Bonding with Unborn Baby & People's "Opinions"

Hmmm...you ask for advice, dump her. Who asks these questions?!

When they put the slimy little baby on my chest for me to "bond" with, I thought, Okay now you can take her and clean her up. It wasn't her I was discusted with, but all the ick she was covered in. I am not that good with blood and guts and I really didn't want her on me while she was icky. I could care less what people think about that experience, I love my baby and no one can convince me of anything different.

If you are lucky enough to have help, then take it. You will need it. There are plenty of questions asked every day by new moms and if you can have assistance from a professional, then take it.

You are going to be a great mommy. Don't let anyones opinion make you feel any different.

Once you have that baby, you really won't have time for people like her.

Congratulations on the new baby.

You don't need this kind of energy around you right now!! A true friend would NEVER make a new Mom to be(or anyone for that matter) feel that way, or at least I would hope not.

When I was pregnant with my first, as happy as I was, I didn't do very much of the belly rubbing/talking to kind of stuff either. For me, I guess my reason was this was very new to me and I really wasn't sure what I was supposed to do but also, I didn't want to get too attached. I was busy working and didn't really get to enjoy my pregnancy as much as I did my second. However, all that being said, I bonded with my baby the moment she was born and everything came very naturally. With my second, I did talk to him - all the time.
(-: My point here, just because you don't rub your belly and talk to your baby doesn't mean you will be a bad Mom!

As for the baby nurse that your in-laws are paying for. That is fine too. Personally, I'm too much of a control freak to have another person taking care of my newborn - in fact with both kids we didn't allow any company for the first two weeks so we could get a good nursing relationship going. But, if this is what you want and someone else is footing the bill then go for it. It doesn't mean this person will take care of the baby 24/7, if anything she'll probably be there to do whatever she can to help you! So take advantage of it!

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. From now on, when this "friend" says something, just smile and say thanks. She is not worth crying over. After you have your baby, you can find other new Mommies to bond with and get support from. Congratulations on making the choice to stay at home.

Best wishes,
M.

Yikes, with "friends" like that who needs enemies.

I think it's time to start meeting new people.

How absurd! Who is she to question whether or not you are bonding with your unborn baby.

Oh my goodness - sounds like it's time for a new friend. In fact, I'm not sure you can call someone who made you cry, frowns on you for your choices and questions why you are having a baby a friend. Talk about insults and injury!

I personally would want to have friends who understand my choices and who would rejoice with me about my new baby AND the fact that I was so lucky as to have help with a new baby.

We didn't pay someone, but my mother was here for quite some time after the arrival of my kiddos. I would have never made it without her, and there is no shame in having help.

Dear S.,
Ok, for some crazy reason some women are compelled to totally dump their weird emotional garbage on pregnant women, and usually women who are pregnant for the first time. We can all guess why, but who cares? It's insane!
The main thing is, you MUST protect yourself from this woman's and other people's BS.
When I was pregnant with DD#2 I practiced HypnoBabies and it was awesome (and it totally worked-I had a comfortable drug-free birth)! We used a Bubble of Peace visualization. You can try picturing people's words bouncing off your bubble of peace. Or you can practice going a little deaf with a sweet smile on your face while these people blab on and on.
The main thing is to not let other people's negative goo infect your beautiful pregnancy. You are doing what is right and comfortable for you and baby. Other people's negativity belong only to them.
Don't engage in conversation with this woman about pregnancy. Just don't talk about your choices with her. If she pries change the subject.
These sorts of people drive me bonkers! Good luck!

E.

I don't remember how much I talked to my baby before she was born, but I do remember sitting on the couch for ridiculous amounts of time and just watching my tummy.

Sounds like you need to put some distance between you and this friend. I had to let go of a friendship during my pregnancy because she was so negative and would tell me things that I knew were not true (like my daughter would be deaf because I had an ultrasound early on). Now (my daughter is 20 months old -- with insanely good hearing, I might add) we only speak occasionally, which is sad because we used to do so many things together, but at least I didn't have to deal with the stress and drama that went along with her for the last 6 months of my pregnancy.

