Mother in Law Issues

Hi J.,
Your first responsibility is to your little girl, not your MIL. I'm a MIL too, and would only hope yours will take it in the spirit you give it, that her little granddaughter is having some issues with her. Ask her to please not personalize it, because this is simply a TWO year old, but if she wants to have time with her, to please consider being part of her answer to help aliviate her fears, which are obviously showing out. Maybe grandma can start out by making small adjustments to her tone or come down a few decibles in her voice when she speaks to her; also making an effort to move more like a gentle dove instead of a bull in a china closet with her. I don't know your MIL's personality or how she would respond to this, but regardless of that you just have to be honest, but protect your daughter above all else. If she gets offended, oh well. She's a mother too, and I'll bet when her kids were small, there weren't too many mountains she wouldn't attempt to move for her own children. Your daughter is your first priority and you just have to hope your MIL will be willing to make some minor adjustments for her granddaughters sake (and her own! if she wants this wee one to WANT to be around her). You really don't have room to worry about whether this steps on her toes. I do understand that relationship with family is soooo wonderful and preserving each one is vital. My husband and I love our two daughter in laws to pieces and do what ever it takes to show them (and our sons) that we love them and respect their authority as our grandkids parent's. We desire to always treasure close relationships with our darling grandchildren. Adjustments are just a part of life, ya know?
Involve your husband, it's his mom. Maybe you and your husband can sit down together and gently address these things with her. Hope this helps. :) I'll remember you in my prayers. M.

You know, I can't stand meddling mother-in-laws. I don't even interact with mine anymore bacause she's totally wacky and manipulative. Due to my new rules, my MIL can only see my son by coming to my home while my husband supervises. Her current husband is really abusive and we have completely banned him from seeing my little boy forever.

When it comes to your kid, being nicey-nicey does not apply if someone is causing your little one to be unhappy (even a little bit). You can't please everyone in the world, no matter what, and I strongly suggest that you don't compromise because you are afraid of hurting anyone's feelings. You kid needs your protection from mean and abusive people.

I do know, from my own exerience of putting up with my mother-in-law and her abusive husband for several years, that it takes courage to establish strong boundaries...but it's completely worth it. And sometimes that means cutting them off, or greatly limiting your child's exposure to them. There is nothing wrong with that.

There are several things a person can screw up in their lifetime and be okay, but if you screw up your kids, there's no going back.

I wish you luck, and if you need more input on this subject, I'd be glad to help you out. Just remember your priorities, be ultra clear about boundaries, and get past any fear of confrontation. You and your daughter will be fine.

- L.

J.,

We have a similar situation with my own mother. She was so excited about becoming a grandmother she was insisting on videotaping the delivery. Sorry, but my husband and I wanted to be alone when the two of us became the three of us. She kept talking about being there even after we told her thanks but no thanks. Fortunately, she lives several states away, and the baby came early, so we avoided an ugly hospital scene. She came and stayed with me for a week after the baby was about 2 weeks old. She didn't understand that he wasn't ready to play with her and she kept getting in his face and being really loud. She constantly woke him up to play with him or hold him so by the end of the week he was so exhausted he cried for 30 minutes while my husband and I took turns trying to sooth him to sleep. After her visit, Alex stopped sleeping in his crib at all - it took 2 months to get him back on track. I love my mom and understand she wants time with Alex, but for his sake, I try to tackfully be honest with her about his needs (naps/appropriate toys/playtime). She sometimes gets hurt feelings, but I think she appreciates the honesty. It is a lot easier for me to just be upfront with her than just try to play games to save her feelings. Good Luck!

J.,
Listen to your daughters reactions towards your mother in law. If the daycare doesn't want to release her to your mother in law use that as the excuse. I don't know if your husband is like mine where he'll let his parents do whatever and not say anything. But he should tell his mom the daycares concerns. If he is unable to do that then I would step in and tell her she is not to pick her up anymore. You might concider it stepping on toes. However, she's your baby not hers. You need to make her feel secure in every situation possible. And unfortunatly I think if that means you have to be the "mommy monster" (that's what I call myself when someone does something towards my son that I feel is not okay) then you owe it to your daughter. And seriously she will get over it. If she doesn't then something is wrong. Listen to your baby. I hope your husband backs you up and talks to her. If not welcome to the mommy monster club (your second job).

