20 Month Old Behavior

You Daughter is acting compleatly normal for a new walker. Most children when they learn to walk have also just learned they are not part of you. They are an independant person in their own. Also when learning this they have realized others are also. So everyone is acting on there own and just like they can do good they can also do harm to her. As she gets old she will learn to trust others more. Up until now she has relied on you and now she's learning to deal with things more on her own. You will see this coming out more TOWARDS you now too. She will start not only telling others what she thinks but she will start telling you also...lol

Hi K.,

I read your request and thought I would share some of my thoughts, but first let me tell you a little about myself: I am a 36 year old mother of three children 14, 11 and 6, I have experienced many of your same concerns and I have had quite a bit of training in early childhood development when I was a licensed childcare provider.

Your 20month old daughter seems like she is quit independent but is going through what I have seen to be quit normal for her age She now has this ablilty to walk which allows her to make new choices on where she wants to be. Children just like adults have different ways they fit into different social enviroments some are very social some like to observe and take in and some like to take control and lay out the rules of a gathering. At this age I have found that they are trying on different hates to see what makes them feek best and it can change like the wind. I too found it dificult when my third was not a jump in particapate kinda gal like my first child. My third was also clingy in a new enviroment and would be very attached and sometimes whiny the more others tried to pull her in to the group the more she would whiny and cling I was sometimes embrassed by all the fuse. But I have learned that she needed to be close to her comfort zone me and if I just let her be she would eventually come around and sometimes we had to stop an activity because it didn't suit her for that time. Toddlers learn very early that they are learning great new control tactics and I don't mean this in a negative way Adults do this by having the choice on what social activities to part take in by we don't always allow are children the same chose. I would suggest a wait and see mentality and be sure not to make to big of a fuse when she is clingy she is trying to discover who she is and sometimes she is a loaner and sometimes shy is a mommas girl and sometimes she just doesn't want to be there.
I hope this helped in someway even if to give food for thought remember they have their own personality despite what we do.
This is the first request I have responded to soo I would love to here if it was helpful or not.

L.

I would probably agree with your doc, that it is nothing to worry about for now. My first daughter was the same way, although she was that way from the start. To the point that she only cried whenever anyone else held her, even if her dad held her. She would burst into tears and hide when someone even just looked at her! When she got a bit older (toddler), she would be okay at playgrounds, places like that...until too many kids arrived- she would just shut down, cry hysterically and not move. I would have to go and "rescue" her. At age 4 in preschool, her teachers even told me that she was good one-on-one with someone, until more kids joined in the play...then she would back out and go off to their books and look at books alone, at that is where she spent most of her time. She is now in kindergarten, and gradually getting better. She is still quite shy most of the time..but I don't think she freaks out so much around other kids like she did when she was a toddler. When she started kindergarten, that is when I became a bit concerned, as she was having trouble engaging into play with other children on the playground. But she is doing lots better. I think with her age, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just keep socializing, give her opportunities to join in, encourage...but at the same time be there for her comfort when she doesn't feel quite ready.
K.

K.- this is normal behavior for a child this age. As they get older and more aware of their surroundings, they can get clingy and afraid of strangers and groups of people and they look towards their parents for comfort. Kids this age also don't play together, they parallel play, meaning they really each play in their own worlds, sometimes side by side, without much interaction (unless of course a child has a toy they want, then they will not hesitate to grab it). My daughter hit this stage around 20 months, I remember because we were looking at a preschool when she was 18 months and the director didn't think she would have any problems adjusting, well by 24 months she had fits of tears separating. It took until recently when she turned 4 before she could go in without clinging to me, she would freeze when she saw the group of her friends and teachers (and she isn't the only one in her class that was like this)and when I was pregnant she seemed to sense it and her personality changed even more. She is now completely fine. My son, at 16 months, who has always been the social bee, is starting to notice strangers and groups and get shy and clingy. I know that with the increased awareness of autism these days, it is normal to have a heightened concern, but she does okay with her regular playdates. really, my thoughts are that she is just going through a normal phase. But if you don't think your pediatrician is helping you, find someone you feel more comfortable with.

I have 3 children aged 23 months, 5 years, and 10 years. I've found that when they start walking and gain independence, they often become more clingy and fearful for a little while. When they were held more, it was easier to face many challenges. It is ok to still need that closeness and the reassurance that comes with it, even though the other kids seem to be able to join in right away. It can be scary for a small person to enter a group of people. Also, some kids are slower to warm up and aren't ready to be approached and join in as fast as others. There are books and theories about the different temperment styles...

