Discipline and the 3Year Old Child

I was told by a specialist, there room is the worse place to put them. As all their toys and favorite things in life is usually in there. That is a place to sleep and nothing else. I put my kids on chair in the corner, and put the timer on. If they got up I would just put them back, if they would whine I would tell them, an extra minute goes on the timer. 3 years old is a hard time, they dont quite understand what is really going on right now but old enough to know better. I used a wooden spoon to threaten my children too sounds bad but it worked my children are 20 and 21 now and never did I had to hit them, the chair in the corner worked for me. good luck

What you are doing sounds reasonable. Have you read Dr. Sears' Discipline Book, btw? Sometimes his methods are a bit unrealistic for actual parenting situations, but it's pretty good.

Hi ER,
Discipline and teaching children to understand boundaries is SO important and starting as early as possible is key, as long as your discipline is age appropriate. Times outs for 3 yr olds is appropriate, yet each child may react differently to different T.O. techniques. Also, get used to your little one "reporting" any and all home activity to daycare, especially if she thinks it'll get attention.
Here are some things I've found most helpful with my children...Time Outs DO work for them - they HATE them. I've found a couple corners and chair that are in our kitchen & family room works best (where we are 90% of the time and gives mom/dad more options). We save "T.O. in your room" for more serious issues. For my children, it doesn't matter where they go to T.O., they just HATE getting removed and losing their freedom. My children face the wall & cannot watch what's going on w/everyone else (otherwise they play) - you don't have to do that, but this is what works for my children. So, you may want to try a T.O. location near you but removed from activity. We use a consistent technique: 1) tell them firmly the specific behavior is unacceptable (and why..."it hurts people"), 2) march them to the corner/chair/etc. without saying another word, 3)set them in the corner and tell them to stay there until YOU say it's time to get out, 4) if she doesn't stay, quietly replace her until she stays, 5)after the designated time go to her and explain clearly why she was in T.O. and appropriate behavior, ask for an apology (you'll need to teach this at first), then tell her 'thank you' and hug & kiss. Be ready for her not to stay in T.O. the first time or two, but if you stay firm and return her to T.O. until she stays the ENTIRE 3 min., she'll learn YOU are in charge and will cooperate. My children still hate T.O.s but they know they must cooperate.
Regarding Daycare, I found the best practice was briefly explaining our T.O. process and asking Daycare workers to help in maintaining consistency while my children are at daycare. Daycares should support this (within reason, of course), since T.Os are an accepted form of correction for childcare centers.
Finally, as adoptive parents ourselves, we learned it's natural for many APs to feel less secure in the discipline techniques used - especially with the added "oversight" we endure more than birthparents. BUT, remember you ARE the parents, plus you've received more childcare training just to get approved for adoption, than 90% of birth parents. (This is NOT say in any way birth parents are less aware or educated...) Trust what you've learned and your natural parental instincts - adjust with your child's individual needs, and use discipline with love, caring and respect. Also, it's important to remain calm yourself while disciplining (even tho it's hard at times). If your child knows she can "trigger" you, she's learned a new trick!
Plus, I've found it's really helpful to connect with playgroup moms. If they have other (or older) children, they can offer a wealth of insight, support & ideas!
It's hard to set boundaries, especially at first (and as children change...), but it's important, and your child will be better for it and appreciate it as she gets older (so will you!). Best wishes!

Dear ER,
Three year olds seem challenging to adults because they are fabulously independant.

Many times in my experience children act out for attention or have something emotional that they are struggling with and send us adults signals. In short, if there is a need for something that is not being met, a child will act out becuase they instinctually know what they need. The frustration is that sometimes the adults around them take a while to notice so the acting out is understood by the adults as misbehaving.

I have a friend who uses a timer and gives her child "special time" where they sit together and play any game that the child would like to lead. Mom sets the timer for 5 minutes and gives her child undivided attention. They have a good time and my friend has shared that her 3 year old behavior problems have all but disappeared!

There are many good books that promote positive discipline. A few of my favorites are "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence J. Cohen, "Teaching Right from Wrong" by Arthur Dobrin and one of my favorite parenting books is "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn.

www.attachmentparenting.org is also a good resource with parenting forums. There may even be a local group for you to network with.

