Do You Think Everything Is Parenting?

If my children are good it is because of my parenting and if they are bad I own that too. Thing is no one who has well behaved kids thinks for a minute they are in total control. My kids are in total control of themselves, I just taught them to want to control themselves.

Personality of the child just adds a little challenge to parenting and a good parent adapts to that.

The question you are referring to I suspect that child has a social boundary issues caused by perhaps ADHD or Autism spectrum. This are disorders, some claim disabilities but you would be hard pressed to sell that in my house where we all have capital letter diagnoses but I digress. Disorders are not personality differences they are disorders and that goes well beyond parenting.

Still as a parent of a child with AS I can tell you that there are even differences in these children that can be attributed to parenting.

I love what nervy girl said.

just because you have a strong willed child doesn't mean you give up and that's just the way it is, you find something that works For THEM. you keep teaching and keep parenting. its going to look different for each kid,

I'll take credit where I think credit's due. Namely, my kids pretty much interact with the world the way I've taught them to, saying please and thank you, showing respect for authority, being kind and compassionate to those who are less fortunate, that kind of thing.
But as far as their temperaments and personalities, what interests and motivates them, and the way they respond to each other and their father and I? Well that seems to have a lot more to do with who they ARE, and the wiring they were born with.
I think I know the question you are referring to, and the parents who claimed that kid hadn't been "parented" properly has clearly never had much experience with a wide group of six year olds. I have, both professionally and as a volunteer and I KNOW how even really good, sweet kids can come off rude or oblivious at that age, and it has NOTHING to do with parenting.

I think it is a combination of the child's temperament as well as parenting expectations. For example, my son might get a little out of line with some of the adults he's very comfortable with, but it only takes a word from them for him to get right back into shape and remember himself and his manners. This is different from the kid who is being repeatedly redirected or guided away from those negative behaviors who will persists in doing them.

If my child is struggling and acting out, it's my job as a parent to be a detective and find out what's underlying the negative behavior. I believe that most children really do want to please their parents and those that they love. I've come to believe this by the little things. For example, I praise my son every time he chooses to tell the truth, and I tell him how happy it makes me. The result of this is that there have been several times recently that he's started to lie, and even had a good window to get away with the lie, but then he's voluntarily chosen to tell the truth about a situation. We praise the honesty and fix the problem.

I don't think kids are 'bad' when they misbehave; I do think that most misbehavior stems from unmet needs (including boundary testing, because they need reassurance of the boundaries and security in their life). If we work from that place of acknowledging that there's something going on for the child which must be discovered and addressed, that's more helpful. We also all have our moments when we are fed up with our kids and realize that maybe we aren't reacting well to our children because of our own unmet needs.

I guess the only hope we really have is to stay connected and in tune with our kids and our selves. It's not the parent who makes mistakes that's failing, it's the one that never tries to change what's going on because they've decided that nothing works and they're just going to be complacent about it. I think we all have poor parenting moments, it's just that some of us learn from them and some of us continue to blame the child as an isolated phenomenon and just endlessly punishes without looking further. To me, *that* is poor parenting indeed.

1. Birth order and family dynamics make a difference. Each child is different. My oldest is a super easy-going kid who loves to please. My youngest is a bit more hard-headed and requires a firmer hand. Many parents take a while to realize that you CAN'T treat kids equally and expect equal results.

2. It's both.

3. I have quite a lot of control....especially since I do recognize the key differences between my kids and teach them accordingly. But how that control is exercised does also mold their level of independence. Kids need independence. I was EXTREMELY controlling at a very young age, and let go of a lot as they grew and matured. They are VERY independent today.

If my kids are misbehaving, it is my job to ensure that they are properly disciplined and directed according to their personality. The first and even second time they exhibit that behavior isn't my fault, because I'm just now seeing the behavior....but if it continues, *I* am in the wrong because I'm not taking the actions necessary to teach them to stop it.

Good question.

Once you've parented for a while, you realize you don't have half as much control as you once thought you did. :)

Manners are usually something you have a fair amount of control over, but in the case of a 6 year old disturbed kid, if I correctly recall the question you are referring to, manners are the least of the mom's problems.

And the kid's only 6, after all, not 16. All kids are different, and parenting is hard. People need to lighten up and try not to judge.

LOL who we are and how we parent is only one influence on how our children behave and who they become. It is the primary influence but not the only one. We do NOT have total control!

