Help with Out of Control 16 Month Old Boy

Read "Without Spanking or Spoiling" and "Systematic Training for Effective Parenting" (STEP) for Younger Children.

I feel like you can not punish a 16 month old because he does understand yet. I think you can just say a strong no and know that this will pass. I know it is hard in the moment but I have learned with my own children that when I am calm it helps everyone to be calm.

My son is 17 months old and does all the same things. Everyone tells me that it's normal boy behavior. Good luck I am going through the same things.

yep, you got it, boys can typically be much more difficult! But don't let it discourage you, that is a good sign! You want to have a boy who is a boy! Boys are made that way and its important to relish those things that make him a boy! With that said, I am not saying let him run wild, it'll drive you crazy! I had a girl first and never had to lock anything, or worry about her getting into things she wasn't supposed to. When my son came, it was a whole different story! He broke our toilet twice before he was 2 and had emergency visits and stitches before he was 3! They will deffinately try to get away with more, especially if you are distracted or doing something else! You literally have to watch them like a hawk! So, what worked for us for discipline was time outs,but done in a VERY spacific way! When he didn't listen or did something inappropriate, like hitting- (remember he will get into stuff he isn't supposed to because he is curious, not because he is naughty) we would say a calm and simple "uh- oh" and take him right to the timeout spot. Now here was the key, he was required to sit there quietly and not play or get up for 1 minute/year of age. If he didn't sit right the ENTIRE time, when the timer beeped we would say "uh- oh, you didn't sit right, you have to do it again" and then put him right back. Now, this takes training, it won't go just so on the first hundred times, and they will do their best to make you think they just don't understand what you are asking them to do (remember, a human child is smarter than any animal, including dogs at 9month old!), but the most important thing is that you don't give up and let him win! You may have to have him in time out for 45 min or more straight and multiple times during the day until he realises you are serious and he can't win! When it seems like it isn't working, do it again and keep going, it will eventually- every child takes a different amount of time depending on how strong willed he or she is, but the only way you will gain control is if you break his will power and out last him- A story I can share with you about my son is so similar Its amazing, he was 16 months old and we were running into the same things, I thought he just wasn't old enough to sit still for a whole minute (did he have me fooled), we went rounds trying to get him to sit in time out the way I wanted and after 45min of re-doing 1 min time outs, he gave in and sat PERFECTLY for the entire minute! And I thought he couldn't sit for one, he sat for 46! But I won, he did test me again the next day, but it only took 3 timeouts for him to give in this time- and it just got better. He did test me on occasion, especially when I was busy or distracted, but I just stood firm and now at 3 he RARELY has to redo his 3 minute timeouts! Try it, it may take a week of you watching his everymove and following him around, but once he realises you are watching and you WILL do something about it, he'll stop (maybe not totally) and it will be worth your time invested! Hang in there and keep you spirits high- this to shall pass!

PS- I don't know if you do spanking, but this never worked for my son because, being a boy, pain doesn't faze him! Nothing else worked either, but boys don't like to sit still, so making them do so works!

I don't know that I am the best person to give advice as I only have the one boy but many of my friends who have boys have had similar expierences. I would say that it is just boys. My little one went through the excaxt same phaze except he would hit me or his papa in the face rather than a sibling. He still gets into everything he is not supposed to and most often still only marginaly wil respond to no. Your son sounds curious and smart, although he is wanting boundaries he does not yet know how to respect them. What we did with my son was choose something that he did not like and we would give him that punnishment for one minute as that was as long as it was effective as a punnishment. We made him sit in our laps and just be still, he hated it and I am not sure that it really did anything but it got us over the hump. Hang in there, he is not out of controle at all, just energetic. Not much comfort when you are at your whitts end but it will get better.

I also have a 16 month old boy. Although, he doesn't do what you are describing, I can tell you that boys are very different. It took me awhile to realize that something wasn't wrong with my older son when he was younger. I had only been around nieces, so when I had him, I thought something was wrong with him. The best you can do is tell him no when he hits and then try to distract him with some toys. But realize, that it takes awhile and that boys are just much more aggresive. I keep telling myself that the boys are harder now and that the girls will be harder later...we'll see!! :) Good luck.

