What Is Reasonable Behavior for a 18Mo Old?

I have had the same problem with my MIL for years. Her expectations is way out of line for babies and young toddlers. She wants to sit back and relax with a glass of wine while my twin babies sit quietly like proper children; and she wants to buy novelty gifts that they can't really play with - the idea being that the doll would be put up on a shelf where it can't be reached just for the child to look at - which of course we don't have one of those shelves. At least she did not expect for the gift to be in reach of the childrent. Finally I told her, very calmly and respectfully, that in our house she should expect that anything she buys for the children will be played with by the children, and she should just not buy anything that she could not stand for the children to play with. We have moved on from that and it has worked out fine.

I think you're right. I have a 20 mos. old that knows the word "no" but she still has her limits and she would definately try to play with it. Just stick to your guns with your mom. Maybe tell her that she is welcome to bring it but it can only be put together after your daughter is in bed and must be put back up before she gets up in the morning. This might stop her from bringing it. It is your house, you set the rules. I have a hard time remembering that with my mom and mother-in-law at times though! I understand!

My opinion and I could be totally off, but I don't think that you should be questioning your daughter's behavior. I think that since she is coming to YOUR home you have every right to tell her not to bring it.
About the "when I was a kid/parent thing", we all hear it from our parents. I hear so much of that from my dad and I let it go in one ear and out the other!!! He tells me I give too much attention to my kids! I am a single mom with 2 little ones so you better believe that they are going to get all my attention to make up for an absent father!!!
Good luck and you are 100% right on your feelings about this!!
Merry Christmas!!
S.

I would have to agree with everyone, i know my 15 1/2mth old wouldnt leave it alone, even though, he doesnt touch the tree, or an of the ornaments. I wouldnt even be sure if my 3 1/2 yr old would leave it alone (seeing how he is "into" trains right now). Just like you said "looks like a toy, sounds like a toy, looks like a toy", and in their minds it is a toy. I would have to tell my mom to leave it at home or to go in halfs on a baby gate that could "gaurd it" while it was around the tree, why would you want to make unnecessary fighting with your daughter, when you know from the beginning it could have been avoided. Are there ganna be any other small kids there (i know all my nephews and my kids are all around the same age), it might be a bigger fight then just your daughter. Hope everything goes ok and you and your mom can work past this, just remind her its just a train and you could always put it up next year.

I would guage it by how your daughter acts with the tree. Assuming that you have your tree up alread, has she broken any ornaments? Does she try to play with the tree, touch it, etc.? Did you have to leave the bottom half of your tree bare in order to keep your daughter from breaking ornaments? If the train is under the tree, your daughter might understand that the train is part of the tree and not to be touched. But, if your daughter just can't resist that tree, then it's going to be the same with the train.
I guess you just have to decide who you want to fight with---your daughter or your mom! As for the "moms today" thing, "old" moms didn't properly secure their babies in car seats all the time, so who's to say which generation is the better parent? =)

I do think it's a bit unfair to an 18 month old to tell them that a train, which as you said "looks like a toy, sounds like a toy, acts like a toy, etc." is off limits. Now, I do think it's possible to tell your daughter that it isn't her toy and that she can't play with it, but it just isn't a battle that probably needs to be fought with extra people in the house when your daughter is excited anyway and out of her element just a bit.

The only way I can see to appease your mother, if that is what you want to do, is to put the train in a separate room and close the door or put it in an area that you can block off with a baby gate. If your mom doesn't get that, then I would tell her to leave it at home. If she truly doesn't want it to get broken, then she shouldn't bring it because we all know that you can tell a toddler not to touch something, but that doesn't mean they will listen 100% of the time. And, all it takes is once for something to happen to it.

