My 3 Year Old Daughter Is Hurting Me.

It's a phase, it's normal, you're her father, she loves you.

She's only 3, don't take it personally. You have to keep being the adult and showing her love, and not trying to guilt her or make her understand she's hurting your feelings. Her brain isn't developed yet. She's just testing things out.

This too shall pass. Someday, she'll like you better. And then she'll like mom, and then she'll like you. And when she's a teen, she might not like either of you.

You are the only father she has, it sounds like you're a good dad, of COURSE she loves you. Let it go.

If she hits you in the face, give her some kind of consequence such as time out, or putting her down, whatever. But ignore silly comments about her not loving you or you not loving her.

First, I suggest it's important for you to toughen up so that your feelings are not hurt. Know that she loves you and needs your calm, firm voice as you teach her appropriate ways to express her feelings. I had a difficult time learning how to stop taking things personally with my daughter. As I practiced being emotionally separate from the situation I saw a change in the way she treated me. I saw that often she used stinging words to show me her anger. Those words were her attempt at getting me to do what she wanted. I also learned that she sometimes used them to see if I loved her enough to take a firm stand.

In counseling I learned to say, "those words hurt my feelings. I don't want to be with you right now." Then I'd go to a different room. When I was feeling less emotional I'd have an age appropriate conversation with her, about anger and appropriate ways of expressing it. I learned to not let her words/actions change my expectations of good behavior.

In reading other responses I realize the way I handled this is a way that works with an older child. My daughter was 7. I agree that you immediately respond by telling her this is inappropriate. She is too young to understand your feelings. But, if your feelings are too close to the surface to respond with a calm active consequence then putting her down until you're less emotional is a good idea. Then follow up by continuing to do what you started to do.

I suggest some of this is happening because she feels unsure about where she'll fit in with this new baby. She is testing to see if you do love her. It's important to be confident in that love: hers as well as yours. When you know that love is there you can have and enforce good boundaries.

In response to your response. I am definitely not saying this to you because you're male. I have to chuckle. I am a retired police officer (female) with all that requires in the toughness category. My daughter came to me at the age of 7 as a special needs foster child. I did cry with some of her words and actions.

Your insight that you feel insecure in knowing what is right for your daughter is an important reason for her words/actions to hurt you. Toughen up includes knowing in a feeling way that you are a good parent who will do the best you can and what you do will be OK.

One thought that helped me was the title of a book by psychologist Bruno Bettilheim (sp?), The Good Enough Parent. His premise is that the parent who is trying to be a good parent is good enough no matter that they make mistakes. I tried to read the book which is heavy into psychology and stopped reading early on. That one concept still speaks to me as I watch young parents struggle.

Anything you do to build your self confidence will toughen you up. For me, it helped to find ways to feel successful in other areas of my life. One thing I did was keep a gratitude journal in which each day I listed 3 things for which I was grateful.

As to your daughter wanting only her mother to do things for her I suggest that it's good to honor your daughter's feelings in this. Let her mother do these things with you helping. Gradually you do more of each task so that her mother is eventually just watching and then is not there.

Show your daughter how to honor your feelings by honoring hers. When she fights you with words say, "looks like you're angry. Say, I'm angry!" My 3 yo granddaughter watches the TV program Daniel Tiger. She learned to angrily say "meow, meow" when she was angry. Her mom clued me in that this meant she was angry. So I added the words, I'm angry, and she mostly just says I'm angry now. She has become more direct with her angry feelings and we can teach her how to manage them.

Early on, I dropped a bag of groceries and said "damn!" I looked up to see her looking at me with a surprised expression on her face. I said, "meow, meow, I'm angry!" She scowled, said "meow, meow!" And tossed her book to the floor. We both laughed. A sense of humor sure does help.

Your relationship with your daughter is fine. It's important to have confidence in yourself knowing your relationship is based on love that is always present no matter how either one of you are feeling. You do still love her when she's angry?

It's okay to occasionally get mad at our kids.

She is not an infant.

When she hits you, or speaks rudely to you, even during fun happy playful times, or when she's acting out, stop whatever you're doing, hold her wrist, get right in her face, eye contact, and say very firmly, we do not hit.

