Re: What to Do? - Casa Grande,AZ

Do you spend time with the girls together? I learned from my Mother, who had a total of 8,when she would invite me to join her in tending to my younger siblings. I was eldest daughter with 3 younger brothers and 3 younger sisters. My mother had no time for individual attention so we did lots of stuff together. She never made it my job to take care of the younger ones until I was older and would make all the sack lunches for school and other things, but because I started out with just being invited, I just assumed a lot of responsibility as I got older. And you want to know something? I never resented it. I felt that my Mom and I were partners in the caring of the younger ones. My mother gave her all to motherhood and it was plain to see. I was really proud when we would go into the store and the children would all behave so well. On week-ends we would make fudge together...as the younger children got older they joined in...we are very close and to this day, if one of my siblings need something, there are 5 siblings remaining that will be there for them. The two brothers that we lost are missed terribly and well thought of. We were the "Johnson Team"!! Hope this is some help to you. I have raised 3 sons of my own and did it Mom's way...and it is still working with them. Good luck! These days raising children are more of a challenge than ever before and we all need to help out when we can.
Phyllis Hughes

My 5-year-old daughter has a bit of rivalry with her twin brother and she can often act out in a bid for attention. What I'm finding regarding giving her special attention is that extra time at bedtime is even more valuable than a special outing. I lay in bed with her in the dark and THAT is when she tells me the most amazing things. There can be little ways to give that extra attention, that extra listening time.

Maybe there is somthing going on at school that you don't know about. Check with her teachers and ask her. There are a couple of great books: Beyond Sibling Rivalry and Five Love Languages of Children. These are great books. Try spending the 20 minutes a day with her. It doesn't have to cost anything and let her lead. Do whatever she wants to do and don't ask anything. She will open up to you if somthing is going on. I hope these suggestions help. It is hard to see your children not getting along.

There is a wonderful book that has been around awhile, but is still a great resource for parents with children. "Sibling Rivalry" by two women who also wrote "How to Talk to Kids so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk." Both are wonderful books, Invaluable! At the moment I cant remember the author's names....one is Elaine Mazlish (spelling might be wrong).

I take a different approach; my 7yr old & 3 yr old fight as well. If you let them know that it hurts you when they hurt their sibling, it takes on a different tone. "Mommy loves you AND Benjamin, and it hurts me to see you treat him so badly! I wouldn't want him to do that to you either . . ." or, for the boy, "NO! We don't hurt our Abigail!" Most children are anxious to please, and will take you into consideration - usually after the fact. Also, "She is your sister, and the only one you have, you need to take care of her."
I want my kids to be raised with the idea that they are responsible for taking care of each other. In adult terms, I'm told that it's like asking you and me to take care of an additional wife (or wives) in the house - who takes our stuff, and the attention of our spouse. Somehow, it's easier to relate to that idea, to gain some sympathy for what they are feeling. "That wasn't very nice of your brother/sister, was it. I'm sorry. He'll be your friend again another day . . ."

Do my kids get along perfectly? Nope, but I praise, praise, praise them when they do. My daughter reads to her brother, helps pick out his close, or puts his seatbelt on. It helps her to take care of him in ways that he can't take care of himself. And when she's snippy at him, she knows the end of the sentence before I begin it, "He's your brother! You need to take care of him! He will take care of you when he's older. . ."

Hi S.,

My name is F.. I am a mother of one (6 months old) and have been a nanny for 9 years. I teach parenting classes, and one thing that I always recommend, which would be a FREE solution for you, is to have three things that happen consistently every day.

Every time I was a nanny I always had 3 girls. Often their ages were as many as 6 or 8 years apart, and the kids needed very different things from me.

I would have different nicknames for each, like Brianna Bear or Athena Joy, and I would greet them in the morning very differently. I would have silly kisses that were my special kiss for each of them: a sticky kiss (where I had to fake to make an effort to get my lips off of Harmony's face or a blow kiss where I would blow air on Lauren's lips.

The idea of having three different things for each child that are a ritual every day lets them know that nomatter what happens at any other time (frustration, punishment, etc) that I still adore them. It also makes each child feel like they own that moment.

At night I would do a ritual with all my girls, and we would sing the same songs in the same order every night starting with songs with a bunch of energy and getting all the silly energy out, and ending with songs that were sweet and slow.

Then as I put each one in their own bed I would say good night to each with a special rhyme that was only theirs.

I really hope this helps. I know that the dynamic is tough, and especially with girls who feel everything to the enth degree.

F.

Sorry you are having problems. I would suggest spending time with the 7 year old. Go out to eat, shop, or just walk around, just you two. Sometimes the younger ones get more att. and the old gets upset about it. While out talk to her about that you love her and understand that it is hard to be an older sister. And thank her for any help she gives. Touch base on the way she has been acting, and tell her you know she is not like that. Agree to have time alone with her, but only if she helps you. Remind her how hard it was to be her sisters age. Good luck!!!

Have you ever had a chance to look through the book "Siblings Without Rivalry"? It has been a fabulous resource of very dead-on, practical advice on how to nurture sibling relationships.

