I'll try to keep it brief. My stepdaughter's behavior toward our toddler, to me, has gotten to the point where to me, she is trying to behave like she is his mother. She corrects him when he is doing wrong, when I am right there, and have just corrected him, myself. In other words, she is echoing what I have just said to him (example"John, put it down.") It's as if I'm not there, or non-existent. My husband has come to notice this, and all he says is her name, with a tone, and that's it. It hasn't stopped the behavior. I have no idea what to do, and we did sit down with her and pray and talk with her this past weekend, about that, among other things, althoughI really don't know that there were any resolutions made. I have considered that if she were used to the "babysitter" role, that maybe this would an automatic response, but my stepdaughter has never babysat in her life. She has just taken it upon herself to correct our son, and continues to do so in front of me (and the both of us), and I'm not sure what form of discipline, or otherwise to do about it, if it continues, when she visits on weekends. She is already overbearing with him as it is, and I have told her this past weekend she needs to back off in that respect too, as in she pays him an overabundance of attention (taking pictures, swiping him up from under me constantly), while totally ignoring me, not speaking to me, etc. The ignoring me was mainly what we discussed this past weekend.
Any advice would be appreciated. We are active church members, and she is in church when she is with us, but not with her mom, although her mom does go to church and we are all saved Christians.
Sorry for such a long delay in responding to everyone....I so appreciated reading everyone's responses, and realize that many "big sisters" want to be just that to their younger siblings. I have tried to realize that more, although since I originally wrote my request, my stepkids have only been to our house one time, for one weekend, so I haven't had much of an opportunity to be around them. On the other hand, I still have a problem with her ignoring me, and disrespect of me, and that will be handled, most likely through counseling. My husband and I began family counseling this past week at a local church, and will go on a weekly to every other week basis, and at some point bring in the kids. The kids are aware of this and are willing to participate. I think his ex-wife is also willing to participate. This is a blessing to me, as I have been wanting some type of counseling, basically since we married, to find out exactly what my role as a stepmom is, and that will be addressed, too.
Thank you again for you thoughtfulness and time in responding to my request.
It sounds like totally normal behavior - especially from an older girl. One thing you might want to think about it is your use of the word "visiting" when describing her time at your home. No one wants to feel like they are a visitor in their father's home. Believe me, I've lived it. Let the children have their own relationship and don't worry about her correcting him. It could be worse, she could be mean to him. Good luck!
I agree with the others. Its pretty normal for older children to be bossy with the little ones. Its the the same with my four. As for her "attitude" try turning the tables and use her connection with your son to try to be friends. Take her shopping and ask her input on clothes for her brother or let her help plan an event, like a day at the park or birthday party. My stepmom never tried to be "mom" she just talked with me and we are friends. I dont see her as "the stepmom" but just another person in my life.
T.,
I don't think she has a problem. I think it's completely normal and it sounds like you might be jealous. Maybe the two of you didn't get along so well before either and now she really likes your son but still cares about the same for you... but that's just my oppinion.
You're very lucky she loves her baby brother so much and wants to spend time with him.
Turn this around and look at it from her point of view. Her father is no longer living with her and her mother, but now has a new life. She probably sees your family as three plus one, with her being the odd-guy-out. The human mind seeks survival, and by ignoring you and bonding with her sibling she may feel closer to her father. I cannot imagine how excruciating it would be to sit with a step-mom to "talk and pray" about this. What exactly are you praying for with her? To not be ignored? That would just make a kid tune out because they are only so much in control of what's happening anyway -- a child in this situation is almost without question responding to unspoken wounds. Here you have a teenager who is going through the mothering time, regardless of having been or not been babysitting. They do this at this age, and the girls who don't have siblings to mother are usually smiling at little kids in the grocery store and bugging their parents to get a kitten. This is such a normal thing, and she may well be responding negatively to you because of your trying to stop her attempt to be a full part of your family. I do understand that she might have been nasty to you before the whole mothering thing, but then that would point to her having an issue that you can't help her with. You can't make a person like or respect you, and the most successful step-parents out there usually approach the relationship more like a friend than a parent. If you keep trying to talk to her about her "behavior" instead of trying to get to know her, it is very possible that the two of you will not find a way to bond.