Best of luck! Oh, and just ignore all of those "young parents these days" comments. She is just trying to push your buttons. If you let her, she will keep them up. If you ignore her, she may just stop since she isn't getting to you. :-)

Hi C.,

You've gotten some good advice from these ladies. I would offer that there might be a way to discuss this with your Mom, explaining your concerns and asking her what some alternatives might be to putting the train out around the tree for the whole visit (there are many options, you know). If she helps you brainstorm, you might decide together that Mom will leave it at home, put it up for a brief while for all to enjoy, or put it in a location that can be closed off from your daughter, allowing folks to "visit" the train set.

At 18 months, your daughter is still a bit young to respect a limit that involves such an exciting thing as a beautiful train set. Some other arrangement will help the visit be more peaceful.

It is wonderful to have extended family in for visits. As a hostess, you want to be as peaceful as possible in the midst of all the activity. Teaming up with your mother to solve this, if successful, will show her you respect her ideas and are able to resolve issues in your role as an adult daughter.

Let me know how it goes!

J. B.
Parent Coach

If you let your mother know that you would prefer for her to not have the train and she brings it anyway...any their is damage you should NOT be held responsible. I do understand that it looks like a toy, but at the same time if Mommy and Daddy explain that this is not a toy to be played with then the little one should not touch the toy. In our house we really try to explain everything to our 17 month old. When we put up the Christmas tree we explained that the "pretty tree is to be looked at" She hasn't touched it once. I think our kids understand more than we give credit for. However, if your mother still brings the train after you asked her not to and your little one's curiosity gets the best (which it may...my little one may not listen if it's something that moves like a train does) then it's kind of an "I told you so" situation.

Why would your mom push to bring something she knows will possibly start a struggle with your daughter. Why not just leave it at home so everyone can have a peaceful time? Pick your battles, right? Yes, she may have the ability to comprehend that it's off limits, but Christmas time with the family isn't really the right time to introduce that lesson. Not when it could be easily avoided.

Also, as someone else said, it is your home. If need be, put your foot down and tell your mom no. Let her know that you simply want everyone, including and especially your daughter, to be able to enjoy the holiday without any unnecessary fuss.

I think the behavior you should worry about is your Mother's for assuming young parents don't know how to raise children. Wasn't she a young mother at one point???
To me she is coming to your house and she should respect your wishing is not bring the train. My 9y/o would have a tough time keep his hands off a "Train" that does have the toy feel.
Also what about times when you'll will be opening present and eating. Your DD is going to be too tempted to go check it out. And you know the more you tell her not to, she want to more....
Good Luck.

Yes, I am with everyone else. I am a little confused as to why this train is such a big deal to your mom. Is is some kind of family heirloom or tradition that is extremely important to her? Maybe she is upset that you are (in her opinion) ignoring or devaluing the family tradition? If it is, I can see that it might be of huge sentimental value. If so, can she perhaps just bring a part of it that would fit on a table... some way to compromise? Or if she wants to be 100% in charge of constantly guarding the train, then let her bring it. Try to tell your daughter "no", but if it becomes a problem and your mom isn't doing her job in keeping them separated without your daughter getting upset then it's time to pick it up. It does all come down to one thing though - it is YOUR house. If you just plain don't want it there, then put your foot down and say NO! For perspective, my 2 year old is wonderful with the tree, he never touches it. However, I know for sure that if I had a train under it, there is no way on earth he would leave it alone, and would get very upset if someone was trying to stop him playing with it. If I was in your situation, I would say no!

Hi C.,
Well, your Mom is right in the fact that children need to learn boundaries,however whether an 18 mo old can grasp this concept is certainly a question. I suppose if your Mom insists on bringing the train, then she will have to reap the consequences that it may get broken. You DID warn her. Just tell your daughter,"no, not for touch. just look. look and hear the pretty train."...and if it doesn't work, so be it.
No need to scold or punish the child for wanting to play with something that clearly looks like a toy. That would be like me eating that horrible EXTRA spicy jalepeno last night that I swore looked like bell pepper!! I was practically dying right there in the middle of the restaurant. I had to gulp down a glass of milk! The cook came out to apologize and inform me that the jalepeno was there for garnish, not for eating. Is he kidding?! Who does that??!?