Goodluck & have a great day,

M. S.
FYI - I have huge issues with my inlaws trying to run our lives. Telling us how to discipline our 2 year old son. That's not okay with me. I have and probably always will step on their toes. But he is my baby to "warp" the way I want him. I would never allow them or anyone to put them in a fearful situation. Hence the mommy monster.

I'm fortunate, I have a very wonderful MIL and inlaws. When my daughter was younger it would take her a bit to warm up to Grandma every time she saw her and we see her several times a week. Grandma was very respectful of this and would just be gentle and quiet until my daughter indicated she was ready to play. The key here is respect. If your MIL is not going to respect your daughter and is loud and in her face she shouldn't be around your child alone period! Her behavior towards your daughter is disrespectful and abusive! Follow your instincts and the daycare's advice. Find a way to limit this womans presence around your daughter. Do it with as much grace and tact as possible but in the end your daughter needs you to stand up for her. Have a very firm discussion with you husband. You don't need to argue, name call etc., just let him know your daughter comes first and reiterate your concerns as well as the daycares. Don't add drama or exagerate. He may very well know the issues with his Mom and agree. If necessary I'd see a family and marriage counselor, even for a few visits if you need help with this and someone mediating might be a big asset. I'd rather risk having my MIL hurt and my whole family mad at me than to allow my child to endure something like this. Take care and I wish you the best!

This is an easy one - Your mother-in-law needs to have supervised visits. PERIOD. Trust your daughter - listen to her - respect her needs to NOT be with her grandma alone. Trust the day care who is telling you they don't want to release her! They have it right.

I have learned the hard way that we, as parents, need to put our children first. If other family members don't like it - too bad! Your M-I-L will simply have to deal with it. You may be able to take her aside and explain to her that your daughter has a hard time with the loud in your face stuff - if she doesn't understand it isn't your problem. You really need to put your child's need first here - and those clearly do not match up with the adult in questions.

My mother used to say and do things with my oldest son that were very inappropriate and would upset him deeply. I didn't listen to my son's needs and tried to make peace and keep my mother happy - not hurt her feelings. Her behavior simply got worse - to the point that over a period of 13 yrs she as not allowed contact with my sone for 6 months at a time at least 5 times. Now, due to inappropriate behavior with my younger children and myself (the last being threatening to take them from me legally if I homeschooled...sigh) she is no longer allowed on my property, no is she allowed any contact with my children of any kind.

The message here is just because she is family doesn't mean she has the right to be inappropriate with me, my kids or my family. If your daughter is upset and miserable being with your mother-in-law alone - don't allow it. Your husband/partner should be backing you up on this issue. If not - you may end up having to put your foot down on your own - I had to...it sucks, but your kids come first.

Good luck!

J.
been there - done that...

You have to talk to your husband #1. Then either he, or you needs to talk to your mother in law. No matter who it comes from, it's going to be h*** o* her, but you should try to make it as gentle as possible. Yes, your mother in law will be hurt, but it is something that has to be done for your daughter. If you don't confront the issue and just tell her you don't think she should pick your daughter, she won't understand and she may blame you. She needs to know the whole truth no matter how hard it is. You need to think of your daughter first, not your mother in law. She may pull back for a while, but if she really loves her grand daughter she'll do what's best for her.

Dear J.,

This is a very h*** o*e. You need to think of a way to keep your daughter away from Mother in law. How long before you get off work does she have to be picked up from day care? Can you possibly make arrangements with someone else - who is closer to your home? who picks up her own daughter at the same time? Something has to be done especially until she is older. Some two year olds are very sensitive and need this special care to get them through that time. Also, this is a time when they are very attached to their Moms.

