What to Tell Daughter About Ill Grandfather

Dear H.,

I feel for your situation. I have a 2-year-old son and he's very close to his grandparents. I frequently think about the time when I have to tell him about his grandparents leaving him. Perhaps you already know how to share with your daughter but would like to hear about others' views.

From my side, i'd probably start by sharing with my son the transient nature of life, using flower as an example. How they come to our lives and bring us joy with their beauty and how one day, they will leave us in their physical form but we'll always remember them in our hearts.

Especially if we have taken pictures with them, we can think of them when they are gone by looking at the pictures. Sometimes we'll miss them and tears would come, but after that, we'll remember the good times and there'll be a good feeling in the heart. And we'll be happy that they were in our lives once.

And then you can say that like flowers, people in our lives also come and go. Grandpa is at the end of his life with us now and he may go at any time. We would be sad when he's gone. Tears may come when we are missing him. But then we'll remember him and the good memories together, we'll keep him in our hearts and that would bring us comfort.

And perhaps you can start a photo album with your daugther, putting together photos with your father, since her birth until now, or even with you when you were young. And if your father is able to look at the photos, maybe one day you can share the photos with him together with your daugther. I think he would like that, and both you and your daughter would have a chance to reminisce with him and spend meaningful moments together.

It would also be gratifying for him to hear from you how a good father he has been to you, or those positive moments you remember from the past. And even if he's unconscious, you can still do the same. I believe they can still hear us.

Your children are lucky to have a mum like you! :)

All the best,
Y.

Hi H.,

I think just being honest about the state of his health in a very simplistic way is your best bet. 3 years olds have no experience or context to plug the words "death" or "illness" into, so you really can't prepare her in the whole sense of the word. Just let her know that she is ok no matter what--she will always have the love that he had for her and the love she has for him. It's just one of those things in life, don't worry about protecting her from her feelings--going through things in life is how we learn that we are capable of handling life--even at three. If you try to protect or stifle any of her feelings she will get the message that feelings aren't ok, that she can't handle it or worse, that there's something wrong with her for feeling that way. Hold her when she cries, know it might take a long time for her to grieve but that process is critical to her development. Kudos to you for wanted to be prepared for this--I support you in the love you have for her and the respect you have for the relationship she has with her grandpa. It's ok for her to be worried about you--you are her world. Let her know you are sad and that you are capable of handling sadness. That is the most important thing you can do for your kids is model that you are capable and that you believe they are capable too.

Another thing that can be helpful is to get a book from the library about another child who is losing her grandpa. Books help kids deal with things by seeing how other kids have gone through it. I also used books when we brought little brother home--very helpful.

Good Luck,
E.

I told my son when his grandfather died that he is not in pain anymore and is in a better place. I told him to remember all the times you had with him and kept pictures around. He was 6 years old and my youngest was 1 year old. I also have a different belief system then the norm.

D. P.

I am so sorry to hear about your father. A good friend just lost her step-mother after a long battle with cancer. Her daughter, who is 4, has known that Nana was very sick and that was why she wasn't able to see her in the hospital. They told her in simple terms that Nana was going to die soon and that meant that she wouldn't see her in anymore, but she would be with her in her heart. What you said in your post about your beliefs sounds very similar to what my friends told their little girl. Keep it simple and answer her questions honestly. Your daughter can probably sense that something is wrong and it will help to be honest with her in a way she can understand. I agree that showing her your sadness is healthy - sharing the sadness that both of you feel about losing your dad is healthy. She will learn that loss isn't meant to be experienced alone. You can express to her that you don't want her to worry about the fact that you are sad, because it is normal to feel sad for a while when someone is very sick and after someone dies.

Make it as normal and simple as you can. Most importantly, just be together. I hope you can bring each other peace and healing in the days ahead.

