My daughter will be three at the end of August. She is the middle child - the oldest is 4.5, the youngest is four months - all girls. She is shy, but not just that.
1. she will cling to my leg if we are anywhere there are other children (besides her sister & cousins). Play time at the community center, play groups, pool, restaurant play places, library, play ground. It doesn't matter if there is one kid or twenty. She will run and play with her sister until another kid shows up and then she is next to me.
2. She hates being the center of attention. Birthdays are horrible, even though it is just family at our house. When we try to sing happy birthday, with her being the focus, she cries, tries to run and hide. She has been this way even at her first birthday. I rarely can get pictures of her alone, she cries. But if her sister or we are in them, she is ok most of the time. However, she is in dance and when her recital was in May, she was great on stage, did her whole routine, loved it, etc. The only thing I can see different is that she wasn't alone?? at the dr, if we are there for her, she's crying, clingy, etc. If its for one of her sisters she is happy and chatting up a storm! even if its just her immediate family and we are asking her about a new skill, something she learned, she will not show us and gets upset.
3. She is content to never join into anything. She likes to play by herself. She likes to sit on the sidelines. At play groups, at the pool with us, etc. If no one is actively trying to engage her in an activity (and even sometimes if they are) she sits and watches. Dance class being the only exception.
So far I mostly ignore it all. I will suggest a time or two that she go play, but if she refuses I don't say anything else. I don't make excuses for her (like talking about her being shy or anything) as I know that can make her feel bad. I just let her be the way she wants. But, as I'm getting ready to celebrate her birthday again, I'm dreading her reaction to it. She says she is excited, talks about her birthday, etc. but I know when the time comes she will run and hide/cry. So I don't feel I should cancel it - she will be upset over that. And its very small, just her grandparents, cousins, aunt/uncle (20 people or so) and she loves and knows all of them well.
So I guess my question is, do I continue to just ignore it and hope she outgrows it? Continue to take her to play groups for exposure? Or is there something I can do to help her overcome it and feel more comfortable?
Thanks everyone! I'll continue to just follow her lead. I wasn't inferring that I thought there was anything wrong with her, only wondering how to help her feel more comfortable. I'll ask her what she wants to do for her birthday, if she wants us to sing or not, if she wants to open her gifts or not. She often seems more comfortable if her sister is there with her too, so that is another option. I usually don't want one sister to take the other's spotlight, but in this case it might help to have someone to share it with.
Let her be who she is right now. Skip the "Happy Birthday" song if necessary. It's the gathering that counts anyway. She will outgrow some of it, and some she will retain, but it's just who she is. My niece hid anytime she had to be the center of attention, but you'd never know it now! She's the biggest talker in the room at age 37!
.... sigh....
My daughter, has always been shy. But now at 8 years old she has really blossomed.
On her own.
She KNOWS who she is, is not a follower and has a TON of self-assurance.
We NEVER, treated 'shyness' as a bad thing. We nurtured who SHE was.
That is what you need to do.
I don't know WHY.... being 'shy' is seen as such a negative thing.
My daughter, went by her own cues and feelings and knowing, HERSELF.
We are PROUD of her.
She is HIGHLY.... highly able, to 'analyze' others/friends/social situations/feelings etc. Because, we taught her how and BECAUSE she was/is shy, she has an IMMENSE natural 'radar' about people... because, she is an OBSERVER... and we taught her how to TRUST..... her own instincts.
And to go with her personality. And who SHE is.
My daughter, is now so wise about people. Because, we nurtured her.
Not focusing on her being 'shy.'
We saw it as a STRENGTH.
Not a weakness.
Our daughter is also GOOD at speaking up. Because, that is taught as well.
LOTS of kids, get clingy or shy at certain ages.
So what.
MANY highly successful people are shy too. But they are highly intuitive and successful.
Being gregarious or extroverted, does NOT NOT NOT, make one child better than the other... emotionally or socially.
Not at all.
My daughter has friends. She CHOOSES her friends, WISELY and she is NOT a follower. Because, even if shy, she knows, herself.
That is golden.
My daughter, has a very STRONG sense, of who she is. Ever since she was very very young. Because, we nurtured, her. And her own talents or interests. Never displacing 'our' connotations, upon her.
Respect your child as they are, and per their age-related age phases.
ALL kids and people, change and/or blossom, as they get older.
It is never, a static thing. Ever.
Nurture, your child's emotions and who she is.
A child this age, does NOT even have fully developed 'emotions' yet either.
A child has to be taught... about emotions, their feelings, knowing how they feel and how to express it... and that, they can and are allowed to. To be themselves... NOT about being, who others want them to be.
I really see nothing 'wrong' with you daughter.
Let her be, who she is.
And, nothing is 'wrong' for wanting to play by herself. She is going by her own cues.
My daughter did and does that too. She has NO problem, with that.
She will even say "I don't want to mingle now. I just want to hang out by myself. I'm not in the mood to get all hyper with the other kids."
I am PROUD of her... for knowing that.
all the best,
Susan
Shyness and/or introversion are just the way some people are by nature. It has to do with brain structure. My mom is very outgoing, I am about as introverted as a person can get. She tried to "cure" me throughout my childhood by forcing me into social situations. For me, that was pure hell, and still is. It's just not who I am. If anything, it set me back in my own ability to come to terms with my shyness.
As an adult, and even in high school, I was able to allow more people into my "circle" IF I had control over it. If it was forced on me, I would just close down. But you know what? I love my life, love my solitude, am creative and productive, am curious about and always learning about people, have many intense interests. I have a lot to offer the world, but I can't generally do that in large groups of people. There is nothing wrong with me, but it took me a long time to realize that.
