How to Get My Daughter to Sleep on Her Own

I was really helped out by the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. It really talks you through all stages of sleeping/not sleeping. Good luck!

I know lots of people have their own advice, but I will just share with you what worked for us -- and you HAVE to be committed -- it was hard for me, but my husband kept me strong:)

We would go in to her about every five minutes, soothe her and settle her down, kiss her and put her back in the crib and say night night. The first 2 nights we were in more often for about the first 15 minutes because her cry was a FRANTIC -- "I am scared to death cry" that I wasn't willing to ignore. After that, she was great! I think we went in about 10 times the first night and about 8 the second, etc.

Good luck! Stay strong -- it truly is a hard thing to do!

D.,

I would not worry to much about it. She will out grow it. Also she has come to know that after about 20 mins. of crying you will come get her. If you want it to work 100%, you will have to tuff it out for a few nights. However, a lot of times children are in need of something when they have this kind of behavior. She may be scared of something in her room, etc. If it were me I would kept rocking her because that is what makes her have comfort.

Jenny

You do NOT have to let your child CIO. How about sidecarring the crib to your bed. that way she is not in your bed but she will feel close to you. After she adjust to that, then you can move the crib closer to your door for a little bit and then into her own room. Or, if she doesn't like the crib. Put the crib mattress on the floor. Let her fall asleep there with you by her and then you can get in your bed. I do recommend a schedule though. It really does help. I recommend the "NO Cry sleep solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. There are A LOT of suggestions to try that aren't as traumatic as Cry it out. People think that it is okay because it eventually works. But the thing is, you haven't "taught" your child to sleep, you have taught them to give up hope and I can't help but think a child's spirit is broken in the process. I do feel your pain though. I am in the process of transitioning my 11 mo old to sleep through the night and eventually in her own room. I am using some of the suggestions in the book I mentioned and they seem to be working. Good luck!

S.

You have to leave her in her crib and let her cry it out!! I know it is hard but she knows you will come and get her! I have 2 girls (one will be 3 next month and the other is 16 months). My 3 year old did that to me until I finally let her cry it out and understand that when its time to go nite nite she must stay in her bed and go to sleep. I had to do this and break her of the habit when I was pregnant with my second. Now when I say its time to go to bed we do our routine and say goodnight and then she goes right to bed. my 16 month old does the same as well. I know it breaks your heart to hear them scream but you have to let her know who is boss. Try going outside or taking a bath or something so you don't hear her screaming!! (It makes it much easier)

D.,

I really enjoy co-sleeping with both of my children. Babies need to be close to their mothers. Nightime can be very scary for little ones. It's obviuos that she needs this time with you. By providing her with what she needs and promoting a healthy attachment now, your daughter will grow into a very secure, independent young lady sooner than you think. There are many benefits to co-sleeping. Why listen to your poor child crying for you when you could all sleep peacefully together? She will sleep on her own when she is ready.

B.

We had our son (now 16 months old) in his own crib by the time he was 2 1/2 months old. I was not able to lay him in his crib for naps until he was 7 months and I did this with no rocking sometimes twice per day. He has always woke up in the middle of the night sometimes 2 to 3 times per night crying or whining and I would simply go into his room, not say anything, find his pacifier, put it back in his mouth and gently lay him back over. He always went back to sleep.

However, starting about two months ago he would wake crying or sometimes screaming. A mom knows the difference in an irritated "I lost my paci" cry and a bad dream or confusion sound. after 3 nights in a row taking him out of his crib for the severe crying or screaming and us having to console him by rocking him until he was asleep again I noticed a pattern starting in that short of a time. He started waking up crying to get me in his room and act desparate for me to pick him up. I could tell there was something different but I still took him out, rocked him back to sleep and tried to lay him back down and he would suddenly wake up and stand up in his crib start crying uncontrollably and I would lay him back down only to have to walk out of his room with his crying escalating. It was hard but it only took 3 consecutive nights for him to figure out that he wasn't going to get the same thing every night unless it was serious.

