How Can I Help My Mother?

Take it from a fulltime caregiver to my husband--your mom is freakin exhausted--mentally and physically! And on top of it all her beloved daughter is being abused and not doing anything about it but dumping on Mom. Not to mention she is afraid she is going to end up in the same boat as Grandma and wonders if anyone will be there to take care of her.

Get yourself some therapy and let your mom know you ARE going to get out of your abusive situation and then actually follow through.

Look into whatever resources are available to grandma. Call your local aging and disability center in your county. Then let your mom know you will support her and help her find help or assisted living.

Ask her if she would like a weekend away on her own and offer to take care of grandma. It might be good for you to get out of your house anyway.

Let mom know you will be okay. The only thing worse than watching a parent suffer is watching your child suffer and your mom is doing both.

It's hard to describe, but sometimes when one is a caregiver and in the midst of all the day to day work (and sometimes sadness), it is almost easier to just do the day to day than to use up your extra energy to change things. Help your mom make the first moves to help herself and help yourself get in a better situation.

Don't blame religion. Everyone has problems.

As a care giver to your grandmother your Mom sounds like she's burning out.
She might feel better if she can get some help.
Instead of talking over your marriage issues with your Mom, why don't you talk to a women's shelter and get some counseling.
Not dumping on someone emotionally can lift a burden off of them.
When your Mom complains to you, suggest to her that she should consider getting some counseling of her own so she might better deal with her care giver and/or other issues.
When each of you are seeing your own professionals - then you can save just the pleasantries for each other - have some tea and scones and enjoy some nice chit chat together instead of venting to each other when you each have no answers that can help the other.

Come up with a short list of things that you can do every week that you will absolutely commit to (except for an emergency with your own family),

I suggest no more than 5 clearly defined things and if possible, chose things that minimize your contact with your mother while you do them.

Here's what I'd pick in your situation:
I will pick up the laundry on Mondays and deliver it Tuesday evening neatly folded in a basket.
I will take the grocery list from the refrigerator on Tuesday evening and deliver groceries on Wednesday evening. I will place the non perishable groceries on the kitchen counter. I will put the perishables in the fridge and freezer.

That's it.

Some people are toxic.

Once I stopped caring about insulting an elderly toxic relative and fought back, my quality of life improved. Eventually, I got sick of even that and removed myself from her life entirely. Heavenly!

You mom is at an age where you tend to reflect on how things have gone and what your future will look like. I know because I'm the same age. Unfortunately when she's looking around all she sees are things that are a burden to her and because she can't complain at a sick old lady she complains to you.

Do other people help care for your grandmother? Does grandma have enough money to be able to pay someone to come in and do things like clean the house and prepare meals so that the burden is off your mom?

Does your mom have any hobbies? Anything that interests her? She needs something positive in her life. Maybe suggest taking a class in something so she can get out and meet new people and learn something new.

Most of all you need to learn how to listen and not take things to heart. I do it with my mom all the time. She calls to complain and I just uh ha and umm the entire convo. She just wants to talk but that doesn't mean I have to listen.

If you truly have a hard time dealing with this try calling her when you are off to do something. One of my brothers calls my mom once a month. He talks for about 5-10 minutes and then "Ok mom, I've got to go. At the restaurant to pick up pizza. Take to you later. Bye." She's happy because he called and he's gotten out of a 30 minutes complain session.

She needs a break, and you need to decide if you are OK staying in an abusive relationship. You have choices. Call a woman's shelter and ask for their help. You could potentially leave your husband, and help your mom, so you BOTH get what you need. She gets a break, you get away from an abusive man.

If he won't change, you can't change him. If you have kids, you're teaching them how to treat others, and how to be treated by staying with an abusive man. If not for yourself, get out for them.

It sounds like a family cycle, a cycle of growing up in a certain kind of dysfunction and then choosing a certain kind of dysfunction in your mates. Look into your history. What kind of man was your grandfather; what kind of home did your mother grow up in? What kind of man was your father; what was the dynamic between him and your mother, and what kind of home environment did they provide? What kind of man did you choose? What kind of environment are you providing for your children?

If she's only recently bitter and unpleasant, then it's possible that her husband was a buffer for her. In the absence of a man to help her with...life...maybe her vulnerabilities are exposed now more than ever and she doesn't know how to manage what she has never had to manage on her own.

Here's what I think: Your mother is caught in the middle, sandwiched between two generations that need her help. Her unresolved issues with her mother are showing up. She is resentful that she must care for her mother when she feels that her mother has failed her somehow. When she looks at you--her adult daughter who can't seem to make healthy decisions for her own life--she is faced with the awareness that she might not have given you all the tools necessary to be a fully-functioning healthy adult, and that stings because it puts some responsibility on her. She might think that she was able to pull herself up and make something of her own life and you should be able to do the same. At this point, she doesn't know if she should show you tough love or gently try to re-raise you. In the meantime, she's spent.