Along with that different parents have different values and different expectations. Because another parent has not taught a 9 yo to not read while visiting does not mean the parent was remiss in teaching. In fact, not all people would agree with the belief that reading while visiting is wrong.

Parents do have control of what they choose to teach but not with what the child learns or what others believe. The child has choices to. He can accept and practice what is taught. He can accept it but be unable to practice it for a variety of reasons including lack of maturity or to meet a need. He can prefer what someone else says and do that instead. Yes, parents have some control but not total control.

How much control a parent has depends on many things. Their own maturity and skill level are just two. Of equal importance is their child's personality and how well it matches with the parent's. And let's not forget the child's age. The older the child the less control the parent has. That's why teaching values and cooperation is so important in the early years.

Control? At the end of the day, not much. The goal of parenting isn't to control children, it's to help them to learn to control themselves so that they make choices that are good for them (and in turn, are good for others). If you think about it, you can't really *make* another person do anything. You can present choices and consequences. What the person chooses to do depends largely on personality, and we all come pre-programmed with our own temperaments, personalities, capacities to tolerate stimuli, etc..

Of our 4 children, my two younger sons are the ones who are 100% related (vs being step or half siblings). So same parents, same home, similar in age. Two completely different and in many ways totally opposite children. The older of my youngers has a very intense personality. Everything is a competition for him. Everything is about control and power and proving who the winner is. No impulse control, no filter between his brain and his mouth, no off, volume, or mute buttons. My youngest is the most laid back person I know. He's not a push over, but he's masterful at getting people to come to agreement on things. He's the first to share, or to offer up his turn. He's gentle and compassionate and patient. He likes to win, but he always plays fair and is a gracious winner and loser.

Obviously, with two completely different personalities we parent them differently in the hopes of getting them to the same place, where they grow up to be decent, honest, responsible adults who can control themselves, make good decisions, support themselves and be good people. The older of the two is one who learns "the hard way" in that it takes a long time of repeated consequences for him to change. The younger needs a gentle reminder every now and again. But honestly if my older younger son is a total tool when he grows up (I work with some really abrasive blowhards who I imagine were a lot like my son as children - they're smart and successful but difficult to work with), that's not on me. And if my youngest son grows up to be a prince of a man, that's not to my credit either. I really hope that my son with the difficult personality mellows out over time, and we talk to him a lot about the consequences of being so harsh and that he's going to find himself friendless some day if he doesn't learn to be more gracious and generous in how he acts and treats other people, but if he doesn't, he is who he is and he's the one who is going to have to live with the consequences of his behavior until he decides to change.

My first son is easy peasy. never given me any lip, never given me any problems. Just as easy kid. He is almost 11.
My second son gives me a run for my money. He is shifty, shady, and likes to hide when he is being naughty. He is also the sweetest most generous kid out there, don't get me wrong! But when it comes to discipline he is very very hard. There are times when I would love to throw up my hands and say, "I AM DONE! FINE, do whatever! Here have a cookie, here buy the stupid pokemon...just quit asking me!!!" But it's my job to parent him. To make sure that my kid behaves himself when out and about. Make sure he respects me, his father, and others. If he misbehaves then consequences are quick and fair. So, while he is tough...he behaves well because I see to it that he does. I am his mom and I work HARD at making sure his behavior is correct. He is almost 8.
I don't have 100% control over his behavior, but I have 100% control over how I will react to it.
L.

All three of my kids are different.

My daughter is gone and out of the house...she just turned 27 on Tuesday. She was temperamental and head-strong....gee I wonder where she got that from? :)

My boys? Salt and pepper. However, MY rules are MY rules. My kids know that. I don't play favorites. I will give the same consequences to each child. Do I give allowances for ADD? Depends upon the actions. Just because my child is ADD doesn't mean he gets a free pass.

How much control do I **THINK** I have? Good question. I am going to venture to guess 50% and the other 50% is personality. As a parent it is MY JOB to guide, role model, protect, teach, heal (as much as I can - I'm not a doctor) and parent them - teach them right from wrong, good from bad.... teach them how to let things roll off their back...how to stand up for themselves, etc. Do I put 100% into it? Heck yeah.

Am I always right? Nope.
Is it always MY way or the highway? Nope.
I bend. I am strict but I know to compromise too.

Hope this helps!

The simple answer, I think, is that it's nature AND nurture. I was just writing in my journal this morning that I need to remember that making my child feel loved will lead to him being a better man that always correcting him to try to instill specific traits.