They pick up on things very quickly that is why a routine is so important and this is proof. I have had nights where I would put him in his crib (we don't use a night light) and then sit in the floor by his crib or in the rocker. He would eventually lay down or calm down and I would walk out. You may have to take 2 to 3 nights and slowly move your way to the door from your sitting position on the floor. You should see results in about 5 days to a week. It helps them learn how to console themselves and feel confident you are still there.

Our routine has always been to rock with a bottle until he was asleep but if we could tell that he was was going to fight it but he was really tired, we would lay him down awake and let him figure it out. In your case the inch by inch to the door for several nights might work better. It's a must that you nip it in the bud as soon as possible or you will be like my sister in law and have a 7 year old sleeping with you. Good luck

P.S. For naps I would always put a little toy in his crib that he would play with (only at that time) and after a while he would just end up passing out. I guess it would be like an adult reading in bed to get sleepy. He does sometimes throw his puppy dog out of the crib along with his paci so I will come back in but after 2 to 3 times of coming in, putting the paci back in his mouth, doggy back in the crib, and physically laying him down he gets the message. Persistance!

Hi D.,
One way that we did it (because we did the same thing with our son until our daughter was born!) was that we told him we would be back in 5 minutes. And we did, then we told him again it would be another 5 minutes. It took a few weeks, but he realized that we were coming back to check on him and that he was not alone. Soon he was asleep by the first time we made it back. I read it somewhere and it did help us out because I got tired of sleeping on the floor!!

Hey D., Actually i've tried the "SuperNanny" technique.. and it has worked very well for us. Put them to bed, love on them, say goodnight/nap etc, whatever routine you go thru. Then instead of leaving, sit on the floor with your back to her. At this point this is no more talking. Let her cry, if she does, but if she sees you sitting there, she'll be comforted by this. Then slowly move your way towards the door. Say, sit by her crib for 5-10 minutes, then move a couple of feet and sit there for another couple of minutes, etc. If you have to get up to put her back in her crib, if she's able to climb out, do not speak to her. No more talking or comforting. You'll just have to play it by ear after this on deciding when is the time you can leave, but it has worked for our son.

K.

D.,
Hi, don't feel bad we had the same problem with our son. I had wanted to start putting him down on his own and it was easier to rock him. Two things really helped us. One was I got the Supernanny book and did the fading. Where we would rock for one song and put him in bed and at first sit next to the bed until they go to sleep and so on. We would also tell him once we could walk out that we would be back to check on him. I will say our son was older when we started doing this. Another good book (i think) was the baby whisperer. Hope this helps and good luck.
Teresa

It doesn't sound like Baby Wise is your style. It sounds like the Ferber Method will work best. Its like a step down from letting her cry it out cold turkey. Let her cry 5 minutes go in and pat her back and tell her its OK but its time for sleep leave after she stops being hysterical, then go out 7 minutes, and do the same thing. Then at 10 minutes, just pat her, don't say anything. Do that until there is 1/2 an hour in between. It is lengthy, but it worked for my son at 6 months and I use it when we get weak when he's sick and gets spoiled. If you give in one time, she will try what worked 20 more times. If you go by this, you may see results as quickly as 3 days. Stay tough, it is best for her to be able to soothe herself, it will make her stronger in the long run. I feel your pain, it is so hard to hear them cry, especially when they get as upset as it sounds like she does. Hang in there, just try for 1 week, and prepare yourself and your husband ahead of time for the task!

Good Luck!
K.

Hi! I had the same issue with my first daughter since she loved to nurse and fall asleep in my arms. We used to do the tip-toe dance to the crib and hope she didn't wake up.

Eventually, when she was 8 months old we decided that she needed to learn to go to sleep on her own. Night after night we would play the "up and down game" while Mom and Dad got little sleep. Finally, we bit the bullet and let her cry it out for a couple of nights. My husband literally had to sit on me to keep from running to the crib, but eventually she realized that it was "bedtime". We have not had any trouble going to bed since.

I highly recommend the book, "The No Cry Sleep Solution" (by Elizabeth Pantley). I couldn't bear to let my little one cry it out and this book has a great method to help your child learn how to put themself to sleep.

Amazon.com has the book and you can, for a few dollars more, get it in electronic version to read online (while you're waiting for your book to arrive). I ended up reading the whole book in a couple of days - before my book came in the mail! It was so good I read it again.

