"What to Do About Younger Son Putting down Older Son"

I have to say this one is a stickler,i have a 15 year old and he puts down his two 11 year old sisters all the time, he calls them the "b" word and i have taken everything away from him. Like it dousnt stick.but i remember when i was younger my brother and i would fight everyday!!!and we took it to the physical level.and we are best friends now i dont see him like i should(different state) but we made it ok!!! So i keep that in mind when i think of my kids!!

I can sympathize! My oldest daughter is 8 and my middle daughter is 31/2. They have fought constantly since Kylie (middle) was 2, no matter how often I punish them. I do NOT allow the word hate in the house, and have just drilled into their (mostly the oldest) heads that they are sisters and have to stick together. I remind them that they will always have each other and be best friends one day. Try to remind them of the positive things about each other and having one another, and hopefully that will help...good luck:)

Hi D.:
I was raised with 6 other siblings. 4 sisters and 2 brothers.Mom and dad had us all stair-stepped. We were all 2 years apart or less.Yipers! Yeah, they were nuts! I married and had two sons.I loved growing up in a large family, but I also Learned,that it can be absolute madness at times,and I didn't think i was up to the task.: ) We weren't home schooled,mom wasn't that domesticated! lol However,the older kids were given alot of responsibilities. We were asked to help entertain the younger ones and help tend to some of their care. From my experience,I learned that spending each and everyday with your siblings, can truely get on your nerves.I compare it to the possible situation where you'd be forced to work 24/7 with your spouse. Ohhh I'm sure there are some, that could cope with that.However,the Majority,would go crazy!I see that you give them plenty to do, to keep their social skills up.You obviously know, how vital that is for their healthy developement.I know, as a mother, I relied on my sons to help keep each other preocupied,or entertained,while I tended to regular household chores.Its important for the boys to have a close relationship.I truely believe, that when they spend,pretty much 24/7 together, that they are going to get irritated with each other and tire of playing the same ole song. My question here,is do either of the boys spend any time away with friends their age?If they do, is it enough? I don't think the little one really is saying...."I hate you" as much as hes saying" "I hate being with you" It sounds like he could use some time apart from his brother.I'm not condoning his behaviour,but each time he is reprimanded or punished,for being outspoken, is cause to resent being with him more. At five, he has a real problem in trying to express what his true feelings are. He doesn't know the proper words to use,he merely knows he feels agitated.I wish you the very best D.. J.

I have the same problem, but mine is reversed. My 16 yr old tells my 11 year old that she hates her and calls her mean names. I have spoken to my 16 year old several times and it never worked. So I had a long talk with my 11 yr old and explained to her "that what her sister was telling her was not true. That we all loved her and we were glad that she was part of our family. I told her that her sister was going thru phases and that not to let what she said bother her. Try to ignore her and don't let it get to you. You know we love you and she'll eventually come around." I felt that I really couldn't change my older daughter's behavior but that I could do something about the way the comments made my younger daughter feel. Eventually after ignoring her for some time she stopped and has found other ways to torture her younger sister.

My girls are 8 and 10 and often they torment eachother and as much as I don't allow them to be mean to eachother, the usual punishments and lectures don't work that well, especially when the fighting has really escalated. The other day I solved it by separating them and (calmly)telling them they had 1 hour to write a list of 15 things they love about the other. If they didn't complete the list, they were threatened with losing all of their allowance for the month. I told them it had to be a list to my liking, not just I love her nose, toes, eyes, etc. Much to my delight, they both came up with lists so touching both my husband and I teared up when we read them. I made them read thier lists to eachother and hug and make up. They REALLY calmed down from this one and I have to say, they have been extra nice to eachother since this happened about 4 days ago. I told them that the next time they get into one of these horrendous fights, the list will jump to 20 things! I do have to say that I can't take credit for this great idea. We went to a party last month where 2 little girls lived, and their lists were posted on their bedroom doors, so that's where I got the idea! Try it. It was a beautiful thing :)

I would try using the approach that he is being hurtful to not only his brother but to his other sibling (s) and especially to you and his Dad. Family, while we can and do get angry with each other, must stick together and be a strong unit...together. Somehow putting that into terms that a 5 year old can understand, perhaps will make him feel more compassionate towards what he is saying towards his brother and other people.
He also may be acting out because he feels his brother is getting more attention than he is. Perhaps you can schedule an activity both seperately and one together that they both enjoy doing together! Good luck....

P.S. My girlfriend had a daughter who behaved similarly with her younger brother. She made her daughter sit down and write a list of all the things that she liked to do with her brother and why she loved him.

Hi Diana, Does your 8 year old antaganize his little brother? I'm asking becasue alot of older siblings do. I would teach your 5 year old that hate in your house is a bad word, and we don't use this word, and the same time I would use some referse phycoligy by every time your 5 year old says i hate you,have your 8 year old say say tht's OK but I love you, and have him walk away. see by time outs which are a joke in my opinionm or loss a privileges, that will just make him blame his brother for him getting in trouble. Try it for a week, and se what happens, but make sure that the 8 year old is not antaganizing the 5 year old. There has to be a reason why he is lashing out at his brother, so watch their playtime, and sort and see if you can find out where this is coming from. J.

ask your younger son why he hates his older brother. If he says, "I don't know." Then ask him why he says that if he doesn't know. Tell him it's not acceptable to say "I hate you" to anyone esp. family members. Be firm and tell your son you DO NOT want to hear that from him again. If he gives a reason, check out to see if it's legitimate. Then go from there.

My boys know they are not to put each other down no matter what because I re-enforce it. Whenever I hear one son putting another one down, I nip it at the butt. I tell them it's not acceptable in this house/family.

Good luck.