I think that your best bet here would be to get yourself some therapy to resolve your own issues. Help your children to be aware of the sickness in your family so that they can work on themselves and avoid continuing the cycle. Try not to look at your mother as your mother. Try to imagine her as a woman who grew up as a little girl with this other woman (your grandmother) as HER mother. At whatever age or time in her life, she met the man who would be your father. Some time after, she became pregnant (with or without being married) and was faced with bringing her background in to tend to this new life. Now, think about who she is and what tools she had, and factor that into what she was able to teach you and what that experience might have been like for her.

Anyway, I think that if you can start thinking of her in those terms--a woman, instead of a mother to meet your needs--then you might be able to put some distance between who she is and who you need her to be. You might be able to have more compassion for her and for yourself. We don't always know growing up who our parents are, and we wonder how we come to make some of the decisions that we make. There's a reason that children identify so deeply with their parents. To an extent, we ARE our parents. We can't develop our own identities until we, first, understand what connects us and, second, figure out where we fit in there. There is a fine line between being your own person and being given a chance to improve on the history that you've been handed. You ARE a younger version of your ancestors. What sets you apart and makes you an individual is how you manage what you've been given through your blood.

Good luck to you.

This is definitely a time to talk to a counselor. Today might be a good day to do it!

You say your mother "started being negative," which tells me she hasn't always been that way. It could be a physical illness, or depression, or both.

Is your mother a drinker? Does she take any medications?

You have your share of problems, but your mother's problems are your mother's! You didn't cause them. I'm glad you want to help her.

Contact a good counselor (if you attend church, ask there for a recommendation), talk to him/her, and see if your mother will go with you the next time. If she refuses, go back yourself! You're sounding rather depressed yourself (which is understandable), and that won't help you or your mother - or your grandmother. You need experienced help in finding the best way(s) to help your family and yourself.

Does she want you to help her take care of grandma?

She might be burning out because of having to take care of grandma. That is extremely draining. In that case, you should use some of the advice below to try to help your mother find a placement for grandma. Maybe you can help out with grandma once a week or so, if you live close by.

But, other than that, it is not your job to fix your mother's life. I am your mother's age, and I can't imagine saying such things to my daughter. Fifty-five can be a tough age, but if your mother is "alone" and "has nobody," that's her own fault. She needs to make friends and get a life, and that is NOT your responsibility.

Maybe you can suggest some groups your mother can join so she can make some friends, like Meetups or active singles groups in her area. You can google local groups in your area.

But other than that, you will just have to hang up the phone if your mother becomes verbally abusive. It is not your responsibility to fix her life.

No one can change your life but YOU, and no one can take over your life without your PERMISSION! Your mother is trying hard to bully you into taking care of both her and your grandmother, I don't know about anybody else, but I am not Mother Theresa. The fastest way to the grave is for you to be bullied into taking care of two grown adults who refuse to take care of themselves while your own life slips further into chaos and despair. Yes, your grandmother has multiple health problems, and yes, your mother has been taking care of her, but that was her choice. The best way to help your mother, is to help yourself first. If you are still struggling with your own issues, your safety in particular, how can you possibly help anyone else with theirs? You need to get out of that abusive relationship FIRST. Don't be too harsh on your mother, as she is struggling with issues of her own, feels helpless, unappreciated, and is no doubt, just lashing out, out of frustration. However, her constant negativity, meant to motivate you, has the opposite effect, it takes the wind right out of your sails and makes you feel powerless. Reclaim your power by taking ownership of YOUR OWN LIFE, then use that power and confidence help your family with their problems. There are resources out there, and people who have devoted their careers to helping you find the tools and skills you need to do this. You are no loser, you are a hero waiting to happen! You just haven't realized it yet. K. h.

Your mom has to take responsibility for her life and you have to take control of yours. Gran cannot take care of herself-and maybe should go into assisted living where healthcare professionals who specialize in the care of the elderly are always around-this is not exactly cruel. Get the religion back into your life-it helps you be grateful for life and second chances-it helps you through loss, loneliness and the constant worry of how you're going to go forward-maybe alone and broke-but grateful, nonetheless. Good luck-you can do this.

Just read this and thought I would pass it along-it was posted by Lt.Col Allen West (Retired) former congressman from Florida-an African-American conservative getting his fanny kicked daily by black and white liberals!

from Isaiah 54:17 (NIV), “No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord.”
Read more at http://allenbwest.com/2014/02/black-conservatives-afforde...

R., I'm sorry that you are being abused by two people. Really and truly, your mom has NO BUSINESS saying this stuff about you. Once is bad enough. More than that is just abusive bullsh*t and you shouldn't put up with this kind of stuff from her.

Are you a doormat when your mom does this? Do you just "take it"? Instead of taking it, you need to say "That's enough, Mom. I don't want to hear this from you again." And then walk out the door or hang up the phone. Your mother needs boundaries and you need to demand them.

If you aren't able to do that, then you need counseling.

Your mother could have gotten someone to help with her mother. She can now. She could get your grandmother into a nursing home. The way she acts, I wonder if she is abusive to your grandmother, quite frankly. You are NOT responsible for her crappy attitude. You ARE responsible for your own life and your own happiness. Instead of trying to help someone who treats you like dirt, stand up for yourself and don't accept this. Your mother will have to help herself and stop beating other people down.