Unusuall Behavior

I read through some of the posts and agree with Marda--keeping things as separate as possible can really help. Some practical tactics: sitting in between the boys as you read books they both enjoy; giving your son 'special' space when the other child comes over (this is the time to debut some fresh playdoh at the table while the little one plays on the floor); setting up the pack-n-play in a corner of the room for when you need to be out of the room for a minute (Put the older one in, or the the younger and take the older with you...it's amazing how they can throw lots of stuff in); use the Pack-n-play as a playspace when you can see that it's a critical time when space is needed--Have a special toy(s) that is 'only' used in there.

I understand from similar experiences that this is growth for everyone. Not pleasant, but completely 'normal'.

I also noticed several questions from posters which suggested that the children's needs were atypical in some way. Please know that there is nothing wrong with your son for wanting hugs--many kids communicate in that way and love physical touch. Nor is there anything unusual about the child you are providing care for. As a nanny, I've seen all sorts of kids and this doesn't sound like "danger" or "Needs intervention" on either side. It is always difficult to provide care for two such little ones who are so close in age, and even more so when they appear to have different goals.

I hope you can find some happier middle ground--it's going to be much easier come springtime when we can go outside and rediscover all the potential for space and play that being out of doors has to offer.

Both your son are acting in a normal and to be expected way. I would not intervene except to separate the two. The little guy "fighting" back is a natural consequence to your son invading his space. Given a chance your son will learn to leave him alone. This is a good time for your son to learn natural consequences of what he does. Even when he's acting from a loving space he still will have consequences if he's invading the other person's space.

I would look at why your son wants so much hugging. He does want to play and the 18 month old is not old enough for the kind of play your son wants. First I would be sure to be careful to not set the scene for interactive play. For example I would put separate toys several feet distant from each other. If possible you could even put them in different rooms just as long as you can supervise them both at the same time.

This means that when you are playing with both of them that you are sitting in between them so it's obvious that you don't expect them to interact with each other. Each interacts with you.

I would also plan to spend time playing with just your son while the little one plays nearby but far enough away that he's less apt to want to play too.

I suggest that the two of them have now developed a pattern and that once you intervene and break that pattern by keeping them separate while you play with them that they will then be able to be less "dramatic."

I learned, while caring for my two grandchildren at that age that I could not do other things for most of the time I was there. My presence made the situation a new adventure for them which required more supervision. If I were with them all of the time they also had their own routine and I would then have been able to leave them on their own more.

A note on the "violence." The little guys actions are not violent in the true sense of the word. He is reacting in the only way he knows how. He has no words to use. You could begin teaching him to say go! or some simple word. You could do this by role playing with them.

However, how effective this will be depends on his experiences the rest of the week and how compliant your son would be able to be. Your son may not respond because he also does not have that reinforced for him during the rest of the week. Babies do not have long term memory. Each will have forgotten the lesson by the next week.

The reason the angry response from the little guy could work is that the consequence is immediate. Your son will be able to back off sooner and eventually realize that if he doesn't approach nothing happens and he's not hurt.

The response to the word is more abstract. These babies may not be ready for something that abstract. That is why they require constant supervision.

Hello A.,

I agree with Marda, both kids are reacting age appropriately. My daughter had the same issues at that age (only with other children...). When other kids where intruding in her personal space, she would react with biting and hitting. Our daycare teachers said that was pretty normal and to be expected, our child was not the only one doing this.
Both at home and in the daycare setting we reacted by teaching her to use words, such as NO and GO AWAY and we taught her that hitting and biting is unacceptable by giving her short 30 sec. timeouts and very sternly saying "No biting" for example (no yelling, just a calm but stern tone).
Ourselves and the teachers also coached her by being her voice in situations that would provoke her. So when another child came too close I reminded her to say no or go away instead of hitting. Just be persistent in teaching both children appropriate behaviors, your son to allow personal space and the other child to react in a gentler manner.

My daughter is much like your son. We are constantly working on her for 'gentle hugs', 'ask first', and 'that is long enough'. Its a slow process, but, we're trying to teach her that both affection and respect for other people are appropriate. Maybe working on that with your son would help? (Like, have him ask, then a really short hug?)

For the little guy, i'd work on having him say 'no thankyou', which is what we worked on with my daughter's friend. She was never violent in response, so i don't know how to fix that, but we tried to teach her that she could stand up for what she wanted and needed, while being polite.

I think both girls were close to 18 months when we started in on this stuff - perhaps even a bit younger (like, when they started to walk). Things didn't improve over night, and my daughter is still to aggressively affectionate sometimes, but i think it has helped.

My daughter is 22 months and just went through the first hitting/pushing stage. I told her very firmly every time it happened that she is not allowed to hit or push. If she doesn't like what so-and-so is doing, then she must say, "Please stop!". Then I reminded her sisters (the usual culprits) that they need to ask for a hug or kiss first and that they must respect her wishes if she says "no".

I did this very consistently, and now only four months later it's not an issue at all. Hopefully your little guys will learn to use their words, too. I know it's usually a bumpier road with boys as far as physical actions are concerned.

Hmm, that is a tough one. If your son does make it over to the little boys "barrier", perhaps you miss some other interaction and just catch the end result. For example, maybe you miss that your son might be grabbing his hair, or poking at an eye or pinching. Kids are quick and it might just happen so fast and the little boy is responding to that?

2.5 yr old's are very curious and often do not realize that they are hurting someone else.

Does the little boy have any older siblings at home? Perhaps he has learned to be aggressive to keep a bigger kid away. I have seen how a slightly older brother (maybe 5 yrs old) can be rough with a smaller brother . . .

One suggestion is to bring activities that is appropriate to your son's age and interests. Hopefully there will be activities that are appropriate to the little boy's interests. If they can both be interested in different activities that would help. This will not always work. Perhaps you can save Canyon's activities for just those days.

Keep working on teaching your kid boundaries. If the younger kid only reacts violently when your son is in his space, then you should teach your kid that not everyone likes to be hugged and "smothered". It took my daughter a long time to be comfortable with other kids giving her hugs or wanting to be right next to her and I think it's good for them to have personal space to make them feel secure.
I know if people were always crowding my personal space I would have issues with it.

Sounds like that kid is gonna grow to have some kind of psychological anger issues. I wouldn't want my young son to be around that while he is so young. I think if I were you, I would look for another child to keep and politely and gradually get rid of him. He may grow out of it but he may get worse and your son doesn't understand that and you certainly don't want him to watch him and think that is the way you react to people and things and then start mocking him. You are the only one that can decide if that little boy is right for you and if he is being too violent for no reason. You cannot always keep your eyes on him 60 seconds out of every minute and you don't want to have to spend your days walking on egg shells so your child doesn't get blood drawn. How scarey for a 2.5 yr old. I say boot him and find another one to watch. Seriously, you should politely tell the mom that he is not right for you, that he doesn't seem to like your son, and you are having terrible issues and you think it would be better for her and her son to find him another place. That sounds like you are looking after her best interest so she can leave without being mad, then if you need a child for income or just because you enjoy it, find one that your son can play with and have a good time with. Your life will be so much easier and your child will be so much happier.
Good luck.