Terminate whatever activity you're doing. Walk away from her. Ignore any subsequent temper.

Say simply and plainly, When you hurt me, I don't want to play with you. You don't have to sound angry, but don't make your tone loving either.

She will learn that being mean to Dad is the end of fun.

Being mean to ANYone is the end of fun.

It IS a normal phase, but you want it to be a short one.

:)

Re your addition about toughening up: J., we would say that to a mom. We are actually giving you the SAME advice as we would give to a woman. Indeed, this IS the same advice many of us have given to mommies who come on here boohoo'ing about this, saying "My child hates me!" Toughen up means stop taking it personally...

Original:
I want to commend you for trying to be a part of your daughter's life, as much as your wife. But I want you to try to understand that you are not the mama. Your daughter is a mommy's girl right now. And you cannot make her change in that regard until she is able to developmentally.

However, that does NOT mean that EITHER of you allow her to hit you. Your wife should be dealing with this along side of you. If she isn't, the question is WHY?

ANYTIME she hits you, you both tell her "NO hitting. Hands are for helping, not hurting." If you have a play pen or a pack & play, put her in it and walk away. Let her cry. Ignore her. After 4 or 5 minutes, then go to her and ask her if she is ready to behave. The pick her up, set her down on the floor with your face in front of hers and say "I told you that hands are for helping, not hurting. Do you understand me?" She needs to tell you that she is sorry for hitting you.

Have you ever had a bird for a pet? Do you know what they love to do? They love to peck at or bite your finger. Do you know why? They love to ellicit a response. If you jerk away and say ouch, they'll do it over and over again. If you ignore them and pretend they didn't, they stop.

The same thing goes for your daughter. She is elliciting a response out of you by telling you that you don't love her. You need to start ignoring it. The ladies who tell you to get a thicker skin are spot on.

You mention that your wife is pregnant. Yes, this is connected. Why would you think this is stupid? She knows that life is going to change. But 3 year olds can be so difficult without a baby in the picture (terrible two's, trying three's) and it will only get worse. When the baby comes, get your daughter a gift, a toy that she has wanted for a long time, has admired, and when she meets the baby, give it to her and tell her that the baby is so happy to meet big sister and this present is from the baby. The first week that the baby is home, sit down with pictures from when she was a newborn, with mommy and daddy holding her, and tell her that when she was new, you held her like the baby is being held. That will help her see that she was treated with the same loving care. You need to understand - children often get jealous of a new baby. It has been compared to the idea if you got a second wife, how your new wife would feel. Silly, yes, but still, a child gets jealous of a new sibling. It's just the way it is.

Keep telling her that baby loves her. If she acts interested in the bottle, tell her that she is such a big girl and can eat food and play and run and sing, and baby can only drink milk and sleep. Lucky big girl! That will help. Ask her to bring you a diaper, tell her that the baby is her baby too, etc. It will help.

As far as letting you put her to bed is concerned, you need to stop getting your feelings hurt, not allow her to slap you (if you see her hands coming to your face, grab her hands and hold them so that she can't let go and remind her "Hands are for helping..." If she tries to hit you again (not listening to you) then she's in the bed and you walk out of the room, turn off the light and close the door. NO bedtime story. Nothing. She loses her nightie-night privileges when she is mean to daddy.

Your wife will have a lot to do once this baby is born. You BOTH need to make sure that you are consistent with her that she has to let you help your wife. She is also going to be tired and miserable the last month of pregnancy, and a 3 year old trying to be the boss of the house will just not do.

Instead of getting your feelings hurt, you need to be loving but STERN. Your wife needs to say "No, your dad is helping you with that" and walk away. If she has a tantrum, you put her in her bedroom and shut the door until she stops. And then you only let her out when she stops the tantrum. And you NEVER give in to her if she has a tantrum, dad. NEVER. She will think that tantruming will get her what she wants. NO WAY. You have to teach her that all it gets her is stuck in her room.