As far as a nurse goes, countless numbers of women have had help from family, friends, doulas, etc. for ages. It is up to you to make the choices that will work for your family. You don't have to do or not do something just because others find it right or wrong. With that said, I would recommend that you let all the people who want to help you do things like dishes or laundry or cooking so you can spend as much time as possible getting to know your wee one and not have to worry about housekeeping duties.

Good luck!

She is definitely jealous!!! You don't need someone like that in your life. I have 2 kids and I rarely talked to my babies while I was pregnant. I felt bonded to them the moment I knew I was pregnant, I just never felt compelled to sing or chat with them. I love both of them so much and saved the chatting for after they were born. Whether you have conversations with your child in utero has no bearing on how much you are bonded. As far as your in-laws paying for a baby nurse, if you are comfortable with that, then there is no issue! The best gift you can give a mom is a little extra rest and a break here and there! Take it when you can get it! I would say you love your baby so much that you want to make sure that your child gets the best care! Being a new mom is stressful enough. Please don't listen to her.

I wonder if she has children of her own? People who don't have children are very opinionated on how to do it propertly. They read everything yet the don't have any children. I will stop there because she might have children.

Like you I rubbed my belly but for me it wasn't until I started feeling the kicks that I started talking to our son. It was here and there like "oh did you like that song" or "hey that hurt". There is no gauge on whether you are a bad parent until they are outside of the womb. Don't even worry about your friend (who isn't being a very good friend by the way).

I would tell her that her comments aren't productive and to keep them to herself. I can't stand self-righteous people.

Hi S.,
I agree w/ the other gals, take what people tell you when you are pregnant and file it away with " JUNK MAIL" . Everyone who has had a baby or been pregnant has something they want to share because having a baby is so personal and only we women are blessed enough to share that experience. But, that being said, you know how we ladies can act. You will be a fantastic mother to your child, and congratulations by the way ! Oh, and that person who said she is your friend, get her out of the picture before she adds anymore stress to your life.!!!

Congratulations S.! I'm expecting baby #6 and only with my 3rd baby was I not "afraid" of my newborns! Bonding? Oh that was very difficult with my 1st and 2nd one. I had very little help and it took me having more kids to relax, gain some experience and confidence, and enjoy them. It seems like the more kids I have the more I enjoy all of them. My 10 and 12 year-old daughters are now a delight and a joy to me. I'm bonded with them now! Personally, I think it's a wonderful gift to have a baby nurse for two weeks. You're very fortunate because you will have lots of questions and it will be very reassuring for someone specially trained to help you. As for the friend, oh dear, she sounds like a jealous rival who's best left at arms length. You need to surround yourself with people who are loving, reassuring, and are excited for you. You're approaching the final stretch of your pregnancy - enjoy it! God bless you.

Some people really think they know it all don't they!

I was not much of a talker either and still am not to my three week old baby. I try, because I too hear it is what you're suppose to do, but naturally, I don't think that's me. But if someone where to insinuate that I don't love my baby....well they would just be plain wrong. And what a blessing it is for somebody to be there to help you out for two weeks! There are a ton of questions you will be faced with and for somebody to show you how to do it...well that is great.

But what it comes down to is that what you feel now is nothing what you will feel like when you actually have your baby. I did not really "get it" until after I had him and then it all fell into place. Some women have that exciting feeling when they become pregnant, and can find nothing else to talk about but with me that was not the case. I didn't talk much about him, I didn't even think I could do it or be a mother many times during my pregnancy and now that he's here...well there are no words to explain the feeling. All I know is that I love it and I was never the domestic, motherly type at all! You will be just fine and my advice is to tell your friend to take her opinions and shove them....well never mind...but you get the idea!