Have you asked him why he's saying it? I'd keep a close watch and make sure the older one is not provoking the younger one, because if he is, the younger one has every right to feel that way and needs to be taught how to better make his needs and feelings known. I'd also ask the older one why he thinks the younger is saying it, and how he feels about it. Barring that,sounds like good old sibling rivalry, and mom attention seeing!

If you're responding every time, it's possible that he's saying it get get a response from you. If I were you'd I'd tell your older son that you're going to do an experiment, that you're going to completely ignore it each time the 5 year old say's it. At the same time I'd try spending some time just with the 5 year old, letting him choose the activity - park, going for ice cream etc. I'd also consider sending him to therapy - clerly he meeds to express his feelings more appropriatly. Good luc.

I think you should first recognize why your younger son is putting him down... then realize that he has been on this planet for 60 months and things like an older brother getting everything first can make him feel left out. He is doing it for attention. I think if you try a different approach: Don't get too involved. Let them work it out a little. Sibling rivalry happens most when we moms try to stop it! When they aren't fighting... Spend time with your 5 year old if you can on a one on one basis and be engaged with him (actively participate in what he is doing) You will see him act up much less. He is doing it for your attention and it is very common. Think about it, when he mistreats his brother, you wrap yourself around changing him... he is getting attention and he that's what he wants. In the meantime, if your older child is being hurt by the younger one, IGNORE the little guy and reassure your 8 year old with love and kindness. This will stop your pattern of giving your 5 year old attention (even if it is negative attention) for acting up.
I suggest taking one day a week to have an activity just for your 5 year old and you... he is at an age where he still feels like he's your baby (yet he is not) and a little one on one time might make him chill out!

OK I already know I am going to get the hate mail about this one, but you know hate leaves a nasty taste in anybodys mouth, so being that you have tried the loving way to tell him its not nice, I would march his little behind in the bathroom and soap it his mouth. then tell him this is how your brother taste the hate you tell him about. Sorry but enough is enough.

I have the same problem - at times - with my twin boys. The "younger" of the two does always seem to be competing for attention with his brother. This can be a very negative expression of your child's need for attention - especially if you're homeschooling and he doesn't have a chance to "get away" from his older brother during a normal school day and develop his own set of friends/etc. I definitely try to remain positive - although at times they set me at my wit's end! Try to catch your littlest one doing something that is great - over the top - compliments regarding manners or using words - being positive towards older brother, etc. - then praise him up one side and down the other in front of his older siblings. It will definitely set the tone for his attitude and will possibly get his older sibs to look at him differently, too. I know when my youngest gets all the discipline for his behavior (sassing or fighting with my other son) that his older brother looks at him differently and starts tattling, egging him on, etc. to get him in more trouble. It can be a difficult balancing act - and dynamics between boys is much different then boy/girl or girl/girl dynamics as I am sure you know.
I hope this helps - good luck with your budding sibling rivalry!
A.

First think about when this all started. Then ask your 8 year old if he knows what could have happen to cause this action from his younger brother.(ask your daughter too, maybe she might have an idea) If you can't figure it out then you need to sit him down and tell him the rules about the way he talks to other people. That if he does not follow those rules then he will be punished. How ever you punish is up to you but i have found that taking away privaliges works great for that age. Make him stay home when the rest of them are out playing and interacting. It will be no ones fault but his for not listening to the rules.
We are never allowed to use the word hate in our home but i do allow them to say i don't like...
Good luck to you and your family. Boys are so strong willed. They sure are a tough nut to crack.
Take care
B.

Hi D.,
Maybe you should try talking to your youngest son about why he's feeling so angry towards his brother. Also talk to him about how this makes everyone feel, maybe he doesn't really understand what his words mean.
Teach him other methods of getting out his aggression, such as hitting a pillow and yelling, until he doesn't feel angry anymore. Or drawing pictures to get out his anger. Let him know that there will be consequences to his actions. If he doesn't deal with things the proper way then consequences will be .......(whatever you decide).
You may also want to ask your older son if he has any ideas why his little brother is behaving this way.
Good luck I know it's frustrating!
S. G.

Put-downs are unacceptable. I tolerate a lot of things, put-downs are not one of them. You need to read your son the riot act every time he says anything negative toward his brother followed by saying nice things to him. I would also watch your older son carefully and watch for signs that provoke your younger son.

Gotta run, kids are fighting....

D.,
I have 2 children as well. My son is 4 yrs. older than my daughter and he went through this as well. They are now 18 and 14 and things are getting better. One suggestion that I heard a little to late for me to try was..... Find a piece of wood and every time your son says something mean have them pound a nail in the board. This represents a whole in that persons spirit every time they say something mean. They cannot fill that whole with anything, even kind words. I thought that this was a great idea and hope it helps.

Tell your older son that he realy does love him. but he tells him he haes him because he wants to be just like him. I think your younger son is jelious of his older brother.

I would not want my child to say he hates his sibling either. But I would recommend trying to understand why he is saying that. What is the dynamic between the two boys that the younger one is saying it. How can you heal your family dynamic? When you can address this issue, hopefully the hurtful words will stop. If you don't feel skilled in addressing this dynamic, then family counseling can be very helpful with this process.
R.

Hi D., Ah, those youngest children can be quite aggressive. My daughter was 4 years younger than her brother and she was always the one to get in trouble for physical attacks. I guess it's hard when you can't really compete with everyone else. They often feel like they live in the shadow of the other kids. We did a dinner ritural where each person had to say something "nice" about each person. It was very funny to watch them come up with something good to say when they were so used to critisizing. I can remember them telling each other things like "You have very nice teeth." Humor was what made this work for us, that and everyone had an equal chance to compete in this contest. Good luck to you.

start taking away electronic stuff, one at a time so he gets the idea of 'consequences' Start teaching love and Jesus, and where Hate takes us.