Hey S.!
My suggestion would be do up the romantic time away with your husband, leaving the girls with a fun babysitter. When you are away, you're having some special bonding time with your sweetie and your girls are having fun together with someone different! Then they have fun things that they did with each other while you were away. Maybe you could leave them with a special movie and find a coupon for a pizza to be called in. You could tell them that they get to have a sisters night! Just a thought....

I just gave birth to my second daughter. They are only 2.5 years apart. My pediatrician told me that every child wants to be an only child. Why would any child want to share their parents that they have had exclusively for 2 years or in your case 4 years. He said that doing things with each child individually on a weekly basis is very important. Mom and Dad. Even if it is just going to the park orplaying in the backyard without sibling....or a walk around the block to talk. It is very important to keep them as individuals and not to force them to be friends. With increased individuality and seperate lives they will become close and friends. Forcing them to always be a team will create jealousy. I don't mean that there isn't family time try to keep them feeling "SPECIAL" . He also said that one thing that can create jealousy is bringing the younger child to functions for the older child.....like a sport the older one is playing. What happens is that while the older child is playing and hoping the parents are focusing on him the younger child is acting up and getting all the attention from them.I think what he was saying was very helpful to us and will be good for our future. Hope this helps

I have a similar situation with my girls, but they're twins. However, I have 22 nieces and nephews! In watching how my siblings handle they're kids, I would have to say that sitting down with your eldest and having a heart-to-heart with her might help. She's at an age now that she can more than likely understand what it's like to be 3, and how much more needy a child of that age is. If she's the type that likes to be helpful, maybe you can give her 'responsibilities' that make her feel important. Things that her 3 year old sister couldn't possibly do. I hope that helps a little! GL!

How bout a dress up date for tea with the 2 of them?
You could use special dishes or the children's play-time dishes.
Have the girls and you dress up in "fancy" clothes and practice good manners while having tea & cookies. You could even have them help you make cookies or tiny sandwiches too.
This will give you time to spend with them talking & listening and on their level.
Plus this will show them that they can both have fun with eachother and with you!
Some of the best memories my sister & I have when we were children is when our Mom would get down on the floor and play with the both of us. I think it gave us great examples of how we can play together and enjoy eachother's company when we played alone w/out her.
Set the table and have fun!
Oh, and did I mention books?!?!? Read together too!
Or nature walks??? Have them grab a lunch bag and gather things that remind them of spring/summer/winter/fall. Or you can pick a specific color/theme. Then go home and have them make a collage of their findings.
There are lots more ideas I could share...but there are a few.
Have fun!
~D.

7 yrs olds are very much into looking for ways to "grow up" They want to help and do what mommy does. One idea is give your oldest daughter a full manicure treatment by you and teach her to apply lotion daily on her legs/feet hands and elbows. They like the pretty smelly stuff mommy uses. If your 3yr want so polish too, quickly dab some color on. They will both know you love them, but your oldest will know she's special.

Also have her do "big stuff" around the house. Folding Towels, teach her how to fill the dishwasher. Make her fill important through serving her mother and family. She's not a little, little girl any more.

I think the best tool you can offer your 7yr old daughter is to teach her little sister. Encourage your 7yr old to be the big sister. When your 3yr old takes her naps, bake or read with you 7yr old. I have two girls, 8 and 3, and bring out pictures of my 8yr old and show her how she was just like her baby sister and soon her little sister will grow up to be her age. I would tell her how lucky they are to have each other to learn together. When they are apart, I can see how my older daughter is patient with younger kids and my younger daughter is excited about helping younger kids, I can see how they acquired this from their sister relationship.

have you tried doing things "together as a family" rather than so much individually? if they start having a good time with each other within a group situation (of which you're in control of) it will help strengthen their relationship to one another. just make sure that keeping them separate all the time does not backfire and they think of themselves as two entities within the family rather than 2 sisters sharing life together, does that make sense? they need to realize they are not only individuals, but part of something bigger, a group in which they both belong.
the age difference is very noticeable now, but encourage the older sister than soon they will become best friends. if you have a sister and have a good relationship with her you may show them by example of how much you mean to one another.
my kids are 19, 18 and 12, and i remind them ocassionally that when "dad and i are gone" they will have each other for support and that nothing/no one is closer than a sibling.

I've read the others' advice and don't see the solution there. But, not being a degreed expert, mine may not be it either. Your 7 year old is resentful because your 3 year old needs more attention. Talk to her and explain that as the big sister, you are giving her the responsibility of helping to make sure her little sis is safe and well taken care of. Make her feel useful when it comes to her sibling instead of using time separation which will breed more resentment. Empower the 7 year old to take some of the responsibility for the needs of the 3 year old. The fun things, like checking on her to see if she is sleeping at nap time, being the one to tell little sis it's time to pick up the toys, etc. Make her responsible for "mentoring" her little sister without making her resentful for having to do too much and then she is the one paying some attention to the baby and not you all of the time. Just tell her you need her help and can't do it without her and I guaranteed her feelings and attitude toward the little one will change almost over night.

Hope this helps! :-)