I have been a member of this site for about 7 years but have recently taken a break (just really busy at work) so I have just read a little here and there. I absolutely love your post.

I would LOVE to see how someone who is 'the perfect parent' handles my 6.5 year old. Yet, my daughter has a completely different personality and they were raised........get this........the same!!!!!

I've had awful things said to me - even from my own mother, and I quote, "If you don't do something about that boy no one is going to want to be around him...."

Interesting thing is - he was found to have a neurological disorder (on the autism spectrum).

My point - you can't SEE Autism/ADD/ADHD, etc, etc. etc. and you cannot parent them exactly as one would a neurotypical child.......so - unless you know EXACTLY what's going on in a persons life - don't judge......they are likely doing the best they possibly can - and judgements from ignorant people just make it worse.

I agree with Tanya. I have many children, all raised the same way, but some are simply better behaved than others. As parents we do our best to teach and direct our children but we cannot change their personalities. Some will be complete angels who do not even experience the "terrible twos," and some will have the terrible twos, threes, fours, teens, and even twenties!

I think as a parent you need to figure out how to teach each child the 'rules of the road' in getting through life. Some children are pretty easy. Others well not so much. What I've seen is that a lot of parents give up because it's easier to be your child's friend than it is to be an actual parent.

Well, I think that it's a bad idea to attempt to parent each child the same. Each child is different, and our job as parents is to know each child and nurture the development of EACH CHILD, even when they are in the same house. We have a fit when the schools use a cookie cutter method, but we do exactly that at home and wonder why one child responds well to it while another doesn't. They are not the same person or personality. They are motivated differently.

Maybe that's a start.

I cannot change nature, but I can adapt my nurture to help my child learn to act in acceptable ways. I have no illusions of being a puppetmaster, and besides my child is far too spirited to be thought of as a puppet.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Great question.... children are people too - we have influence but not control over anyone but ourselves. We do the best we can - as our parents did before us. There is no one way to parent, no magic recipe and no perfect child or parent. Love them, and do your best... that's all anyone can do! Kids included :)

Everything starts or ends with parenting in regards to how our children behave. I have two LOs who are similar and yet so very different. I don’t discipline them the same; however, I do endeavor to teach them what is expected of them when it comes to manners, safety, treatment of others, etc. I do so by trying different methods and using what works for that child. That involves active parenting.

As an active parent I do feel like I'm in control. We as active parents decide to raise/teach our children through action or inaction. Either way it affects the child no matter their natural tendencies are.

edit: active parenting as in actively participating with your child to help develop a close relationship and understanding to who they are - not the "goal" oriented parenting style.

Nope.
Some kids are hell raisers no matter what you do.

Taking a typical child in mind - removing the possibility of being on the spectrum or any other neurological/behavioral based disorders - it pretty much comes down to parenting, until around puberty. Then, it is not just the parenting that is a major influence in most situations.

I believe that it is both nature and nurture.

My boys were tough (and rotten.) my older one cried constantly when he was a baby if I didn't hold him and walk around with him facing outward and talking about what we saw, reading, or doing something physical. He took an hour to eat and an infant and had to be fed every two hours. Yes, every other hour was spent eating. The teachers complained about him because he never slept and he retaliated viciously against wrong-doing. Punishment only made him angry.

Finally, I came up with my own way to parent and discipline him, talking things through, encouraging thinking, and focusing on the positive. With good parenting, strong will can be molded into a blessing. I found that the time I spent with him was an investment. He started walking at 9 months and reading at 2 years. He played ball during college And graduated early. He is going to law school and getting Tommy John's surgery. If he heals well, he may go into professional sports. Yes, he was a "rotten" child who didn't fit the norm. He was exploring, rambunctious, and strong willed. He only obeyed if he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. When I focused in teaching him that, everything else fell into place.

As for our younger son; well his behavior was even more extreme. He is on the autism spectrum, however, the only way to be diagnosed is to try to discipline and fail repeatedly. He had only been diagnosed with ADHD, however he also has other traits. I worked with him every day for 1-3 hours on eye contact, learning how to interact appropriately, and other skills. I never gave into his temper tantrums. Our world became a smaller one as we began to avoid more places that triggered bad behavior or meltdowns. He wasn't invited to other people's homes and he behaved terribly when he was forced to be with people, insisting on his own way or ignoring them. He still struggles socially, but has been able to focus his highly logical and mathematical mind and succeed wildly in certain areas. He now has a couple of friends and a full scholarship.