Peace and good luck.
L. :)

Nothing wrong with a time out. I use them for my 3 year old, but she sits on her "time out rug." I think if I put her in her room she would use it as play time. A teacher working with 3 year olds should know not to take everything the kids say literally but they may also need to follow up on things the kids say. My daughter makes up stories all the time--can't figure out how she comes up with some of the things she does!

If the time outs are working for your child, keep using them.

C.

with the time out you don't want to lock them in.....pick either a specific spot...like the stair on the staircase, a stool, or a specific chair.....that way they know that thats for time out. What will possibly start to happen is your child will start to become fearful of her room. Will mommy and daddy lock me in? or I am in my room cuz I must be in trouble.

Dear E R

I think the only thing I would change is the time-out location. I do believe in time-out and I think 3 minutes is right on target. Just remember to pick your battles, try to give a warning, and follow through with the consequences. I never put my kids in their room, or their crib, or bed I didn't want them to associate their rooms, crib, or bed, as a bad place. I would pick a chair, or a step you can send her to. If she refuses to stay just keep putting her back until she does. When the three minutes are up explain to her what she did wrong, ask for her apology and give her a hug and move on. I own a daycare and trust me kids come in everyday with some funny stories so we always take them with a grain of salt. I am sure your daycare does not think ill of you they just probably wanted to let you know what was told to them. One time my son, daughter, and I were in the supermarket and a strange man approached my kids while sitting in the cart (I was a foot away) and he frightened my son. My son went to school and told the teacher that a man tried to kidnap him and his sister and mommy was in the other aisle. I was mortified because I guess to him he was so scared I appeared to be miles away. The teacher told me and I explained what really happened. So sometimes kids perceptions are a little off and I am sure any experienced teacher can tell the difference between a lock-down at the penn and a simple time-out. You are not doing anything wrong just being good parents implementing, discipline and positive reinforcement for misbehavior. Good luck and happy holidays!!

We don't do time outs so much, I did for a bit. I read somewhere about 'special time' or the 'cuddle corner' A chance for them to come back to center so to speak, we may sit a read a book, or we look at each other hold hands and practice deep breathing. It's very cute to a see a 3 year old stop and a take a deep breath cause he knows he needs to calm down a bit.

School/Daycare got a new preschool teacher, she uses 2 phrases one is "good choices" lets make good choices, etc or 'take space' instead of time out, not so much thinking of it as a punsihment but more as a time to regroup, they need to take space away from the activity or people that was riling them up. So now I have him near me not in his room, and just separate from the activity, maybe his toddler table with a book /

Alot of times now my little guy will 'take space' then i ask him if he know's why he's taking space right now, and he will very effectively tell me exactly why he's there. If there is more than one offense I ask what else? and he tells me more. so we talk nicely for a couple minutes about it. I ask if he's ready to come play, and he often responds with " i will make good choices"

Over all, it's calming, and seems pretty effective. He is a very independent sort and does not take well to strong directives. Good Luck

Everything you are doing is entirely fine for a 3 yr old child. Kids have a habit of saying embarassing things at day care, and I am sure your day care is used to this and has the appropriate skills to decide if there really was a problem. My daughter told our caregiver that I "hit her" when in fact we just had an accidental collision while I was on my way to another room. This is par for the course.

If your child is otherwise ok with the timeout, and not frantically screaming, this should be ok. My son was very scared at this age to be alone in his room. We still did timeout, but did it in a room downstairs so he would not feel that fear of being alone in the room. As long as your child is not truly afraid of the situation, I don't see a problem.

We haven't started time-out with my (turning in March) 3 year old...we do however send her to her room alone to play, as she gets VERY rambunctious come evening, and we have a 3 month old in the house who needs a nap now and then!
We don't lock her in, but we do tell him to go play in her room. Thankfully she listens well at this point, and only tries to sneak out now and then!

I would recommend finding a chair just her size and using that for time-out. Using her room itself might lead her to dislike playing on her own there, and might confuse the purpose of the time-out. A room is large, and can be daunting to a child alone, but a chair is small and containing and will make her feel like it's a loaction in and of itself.

Good luck!

"We lock the gate and forbid TV.." "cardinal rules on disciplining"

You are right to set clear limits, the tone seems a little harsh. You want her to know that you will limit her BEHAVIOR and choices for a period of time but that you still love HER.