Without getting too personal, how is your relationship with her not regarding your son--just between the two of you? If it's not that great, I would say she is sorta using your son to be vindictive towards you--in other words--trying to make him view her in the same light he views you. However you are his mom and she can't change that--but when you said she is overbearing to him and pays no attention to you while she is doing it, that seems a little odd. Your husband may be the only one who can put a stop to it. Good Luck!!
My oldest daughter is 11 and my youngest daughter is 5. The oldest is forever trying to boss her little sister around. I feel like I am always reminding her that she is not the momma.
I think that just comes with being older than someone else in the house. But it may be worse in your house because she is not the oldest in her other home. There, she is the one being bossed around; so at your home she is taking advantage of the older than someone. Also, I think if you sit her down and talk to her about your thoughts and feelings then maybe you could work somethings out. Tell her something like-- I would like to be able to give you some babysitting time, but right now you are being to bossy for me to consider that. (Also, you bring up the fact that she shouldn't ignore you because you are part of the family too.) Maybe the two of you need to find some common ground, and your son may just be the solution. At first let her watch him while you are doing something in another room at the house. That way you can see how she would react in a babysitter role. She may really enjoy that because she doesn't get very much time to spend with her little brother. If you stop and think about how little time she does get to spend with yall, it is only 4 to 6 full days a month. I know b/c that is how much time my oldest daughter spends at her dad's house.
Good luck and I pray for peace in your home.
I think it is just love and wanting to help. My 6 yo DD does the exact same thing to her 2 yo sister. She is like a parrot to me correcting her sister. Then I will catch her telling baby sis that she is going to get a time out or lose a privelege if she doesnt stop whatever it is. It drives me CRAZY but I think it is normal. I just remind her that "I am the mom and Im in charge of discipline but thanks for the help". I dont think this is really deserving of punishment. Just reassure her that you are handling things. Good Luck
I don't think you have a problem...I think you might be lucky...our 10 year old daughter does the same thing with our 1 year old daugther. Yes, I does get old, but we are very grateful that she loves her little sis so much. Maybe it's the same with you. We call it the "mother smother role". Maybe she also wants you to be proud of her trying to take care of the little one. Just a thought.
I have 3 of my own where the teen (14) tries to be momma to her 8 year old bro/sis twins it drives my husband and me crazy. Me most of all where I find myself yelling they have a mom or my husband saying thanks mom to her or even before we can correct their wrong. We have been at a stand still alot of times with it. Because there is a nearly a 6 year age difference. They fight constantly. But I know in the event of something drastic or serious she always defends them I heard her do it several times over. I know that sounds awful waiting for something bad to happen but really partly it is love well some of it is. The rest she is showing I can be the boss because I am older. Which is also why I do not let her watch them for me unless really necessary or when I want a grocery store run on my own. But see when she is playing the bossy card you have to let her know who the boss is which is not always easy I am afraid.. But the ignoring you thing would not work at all my husband would have already stepped in and put a stop to her doing that and treating me that way and not just raising his voice with her name. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but their are ways to handle and discipline in manners that are respectful for all. We have been down the path alot and while I dont think there is a complete cure there some solutions you work on together. With mine it stops a while then starts back. So best of luck but do know she loves but her brother but has some resentment as mine does because she is not the center of her dads attention or in my case the center of mine. Where it used to be her and me.
I'm curious to see the responses if anyone can help - could it be just an age thing? My 13 year old is the same way with her 9 year old brother - correcting him constantly and repeating what I say to him.
In terms of ignoring you, I'm sure there are great issues stemming from the divorce, remarriage, etc, but she does need to know that she must at least be cordial and treat you with the same respect that she would treat any adult. I'm anxious to hear what others have to say about this - about how to actually go about getting a 14 yo to change their behavior.
E.
