How to Move on Emotionally from a Miscarriage~

Hi Molly,
I read your post. Even though I have not endured a miscarriage, I just wanted to write this post and send you hugs. I have tears in my eyes and I'm all choked up. I can't really imagine what you are going through and I think you must be a really strong person.

In October I was developing pregnancy symptoms. I never took a pregnancy test and had no proof whatsoever that I was possibly pregnant at all. The symptoms totally disappeared, my body went back to normal. Yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I had been pregnant and then I wasn't. I told myself I was being ridiculous and overemotional. I told myself to be sensible and I wouldn't let myself feel the sadness that kept washing over me. I still don't KNOW if I was ever pregnant, but just the thought that I could have lost a baby (whether I did or not)upset me. So, although I don't understand what you are going through, I still wanted to reach out and offer you support.

I have a 20 month old, too :-) Perhaps focusing on what's good in your life will help? Look into your child's eyes and just know and enjoy the miracle you have right before you.

I'm sending you big hugs and wish you lots of courage and blessings for when you feel ready to try for another child.

Hi Molly,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I had a miscarriage over a year ago now and a D & C and I understand the devastation and pain of this loss. It was unexpected for me even though they say this can happen in your first trimester-- you can never be prepared for this experience. I wish I had known of this resource back then as it would have been nice to connect and get feedback. The suggestion of a support group sounds like a great idea.

I personally did not tell my friends until about 5 or 6 months later as I was not ready to talk about it. I think my husband and I decided to try again after 6 months, but it took longer to conceive. I guess we are all different in what we need and how we proceess these kinds of experiences. I cried at random times months later and i understand the pain of seeing other babies and pregnant women. The connection to this being that is gone too soon is hard to just let go, and so emotionally I think it took me longer to find peace. I was of course able to live and enjoy my life, but there were moments from down deep that would just surface. I accepted that and just let it go through me.

now that I am pregant again i feel some closure, but there was some fear and doubt during the earlier months. I think if I talked to more women who had gone through the same experience like you are doing I may have worked some things out sooner. we all heal in our own time. i do know that I had more expectations when trying to conceive after this happened that it is most likely why it took longer for me so I would make sure you are at peace with this loss and willing to start again with an open mind and heart.

i you need to talk more let me know...
H.

Molly, I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and d&c. I can relate as well. I had 3 miscarriages all with d&c's prior to the birth of my son. One of the best things I did for myself was remove myself from situations that would make me feel sad. I stopped going to baby showers and hanging out with friends (for a little while anyway) that had young children. That may be hard for you since you already have a young one. I would focus on your little one to try and take your mind off of your loss. One of my ways of closure (and I know it isn't for everyone) is that I got a tattoo of 3 of my favorite flowers on the top of my foot, this was my my closure and my remembrance at the same time. You could always plant a tree somewhere that you could see it all the time to remember your little angel. I still miss my little angels; however, I will always remember them. God Bless you!

Molly,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried my first pregnancy and also went through the D&C. I found that nothing people said really helped me feel better, though it did help to talk with other women who had experienced miscarriages. I read some very insightful articles about miscarriage that were in an issue of Mothering Magazine from a few years back (you can google it if you're interested in reading some of them).

My ob-gyn had told me I only needed to wait a month before trying again. My husband I decided not to really think about trying and were very surprised when we got pregnant the first month we tried. I did find that during my second pregnancy I was much more nervous and even paranoid about trusting that things would be okay. I tried as best I could to avoid stress and exhaustion. I had a hard time feeling "excited" like other pregnant women I knew because I was so afraid of "jinxing" it. I didn't even tell most of my friends about my pregnancy until after the ultrasound where we learned we were expecting a boy.

Though I was devastated and needed a long time to grieve the loss of my first baby, I did find that being pregnant and expecting again helped ease some of the pain.

I hope you give yourself the time and space to grieve and heal.

Take good care.