Wishing you the best...
-K.

If hearing your child crying for you is difficult, then you must go with your gut and respond to her. To me, crying it out is incredibly cruel for babies and toddlers. They're little for such a short time, and depend on us to make them feel safe. For whatever reason, your child needs to feel your presence to sleep. She will grow out of it, and there are steps your can take to help her along. I highly recommend Dr. William Sears' book on nighttime parenting, and Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution.

I know this is hard for you. Listen to your instincts. Good luck.

My suggestion is what I saw on super-nanny. She suggested (and sat with the mom) next to the crib. Let me back up. First, the mom kept preparing the child close to bedtime that they were going to read one story, hug, kiss, and say goodnight. Next, the bedtime came and the mother followed that spoken routine. When mom said 'goodnight' she sat down on the floor next to the crib not making eye contact with the child. It was a clear message that "mommy's here for you, but it's time for bed." The crying was intense the first night but she got through it. Then the next few nights the child was used to the routine and laid down. As the child became more and more comfortable, the mom would move farther from the crib -- closer to the door -- until ultimately she'd be in the hallway. From my counseling background with children -- this is an excellent strategy that reassures the child they're not alone while weaning them from a not-favorable behavior. Hope it helps -- let me know! --- J.

I have the same issue sometimes with our son who is almost 18 mo. To put him to sleep, I rock him a few minutes at naptime and sing to him and then lay him down awake. We also try to really wear him out before nap. At night we have a routine(try to do all the time:)wash face, hands, brush teeth, change into night clothes, read story in rocker, then rock and sing to him for about 10 min and lay him in his crib. If he cries, I let him go for about 1/2 hour. He is also in daycare so he is used to having to take a nap and plays so hard during the day that at night he is ready for bed. I wish much success as I definitely cave because I hate to hear him cry.

Hey, I was told by my pediatrician at her 12 mo check up that she needed to go to sleep on her own, as we were rocking her every night too. I tried the "leave in the crib and cry it out method" too and felt like an ogre.

I got a book called the "No cry sleep solution for toddlers and pre-schoolers" by Elizabeth Pantley. It gives a lot of good info about sleep in general.

To sum up what I got out of it in regards to putting her to sleep, I basically just put her in her crib and stay with her until she falls asleep. She needed that security of knowing I'm still there. The first few nights were hard, but I just held her across the crib rails until she felt secure enough to lay down and then eventually falls asleep. I still stay with her in her room until she is calmed down enough to a point where I think she'll be okay enough to fall asleep. (she's 16 mo now).

But get that book...it is great to give you some good advice.

Good luck and God bless!

Hello D.
I found a method that would work and help me at the same time. When you put your child to bed. Sit on the bed with her, or stand by her crib, for a while then gradually move further and further out of the room. With you being in the room with her it will give her that security to know mom is still around but it will break the holding and rocking until she falls asleep. The trick to this is not to pick her up and hold her. If you are standing their and you know she is ok and not hurt then the crying won't be as bad. With her able to see she might not even cry as hard.

For my boys I would sit on the floor by the door and talk to then until they went to sleep. Just hearing my voice and nowing I was their put them at ease. I can't sing so I improvised. Good luck

Dear D.,

Painful as it is, you will have to let her stay in bed after crying. We have a 16-month-old who started sleeping on her own very early, when she was 5 months old. We used the Ferber method, and it worked like a miracle, but is not pleasant for both you and your child. The fact that your little girl can call out your and your husband's names by now will make things much harder on you. When she is screaming in the next room, be patient and just keep telling yourself that she will not remember any of this soon, that crying will not scar her emotionally and in a few nights she should be sleeping like an angel. The Ferber method is very popular, so you can find infomration in most baby books and I am sure on line as well.

I.