My children could have been looked at through a sliver in time and been thought of as rotten children. Now they could be looked at as model young adults. Some of those perfect children will just try to please anyone and go along with the crowd. This makes them great children who do whatever their parents want, but depending on their peers, they may be rotten adults.

Excluding medical abnormalities which hinder kids' ability to perceive discipline:

It's parenting.

How do I know? I had kids late in life. I watched numerous loved ones with huge families raise myriad "types" of kids from very easy to very difficult in the same, firm, loving style, and ALL of the kids were spirited and delightful, well-behaved rambunctious, loving kids who do not act out except for rarely and then there are consequences. Are they unique and wild too? Yes, but controlled when they need to be and never terrible. Many of them are now raising their own wonderful large families the exact same way, and the results are the same. For poster feeling that never spanking should have insured great behavior, none of these kids would have acted as well if they were NEVER EVER spanked. The tough ones would have been a mess without a select stung butt here and there. Children who are so mild mannered that their behavior is great with only gentle consequences (or none at all which is trendy now too) for things are very rare.

I've watched other types of parents use different ways, yet similar to each other...and ALL of those kids have the exact same common misbehaviors from pretty annoying to downright terrible. Their parents may be loving and nice, but the permissiveness never leads to great behavior. NEVER. And anything not succeeding in stopping wrong behavior is being permissive. Same with overly angry or stifling parenting. Almost never a good outcome. And when people are inconsistent and only sometimes blow up and discipline, but other times they ignore....the kids act badly. Anyone who has spent lots of time with kids has seen the patterns and the outcomes.

With what I saw with my own eyes in people I knew I chose to emulate the parenting I had seen succeed. My results are consistent. Discipline and love DO work even though some kids (my third) are much tougher than others...they just need more work.

No one in their right mind judges a kid or parent on one bad episode or two. We all know there could be reasons for a bad day. We all know some kids are harder than others. We all know the kid screaming that he hates his mom in the store may have a medical disorder...I personally never give dirty looks or make comments.

But we all also know what bratty and spoiled looks like and what ineffective parenting looks like. None of it is new. There is a sentiment tossed around that "kids don't come with instruction books". In actuality, humans have been breeding for centuries and there are very consistent results to various parenting styles for those who look.

I think it's 100% parenting up until about age 5....about 50% parenting and 50% nature from age 5 to 15, and probably very little about parenting after age 15, though teens with loving and firm parents seem to fare better usually.

I think we've all been guilty of gasping at the behavior of someone else's kid and thinking "Wow, if that were MY kid...." fill in the blanks.

My opinion tends to lean more on the reaction of the parent to the child's bad behavior.
I know also, that I have been THAT parent people are gasping at more times then I care to count. I have been victim to people's nasty stares and some comments. As I've said before I have also gotten some very critical and harsh comments here too.
I DO NOT believe a parent can control their child's behavior and/or personality. Modify, hopefully. Form, no way. I am living proof of that!

My middle son became a nightmare at 18 mos. exhibiting behaviors that absolutely were NOT learned at home. Hitting, biting, RAGING tantrums. It was awful. It got progressively worse and worse. We did not hit my son, we did not scream at him and throw things. But he did it. He was horribly defiant, yet very, very smart. It got to the point that I was practically in tears daily. We were consistent with him, I read books asked for help from other moms and finally ended up at a child counselor. (for us not him) yet I used to deal w/ the stares and attitudes. "You're not consisten enough." "Turn up the heat a bit" whatever the remarks they are very frusturating!
If people have all the answers to a perfect well behaved kid...come on over!
I now have round two in my 3 year old. He's not aggressive like my 5 yr old was. but absolutely stubborn and defiant. And WHINEY.......... And again we follow through, and don't cave in. Trying to show him the best ways to behave and interact etc It's exhausting.
I was actually grateful to tears a few weeks back to hear my mom say to me (who had been critical in the past) "You are a better woman then me. I don't know how you've tolerated this w/ these kids and haven't busted their behinds just out of pure despair and desperation!"

O. can't assume that O. parenting philosophy will work the same for all kids.
If you have more than O. kid, what works for Kid A wont necessarily work for Kid B.
If a parent has an ongoing issue with a child, doing the same thing every time and expecting different results is...well, they say that's the definition of insanity.

LOL, you are so right! I have so gotten over that!