This is so common.
When our son was 3, me and Daddy were hugging when our son pushed in between us, pushed Daddy away and said
"My Mommy! Get your own Mommy!".
Well it certainly shocked us - poor Daddy!
But we told him he could not treat Daddy like that.
I made a fuss over Daddy making him feel better - child didn't like that but he could see he wouldn't be winning any favors from ME by being mean to anyone else.
I gave them more alone time together - he became Daddy's Little Helper (with his very own tool belt!), went to see fire trucks together - and they've been best buddies ever since.
There's no reason you can't do the same thing with girls.

Kids will go back and forth between parents (and sometimes grandparents) as to who's the favorite for a long time.
Whether you're this weeks favorite or unfavored - you can't let it go to your head.
Hang in there and just wait and it'll change.

Hi J.,

May I present to you the flip side? I have a seven year old boy who, right now, thinks that Dad is Very Cool and Mom is Boring.Boring.Boring.

We go to a restaurant... he only wants to sit with Daddy. Go for rides at an amusement park--only wants to sit with Dad. When my husband graciously said "sit with mom this time", Kiddo rolled his eyes and looked like we had just offered him something rather unappetizing.

I understand that our egos can get bruised. :) But we have to have faith that, in time, they do come round. Your girl is typical of a lot of three year olds. It's good that you are addressing the hitting in the moment. Many insecure parents do allow their children to hurt them, and that is a bad road to go down, so keep responding in a calm, unemotional way.

Kids are tough. Know that your daughter might be very choosy about 'which parent' helps her-- like I said, typical for three and trying to establish some control-- but please don't take it personally.

I would be thoughtful about how much you are talking about the baby in front of her. It's five months away and that is like an eternity for a kid. It's so abstract. Be sure not to say "oh, you can't use this because little sister/brother will need it".

I love Marda's suggestion of Bruno Bettelheim's " A Good Enough Parent". I love this book and frankly, I don't think enough parents read it. It is such a reassurance to us. Please consider that advice. And everyone else's suggestions regarding hitting (to separate, put her down on the floor, etc.) are right on.

hi J., and welcome to the site.
it DOES hurt when our little ones are being pissy, but you really really have to keep in mind, always, that she's only 3, and that she does not have the experience or emotional capacity to take your feelings into consideration. she's still figuring out the world, and that includes taking out her frustrations on *safe* people, as well as testing what the limits and boundaries are in her world. make it easy for her by making them clear.
you do this by NOT giving her control over your emotions. she's not old enough for that much responsibility. do not permit her to hit you or anyone else. you take that chubby little hand firmly when it raises up and look her dead in the eye and say 'NO. no hitting.'
repeat as many times as it takes. no long explanations, no list of things she can use her hands for, not even time spent telling her how you understand (that comes later.) when she hits, she gets stopped in her tracks. stern voice. stern eyebrows. stern hand preventing her from hitting.
when she says 'i don't love you' you calmly reply 'that's okay because i love you anyway.'
she's pretty young for time-out. but plenty old enough to understand perfectly when you say 'i don't understand you when you scream at me like this. you need to go in your room (or stay here while i leave the room or whatever) until you are ready to use your big-girl voice.'
then do it. calmly pay no attention to her until she speaks courteously.
it may well be connected to your wife's pregnancy. it may simply be that it's getting results, even if the results are not what you (or she) wants.
remember, each interaction is teaching her something about how the world works. make sure you like what it's teaching her. it shouldn't be 'i can control my parents by being a tiny nightmare.'
ETA i seriously doubt marda's answer has anything to do with your sex. it's about your reactions to your tiny daughter's attempts to figure out her world. it's not about turning off your emotions, it's about understanding that you're not dealing with another adult here and adjusting your expectations accordingly. and yeah, that includes toughening up. moms have to do it too.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Never take this personally, it's a normal boundary push. You do need to discipline it if you want to teach her not to act that way. It seems different than other wrong behavior since it's emotional and she's "hurting your feelings", but it really isn't. She doesn't mean to hurt your feelings, she's just acting out negatively like any other tantrum or aggressive outburst, so don't put up with it. DON'T EXPLAIN how it makes you FEEL. That's like gasoline on a fire to this age. She's seeking power through negative attention for whatever reason (really doesn't matter unless she's being abused) and your feeling "hurt" is giving it to her. Warn her, That is not nice, if you do it again, ___will happen." and follow through right away with a consequence the next time she does it. Every time.

