How to Help 12 Year Old Son with Marriage Issues

Hi T.:
I have to assume.after (several years)of What you refered to as a loveless relationship. that counseling has been ruled out.You and your husband are living a marriage out of (convenience)I guess the question here should be,"Convenient for whom? Please don't say your both remaining in this miserable relationship for (The kids sake)You aren't sparing them. Your children are well aware at their age,as to what your both doing.The question going through their minds, is (WHY? My husband and I lived miserable together, for about 5 years. My sons were 7 and 9,when we finally agreed, that our relationship was over. We got to the point, that we didn't (care any more. We didn't care to see a counselor,we were tired of putting the kids through the arguments, the silence,and the obvious anamosity that had built up between us.It was left up to me to sit my sons down,and break the news of our divorce.(It was so easy)YES,I said EASY>
My sons,made it easy.When I told them,that their dad and I were getting a divorce,My 9 year old said.
"WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG" ?????? You don't need to explain a thing to your son. He already knows. He probably has lost a certain amount of respect for both of you,as a result.What you may want to do, is explain to him, that just because you,and his father live in a loveless marriage,that you wouldn't expect, or want him to live the same life-style.I'LL end this, with a simple....(I WISH YOU LOVE)

Hello T.,
My heart hurts for you. . . I, like you, love my kiddies and want to do the right thing. Figuring out "the right thing" is always the challenge and varies depending on our situations. I am a big fan of therapy. . . two of my good friends are therapists and there is nothing like processing lifes issues with an amazing therapist. Have you thought about therapy? I noticed you were in So. Cal. I know an amazing woman who actually works with kids but also has a private practice and focuses on relationships. Maybe she is worth checking out. I don't know her number off hand but I do know her website www.DrLoreeJohnson.com Let me know what you think. I think she said most insurances cover her.

All kids watch what we do far more than they listen to what we say. In everything we do, we teach them something. I guess this is so prevelant for me because I have a two year old who picks up things from my husband and I that I had no idea I did and said so often.

Through everything, be good to you. A happy mommy, I believe is one of the best things we can provide for our kids.

What if you all go to some kind of informal family counseling where you can talk through some stuff. Perhaps it might be win/win and not only help your son better understand, but improve the relationship with your husband. I think it's worth trying.

It's time for counseling, of any kind, couple's especially or individual for you in case your husband is not open to it. You and your husband both have been live role models for both your children. From both your interactions, they learn everything, communication, tolerance, problem solving, etc... The fact the they are asking, means they have noticed and your instinct no to lie to your son, is right on, Don't lie that everything is ok. However, the matter is more delicate than it seems, because they are still children and knowing too much can burden them emotionally. They will try to fix things, for their own security. If you do disclose, be sure to give lots of reassurance that it is a situation that you and your husband will work on and resolve, it is not a problem they need to be worried about. Let them know that M. & Dad love them regardless of whether your relationship is having a good day or bad. Counseling can also give you the insight to have this dialogue with your children. Good luck.

You need to get your kids some counseling. It is a BIG load for them to carry on their shoulders. Too much so.
They need counseling... don't feel you have to do it on your own. You don't want this to damage them in their futures or with their own personal relationships.

I really feel for you.... and seek out counseling for yourself too. It's really beneficial... it affects your children.

I really hope the best for you and your children, you are obviously very worried about them and love them very much.
take care,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Hun, you sound miserable! My heart aches for you and your family. It might be time for you to stop being silent and get some help. Talk to your husband about couple's counseling. Look into family counseling for everyone and individual counseling as well. You don't have to be miserable! I can tell that you are not willing to end your unhappy marriage so why not try to make it a happier marriage than it is?

Hi,
This is so heartbreaking and I am sorry. But this is my opinion. Have you tried therapy before? Though it sounds that it is to late for your marriage. If you are staying together for the children, you are not doing them any favors. They are not learning what a happy relationship can be. And chances are that they will do whatever it takes to not be like you guys but fall into that trap because they have nothing else to go by. For your son, he may be more understanding than you think. Sometimes they are smarter than us,lol. But therapy for the children may not be a bad idea so they have the tools to work through their emotions and have a release. The question is WHY do you stay in such a miserable place in your life. A happy mom is truly the greatest gift you can give your children, mostly yourself. It is not an easy task to break away from something you know. You may be secure but you need to find security within yourself. It is evident you love your children so much. I am sure without a doubt they love you. Don't you think they want to see their parents happy? You have to love yourself and KNOW you deserve all the happiness. Being a mom, we sometimes forget that we are individuals also and we sometimes forget who we are. I wish you luck and if you ever need anyone to talk to, I can be support.