On the leg, usually. Look to see what she's doing and what you're doing and see if there's a relation. My DD would bite me when I was at the computer. I worked with her to use her words, be nice, etc.

Bear in mind that genetic recombination is an interesting thing and you may have a not so calm child and that may be her personality. Step back and see who she IS and how you can mold who she is into what she needs to be, not just who you want her to be. My SD can be...exuberant. Always has been. We had to work hard with her in her earlier years to tame those expressive ways into something that didn't drive the teachers crazy. When she gets older, getting her into a sport or theatre might be just what she needs as an outlet.

My own DD is much more of an extrovert than I am. I live in an entire household of extroverts. Sometimes I just need to stop and remember who SHE is and what is normal at 3.

You are not failing. Really. You have a toddler. It's okay.

Don't feel bad you have to have your child in daycare. It works that way sometimes. In our household we have to have the two incomes to survive. My oldest is 7 and youngest is 3. They have went to daycare since they both were born. It is really hard at first to drop them off but if you have found a great daycare that you can trust. Then you have trust they will take care of your child in their care. I know that I can talk to the directors of my center if I am facing problems. They are always there to help and so are the teachers in each classroom. I would suggest talking to your daycare center and ask them how they discipline in the classrooms. I know ours tries their hardest to make sure we know if our boys misbehave so we can talk about it at home and reiterate that is not how you act. As for the biting, all kids go through that stage and hitting as well. We just have to let our children know that is not how we treat our friends and family. It is a long process and it is continually reminding them to behave. You are not a bad mother and you just do what you can to help them know what is right and wrong. Good luck to you.

You may just have yourself a rambunctious child. You're comparing your child to you but really each child comes as their own person.
AND, my first child spent his first 5 yrs in childcare. I did find a facility that rocked but he, like your little one, had moments that I wondered if I was failing as a parent (I was a single parent so guilt filled my world). You're not failing. You keep doing your best, address what you can, talk with the caretaker and get to know the leaders that are working with her. It is sad, but children that have parents that are close with the leaders get more attention.
Another thing you could try is sharing with the caretaker a behavior you're working on at home. If you and the caretaker are on the same page your child will feel more secure and you will likely see behavior changes YOU want.
Good luck.

I know the biting thing is very normal. Both of my boys did it a handful of times each at about the same age as your child. My youngest (having trouble remembering 9 years ago, but I can remember back 5 ;) would bite the top of my shoulder when I was holding him. OUCH! That was my natural response and LOUD - possibly followed up with some other comment like "What are you doing?" because it really hurt, and I think with both my kids I startled them so much that they stopped after only a couple times. Possibly not your style, but it works for me. Good luck.