I also wouldn't ignore it. I have friends who would ignore this type of behavior and say "Well I still love you, sweetie" and so on to "model" loving behavior, but their kids kept yelling "I hate you!" and things that I would never let fly. To me that's a big NO WAY.

If you show weak boundaries and ignore this aggression she could lash out against other kids, bully them and on the flip side she will lack her own boundaries one day because she's not getting FRIM guidelines on what is OK and what is not.

The book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is a very concise and clear guide to loving, calm, firm ways to nip normal negative behaviors like this before they go on too long.

I think this is very normal. My oldest daughter preferred me when she was almost 3 and I was pregnant with our second. My husband is the most involved, fun loving dad (and I am the strict one) but still she would cling to me. I forget all the stages (my girls are 14 and 17) but there is a stage where they learn that the world is a bigger place than just their home and family, and it makes kids cling to the familiar primary care giver. Additionally, often when a new sibling is due, the older child regresses and wants to be "the baby" again, which can mean sitting on mommy's lap, getting help with things from mom that she could do independently already, and not wanting daddy.
I would suggest you continue to be the loving and caring dad you are, and you+your wife add some gentle disciplining words and actions. When daughter is mean your wife could discipline her and remind her that "we do not use mean words or hands in this family". That way you are not the "bad guy" who is always punishing her. We also used to say :"we will always love YOU but we do not love your behavior right now". That way she will know that even though she acted badly, she is still loved but her behavior is not allowed.

Hi J. - re "toughening up" - we moms have to do that too. It's not a male thing - it's a parent thing. Kids often switch back and forth and it's h*** o* us but it's something we have to do.

Your daughter is probably reacting to the new baby situation. Her family is changing and she's acting out. Your wife needs to help out here and correct her. The hitting is NOT ok, and she needs consequences for that from BOTH of you. You need a united front on that. As to the not loving you - she loves you, but she knows things are changing and she's not dealing with it well.

You can just tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way, honey, but I always love you". Your wife needs to be part of this, back you up, correct her when she's being physically hurtful. I like Dana's suggestion about teaching her how to ask for mommy nicely. She's old enough to know that you need to ask nicely for things. Let her know that mommy will tuck her in, but not if she's being mean and yelling and screaming. If she asks for mommy, mommy can come. If she yells for mommy and isn't nice to daddy, then she doesn't get what she's demanding.

You can't tell your daughter her feelings are wrong, but do your best to not take them personally, because they aren't. They're the roller coaster feelings of a child who's learning they are separate from their parents, and having a new baby added on top of that.

Welcome to Mamapedia. You do not have to be a mom. Dads are welcome. If you want to add stuff later, you can use the "So What Happen" option. i think that's what you were asking about.

About your daughter. Don't worry, sounds like a phase. A miserable one for you, but one that will pass. My sweet girl did it to me too. She was all about Daddy and would have nothing to do nothing with me. She would even act like she was going to kiss me and then turn her head at the last minute and kiss her stuffed animal instead. I was miserable and I would cry and cry (not in front of her of course). Whoever told you to toughen up isn't thinking. It does hurt. You love your little girl.

As someone else said, though, don't punish her for that kind of thing. When my daughter did it, I either ignored it or turned it into a play as a way to bond with her. I would tickle her instead or I would change around the words to a couple of songs about wanting kisses (Just one Kiss from Bye Bye Birdie and Kiss the Girl from The Little Mermaid except I changed it to Kiss the Mamma). She loved the kissing songs and would giggle and giggle when I sang them. I can't remember if I ever got kisses from them, but she and I had great fun anyway, so those long months were spent with bonding in ways that included more laughing and tickling than hugging and kisses.

As far the hitting goes -- that should be stopped with a no, and setting her on the floor immediately.