I have a 3 and a half year old boy who is strong willed. There are a couple books that are great for "strong willed" children. The two that I have found most useful are: "You Can't Make Me (But I can be persuaded)" by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias and "Parenting the Strong Willed Child" by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long. I have only read part of each but the first one really has helped me understand my little boy. The second gave me another good insight. If you can take at least 10 minutes twice a day and give your son REALLY good attention (they suggested repeating everything that your child does... no questions and no directions) then that will help them realize that you do care about what they do and might help for the times that you can't give them that attention. Of course its more detailed in the book but I found that I really give more directions and questions than just following along. Its hard though! I feel for you but I do hope these books (the library should have them!) might help give you some insight and ideas. -H.

I also have a 5 year old girl and a small boy (almost 15 months). This isn't typical for boys. My boy hits and throws more (and harder) than his sister did, but it is not an all the time thing, and it's often quite playful so it's hard to be mad at him. Punishments don't work well for kids this age. I suggest looking into things like diet, allergies, food sensitivities--which is the last thing you would think might factor in, but in some kids can really upset their behavior. Try going to a naturopathic doctor. Good luck.

Boys are DIFFERENT than girls. They are naturally more aggressive. I have my opinions on how you should deal with him, but I think you should beg, borrow, buy or steal the book "Bringing up Boys" by Dobson. It's excellent and very eye opening!

Without more information, I suspect you have a spirited child on your hands. I don't think it's necessarily a boy thing, but could be the level of energy your son has is more than what most kids have and he needs help learning how to deal with it. There is a good book called "Raising Your Spirited Child" that talks about what makes spirited kids diferent and how to deal with them. It's challenging if you're not spirited yourself! But it helps to know where they are coming from.

It's hard for me to imagine punishing a child for doing what comes naturally for him. Especially a child so young. Are you showing him how you want him to act or just yelling at him for how you don't want him to act? It's time for some "get off your butt" parenting. Show him how to be gentle and loving. Hold his hands and tell him we don't hit people. Set him up with his own drawer in the kitchen with plastic tubs he is allowed to play with. Put the things you don't want him playing with out of his reach (or behind a cabinet lock). You may not want to watch him every minute and he may be too young for complex instructions. Make life easier on both of you by limiting what he can get into. Spend some more time catching and correcting him as well as complimenting him on the behavior you want to see. "What a nice hug you gave your sister!" (haha right?! maybe!) Let him know when he does good. Don't leave your 2 kids alone if you don't feel confident that he will not hit his sister. That is disrespectful to both children.

Read that book about spirited kids. Have him tested for allergies (I saw another comment on that, it's always a possibility). Focus on what you DO want him to do, not what you DON'T want.

And most of all, do not hit your child. (Not saying you do, but this advice is for everyone who has this problem!) That does not teach anything except that it is OK to hit. It doesn't matter what you THINK you're trying to teach by hitting a child, it's what he actually takes away from it that matters. He will internalize that hitting is OK and that's what he lives and grows with.

I have a son that's going to be 5 in May. I've had my fair share of dealing with tantrums, hitting, headbutting, biting, smacking, kicking, throwing things...etc. Believe me, things that I learned to help? Consistency and discipline. And no matter what...don't allow yourself to lose control or yell. If you are upset in any way, your son is going to know. Children feed off of your emotions.
Consistency and repetitive actions will help your son learn. It will take time. Sometimes little...sometimes a lot. Just remember to stick to your guns. I've learned with parents and kids, just watching and observing, parents either underestimate or overestimate their children. Never in between.
You could try time out. I use a minute for each year my son is. Your son might not understand fully just yet, but will come to understand...let him know that if he's not going to be nice in the time out, he will stay there a bit longer. I don't use bad/good with my son. Always label behavior and not the child himself. I use nice/mean with my son. Seems to work better. If he hits, immediately try to rectify the situation...i.e. time out.
Hope this helps. These are methods that I've tried, although my son was about 20 mo or so when I first started these tactics. Good luck! ~B.

Have you tried grabbing his hands when he hits and showing him to touch gently? I know girls and boys are very different, but when my daughter started doing that, I did not want to teach her that it was okay to hit or be rough and I wanted to teach by example. So when she thinks it's funny to hit my face or scratch at me. I tell her ouch and then take her hand and rub it gently down the side of my face and then I gently caress her face and head and repeat the words "soft" and "gentle". In time she was able to stop immediately when I would say "Ouch! Gentle." Then she would turn to the gentle behavior. I hope that helps!

