Help a Sick Mama Out! (JFF)

my son is 3, hes the cutest kid in the world (also) , so he came over to me yesterday ... 'mama can i put my snot on your pants?" me "no tyler, why do you want to put snot on my pants?" "because i have a lot of snot."
(and he did)...
feel better :)

Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walked into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friend s were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those gold diggers sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

My husband was walking by our daughters. (Our toddler just turned 2 and our oldest is 16.) As soon as he passed by he farted, the oldest covered her nose saying, "ugh gross!" and her little sister yelled, "whoooo dada!". He said, "sorry it slipped." 20 minutes later while my husband was sitting down at the table eating our youngest ran to him, stood next to his chair, he bends down "what do you need dear?" She let out the biggest fart sound like it ripped the diaper then she yells" haha dada" and runs away laughing.
can you believe it; my husband got pay back from our 2 year old.

------

Our teen daughter has been driving since August. We bought her standard. She runs in from outside, "something is wrong with my car it won't start it just keeps falling dead!" I go out to look and turn to her and say, "if u want to go any where u have to release the parking park." My teen replies, "dad says its a self release break." I told her, "yeah u release it your self not the break doing it automatically." she says, "ooohh." I told her, "that's what got a lot of the women in trouble when self cleaning ovens first came out."

Some years back my 14 year old niece Heidi got a job in a pharmacy. She faced shelves, dusted, and greeted customers. One day a "gramma" type person walked in and greeted "Heidi" with a hello. Heidi of course said hello back. The gramma lady leaned over and whispered to Heidi, "I need a stool softener". Heidi looked at her and said "Is the stool metal, or wooden?"
Oh to be 14, and not know what a stool is!! ;o)

Blessings- and Happy New Year, I hope you feel better!

Ah, Ephie, I love your JFF post questions.

Picture it:1976. First grade in Mrs. Jones class. We've been asked to draw a picture of our family. I draw Daddy, then Mommy, myself and little sister, all in stick figures (girls have the lovely triangle skirts on their stick bodies). At this time, I loved dresses with puffy sleeve, so I drew big circles where sleeves should go.

A day later my mother got a call from Mrs. Jones. She got off the phone and asked me why I had "drawn breasts on all the girls in the picture". I emphatically denied doing this, having no idea what she was talking about. The next day my teacher was more direct and took me aside. "What are these?" she demanded, pointing at the picture.

"Puffy sleeves!" I was horrified to think they could have been misinterpreted as anything else.

It took me a long time --years-- to feel comfortable drawing people again.

I'm sure, if she's alive, Mrs. Jones remembers this too.:)

Feel better!
H.

When I was preggo with #3, I had no option but to take the older 2 with me to the doctor's for my checkups. As the Dr. was performing my PAP, the 3yo had her head practically glued to the doc's and she suddenly shouted out "I see the baby's ears!!" I laughed so hard I almost shot the speculum out!
Good luck, congrats, and get beter soon!

Here is my small laugh for the day. My daughter turned 2 today. She was opening her presents and got a new doll. She picked up the new doll, dumped the old doll out of the stroller onto the floor and cheerfully started pushing the new doll around in the stroller. It was so funny to watch.

BTW with Christmas and 2 birthdays this week my living room also looks like the toy box exploded all over the living room. And I am not sick or anything.

My daughter at 4 (last year): Mom, is M Asian?, Yes, she is Chinese. But, is she Asian? Yes, China is part of Asia. Oh, what am I? You are Caucasian. Huh? European. Naw uh! (very aghast). That means you are white. Oh, I thought you said I was peeing.

We both got a good chuckle at this one.

I can remember feeling so special when my little guy would give me hugs and kisses - then he kissed the refrigerator.....Also, when asked why he's standing with his pull up down touching his bottom, his answer "I'm fixing my butt!".
From the I never thought I'd have to tell a human being this - "don't lick the train", "get your toothbrush out of your butt".
Hang in there and don't forget it's okay to ask for help!

When my kids were toddlers--son 3, daughter 1-- I took a rare Saturday afternoon off and went to the mall, when I came back I was greeted with a stern look from my frazzled husband. (Normally cool and unaffected by anything...)

He related the following story:

Matthew had thrown a cotton diaper into the toilet and blocked it up. It had naturally flooded the toilet and the water had gone onto the floor. My normally calm and slow, slow moving, non verbal son, had exited the bathroom and house at lightning speed, leaping 2 feet in the air, and yelling, "Everyone out of the house! The house is sinking! The house is sinking!" We did not know he knew that many words!

Another time I was taking a walk with the kids, about the same age, with my daughter in a stroller. Remember my son, the slow mover.... Well out came a big dog. He barked at us. Zoom----there goes my son at lightning speed leaping and running again.