First let me say I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's hard to loose someone. My grandfather passed away in June. He had filled the role of father for me all of my life. At the time my kids were 5 and 3. My son, 3, had an exceptionally close bond with him. All I knew to do was to be honest. We would talk over breakfast, when everything was calm and normal, about Grampa being sick and not going to be alive much longer. I let them ask any question they had and answered it honestly. When they asked what will happen after he died,I told them, "I don't know. I'd like to think he goes somewhere nice where he can watch over us and live healthy like he used to. But the truth is, I don't know. Nobody does." It was hard, but it was the truth. When he did pass, it was quiet and at home. He was surrounded by his family. And my kids were there. I cried and didn't worry about telling my kids that I was sad and that I was going to miss Grampa. My son asked everyone in the house, "Why did Grampa die?" And mostly he heard that Grampa was old and his body was tired.
From time to time he or my daughter will come to me and say they miss Grampa and we cry together. It's not easy, but it's not as hard as it was. And I think that my kids learned that they can ask me hard questions and that I'll answers best I can. I'm sorry that you will have to go through this. You have the strength to get both yourself and you child through this.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You have already received a lot of great advice, so I'll keep it simple. :) Like some other moms have suggested, I think pictures of your father (with or without your daughter in them) are a great way to keep his memory alive. It is something tangible to help keep his memory strong in your daughter's mind, especially at her age. Another thing you might consider (if your father is healthy enough for the experience) is making a clay or plaster hand print of his hand for her to have (or maybe make a blankie out of his favorite shirt?). This may sound a little odd, but I know that my kids really cherish those things they can touch and hold onto that belonged to loved ones they have lost. Even as an adult, my mom made all of us little angels out of my grandpa's ties when he died, and I cherish it and the memories it brings back every time I look at it, hold it, or even smell it (there's a faint hint of the aftershave he used to wear!) In any case, hang in there and know that others are thinking of you during this difficult time.

Sounds like you have some good advise. Maybe start by explaining why she hasn't seen him at the house when you go to visit. Let your daughter know that her grampa has been sick for a long time and that the doctors at the hospital have been trying to help him, but that some people get so sick and are in the hospital for a long time (not like a cold or flu)their body just can't get better, even with medicine and they die. (make sure she knows that not everyone who gets sick will die or that not everyone in a hospital will die - you don't want to make her afraid of a hospital), but that his body was just too worn out and old to be able to work right. I would let her know that you would like it if she could visit him in the hospital because he may never come home from the hospital, but explain why the hospital won't allow her in. Maybe she could draw a picture for him that you can take to the hospital for her instead. You may have to explain that when something dies, like a pet or person, that you can't see them anymore. Maybe tell her that this is what is happening to him and that his body is getting weaker and her may not live much longer, but you will always remember him and the fun things you've done together. Maybe if you know of someone or even yourselves that may have had a pet die, explain that when living things get old they can get very sick and die. All living things die and that if the sickness is bad enough, even doctors can't help anymore, but he won't be in pain anymore, and that can make people sad. And, it's ok to be sad when people or pets we love die and that you may cry too and that it just means that you miss him very much and maybe you could use a hug. And that other people that love him may cry too. Just be honest with her. A friend of mine was in a similar situation with her daugher. She had me watch her daughter while she was at the funeral. She regretted that because her daughter never had the chance to say goodbye. Please take your daughter with you to whatever kind of service you have. That may be her chance for some closure. I also agree that looking for a book at the library may be a good way to explain things or bring up the conversation or may give her questions to ask. It's never an easy subject, but you are doing the right thing by explaining it to her honostly and the best you can.

I am sorry about your father and the hardship you will go through with his passing. Anyway, I would state the facts to your daughter in an age appropriate way. Tell her he is sick and what his illness is (you don't want your 3 year old worried she or you will die the next time you get the flu) and what that soon he will no longer be with you because he will die from his illness. If you have ever had to deal with the death of a pet with your daughter that would maybe help her understand. She should know why you are sad and be allowed to feel sad too. And see that you can work through it. Emotions are healthy even sadness but if kids don't learn how to deal with them when they are young they become unhealthy as adults. If you don't show her it is ok she will think what she is feeling is wrong and feel that something is wrong with these feelings. It is ok to cry in front of and with your kids and then explain what your belief is and how she can deal with this. It is sad that due to her age and his illness she may never see her beloved grandpa again so you must explain that to her also. Hopefully he gets to come home before he passes so she has the chance to say goodbye and she loves him. That is the hardest about loss feeling you didn't get the chance to say goodbye... kids feel that way too. My kids are more upset about not getting to say goodbye to their puppy when she went into the vet for emergency surgery than they are that she died while there. Hope this helps.

H., I am so sorry for what you are going through. I lost my dad this past summer after a long illness. He was the "uber-grandpa" and I miss him being in his grandson's life. I, too, do not believe in god/heaven/hell and neither did my dad, BTW. My son, Race, was 4 1/2 when his grandpa died and I told him that his grandpa's body wore-out and he died. Simple. My mom, my husband and I had many conversations before Dad died as to how we wanted to handle the service and the wake. Race attended the funeral service and spent most of service comforting his grandma, his aunts and me. Gosh, he was so sweet! I'm glad he was there. He did not seem traumatized in any way, shape of form. The whole family was in agreement about Race being there. Over the last few months, Race has asked many questions about his grandpa and I've offered answers that have been simple. Does he "get it"? I'm not sure, but I believe that because the subject is "open" he will eventually come to understand the cycle of life. My dad was a good man, a good father and a good grandpa. I miss him so...