Sorry about Grandma being so loud and probably not too much fun. You can find a way without telling Grandma the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

They probably will develop a much better relationship as time goes on, especially at family gatherings like you mentioned.

I do not envy you, good luck on finding a solution.
C. N.

I'd talk to your MIL and find out if she can change when she's around your daughter. Explain to her that your daughter is uncomfortable and scared and that you want her to spend time with her but you want your daughter happy at the same time.
I'm sure she will understand.

I agree with Tori.
Your main responsibility is to your daughter and making sure she is in a safe and secure and happy environment.
You may have to hurt somebody's feelings or step on toes in this situation. That doestn matter! What matters is that your daughter feels safe and respected and knows that you will be there to protect her in scary situations.
I personally would advise that your daughter not be alone with this women. Always be present to observe why your daughter has a change in personallity when around the grandma.
Take care and best of luck to you. Heidi

Jessie- I would listen to your daughters instints. If shes only behaving this way with t=her something maybe wrong or not. Just yer daughter has to be comfortable or you shoul supervise till she is and you could say that to your mother in law that untill she is comfortable you would like to be present during the visits. Good luck and take care.... N.

Dear J. M,
Listen to your daughter. There is something wrong when she acts up only when the mother in law picks her up. I would remove her from the pick up list. The day care is concerned with your childs welfare. You and your husband need to talk to her and explain the situation. You need to be your childs advocate. If it means cutting off contact with the paternal grandma until she changes then thats what you need to do. She is afraid of grandma for some reason. Listen to day care. Sit her down if your husband won't and tell her like it is. Your her mother. Your daughter doesn't feel safe with her grandma. You are not stepping on toes when your childs well being is being affected by being in grandma's care. Step up and protect your daughter from grandma's behavior. She is scared of her. Be her mom and step on her toes and tell her like it is.
I did with my own mother and with my daughters bus drivers and she feels safe riding the bus and my daughter only has contact with my mom with birthday cards and christmas cards. M. Petersen

I think your husband should talk to his mom and let her know that your daughter loves day care and since you're paying for it, you'd like to get the maximum benefit of it, so you don't need her to pick her up anymore. And then remove her from the authorized list. Good luck.

I propose your husband talk with his mother. Considering what the day care has said, he's got to take this seriously. Also, if you neglect to act upon her feelings now, she may not trust you later to be there for her. Esp. if another family struggle happens.-Good Luck, T.

This is a tough issue because in-law things can get really heated. However, you are the person who knows your daughter best & is her best advocate. I would say that you have to find a way to protect your daughter first & not worry about your m-i-l's feelings. Will your husband do the intervening for you with his mother? Also, it isn't just you saying that there is a problem, but your daughter & the day-care - a neutral 3rd party, whose only concern is your daughter's well-being. I wish you the best of luck.

K.

My daughter is three now and was like this with my mom, who sounds a lot like your mother-in-law. I don't have a great answer for you. We told my mom that our daughter responds better to soft voices and my mom had no idea I was talking about her. You may to come up with a reason your mother-in-law can't have alone time until your daughter is a little older. by the time she is 3 or 4 she will be able to handle the loud voice.
good luck

All I can say is listen to your child. Maybe limit the time together to supervised only...not a lot of help, but any time a child shows an issue with a person, there is usually a reason. Investigate it fully!

I am close to you in age I am 24, married to a wonderful man, and I am full time student. I have had different issues with my mother in -law than you but I do have one piece of advice. go with your gut, and do not worry about hurting her feelings. if she loves the two of you, she will not hold it against you, that you are putting your daughters happiness first. You can always blame it on something else , scheduling conflicts etc. unless she is like my mother in law ,she doesn't work, so its hard to find excuses as to why she can't watch him. But i have learned that the stress you are going to have to deal with knowing your daughter is unhappy or uneasy, is not worth it. Anyways i hope i was some help. GOOD LUCK.