Our daughter went through a hitting phase at about this age, too. She's 19 months now and will still hit on occasion, but much more rarely. When she hit (usually me in the face, multiple times and rapidly, as she was being picked up for a diaper change or if she was being redirected from something SHE wanted to do), I would quickly snag her hand and firmly say, "NO HIT," and then immediately: "Gentle, gentle to mama," as I rubbed her hand on my face in a long stroking motion. A woman who works with children (a friend of ours) said that with kids this age, it's a good thing to offer kids a substitute, preferred behavior for a a "naughty" one. With other little kids, if she hit them (or more recently, pull their hair), I would do the same thing, but then follow up with a "please give Kristen a hug" and then saying, "Ahhhh. Good job. Nice hug!" to show her that gentle and loving is best. It took a LOT of "gentles" those first few weeks, but it really seemed to help dramatically over the course of about 6 - 8 weeks, and she's started giving out hugs more freely to people she knows. You gotta feel sorry for these little people in a way -- they have very limited verbal skills and their only way of saying, "I'm frustrated!" is yelling, hitting or some other often-undesired behavior.

Good luck!

I'm dealing with similar issues except my son hurts the dog or us. First we teach him a word like gentle/soft and lightly rub his hand while we say it. If he hits we say OW!!Say Gentle and put his hand gently on our face and say AHH! We try positive reinforcement if we ever see him using soft touch we give him a sticker. We set him in a timeout chair and say no hit and give a hug. We try to pay more attention to the hurt one and ignore the hitter. Then we also run him around the house and wrestle or play on the jungle gym , which we temporarily moved into the house because of the cold. Good luck. Even though, I read start timeouts at age 2 we are starting early to get him used to it and he's only there for a minute and we make him go hug the dog afterwards. He's doing much better but it was hard to not yell at him at first. I have to be patient but it's working.

I am in almost the same boat, I have a 6 year old daughter that was a piece of cake, and a WILD 19 month old boy that is exactly as yours. I found that he acts like this mostly when I am trying to get something else done and ignoring him. Also, he retaliates against his sister because at other times, sister is not nice to him. I found it best to make sissy treat him how she wants him to treat her, and whenever I am speaking to my son, I get down to his level, hold his shoulders and look into his eyes. He will not obey at all if I simply yell "no" or bark instructions from across the room, but he almost always obeys if I tell him calmly to his face. Also, your son is old enough to start getting time-outs. That worked amazingly well with my son. I use supernanny's time-out technique, and he responds well. Also, when he is frustrated, try to give him simple words to use. Like telling sissy "no", or when he wants to do something, he tells me "me".

A.,
I have 2O month old twins and I want to say "ditto" to what 'brenda d' said in her response....consistent, no yelling discipline in form of time outs. Pick what behaviors are definate No's in your book and THE MINUTE it happens, calmly and clearly say NO ______ (ie: hitting, biting etc) and pick him up and move him calmly to the time out spot. one minute per year of age. do not engage him during this time, if he comes out, say "NO_____" again and calmly put him back. If he comes out again, don't say anything, just put him back. after his time out is over, get down to his level, say "We don't ____" and redirect him to an activity or whatever, don't make alot of fanfare or give him alot of attention or he will seek timeouts for that! Be consistent, this means if you are at a friends house or the store and he does it, find a spot and put him in it....kids are so smart, even at this age and he needs to know you mean business. Make sure to stay calm, etc like brenda said in her response. good luck!

HI A.-
My first question would be, how much sleep does your boy get? Without knowing more about your son, I wouldn't want to give any advice about how to discipline your child other than look at "Love and Logic: Parenting." I am the mom of an 18-month-old girl who is much more impulsive and bratty when she is lacking sleep. I read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and follow it religiously. It helped me understand that so much of bad behavior out there is sleep-related. Longterm sleep deprivation can have effects on intelligence and is closely related to impulsive behavior. Good luck. A.

What ever you decide to do the most important thing is to be consistent. Especially at this age. Every time he does something wrong there has to be some sort of consequence. Let me tell you it is waring and hard, but it works! I have a daughter who is 6 and twin that are 4. They are a joy to be with, but let me tell you it was soooo hard when they were 2.
J.

Hi A.!

I am a mother of 5 children! 2 girls and 3 boys. All I can say is.....a resounding, YES...this is normal for boys! Like you, I never had any issues with the girls acting this way...but the boys absolutely. In fact our (almost 3 year old) son, is just now starting to get out of that stage. However, I can tell you it started for him at about that 16 month old mark and has been very prominent to the point of being embarrassed at restaurants because he would grab something...anything off the table and throw it as far as he could. I remember one time it landed on someone else's table! I was mortified!

