My Daughter Starting to Call Her Stepmom "Mama"?

She will always know who her Mommy is, not matter what. When my DIL went back to work her pediatrician said baby will always know who her Mommy is. She is with us five days a week but has never wavered. She knows Mommy and Daddy belong to her! She loves being with us and has an incredible bond with Papa and me, YiaYia, but boy her Dada and Mommy are first and foremost.

Your brain has it all figured out, but your heart holds your feelings. This would sting my heart, too, I'm sure. But I'd let your daughter lead on this. Her mouths knows you both as mommy figures, but in her heart, you'll always be the Real Deal.

I'll bet, if you give it time, this will all sort itself out. She'll either start calling her stepmom by another handle, or you'll become confident of your special place in her life. You sound like a great mom; I think Molly's a lucky girl.

i love that you understand that your daughter's not doing this to hurt you, and are so open to her having another woman in her life who loves her.
i too would really struggle with the 'mama' thing.
because your daughter is only 3, the solution needs to be very, very simple. can her stepmom be 'mama ___'?
would your ex and his wife be open to helping out with that?
if not, don't get too upset. there's no way that her *other mama* can replace you. i'm very serious. however much she loves her stepmom, you will never be replaced or forgotten. if her dad and stepmom won't join you, then let it go. be calm and patient and confident. you ARE the mama.
khairete
S.

You know you can't correct her.
How am a 3 year old understand what she's saying is "wrong"?
You know this.
It hurts-I'm sure.
But you're the adult.
Just put your daughters happiness at the top of the list. And you can't go wrong!

It's normal for it to hurt. But no, she won't replace you. Don't worry. You will always be mom.

You're obviously a great mom, you have nothing to worry about. Yes, let it go. It's healthy for her to be able to call her mama.

I am an adult with 1 Mom & 1 Mama ..... My Mom raised me and gave birth to me my Mama is my Dad's Widow (I hate using stepmom). It is all how you approach it with your little girl - yes it may hurt but as I told my Mom I had many mommies (friends' moms) growing up but only 1 MOM. I get called Mommy by my daughter's friends and I look at it as a compliment. My girls call their friends Mom's Mommy/Momma/etc and it makes me feel good that they love my girls enough and my girls love them.

Let it go.
Raising a child is not a competition. You met step mom, like and appreciate her, and appreciate that she is in your daughters life.
No one can take your place, but don't let this scare you-because that could easily lead to trying to compete. Oh mama took you ice skating? How about mommy takes you to kiddy wonderland??

If it upsets you, I think you should talk to your ex-husband about it. Perhaps they can talk to her about what the stepmom should be called. I honestly don't think it's appropriate to call her "mama". As she ages, the "mommy" for you will most likely be replaced by another more mature term. Usually Mom, but in the south we all say Mama.
I think it's more confusing at her age to call you mommy and her mama- it's just too close in pronunciation. People may get confused as to who she is actually referring to in conversation.

I think its ok that she calls her mama its different than mommy. when I was 2.5 my mom married my step dad. my brother was 1.5 and my sister 6 months old. we had my biological dad. and we caller her new husband daddy al. they were married only about 6 years. but he stayed in our lives until the day he died. It didn't take away the fact that we had another dad. it definitly enriched our lives. Let it go. and be glad your ex has a new woman that loves your little one.

your feelings are justified. like you said, it's great that the new stepmom is loving towards your daughter. as your daughter grows, she will know and make the distinction.

She's never going to forget who her real mama is.

Your distress is understandable, but I wouldn't try to stop it. Perhaps when you mention her, you could call her "Mama B (whatever her name is)." It doesn't mean that she's going to call her Mama B, she'll likely still call her Mama when she's there. But it does differentiate you two when she's with you.

I'm glad your ex married someone who loves your daughter. It's certainly better than the alternative.

ETA: Just like young children in daycare environments or blended families have to learn not to call other women "mama", it's okay for your daughter to learn not to call someone else "mama". It should not scar her if it is done gently and early. They don't know what those words mean, anyway...just word association. It's perfectly fine for her to learn to associate a different word with this other woman who loves her.

Of course, you don't have to teach her to say something different, but you also don't HAVE TO just accept this. You don't owe that to anyone. I mean, seriously, if she came home referring to her teacher as "mama", would you correct her or just go along with it? Don't be a martyr. These new relationships bring feelings of discomfort and confusion, and we feel guilty for not having a better handle on those feelings. You don't have to sit on this just to prove that you're strong. It bothers you, and you don't need a reason for it. Just be kind.
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Many will tell you to suck it up and leave it alone. If you are capable of doing that, then you should. Talk it out with someone so you can get it processed and done with. Sometimes it's just not as simple as knowing that you are the mama and letting it go.

If not, then you should think of some other options that might be similar and discuss this with her stepmother. Ask her to think of some options, too. Maybe she'll understand if you explain it like you explained here. Or maybe if you spend more time with her (SM) you might get more comfortable with it.