I feel your pain. And there are so many different opinions and techniques to choose from. If you decide that co-sleeping is not for you, than the most important advice I have is that no matter what technique you use, you HAVE to be consistent. My daughter is 12 months and we are going through this right now as well. She has nursed(is still nursing) and co-slept with us until now. Actually she still sleeps with us at night because we have decided to take it slower and just start with napping in her crib during the day. I don't know if that was a good decision or not but it's what we decided. When I see the signs that it's nap time, she nurses and I put her in the crib. She screams like she's in physical pain but I know it's just because she's mad. I let her yell for 5 minutes, go in, lay her back down, rub her back, sit next to her crib with my hand on her. As long as she stays laying down and is getting closer to sleep(eyelids falling and such) I will stay in the room on the floor with my back to her. If she starts standing up again and screaming I leave. (my daughter gets sweaty too, with tears streaming and snot all over, I just wipe her face and lay her back down) Come back in 10 minutes later and do the same thing again. Each time it's 5 mintues longer 5- 10-15. The longest she has cried by herself is about 15 minutes. By that time she is so tired from crying that when I go in and lay her down and pat her back, she's out. Under NO circumstances do I take her out of the crib until she's had a decent nap. Sometimes she wakes up halfway through the nap and I have to go through the routine again. We've only been doing this for 3 days. I'm hoping it gets easier. My only saving grace is that she is not yelling "mommy", that would be very hard to hear. She does use sign language and sometimes signs for milk to get me to feed her so I make sure that she nurses before bed so I know she's not really hungry. Good luck!!

Hi D.. I'm had a similar problem with my 15 month old when he was a little younger. It recurs every now and then, but the solution worked pretty well. It was recommended by our pediatrition. When you lay her down to sleep, let her cry. Then, after 10 minutes, go in, soothe her, talk to her, pat her, whatever you have to do (short of picking her up) to get her to calm down a bit. Then, leave the room again. This time, let her cry for 20 minutes before going in and doing the same soothing routine. The next time, it's 30 minutes, and so on and so forth. Then, the next night, start with 20 minutes instead of 10 minutes. Then, start with 30 the next night.

It's difficult, I won't pretent it's not. Listening to your baby scream and cry can make you feel like the most awful parent. But, it will work if your consistent with it. And in the long run, I think that helping little ones understand that they can get themselves to sleep is very valuable, for you and for them.

We never let our daughter cry it out...it wasn't part of our parenting methods. I know many parents who do, but to each their own. We did co-sleep with our daughter until she was in second grade. I wouldn't have done it any other way! We always rocked her to sleep and/or laid down with her until she fell asleep. If this isn't for you, then try patting her back and staying in the room with her until she falls asleep.

Good luck!

ok, so my son has slept with us since the day he was born. there have been times he has slept by himself in his crib, but it is right up against my side of the bed. we just recently moved the crib against the wall about two feet from the side of my bed. and he sleeps in it by himself mostly.

i think that if your daughter feels she needs that extra support of you laying next to her or sleeping with her, you should, as long as its comfortable for you. this is probably just a stage...and what is wrong with giving her that extra love she needs at this time? i dont see anything wrong with it.

we do not think the whole cry it out thing is right. they cry for a reason, and being their parents, we are the ones to support them in what they need.

if her crying bothers you, and its not because shes just mad, then do what it takes to keep her calm.

i know personally i dont like to be scared or upset or anything like that, so i wouldnt want my child to suffer like that and have to be lonely to deal with it himself.

this is just all what i believe. im not saying anything about how anyone else handles their children or family by any means. simply what we do in our household and what works for us.

good luck!!! i hope this helps!

D., I hate to tell you this, but the best way is really to just let her cry it out. I was not a big fan of this method, but I ended up doing it, and it worked quite well. I have a friend who could not bear to let her son cry it out, and she finally gave in and did it because he was over 2, and not only needed to be rocked to sleep, but still woke in the middle of the night, every night. Yikes! Trust me, the first time you do it, you'll feel awful, but it does get better, and it does so quickly. Remember, every time you give in, you're reinforcing her belief that you will rescue her, which makes it harder in the long run (this is the theory of intermittent rewards, kind of like playing the lottery!). I read an article in Parents magazine just recently, which had a chart comparing several experts' advice about various topics, along with the advice of a mom of 4. When it came to bedtime, she said that with her first child, she had to leave the house and drive around so she wouldn't hear him cry; by the fourth child, she didn't even notice it! Good luck!