The good thing...they do get through this stage. Be patient, kind (I know sometimes you don't feel like it)sometimes you might just want to yell at them. Remember, they will learn that behavior too. However you react, they learn that. Try diversion. What we did is reinforce when it was a good time to throw things. Which I had to play catch almost 24/7 with him...but he now listens when I say.."don't throw that, it's not catch time". We'll do it in 5 minutes. Try to be proactive and anticipate areas that might go awry. Last but not least...buy a good catchers glove! Your going to need it! All teasing aside, he is just flexing a new found skill. Try to find ways to encourage it within paremeters. :)
Hope this helps.

S.

Hi there A.,

If you don't have one already, I would strongly suggest having a very solid rhythm at home. That means that, as hard as it is, sticking closely to a *predictable routine* that your son can count on, from day to day to day. This is crucial for small children. It can be simple: wake up, make bed, make breakfast, eat together, wipe table, wash dishes, sit down and have some floor time/ play time together, go outside and take a walk together. A minimal amount of t.v. and computer time is important.

The basic backbone of a predictable home routine (or rhythm) needs to *stay* in place, so that your son can have a sense of mastery over his environment. If he is having control issues (which is what it sounds like), having a solid home rhythm (predictable routine) will help him gain a sense of control, because he will know what to expect, from day to day. If everything is helter-skelter or random / come-what-may, children cannot organize in their brains and start acting-out. A solid home rhythm is as critical to children as sun is to growing plants. Try it, it will have a positive impact!

Warm wishes to you and yours,
A.
Mother of two, ages 3 & 5
(always working on keeping my own home rhythm!)

HI, I had problems with my youngest boy at that age as well. I developed a time out for my boys when. If they hit someone I would take away the toy and put it in time out and had the child sit in a chair or the floor by the wall for a minute. Then after the minute was over I would explain to him that hitting was not nice and he would be in the time out if he did it again. It worked for a while then I had to sit him in my lap for that minute because he learned to challenge me and got up and left before the time out was over.

Boys are rough and having to deal with thier rough play has to be a hard thing to tame... Hang in there and keep being presitant.. Good Luck

A.

A.,

I have a 3 year old little boy who started becoming very aggressive at about 18 months. It terrified me because both my husband and I are such laid back people we had no idea where it could come from. My best advice is read some books. Thats what I did and I basically found out my son is normal. Boys push boundries and even though it seems like he is out of control he is really only 16 months and you still can help him! My son would throw toys constantly, even at other kids. Some great advice I got is be consistent with the time outs. No matter when or what a toy is thrown at you can put him in time out each time. Just for a minute, and just be consistent it will take some time. I don't know why kids go through an aggressive stage, but they do and its normal as long as you are there to help them get over it.

AHHHHHHH!!!!! I have a 16 month old boy and the SAME problem!!! I think boys are different than girls. His pediatrician recommended that I use a "naughty spot". If he hits or throws something or stands up on the table for example, I give him a warning: "If you XYZ again, you are going to the corner" (we use the corner). Then I put him in the corner for 60 seconds. NO MORE. When the minute is up, I tell him, "if you XYZ again, you will go back to the corner for 2 minutes" and then I follow through. The first day we did this, we must have been out of the corner for about 30-90 seconds at a time and the rest of the day was in the corner. Well the morning that is. Eventually he started to understand that if he did the things I warned him not to do, I really would put him in the corner. It's not easy and it takes a lot of time at first, and he has by no means stopped the hitting and standing on furniture ect... but it is better and he responds to the warning much more quickly now. Just keep up with what ever you decide you are going to do, be consistant and be patient. I know exactly how you feel.

I have a son who is very active but I don't think it is typical for boys to be so out of control. When he doesn't something we don't like, we do use a time out spot for one minute. We have to stay there to keep him in place, but we don't look at him or talk to him during his one minute. We do talk about it afterward and he is now getting the idea of what will get him a time-out and what happens after he gets a "warning". At that age, there's probably some underlying cause to his behavior, rather than him just being naughty. You could look for particular patterns as to when it's worse or better. You could also look into food allergies- it is a common contributor to behavioral problems in kids, especially wheat, sugar, and dairy.

Hello I am not a counselor by any means but I have raised two boys. This child is old enough to know right from wrong. so you need to set some rules. If he is naughty have a time out spot in the corner, foot of stairs,someplace where there is no view of t.v. where he is out of sight of anything going on around him to focus on. Never send him to his room. Due to the age his attention span is very short so you will only place him there for no longer than 2 minutes. Set some rules with both children present. Bring yourself down to his or her level. Get on your knee's explain in a calm voice why he is being putting in the time out or naughty spot, do not give in to him under any reason. If he gets up do not talk put him right back in the spot. This first time may take some doing but be ready and make the time. After each time out in a calm voice ask him if he understands why he was put there. Ask for an apology, ask for a hug and tell him you love him. Then release him with the understanding this behavior is not acceptable in this house. Treat each child the same. After you have this under control you can have a reward system make up little reward tickets decorate a jar have them in sight where they can see them. If they are good they get a ticket for that day at the end of the week they can go the the Dairy Queen for ice cream or see a movie, lots of idea's out there. Just remember to be patient with this and consistency is what makes the change. Good luck and I truely hope this helps you. You are not alone. Take care S.