Teach her what you believe when it happens. Tell her honestly that he is sick and explain things. Otherwise it will be too much of a shock. I have a 4 year old son who lost his great grandfather this last August. I am in an alternative religion and told him that great grampa is happy in his own heaven. He accepted that. I still don't think he fully understood but it was something. I was sad and he was worried but that passed. It was easier for us adults because he was so old and at the end he had a series of strokes that left him immobile and speachless. I told my son that he wasn't in pain anymore and that he was happy. If you try to guard your kids too much, it's not a good thing. I hope this helps.

My father died when my DD#1 was 2 YO as well and I was pregnant with DD#2. She was his light and joy and they were very, very close. He was diagnosed with laryngeal cancer before she was even born so she saw him in the hospital quite a bit. We always told our DD#1 that grandpa (she called him "Papaw" because that is what she could say) was sick, or feeling "yuckas." If he was really feeling yuckas he had to go to the hospital to get a little bit better so he could go home. When my dad passed away, we told DD#1 that Papaw was so sick for so long that his body just got so tired. His body became so tired that it had to stop working (just like when she plays really hard, she gets so tired that she comes inside to rest.) But now that Papaw's body stopped working Papaw was free to come and give her kisses every night, instead of us needing to drive the 4 hours to their house (of course, you insert your belief here.) As for when I was sad, before he died I told my daughter (if she asked, which was only once) that I was sad that he was sick and I don't like it when people are sick. After he died I was going to tell her that I was sad because I missed Papaw, but she never questioned why I was sad or crying.

I do have a scrapbook page with pictures of my dad and my DD#1 together. My DD#1 loves to look at it every so often. It's been a little over 4 years now. If she sees a picture of my dad, she knows who he is but now the specific memories of him are gone.

Good luck with this chapter in your life. I know that it can be difficult.
Hope this helps!

H.,

A great book to read is The Next Place I will go. It describes the soul moving on. It does not talk about heaven or God. I love this book and want it read at my funeral. We read this to our son to prepare him for the death of his brother. The words are below, but the illistrations in the book are beyond wonderful.

We started reading the book first, then talking about what happens to a spirit. We explained it was in his heart and he understands that he can still love his brother even though he is not here.

I hope this helps, stay strong. We were astounded that our son grasped the death of his brother more then we did as adults.

The Next Place
By Warren Hanson

The next place that I go
Will be as peaceful and familiar
As a sleepy summer Sunday
And a sweet, untroubled mind.
And yet . . .
It won't be anything like any place I've ever been. . .
Or seen. . . or even dreamed of
In the place I leave behind.
I won't know where I'm going,
And I won't know where I've been
As I tumble through the always
And look back toward the when.
I'll glide beyond the rainbows.
I'll drift above the sky.
I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.
I won't remember getting there.
Somehow I'll just arrive.
But I'll know that I belong there
And will feel much more alive
Than I have ever felt before.
I will be absolutely free of the things that I held onto
That were holding onto me.
The next place that I go
Will be so quiet and so still
That the whispered song of sweet belonging will rise up to fill
The listening sky with joyful silence,
And with unheard harmonies
Of music made by no one playing,
Like a hush upon breeze.
There will be no room for darkness in that place of living light,
Where an ever-dawning morning pushes back the dying night.
The very air will fill with brilliance, as the brightly shining sun
And the moon and half a million stars are married into one.
The next place that I go Won't really be a place at all.
There won't be any seasons --
Winter, summer, spring or fall --
Nor a Monday, Nor a Friday,
Nor December, Nor July.
And the seconds will be standing still. . .
While hours hurry by.
I will not be a boy or girl,
A woman or man.
I'll simply be just, simply, me.
No worse or better than.
My skin will not be dark or light.
I won't be fat or tall.
The body I once lived in
Won't be part of me at all.
I will finally be perfect.
I will be without a flaw.
I will never make one more mistake,
Or break the smallest law.
And the me that was impatient,
Or was angry, or unkind,
Will simply be a memory.
The me I left behind.
I will travel empty-handed.
There is not a single thing
I have collected in my life
That I would ever want to bring Except. . .
The love of those who loved me,
And the warmth of those who cared.
The happiness and memories
And magic that we shared.
Though I will know the joy of solitude. . .
I'll never be alone. I'll be embraced
By all the family and friends I've ever known.
Although I might not see their faces,
All our hearts will beat as one,
And the circle of our spirits
Will shine brighter than the sun.
I will cherish all the friendship I was fortunate to find,
All love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind.
All these good things will go with me.
They will make my spirit glow.
And that light will shine forever In the next place that I go.