It was really remarkable at how fast that child could move when he was afraid..... Other times he was the slowest child, especially when we went some where like the mall or the zoo where there was a lot to look at. Then I had to put a leash on his chest so he could dawdle and look to his heart's content, and I did not have to pull on his little arm all the time.

I did love him dearly.

so take the dog hair on the floor and a bowl out of the sink and weave you a flower basket when you feel better. :) since your getting married in days I will give you a honey moon one. we rented a hotel with a spa in it. and like an idiot i added bubble bath to it. oh what a flooded mess. have you ever done this before bubbles all over the hotel room. :) ok so you didnt like that one try this one. my oldest son when he was about 7 opened the gate and the dogs got out and I had my kitchen window open and heard him exclaim "damn dogs anyway" :)

so for my youngest he sat around a put a bowl on my dogs head for 3 hours and the poor dog sat there and played right along with it. giving him kisses inbetween. but my son was fascinated with this game. oh and I was only supposed to give you one. silly me. :) enjoy your honeymoon and take lots of meds in the next days and congratulations. oh and it doesnt sound like your lot is perfect right now either good to hear you can take it in stride.

Hi ... this story is about my now 4 1/2 year old beautiful son. About 2 years ago, we were in the process of weaning him from his pacifier and I had gone out to buy a "Binky Fairy" present to give him in exchange for his binky to ease the pain of it being taken away. Needless to say he was a little out of sorts since we basically took it away from him cold turkey. I came home to find my husband giving him a bath. When I walked in the door from being out, my husband called "Honey, come here and see what your son has found!" Of course, I wandered into the bathroom only to find my son with his "you know what" firmly gripped in his little hand. He was not your typical boy in that he had never been one to touch himself so we just laughed it off and chalked it up to the fact that he needed "something" for comfort him since the binky was gone. At that moment, he looked at me with this distressed little look on his face, grabbed his pee pee and pulled on it really hard. He said to me "Mommy ... look ... it hurts when I do this." Of course we laughed and said "well, then don't do that!" Then he looked up at me and said with the sweetest little sincere voice ... "Mommy ... kiss it make it better?" Needless to say we both rolled over laughing and gently reminded him that there is no kissing p****** p**** and that he would have to settle for a kiss on the cheek and a hug instead.

We still laugh about that to this day and joke that some day he'll be in therapy laying on the couch talking about this!

Hope that made you laugh and congratulations on your upcoming wedding. =0)

My husband is a HUGE baseball fan. Been into it his whole life. Very excited fan watching the games. However, once kids came a long he had to learn to watch the game on the tv without the expletives in his cheering!

One night, that happened to being during the play offs, I was reading our almost 3 year old a bed time story. We were in the bedroom furthest away from the living room. Suddenly the quiet sleepy story time was interupted with, "F***! F***! F***!" My sweet sleepy eyed toddler looked at me quizzically and asked using the same tone and emphasis as her daddy, "Mommy, why did daddy say F***! F***! F***!?"
I have yet to let him live that one down!!

Well you may not be sick anymore (i hope not! ) but i will share a story or two anyway.

9 months pregnant with baby #3 I am sitting in DS (4yrs) room and he lifts my shirt to kiss his baby sister. He asks "mommy your belly got bigger?" Yes i reply "i got really bigger?" yes it did... "it got huger bigger" ....YES. "Ew gross put it away!!!"

Same son..."mommy" me- "what-y" son- "mommy" me- yes? son"MOMMY!!!" me- what!? son- i love you mommy

same son, Me- Night punkin , Son- mommy i not a punkin i a kaiden.

wish i had some to share for DS (3yrs) but he doesnt talk much yet (being tested for autism) he is def silly tho :P

I'll give you a couple twin stories. My boys are 10 now, but these happened when they were 5 and 6.

I was busy with my older son's school's auction. I had hubby doing the bedtime routine with the twins. When I got in I went up to give them a hug and kiss, and Twin B's hair was matted (I had given them a bath earlier that day). It was blood. He had bonked his head on the cabinet door and got a good cut.

The next day while driving them to school, I asked why they didn't tell dad about Twin B's cut.
Twin A: We were waiting for it to heal.

Me: Guys, you need to let mom and dad know so we can clean up the injury and it will heal quicker.

Twin B: You said you could see my brain, Guy!

Twin A: Guy, guy, I was kidding.

Twin B: No, Guy, you saw my brain.

Me: Twin B, he didn't see your brain. And if he could see your brain it would be very important to tell mom and dad.

Second Story:
At an open house when the boys were in Kindergarten a little boy came up to me and, pointing to the twins, said "They're brothers."
I responded with "Yes." He then says "They're twins."
Before I could say anything Twin B yells "Stop calling us that!"

I read up on twins to the point of overkill. One thing I kept reading was that they should have their own identity. So I never called them twins, in front of them, anyway. Poor Twin B, thought the kid was calling them names, LOL.