He probably has lots of energy and needs to learn to channel it in better ways. Puting him on a schedule containing one on one time with you or his father and then having time where it's his sister and him with you playing would help him release some of his energy. It will aslo help him learn to play nicely with his sister. If there is other toddlers around the neighborhood that he may have a play date with it will also help. AS he gets older he should calm down. If he doesn't then he might have a condition that makes it hard for him to control his behavoir. His doctor then will be able to help you.
Some kids act out in a need for more attention or more physical activities to release the energy.

My son needed more physical play when he was younger. I would wrestle with him or run around the yard with him playing tag.
By having more physical play time he calmed down and didn't act out anymore. He is almost 21 now and we have great comunication between each other.

I do have 2 much younger girls who didn't need this physical activity. They just enjoy the one on one time we have. I found board games work just fine for them.

i m so sorry
i have had a very hard time with my 2nd born, who is now connecting with us very well now.
my advice; be careful what he sees on tv, keep him out of daycare, and MAKE him respect the older siblings space or there will be many time outs. time cured my out of control and violent son. there was no use spanking it only did more harm. it was hard but i took away most of the toys as well they just overwhelmed him
good luck
it gets better

sounds like my son!sorry i dont have any advise for you,id like to see what other moms say though so i can get some ideas myself..good luck,maybe its just a boy thing?

A., I am currently reading a book that gives pretty good advice regarding discipline. I am using these techniques with my toddler son and they seem to work. The book is called "Setting Limits with your Strong-willed Child" by Robert MacKenzie. Hope this helps.

Boys are much more active most of the tome than girls, but a lot of it has to do with personality. He is not old enough to know that what he is doing is "bad". He is trying to get your attention and doesn't know how else to do it. He needs a lot of structure and activity. He needs something he can count on everyday, a routine. My son was a wonderful baby and toddler, he is 4 now and still wonderful with sharing and cooperation and playing. My daughter however is a pistol and into everything. She is 19mo. and very active. I notice a huge difference in her when I stray from my routine. She is more aggressive and tears everything apart. I realize that she is just extremely curious about the world she lives in and wants to explore everything at once. And when she doesn't have an outlet she gets quite cranky. As long as I make sure she has her naps at the same general time each day and take her outside to play and be stimulated, maybe have singing time in the afternoon, she is much more gentle and sweet. Your son just needs stability and room to get dirty and explore with you monitoring him. Buy a cheap bag of flour and let him play with it in the back yard. Have a "play' drawer for him in the kitchen of stuff that won't hurt him or others to play with. Make it a game to clean up when you are done in the kitchen. Have fun!
~A.

A short time out is a good way to start, but if that doesn't work you need be a little more aggressive. When we had this problem it was very diffcult because of the older siblings. I wouldn't let them get back at the baby......well he got older and meaner. Finally one day I had enough and told him I wasn't sticking up for him any more....well let me tell you his siblings had him in line very quickly. I admit now that it would probably have been better to give them permission to protect themselves earlier....because I know it was much harder for him later. They were never allowed to hit him....but a good shove was allowed. Of course after they would shove him and he would fall, he would come crying to us. When he found out no adults were gonna help him, he stopped tormenting everybody. This is normal part of development and I'm sure that he will grow out of it when he finds out it doesn't work for him.
GOOD LUCK!

I once new a young boy like that. His parents had him tested for food allergies. He was allergic to eggs and when he stopped eating them his behaviour changed radically.
Good luck

We went through the same thing with our second one. He was hitting, biting, and kicking our oldest son. They are 3 years apart, I think he was just trying to find his role as little brother. It is a little frustrating for them to fight for what they want with the older sibling. We found some great books by Karen Kane, "Hands are not for hitting", & "Teeth are not for Biting"
We would read these with him, and when he acted up we would ask him what are hands for, what are teeth for. It seemed to help. One thing is for sure it will get better. The biter, and hitter is three years old now and uses his words instead of his teeth to fight his battles.
Good luck! Hang in there.