My oldest was clingy, fearful and slow to warm-up. I worried too. She still has these traits in her personality today at 10 years. My 5 year old went through a similar stage, but for her it was simply a stage she grew out of. She eventually became outgoing and very friendly, a real people person. Now, with my 23 month old, I'm seeing him go through a similar stage. This time, I'm able to relax and let him become whom ever he becomes without worrying so much. I hope he becomes less anxious and more outgoing, because I think life will be easier that way. But, I've learned from raising my others that it could be a passing developmental stage or it could be personality. Either way, they need reassurance at this time.

It is hard to watch when you want her to love life and be social and friendly. I still have moments when I struggle and feel sad for my oldest daughter. The best you can do for your daughter is to not get anxious about her while she is anxious. If you are calm and give her space to slowly warm up to people, she'll learn eventually how to do this. You sound like a very caring and devoted mom. Lots of luck!

Hi K.,
I would go with your instincts. You know your child. It would be better to check it out and be safe. You can have your daughter evaulated by an occupational therapist and developmental specialist for free without a referral from a doctor through your state. Check out the WV DHHR website for the "Birth to Three" program. My 2nd son had a speech delay and our pediatrician said that he would pick it up one day. We called the Birth to Three program ourselves and got him evaulated. He is now almost three and is likely to have a disorder in the autism spectrum-- but I know if he didn't get services earlier, he would be far more behind than he is now. My 1st son also went through a clingy stage, but we could tell that with my second son, it was more than just a clingy stage. I think a mother senses these things, especially if they are with them all the time. Let me know if you want more info/names of theapists that have worked wonders on my son.
Best of luck

I have actually heard from people @ my church that this tends to happen around 18 months. they start to get separation anxiety. I would say it's completely normal [my daughter is only 16.5 months & is so sick of seeing me all day long that when she see's other people she leaps out of my arms & runs away; so i haven't hit this stage yet] since more than one mom has told me that she has gone through the same thing around 18 months. If you are really concerned i would just keep watching your child & make sure it doesn't get worse or more drastic with age. Good luck & keep us all posted.

hi K.,

before i was married i was a nanny to a few different families and one of the little boys i watched sounded much like your daughter, though a bit more drastic. he was very intelligent and well natured and for the most part a happy boy but anytime he was taken out of his routine or in an unfamiliar situation he would freak out. he had a hard time with any type of social situation and almost always prefered the company of adults to children. he would much rather watch kids play from a distance than interact himself. eventually, through much prompting from their family the parents persisted with many doctors and he was diagnoised with aspergers, which is a mild form of autism. don't worry, were not talking rainman here, it's just a social disorder. people with aspergers have a hard time with communicating tactfully, they don't read other people's body language well, they have a hard time with eye contact and basic social situations. it can't unfortunetly be cured but can be treated. i would definitely follow your gut and talk to other doctors. my son is only 7 months old and i've changed pediatricians already because i didn't like the way the first one handled things. purse things but don't freak out cause like the other moms have said 2 year olds are clingy and tend to go through seperation anxiety anyway. this could just be a faze. google aspergers and see if it sounds like your daughter though. it's always better to be safe than sorry.

Hi K.,

I noticed the same kind of clingy-ness with both of my kids around 2 years old. They had both always gone to the same day-care and at around that age they both started crying when I dropped them off. For both it was mostly just a phase, but they do take a little while to warm up to people. If you feel more comfortable going to a different pediatrician to check a little more deeply if there may be an underlying issue, you should do that for your own piece of mind, but just know it's a really common thing for kids around that age to almost revert back a little bit to their baby-dom. Good luck!

K.,
Trust your instincts. My son was very similar (we had him also at Little Gym, acted very similar) among other things. He also knew all his ABC's, numbers, shapes, colors, before he was two. When we were concerned about his behavior, we were blown off by the pediatrician, told he was fine. Well, he isn't, he has a language and social delay, possibly on the autistic spectrum. My point is, we trusted our pediatrician instead of our instincts. Please trust your instincts - take her to a developmental pediatrician or psychiatrist. It will give you peace of mind if she is fine, and if she isn't you will have not lost the precious time that we lost by waiting. Pediatricians here are reluctant to be proactive - it just doesn't make sense.
Good luck. I hope she is just a little shy and very bright, and that may be all. But if it is more than that, you need to know now.

Dear K.,

I have a few different feelings here. My daughter was also very independent at that age, and still to this day, at 27, that's a good thing. The 2s are a strange age and kids act diffently all of a sudden and who knows what really is going on inside their little minds and bodies. Keep talking to her about her feelings, etc to keep communcication at a 20 mos old level open and flowing. Don't push her to be who she was. Now, my second feeling is that you should trust you instincts. If you believe something is wrong don't accept the pat answers a Dr. may give. You know your child better than anyone. This may be a phase and most likely it is, but keep your eyes and ears open for anything else that may be bothering your child. There is a fine line between vigilence and over-protecting, but I also beleive, better safe than sorry.

D. W