Hi There,
I'm sorry you had to go through that but keep in mind you are not alone. As your OB probably told you it is quite common. Not that you want to hear that.
I miscarried my first pregnancy in November of 2003 at about 10 weeks and I have to tell you it was the absolute worse thing that I have ever endured. I was furious with my OB at the time. First of all, no one told me what to expect. I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound (Dr didn't have one in her office) where I was asked by the technician if I was sure I was pregnant!! as there was no sign of a viable pregnancy...at which point I became somewhat hysterical!!! Then I was told to report back the OB's office for the OB's analysis. Ultrasound had confirmed there was very little left of the pregnancy even though I was not spotting much and had very little cramping. I was told I could wait it out and my body would expell over the next few days or I could have a D&C. At this point I wanted the whole thing to be over with as quickly as possible. I was sent home with no pain killers and told to come back in the morning to the OB's office where she would prepare me (insert a laminarie (spelling???) for the D&C to take place that evening in the hospital. I went home completely broken hearted and scared to death, (my fiance was out of town) had a glass of wine and tried to relax. Around midnight I began to feel nausea and had the most excrutiating stomach pain. I literally thought I was going to die!!! I called my fiance's mother to come get me and take me to the hospital. Anyway, after a 25 minute drive to the hospital and three hours in the ER and a shot of demoral I returned home and the next day I went through with the D&C. I had to have another D&C for a fiboid 6 months later. It took me 6 months to find a new doctor and even begin to think about getting pregnant again. Today I have a beautiful little boy (turned 3 last week) and he is the joy of my life. Sorry you had to hear all of that but it truly helped me to talk with other mothers who had experienced what I did. So don't rush into another pregancy take your time and find the right doctor. Make sure you are healthy..I know it's rough right now, but I'm sure it will all work out in the end.

Molly I am so sorry for your loss. My MC was an unplanned pregnancy so for me it was very different (lots of mixed emotions and an incredible amount of guilt.) A dear friend of mine just had a MC in January and the one thing that really helped both of us was to take the time to morn the loss. If you're religious it may help to turn to your church/temple etc for guidence. Or you may just need to take a moment to say good-by. My friend planted a tree for her lost baby and that really seemed to help her.

Also don't be afraid to own your emotions. If someone tells you it's for the best let them know that it really doesn't help to be told that. People who havn't gone through it don't realize that that statment isn't comforting.

Hi Molly,

While I have not personally experienced what you have, I would like to say how very sorry I am for your two losses and anyone who said it's for the best must never have lost a child. That is a horrible thing to say to a mother who just lost her child. I don't think God chooses which babies are going to die as a way of telling you it wasn't right. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. To lose a child (even sight unseen) is devistating. I hope you are able to move forward and feel less hurt in the future. You must be a wonderful and strong woman to be able to want to try again after suffering such loss. I will be praying for you and your family and hope some of your pain eases. Take care, and hug and kiss the heck out of your little one.

My miscarriage was 6 years ago and I know how you feel about all the platitudes that people give. My salice came when I started going to a support group that deals with the lost of a child - and this was your child, don't let anyone tell you differently - from conception to a year old. Their web site is http://www.sharingparents.org/ . It helped me and I deceided to try again 3 monthes after my miscarriage and now have a beautiful little girl who is five. But this organizition can help you with your emotions since it is an all volunteer group and everyone has had your experinece at one stage or another.
Hope this helps you. ---- S.

Hi Molly,

I've had one miscarriage, but it wasn't as traumatic as yours. I'm sorry for your loss. The only place I can suggest that would even provide healing is prayer. It's a hurt that not many people understand and it's very difficult to discuss. Proud of you for stepping out and asking for support. Or, maybe find a support group?? My bestest friend has endured 6 miscarriages over the past 6-7 years and I don't know how she deals with it, but prayer is a big part of her life. Maybe that'll help. I know I'm not much help, but maybe knowing that others are taking on your burden to pray for you and your family will help. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Allow yourself the time to grieve. Everyone is different and grieves differently. Don't put someone else's time constraints on you, or maybe talk to a counselor?

B.

I'm so sorry you went through that! Everyone responds to an mc differently.

Before I had my daughter, my mc's were brutal even though they were mainly only "chemical pregnancies". After I finally had her, the last one, a "missed miscarriage" at 10 weeks, was not too bad. It was really hard to see the little sac with no heartbeat, and at first I was really angry at my doctor, but then I had this hopeless feeling, like how unfair it was. I took a medication that caused me to expel everything at home because I wanted to see everything this time.

I also opted not to have the D&C this last time so that I could have something to bury and say goodbye to, and I have to say, I got through it faster (not sure if it was the fact that I have an awesome kid, but honestly, I felt better and more in control.) My mom thought I was nuts by the way, she doesn't understand grieving or feeling like you were a walking coffin.

My little sac is buried under our roses. Maybe you need a way to say goodbye to your little teeny?

Dear Molly,
Many of us have gone through what you are going through, myself included, and I think it is perfectly normal to grieve and feel jealous. I know I did!!! I also took some time off before trying to conceive again and I'm so grateful I did. It gave my body, hormones, and emotions a chance to balance out again.
My best advice is, do whatever you feel you need to do to take care of yourself. Counseling, massage, acupuncture, and reading forums of others going through the same thing all helped a lot. Allowing myself to cry, scream, and write (all forms of emotional expression) was very helpful as long as I didn't indulge in it too much for too long (in between I would remind myself of the blessings I do have in my life so that I didn't fall down the hole of depression.) I also took comfort in remembering that it wasn't going to feel excruciatingly painful F..

My Heart Goes Out to You,
A.