Of course you're bonding with your baby. Remember there was a time that M.'s bonded with babies after birth, because we didn't know prenatal development as we know it today and all those generations developed healthy did they not? As for her comments, if she really is a friend, you should feel free to tell her how you felt when she rendered her opinion to you. As for you being lucky enough to get a nurse's support, you may not want her around once your baby arrives. I couldn't bare to leave my baby, not because I didn't trust anyone else, but because I didn't want to miss a minute of her. I will tell you this, trust your maternal instincts (if they haven't already kicked in, they will after you meet your baby.) and YOUR decisions when it comes to your baby's needs should supercede the opinion of anyone training you to be a new Mommy. Just like everyone bonds differently, everyone parents differently too. Best to you and your new baby.

keep breathing. You are so close and ULTRA sensitive because of all the hormones. Yes, you will bond in your own time in your own way and it will be beautiful. Everyone has to mother/nanny/nurs/have help in whatever way that serves you and your family best. For me that is on my own but I would certainly welcome support if it was in our budget. If you are comfortable with it then greaet. You will find your confidence and your boundaries with other moms as you build your relationship with your little one. Congratulations.

lucky!!! Do you think that they will spring for a night nurse til say 3 mos? Proubably jelous, I know I am!!! It is such a great idea to have a nurse come for new mommies. You have so many questions with your first one, that it would be great not to have to rely on mothers/friends/internet for advice. Go to a nurse! I never talked to any of my kids in utero, except to say "if you keep kicking me, mama is going to eat chili for dinner." As soon as I saw there face, it was instant bond, except with my 3rd, it took a bit longer but he was definatey loved and adored by the time we left the hospital (I didn't have any drugs with that one, and I was in labor for 18 hours, I think I was just to exhausted!) Don't worry about that friend, be grateful for the in-laws, and enjoy your rest!

You got a lot of responses to this post but I just wanted to tell you that I think you did the right thing. You have the right attitude about parenting. Keep that up. It is very hard to be a parent because sometimes you don't know if what you have been doing is "right". Always keep in mind that not everyone nurtures, disciplines or even feeds their kids the same way(i.e. organic only,etc.) You will encounter these things along the way. A great thing to have is the book: what to know the first year(or atleast I think thats what it is called.) It is a great book. even if you don't read all the time it is great for reference once in awhile if you have a question. I wish I had a nurse for a week or two. I was exhausted. I had a 17mo old and a newborn and watched 6 other kids. That would have been great.

Please keep this in mind in all things you do:
Not everyone will agree with your decisions. No matter what they are, what they are about, or why you made them. There will always be atleast one person that doesn't agree with you. You need to make decisions based upon your heart and your beliefs. It has taken me a long hard road to learn this and it also involves parents and siblings. I hope your road is the most enjoyable and I wish you luck in everything you do now and in the future.
H.
-22yr old wife and mother of 2 children-3yrs and 2yrs.

Every mother is different. I too, rubbed my belly, but I didn't really talk to him. I did apologize to him over and over about the situation he was going to be born in... I was so guilt ridden. However, once he came out... if it wasn't for the epidural (yes, I chickened out!) I would have been up off the delivery table to get my baby from the nurses' hands. Don't worry about that part... you will feel this insatiable bond when he/she is put in to your arms for the very first time. I cried and cried. I had NO idea what it was like until he was on my belly and I was nursing him. AMAZING!
Who knows why your friend is saying what she is saying... might be the stay at home business... might be because you're getting all the attention right now... but it really doesn't matter. What matters is that you are comfortable being the mom that you are going to be. If she doesn't have kids herself it could be that she's jealous for that very reason.
Try meetup.com. There are lots of mothers there... both new and seasoned! :)
On the nurse part... I'm torn with that too. It's almost like no sleep is a rite of passage from girlhood to mommyhood. I can understand that you want someone there to help you, but he/she is only a newborn once and those night time feedings do go by awfully quickly. My bf offerred many times, but I have always taken the time to get up with him. Yes, there were times I sat on the floor of his room crying because I was so exhausted. Yes, there were times I wanted to put some earplugs in and sleep. And yes, there were many times I second guessed my decision to be a mom. However, now that I'm passed the every 2 hours feedings I can look back and say I would do it all over again if it meant that I would be as bonded to my baby as I am now. So think twice about having around the clock help. Maybe just have 3-4 hours a day where you can go lay down and get some sleep knowing that your baby is in good hands. You will pick up on the "new mommy" stuff pretty naturally... we're wired that way!