It might be different if your daughter were 20 years old. You just became her mama, and she's only been calling you that for a couple of years. It's perfectly understandable to want to be the only one for a while to hold that title with her, especially while she's learning to associate and distinguish among titles and terms of endearment and roles. She's not your property, but she IS your project/journey/adventure, and I think that you should get to have a little more say in how people in her bubble are addressed, even if parenting from different homes. I am a stepmother, and I couldn't imagine having my stepchildren calling me mama if their mother didn't like it. Not "mama".

PS. Calling me by my first name alone was not an option, so I let SS come up with something that I could live with.

I know I'm in the minority on this one but as a step-mom and a bio-mom myself, I think it's entirely appropriate to introduce a name that you are all comfortable with that is not the same as your title. If she wants to call her Mama Sue (or whatever her first name is) while you are Mommy or Mama or Mom or whatever, then that's fine. I have known my step-daughter since she was 3 and married her dad when she was 5 (she's now 16). She has always called me by my first name because she has a mother and I'm not her. She hasn't lived with her mother for the past 3+ years and has no contact with her, so I am certainly acting as her mother in all the ways that count, but it would be weird for her to call me "Mom."

When she was younger, her mother got married and had two more kids. She lived with that step-father and by the time she was 3, was calling him "Daddy Jay" and my husband (who was then my boyfriend) was suddenly called "Daddy [firstname]" instead of just "Daddy" and before we knew it, she was calling the other guy "Daddy" and calling my husband by his first name! It took YEARS to break her of that habit because her mother and step-father were reinforcing that at home despite my husband's requests not to do that. Thankfully that guy is out of her life for good now but it was very hurtful for my husband to have his role pushed aside like that.

Anyway...there are lots of terms of endearment besides the name that you go by for your daughter to use for her step-mother. Come up with something that's acceptable to everyone and use it.

As your daughter grows older, you will find that there are much bigger worries than her calling her stepmother mama.

My opinion is it is okay to call Joan by name and let your DD call her mama. Anything else may be confusing to her.

[Joan] will NEVER take your place in your DD's heart. Just keep being you.

Correcting her will certainly confuse her. Don't worry about it. She really does have 2 mom's now. It hurts, I know, but in the long run she loves that woman too. You're mom and will always be mom but she loves her too.

I understand that it hurts you, but your daughter gets some kind of joy or sense of security from it. Her step mother's title should be up to her. And the fact of the matter is this woman will, in some way, be a second mother to her for the rest of her life. Let her embrace her step mom as she sees fit. JMHO

As a step mom it would be nice to be referred to by a caring name instead of by my first name but that's a line which can never be crossed in my world. My stepdaughter's mother would go ballistic. It feels weird to have only 2/3 of my kids call me some version of mom while 1/3 says my name. It creates difference where it's not needed. Also it serves as constant reminder of my being stepmom and my stepdaughter being stepdaughter which serves to create unnecessary walls. Heck, I get called aunt by nieces and nephews I rarely see which creates and fosters our familial bond. Just another perspective... Good luck. I certainly understand your discomfort but encourage you to push through it.

You've already responded with your SWH but I want to add a little to the topic. As a person whose parents divorced when I was 2 and soon afterward obtained a stepmom AND a stepdad, I just want to say that it sounds like your daughter is one lucky little girl! Not only are you crazy about her, but it sounds like her dad and stepmom are pretty crazy about her too. I call my stepmom "mom" and my stepdad "dad" but I am a daddy's girl for sure and will never confuse the important role my dad has in my life. My relationship with my mom is a bit sketchy at times, but through no fault of my stepmom who has loved me as a true daughter my whole life. And I feel lucky to have such loving people in my life to support and care for me. I think in the end, thats what its all about, having loving people around you and it sounds like your daughter is truly blessed in that area.

Does she also call you mama, or does she call you mommy? If she calls you mommy, it could be ok for her to call her stepmom mama, as it is different than what she calls you.

However, you need to decide NOW what you're comfortable with. If you don't want her calling the stepmom mama, you absolutely must change it now. You need to come up with an appropriate name (whether it's her first name or a different term of endearment) and make sure everyone - including dad and stepmom - only call her by the approved name.

Also take into consideration the possibility of her dad and stepmom having kids of their own in the future. Your daughter may feel alienated if she calls the stepmom by her first name and the others call her mommy. For that reason, a term of endearment might be better. Or, a combo, like "Mama Julie" or "mama J"

Anyway, my son's best friend lives 50% of the time with mom and 50% with stepmom and dad. He always calls them both mom. When he was little and first started doing it, the mom said it was ok. However, in reality, she is hurt by it and wishes he called the stepmom something else, but it's too late to change it now. He also has two new little brothers with the dad and stepmom, so it's easy for them all to call her the same thing. The mom recently remarried and he immediately started calling the stepdad "dad." Real dad felt kind of uncomfortable, but knew he had to go with it since the mom has always allowed him to call the stepmom mom too.