I agree with the other ladies. I think your step-daughter loves your son very much. She may be over-bearing and over-protective, but you may be thankful for that one day. My 9 yr old dtr is very protective and always has been of her 5 year old sister. I even have to remind her(my older dtr)who the mother is bc she tends to boss. But on the same note--I know my youngest daughter is in great hands and out of trouble when they are playing in our backyard and I have to run in the house a minute. Also, take into consideration that your step-dtr doesnt see her little brother but every otehr weekend. I hope this helps.
I think that is completely normal for her to "mother" your son. It sounds like she does it inappropriately.
My 5 year old tells everyone that she has 2 mothers. My self and my 10 year old daughter. She does the same thing, whatever I say, she echoes. It drives me crazy, but I remeber "mothering" my younger sister as well. Even though it drives me crazy, when I am in the room, I am glad for her when they are not with me. She is very protective of her little sister.
That's my two cents, I do not know if it helps.
H.
from one T. to another...
I do not have a step daughter so I am in no position to advise you on that relationship.
I do however have a baby brother (BB) that is almost 10 years younger than I. I'm 40 he is 30 and he will always be my Baby Brother - much to his chagrin!
To this day - if we (my sibs and I) are all home visiting and BB goes to leave the house - my mother and I call out at the same time. "Be Careful. I love you."
How horrible is that?!? =)
Every single picture he is in as a baby/child - I am carrying, holding, dragging or dressing him in it.
All my girlfriends growing up teased him about having two mothers.
And maybe the difference here is that my BB was the third born and your son is your first (or so I assume). My Mom was exhausted by the time BB got there and she really just rolled with the punches when I intruded on her Mommy Space.
Yes, I am a bossy, asertive, directive person. Was then. Am now. My two oldest are just like this with their baby brother. Poor fella. THREE mommies...
But you know what - my brother and I are tight. Really tight. To this day. He calls me just to talk (we live two states away from each other) and ask my opinion on things. If nature plays out as expected, one day you will be gone and brother and sister will only have each other as family. You want them to have that bond.
How to intervene with your stepdaughter and not lose your mind - one technique my husband & I use is to remind each other not to "Tag Team" the kids when we are disciplining them. And by that - we agree that it is unfair for both of us to gang up on them when something is amiss. So maybe you could use that angle with her.
She loves him - that's obvious. Try reminding her it's just not fair to him if everyone is correcting him. He might feel picked on.
And try to be more directive with her interaction with him - Encourage her to read to him. Or ask her to 'show' him how a new toy works. or push him on the swing. Enlist her help every time you can. Anytime you can allow her to feel like she's adding value - that's a plus for BOTH of you.
And make peace with it. She may end up being just like me (sorry) and be mommy #2. It's only because she loves him to pieces! And if that's the worst thing that happens - you've got it made.
Blessings to you and yours!
t
T., I hope I can help a bit.
When I was growing up, I always was "correcting" my younger sister. My mom and dad (and sister) hated it and it took me a while to stop. My parents would tell me to stop, but wouldn't go further than that to discipline me. So, I don't think that this is something that is completely uncommon. Maybe she's excited that finally she has a younger sibling.
About the ignoring you thing. That I can understand on her perspective because I have parents that are divorced and my father remarried. A girl at her age is going through so much the fact that her parents are never going to get back together probably really hurts her. On top of that, you're the woman who's trying to replace her (in her eyes).
Of course I don't know the whole situation, but she really needs to be comforted by her father, and made clear by both of you that you aren't a replacement for her mother and you're not trying to be. I would encourage your husband to make a special effort with his daughter to make sure that she knows how much he really loves her. I was 14 when my father left and it destroyed me and sent me into some bad patterns with boys and it took me 10 years to go through the healing process. A good relationship with her father is going to really help her through this time.
I hope this helps.
Wow. This sounds like my 17 year old. He has done this to his younger brother (12) and now to his little sister (3). It's almost like a knee jerk reaction of his. We have told him time and time again that we are the parents and that his responsibility as a big brother is to look after his siblings when no one else is available at the time. But even this needs to stop short of scolding them for every little thing they do. He has improved a little, but I got to tell you my older brother (we're both in our 40's) to this day tries to tell me what to do and will even correct me in front of my kids! Good luck and try to continue to be patient.