oh ignore her.
Each woman is different and bonds differently. It's probably just "new mom nerves" and anxiety. We all get like that when pregnant. We all wonder how we will be once the baby comes.
Ignore her. She is saying hurtful things.

If your in-laws are having the baby nurse for you, then how nice of them! Enjoy it. There is no predicting how tired you will be and each woman adjusts differently. Take each step at a time.

Enjoy your pregnancy in your own way, and in private. You don't have to tell her everything. Rise above it.

I was nervous about "bonding" as well...once the baby comes, and you have her/him in your arms.... it will feel different. This is YOUR special moment... don't let her take that away from you.

Many times, after having a baby, some Moms have a "no visitor" rule... until after she feels like it. Don't feel obligated to "entertain" your friend if she comes to visit you once you are home... YOU are the new Mommy, and you decide when and if you want visitors. For me, I didn't want visitors right away, I wanted to be in my own space and privacy. Each person is different and that is fine. Just don't let your "friend" "burden" you in any way, and don't entertain her "nosiness" in your business.

take care and congratulations!
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

She's a Toxic person. I think she needs to be put in her place , and not in a nice way. Some people go through life thinking they have a right to say anything they like to other people, and that gets reenforced because nobody ever puts them in check.

You know what opinions are like ....and everybody has one . Except you , you have 2, and your "friend" is one of them . One is ENOUGH sweetie !

And as far as not bonding with your baby , don't even sweat it. Enjoy all the rolls , kicks, punches , hiccups etc.. however you want. When that baby comes out you will have plenty of good bonding time , nurse or no nurse. You may be even more apt to bond more quickly with your child because you aren't exceedingly exhausted from caring for an infant and trying to recover at the same time. My husband, parents and sister in-law took care of my baby for the first month after I gave birth because I was very sick. I basically looked at my baby and talked to him for the first month of his life. I didn't have any problem bonding with him , and you won't either.

Good luck !
J.

I would drop this 'friend', or at least limit time spent with her. She's mean. Every Mommy bonds with their child differently.
With the baby nurse, congrats. I wish I had had someone like that. On the other hand, don't be afraid to tell her to take a walk while you play, care for, bond with your baby. It is Your baby and just because she is a 'professional' doesn't mean she knows it all. You have spent the last 10 months with your baby. You know your baby best. She is there to help YOU, not to bother you. If she says something you don't like or don't agree with, Tell her. If she won't respect you and your choices, you don't need that kind of help.
Best of luck, and have fun
R.

You are definately "normal". I didn't really talk to my baby in utero..I figured she heard me all day long! It sounds like you need to put some distance between you and your friend. I had a c/s and it took me a little longer to bond with my baby, or course I loved her dearly and protected her, but everyone is different and you will "bond" on your own time. Honestly I think bonding is spending time togehter and you can't really do that till he/she is born.
To top it off, EVERYONE should be so lucky to have help with a newborn. I think you may benefit and learn more if you are a first time mom recovering and confused. I would want to do everything on my own, but just to know the help is there is a HUGE relief. You may want to ask your in-laws for her to come back after a few months--that's when you will really need a break.
Your "friend" does sound jealous! Don't take what she says to heart--or anyone for that matter.
Just remember..ENJOY, it goes by fast!