I think that as long as she doesn't call you both the same thing it is okay. I have a step mom and for a while when I was younger I called her 'mommy-jess' or 'mama-jess' never just 'mama' or 'mommy', though. I think you would be completely in your rights to ask that your child not call her fathers wife mama, though. its wonderful that your daughters step mother loves her, youre lucky in that sense... but if youre uncomfortable with it I think you should speak up. You are your daughters only mother and I completely understand why you wouldn't want somebody 'stealing your thunder' (I couldn't really think of a better way to say it). Maybe if you just suggest what I did when I was young 'Mama-(insert step-mothers name) so that YOU and only you can be 'mama' 'mommy' 'mom' 'mother' (whatever your daughter chooses to call you) do whatever makes you more comfortable because after-all you are her mother.

At 3, kids become obsessed with everyone that isn't mommy. This is how they start to become independent. but don't worry, as soon as they get hurt, they only want mommy again ;-)

I know you got a lot of answers already, but I thought I'd put my two-cents in because I have lots of perspective! :-) anyway, my parents divorced when I was 3 and I gained a new bonus dad at 4 and when that happened, my mom told my brother and I that if the person acts like a dad and treats you as such, then they deserve the title of dad too. However, when at 7, I gained a bonus mom (I too hate the title step mom/dad because it indicates that they are something less, but they had to be in the thick of it too raising me), my mom must have forgotten that conversation with us because when it came to choosing what we would call her, we chose "mom" again...we were given the opportunity to either call her by her first name, "mom" or choose something else, but we were older by then and understood more than a 3/4 years old obviously. Boy was my mom upset! She asked if we would call her by her first name around her and when I slipped up, she would get this hurt look on her face, so I grew up referring to her as "mom" at home (they had custody of us) and her first name around my bio mom...it was very stressful because I was always afraid I was goingto slip and disappoint my bio mom again...I was a people pleaser especially as a result of the divorce...I did that until I was grown...then I figured why? She's been such an integral part of my life, nearly as much as my own mom, why should I have to freak out each time I'm around my own mom about this that I started referring to her as mom around my bio mom again, though I think after this many years, she isn't as hurt by it, but let me tell you, it still makes my heart race when I'm talking to her about bonus mom (let me add...my bonus mom always stressed that she knew we had a mom and she was never going to replace her but I believe the title of mom helped us grow closer...plus my mom divorced my bonus dad and he's still in my life, still call him dad-which my bio dad always respected my decision to do that...I imagine it stung at first, but he put his feelings away and let us do what we needed as kids...and foremost, I never forgot who was my bio mom and dad in the mix...the titles just brought me closer to each one and reflected how I feel about them...when I talk to other people, I do try to clarify by saying "mom here", "mom in whatever state they were living in at the time...but they were still mom)

I do agree that if you want to try the I'm mommy, she's mama route, that would be perfectly acceptable, but discuss it with the other set of parents because she's so young and they will need to help reinforce it, but do it gentlywhich it sounds like you have lots of compassion for this woman who will now share in the burden in carrying for your daughter :-) you have a great head on your shoulders about the whole thing. I think feeling surprised and stung is a valid feeling...I would likely too.

Another thing is my bonus mom and dad both refer/introduce me as their daughter, not step daughter and that makes me feel amazing inside and accepted and wanted every time they do and my kids are their grandkids!

Okay, another perspective...I'm also a daycare provider and I can't tell you the number of my daycare kids that start off calling me mom (especially if I've been with them since birth) because that's what they hear my kids calling me...it flatters me (yes I correct them, but it still feels good)...and on the flip side, my daughter who just turned 2 took a stint calling me S....Not because she didn't know I was mom, but because she heard her little buddy calling me S....after a month or two (of gentle reminders "you mean mommy?"), She's back to calling me mom (but she also refers to anyone who walks in the door as mom/dad simply because she hears me tell the kids "your daddy/mommy is here!" So to her those are just their names, nothing more)! My daycare kids also know who their real mom is and they jump up so excited to get them at the door, so there is absolutely no confusion there! :-) so feel confident that you will never be forgotten or confused by her titles! You are a great mom in considering your daughter's needs before your own (but also check your emotions and face around your daughter or you may end up with a stressed out people pleaser like me)! :-) Good luck with this all!

Your hurt feelings are totally normal! I would be hurt, too. I think you should talk to your ex and his wife and ask them to help/support you by correcting your daughter the next time she calls her stepmom "mama." I think she should call her by her first name. If her name is Anna, she should call her Anna - not even "stepmom Anna." Just Anna. Hopefully they will agree with you and will help you out. You should also correct your daughter the next time you hear her refer to her as "mama." Good luck!