12 Year Old Daughter with Excuses.

I'm not saying this is your daughter... but here is my story:

I've been a competitive athlete my entire life. I was a gymnast (LOVE gymnastics, still do it today, although only floor stuff... but my events were beam and vault)... but I got too tall to stay competitive (rotation). So I got out about a year or two before my friends did (I only did regionals, they did nationals & olympic trials). Most of them "retired" because of stress fractures in their spines, which I missed out on, yay...but ALL of us have stretched our tendons & ligaments to such a degree that without a LOT of muscle tone holding our bones in place, we will dislocate/sprain our ankles & knees fairly easily. Most of our HIPS eve dislocate (from stretching for splits), and that joint is so strong that the femur usually breaks before it will dislocate from the pelvis. <Laughing>... I hadn't known that, and got into a debate with my anatomy and physiology prof, which culminated in a demonstration, that earned me 5 extra credit points on the spot.

Anyhow... all those stretched out joints = pain. I have to be REALLY careful to remain in very very good shape (no running if at all possible, builds up the wrong muscles, and pulls my kneecaps out from where they "belong", which makes each step feel like an icepick), so that my muscles wrap around my joints enough to keep them from hurting AS MUCH, and or dislocation. Which is not as horrifying as it sounds. While certain injuries are synonymous with certain sports (like all girl gymnasts have stretched tendons, or tennis players have the elbow thing, or football players do the neck/shoulder/spine/knee things, soccer players have hip adductor things, swimmers have decreased bone density, whatever...every sport has a price). Of course, so does NOT being active.

From gymnastics I went into swimming, diving, surfing, horseback riding (GREAT for building protective muscles around the knees, btw), ice skating (terrible for your knees...if you have knee problems don't touch this sport with a 10' pole...can you tell the majority of my problems center on my knees?), & the USMC.

Anyhow, most athletes that I've known, including myself, also have high pain tolerance. We just sort of get used to being in pain (and our 4th ventricals...the part in your brain that distributes endorphins and natural pain killers...gets in real good shape). We ignore pain, because we have something fun to do. But in the quiet, the tedium, or while trying to go to sleep... we hurt. We always hurt, but we notice it in quiet spaces. And if we're sick, tired, bored, or have a few injuries we're ignoring... the pain can get almost unbearable. So staying active is key, but too much...argh. It's a fine line to walk.

When I was younger (read under 25), I didn't really know how to express ANY of that... OR to know to "take a break" after a small injury. Nowadays, if I notice something being "off" I chill out for a few days. As a child, I just kept playing. So small injuries would layer themselves on top of small injuries, over and over and over... until I couldn't ignore them anymore. And by the time I couldn't ignore the pain, I was in bad shape. Really really bad shape. For awhile, the only way I slept at night was with morphine or codeine. For a year in HS, I couldn't even walk up the stairs in my own house. I did a half crawl/gimp/lurch thing. (My pride would make me walk up the stairs at school.. or in public... which further compounded problems with my mom. She thought I was just being "overly dramatic" at home...but the truth was, I was just relaxed and unashamed to let my weaknesses show at home.

Like I said though, I not only didn't know how to express that I was in fairly constant pain that I had learned to ignore, didn't know how to voice that something felt "off" so that it was communicated effectively to my mom, didn't know to take a break, and when forced to take a break, didn't take a long enough one to effectively heal.

My mom got so used to my "convenient" excuses... that when I was 14, I actually walked for 2 weeks on a broken ankle, before finally being taken to the doctor. <laughing> That's a hilarious story... but another time.

It wasn't her fault. NONE of what happened between my mother and I was her fault. It was a perfect storm of events. I wasn't communicating effectively, so she had absolutely no trust in me. She also wasn't an athlete, so she wouldn't understand my gimpy attempts to communicate that while I didn't feel up to going to my expensive lesson, I did feel up to going to the beach, or to a friends, or etc etc etc. I was also going through puberty, with all of those joys. :P Or why I flailed up the stairs at home, or walked about like an old man, but put wiggle in my hips and managed stairs "fine" out in public.

By the time I finished HS, there was no trust left between us. None. Zip, nada, zilch. She didn't believe a word I said, about ANYTHING, and there was no reason for me to respect someone who thought I was lying when I wasn't. I left home at 17, by signing up with the military, with the only relationship I had with my mother being one of regret. My father was simply furious with me, for causing my mom so much pain & grief. Oy. When I say I left home at 17, I should add, I was essentially disowned at the same time.