A definition I've heard might help you sort out how to help your daughter prioritize her choices as she gets older: Extroverts gain energy by being around people, and are simply less happy being alone. Introverts lose energy by being around other people, and need time alone to be happy.
With the upcoming party, you might try this experiment. Let your daughter sit on the sidelines during the high-focus part of the party; the singing of the song and blowing out of the candles. Let the guests sing to her chair, or a doll in her chair, or a picture of her on the wall. Ask her if she wants to blow out her own candles, but respect her choice if she says no, or carry the cake into another room where she can do it privately. Bring her gifts to her one at a time while partiers are focused elsewhere. She can go offer a kiss and thanks to each gift-giver at her own speed.
This will NOT cripple her socially. She's only going to be three, and has many years ahead of her to learn social graces. It will just make her more comfortable, and she may actually be able to enjoy her party. It could also give her a fabulous perspective on who she is, how she is valued in the family, and what her capabilities are.
Wishing you all the best!
Next time when her birthday comes around, ask her what she would like to do. Let her be involved in it and she may enjoy it more. Some kids don't like to be the center of attention. The thought of having 'all eyes' on them feels intimidating. I am baffled to learn that when it comes to Dance she's totally into it. That may just be her thing. Do you think something could be bothering her to cause her to be so timid? At her age shyness may be a good thing towards some situations, ie: strangers.....My oldest son was so loving and affectionate that he accepted everyone around him, even strangers. That kind of scared me because he wasn't afraid of strangers. My 24mos old is the total opposite...which is good I think in most cases. I will probably have a hard time socializing him. I would keep trying to expose her socially, but may be it might be best to let her lead the way when it comes to that. Pushing her to do things she doesn't want to, or isn't ready to, may cause her to be even more shy. Seeing you be sociable and confident may help her during this learning stage. Ecouraging her is a great thing. Don't give up on that. Some kids are afraid of failure or disappointing their parents so they are shy when it comes to being center of attention. Just don't give up, but try not to push too hard. :-)
Most of this comes from how I felt when I was little. I was extremely shy, didn't like center of attention and did not even like being called upon in class. I found myself slowly but surely coming out of that as I became an adult and started working. I loved what I did for a career, said hi to anyone that passed me by, and it helped me to come out of my shell. I'm still a bit shy and still don't like center of attention too much. Especially in a big crowd...doesn't matter if the crowd is family or friends. I did better in smaller groups.
I would also talk with a parenting counselor and ask advice on how to slowly build up her confidence. I'm going to also look into that for my boys. I know one way is to have them join sports...that teaches teamwork, and confidence. I hope this helps. Have a great weekend!
As far as her birthday, the simple thing would be to still have the party, just not have everyone sing Happy Birthday to her if it makes her upset. It's funny, but my daughter is very sociable and very outgoing, yet she's never liked the whole everyone-singing-to-her either and she will start crying and want everyone to stop. She'll be turning 4 soon so it will be interesting to see if she reacts the same way this time again. If she gets all shy with everyone over, let her come out when she is ready. Some kids just have that personality - they are slow to warm up and a new kid or a new situation is just overwhelming to them. Eventually she will hopefully outgrow it, especially as her older sis goes off to school and she will need to learn to manage without her. Maybe starting her in preschool this year will help too. My cousins' daughter can be the same way but she is getting better as time goes on - they started her in preschool this past year mid-way through (she turned 3 last November) and she is slowly coming out of her shell as they expect and encourage her to be a little more independent, and she realizes the world won't come to and end if Mommy is not there every second.
You are doing everything right. But with the birthday, I think you should make it less intimidating for her and keep it simple and plain this year. My daughter, now 11, was like this. What was a little different in my situation then yours is that she was a normal, loud, expressive child around us but not in public. She did handle birthdays and being on "stage" pretty well. School always made her do reports and things in front of a class since K. So she got use to that. But she was not as social and chose to be alone and play by herself. I think your doing what you can do. I however made issues about it and brought it too her attention and asked her to go over and beyond the comfort level and you may choose that some day but not at this age. But I would cater her birthday to be something comfortable for her and not make a show of it this year.
i think you should just accept her. expect that she respects your boundaries (no, she doesn't need to be glued to you ALL the time - i would tell her that if she doesn't want to go play with the other kids, she can sit like a big girl next to you, and that's fine, but she doesn't get to hold on to you and keep you from enjoying yourself). but if she chooses not to play that's fine. she will either outgrow it, or she won't...it's okay either way.
I suggest that when she cries and clings that you pick her up and hold her until she's calm. She's frightened and asking for reassurance. Don't force her to interact with others. Let her be who she is at the moment. She will mature and be less clingy once she realizes that she doesn't have to do anything that frightens her.
You sound like you are sensitive to her needs and a great mom. I just got a book at the library I wish I had when my oldest was little. It's called the Highly Sensitive Child. She is just going to be the one who studies situations and people before acting. Wish we were all like that sometimes! I took my son to do tae kwon do when he was 4. It was a new place and he was the only student for a long time. It still took him a year to take off his socks! That guy was the most patient person I will ever know! He would show him moves and they would do them over and over till he got it right, Never, Never told him he did something wrong. It was this relationship that built the kind of trust and confidence that my son needed to realize his true potential. I guess I'm saying this to let you know you are doing the right thing by standing by her and not pushing. You are listening to your gut Mom and doing great!
My son was like this as well. We could never sing happy birthday. He was resistant to change or new situations and very clingy to me. He is 9 now and is still shy, but likes to be around kids, is healthy and thriving. He also got over the happy birthday thing as well. My advice is to continue to expose your daughter to new situations and social interactions and help her with tools to manage these situations. You can role play with her to give her the words to say. She will eventually get more comfortable and want to be around others. It is good she has siblings as well to keep her engaged and to learn from. I was shy and you just have to practice to get more comfortable.