My pediatrician told me to put our son in his room on Time Out and to start with a few minutes then increase it until he learns that when he can be good he can come out. We would put him in his room and close the door, but stayed close buy just in case. We have a ranch style home so it was not a big deal. So no you did nothing wrong and a good daycare has to mention that your daughter did say she was locked in her room. Keep in mind that to a 3 year old it seems worse than it actually is and besides it is not like you are doing it for an hour plus. Three minutes may seem like forever to her, but as you know it really isn't. Take a deep breath, you are not wrong.
Hugs,
T.

Hi, I'm a daycare provider, when you place your three year old on time .She is in the same room your in a chair facing you not the wall. Time out is about 3- 4 minutes for age. but you have to explain to her why she is on time.and make sure she know why. Never behind closed doors. This also lets you know what she doing.

i have rarely done a time-out (thank god) with my two (4+ and 2+) but when i do, they "go on the stairs". i don't even use the word "time-out" and never ask them if they want one as a way to get them to behave. if they do something warranting time on the stairs, there is no negotiation. i put them there because there is nothing to distract them (toys, etc.) and i stand nearby and wait. then they must apologize for the behavior depending on what went wrong. truly, i rarely have to do this because i've been consistent with discipline and what is expected of them regarding behavior. lots of work!! but worth the time invested. good luck!

3 minutes time-out for a 3 year old sounds right to me because from what I know,...it's supposed to be one minute per each year of the age of the child.

Hello ER,
I have taught many parenting workshops over the past ten years. I would always mention to parents that consistent discipline should be the 1st step.

Discipline - it's about loving them, yet being firm and carrying through.

I used time out w/ both of my kids. They are both well behaved in school and at other peoples houses.

Yet, age 3 was one of the most trying ages. Age two was a breeze compared to age 3 in my house...

Therefore, set the road for good discipline now.

I did not send my kids to their rooms. I had them sit on the bottom stair. Then I would set my kitchen timer for 3 minutes.

I always used the 1-2-3 Magic technique - if needed. I still use it today - and it still works. Tom Phelan has had his book out for some time. The video is even better.

If there's a good parenting workshop leader in your area - attend a few workshops to find out more about discipline and to find out about other tips, techniques and books

Hi ER. You have done nothing wrong. It is acceptable discipline to put a 3 year old in time out. A kid's perception of what "locked in" means is very different from an adult's. I hpe that you let her teacher know that she was gated into her room for 3 minutes. Teachers and others who have access to kids must investigate what children say and take it seriously. Good luck!

Relax...your doing a great job.

Our place for time out was the staircase. Our house is small and it is fairly central to all the living areas. I wanted to send the message that whatever behavior that was going on wasn't not acceptible, but not make their bedroom a punishment. One of the bottom few steps was the spot, not creeping higher.

I just read a great book about discipline. It states to never put a kid in time-out in their room. They can play in there and it really isn't a punishment. It may seem that way now, but what happens when she figures out that her toys are there. The book says to use a high backed chair in a boring location. We sit our son in the kitchen using the timer on our stove. Plus, she will start to associate her room as the punishment room, if you send her there for all discipline and that can create problems for bed time. You want her room to be a fun place. She is old enough to sit in a chair for 3 mins. I'd start that and stop using her room.

The answer from TA G was wonderful and seemed to just say it all, so I can't really add anything to her answer, but I have to tell you that when my son Cooper was 3 and had to go to his room for time out, he would march right to his room, get on his bed (even though I did not tell him to get on the bed, but to just go to his room) and he would remain on his bed until I told him he could get up. He also used to tell on himself. He is my firstborn. I think it's so funny that he'd place himself on his bed and just wait, rather than playing with his toys and stuffed animals that were right there in the room with him! He was so comical doing that! My husband & I got such a kick out of him.
D. N.

Oh how cute she is. A born actress. No you are NOT doing anything wrong. However I think she might be old enough to have a time out in a chair, instead of her room, because sooner rather than later she will figure out her toys are there and decide its not so bad. But then she will probably tell the teacher you tie her to a chair. LOL From one adoptive mom to another Happy 2009

I use to say that sending my kids to their room for punishment was like sending them to Disney without the costumed characters.

I'm sure the teacher at daycare hears that kind of stuff all the time. If it's mentioned again just let her know it's a gate at the doorway and she's supervised. Like I said they've probably heard worse. 3 yr olds are sooo dramatic.