The happy end to this story, is that today my mom and I are best friends. But I had to leave home for years, in order for that to happen. I had to learn to talk, and to trust myself (hard when your own mom doesn't trust you), and she had to stop feeling guilty. I go to extreme effort to avoid making her feel guilty. Like I said, it wasn't her fault.

That lack of trust you're concerned about, you have a right to be afraid of, it's a BIG issue. It could as easily destroy your relationship with your daughter, as it did mine with my mother. I feel incredibly blessed and lucky that we are as close today as we are, and it was pure dumb luck that things worked out the way they did.

It still kills me though. Because the easy fix would have been communication. But I was 11-17, and my communication skills (and self awareness) sucked. And my mom was handicapped by her disbelief, and lack of understanding brought on by my total inability to communicate. We missed out on YEARS together.

Now, like I said, I'm not saying this is what's going on with your daughter. It's just my story.

R

Sounds like it could be a lot of things, Have you taken her to get testing done? Could it be growing pains. My 14 year went through that. Also, if she was active with gymnastics, her injuries whether big or small can bother her with the climate change.

If it is excuses, she is old enough for you to call her out on them. Ask her to be honest and talk to you. Tell her you have concerns and that you are getting worried. She can be missing her dad and trying to get you "back together: somehow. She is at the age where everything can feel and seem confusing and she doesnt know how to react to her situation. I hope that helped a bit, if not atleast open some different types of thought.

I think I would bring her to the doctor to rule out anything wrong. It could truly be medical. but it could be her wanting her dad and you to be in contact. Just rule out the medical problems...it is important to believe your child whenever possible. All this could be an anxiety thing about school.

Best of luck.

Perhaps, even if the divorce was years ago... now as a "teen" it bothers her, in a different way? I don't know.

Perhaps, have a heart to heart talk with her... just about her. Letting her stream of thought talk about anything, how she feels, what she's feeling, if the Divorce bothers her & how? How is school? How are things with her friends? Any problems with anything academically or socially or just with her as a "teen" going through age-related issues, about her body, about her and her classes etc.

many times, kids just need to talk and 'know' that someone feels for them and 'understands' them, no matter what and even if they are cumbersome.

And as Jan C. said, just take her to the Doctor to rule out anything, anyway.

Then, maybe your daughter's 'complaints' are just a means of releasing 'stress' or things that are bothering her. And even if it is for attention... well given her age, maybe that is the only way she knows how to get some kind of needs met. Maybe ask her 'why' her body aches so much?

Or ask her why it 'seems' she does not want to go to school? If there are problems there, with the Teacher, with peers, with bullying, with mean kids, with friends etc.

See and talk with her, to see IF there is a truly valid reason? For kids, sometimes what is nothing to us, is a big deal to them. I remember being that age and even the smallest thing can be a big mountain of something.

Just be direct and honest & loving/sympathetic with her. That is how you can "approach" her. Because, the intention is to 'help' her right? Not punish her... so let her know... so she feels 'safe' in telling you things. THAT is what you want, in the long run... especially as a teen, that she come to YOU for anything and communicates with you, otherwise you will be out of the loop... and teens won't talk if they feel they can't.

Or, ask your Ex if he has any ideas about this situation? If you are both amicable with each other.

At this age as well, teens need to "bond" with their Parent/Mom in different ways. Its important. Their Mom is important. But if they don't feel able to, they may not say anything.

Just have a heart to heart talk.... not a critique session or lecture session... but just talking. Create a way that you both can open up... even if something is wrong. Perhaps, once a week, you can both have a sit-down time... just to talk and her time to let you know of anything in her life or what she needs or what she is feeling?

If something is medically wrong... then by taking her to the Doctor, at least you can find out.

If the Divorce is affecting her, then perhaps counseling can help? I know a Mom who did that for her kids, when she got divorced. And she said it REALLY helped her kids to adjust and to have "normal" feelings, again. She said it was the best thing she had done for her kids. Because kids don't always say if it bothers them, and they don't always know how to cope.

All the best,
Susan

Hi E.,

You know your daughter best of all. Twelve is an age where she should be able to tell you the truth when pressed. I think you should be direct with her, explain your concerns and ask her outright if she is avoiding school or really has some type of pain. If she says she is really having some trouble healthwise you need to take her seriously.

When I was your daughter's age I developed Juvinile arthritis. Sometimes my complaints were fatigue and joint pain in my knees and ankles. Sometimes I was just so tired I didn't want to go to school. Many relatives thought I was faking for attention. Luckily my mother believed in me. I don't know how I would have gotten through without her.

There is no easy answer. Just be honest with your daughter and ask her to be honest with you.

Good luck.

C.