This is a very common stage at that age. Don't let her get away with it - you and mom both reprimand her and tell her no, hitting. No, you may not hit daddy. That's not nice to say that. Or, well, I love you. Give her a short time out each time. Have mom give her a time out too. Just be consistent. Keep it short and don't give her any attention for this behavior. She loves you and she will switch at some point I bet and be a daddy's girl. Our daughter used to be like this...only wanted mommy. She still is a mommy's girl, but she just adores her dad and often requests him over me to put her to bed, etc. Just keep doing things with her and spending quality time with her. She will outgrow this. (PS - I remember when my son went through this stage when he was age 3. He would tell me he did not like me anymore and he was not going to be my friend or play with me every again.).

Children switch between favorite people all the time. Some times Mom is "THE ONE" sometimes it's Dad, sometimes its the babysitter or a nursery worker. You do not need to take this so personally, because it simply is not personal. She does NOT hate you. She does not love you less and her mother more.

You and your wife do not need to force your to "love" on you if she does not want to. Forcing her will make her fight harder against it. You will become the "bad guy" if you try to. You can however use this to teach her how to use her words and how words are respected. Tell your daughter that her words are hurting you and that the things she says and does are not allowed. These lessons will help her stand up for herself against strangers and peer pressure as she grows up. She's allowed to want one parents over another, but she's not allowed to be cruel and physically hurtful. Your wife can even step up and refuse to "cuddle" your daughter until she apologizes to you for her actions and words. Then you accept and walk away to do something else while your daughter is rewarded with Mommy's time for her good behavior.

If she wants mommy, she must use her kind words to ask politely and yes, this can be connected to your wife's pregnancy. Your daughter wants all the mommy time she can get now. You definitely need to teach her how to ask for what she wants. Once this baby comes there will be less mommy time for everyone. She needs her time now and you may need to plan on Mommy and daughter dates. Time when mommy is totally focused on the big sister and not baby. You also need to get her to help with the baby, fetching diapers, blankets, and bottles when asked. Getting her to help take care of the baby will help her bond.

I hope this helps.

Your daughter is only 3 and the section of her brain that understands love, hate and death are not fully developed. She does not have the physical ability to fully understand these concepts. So, she knows that she gets a reaction out of you when she says she hates you; thus, she continues to do it. If you don't react at all, she'll stop because she's not getting what she wants. Just ignore it and continue what you're doing.

As for the hitting, she SHOULD be very much aware that that is unacceptable behavior. I suggest that the next time you pick her up, be ready for her hand to come up to hit you and grab that hand. DO NOT let her actually hit you. Look her straight in the eyes, with a very stern face (practice in the mirror if you have to) and tell her "You do not hit daddy or anyone else. That will not be tolerated" and then put her down and walk away from her. She will learn very quickly that she is not getting anything from hitting you other than ignored and it will stop. Actually, you should have been doing this since she was a baby - I have NEVER let any of my kids/grandkids hit me, no matter how young they were.

Theresa gave great advice.

She is old enough to have a "big girl" conversation. Tell her that she is hurting your feelings and just plain hurting you and that is not acceptable.

I didn't see it mentioned much, but Mom needs to be jumping in to inform her that her behavior is unacceptable.

Good Luck!

Thank you for asking the question, and welcome to Mamapedia! Yes, fathers are definitely welcome on the board; over the years, there have been several men who post regularly and share good ideas.

I don't have much to add to others' suggestions, just wanted to encourage you to keep asking questions and share your own answers.

Welcome to Mamapedia, and of course dads are welcome on this site. Although English is not your first language, your grammar and spelling are better than those of many native speakers, so don't apologize!

You can respond to individual people either by hitting the "So what happened" button (and hope they come back to read what you have written publicly) or you can click "write X a private message" which will only be seen by that person.

There are some good comments below so I will just add a few. It's completely normal for children to go through phases of preferring one parent over the other. This will shift over time. It has nothing to do with hurting your feelings - she is 3 and doesn't know how to hurt you on purpose. It's okay to gently correct a child and of course you have to stop the hitting, but that's what kids do when they are frustrated and lack the vocabulary to express their frustration. It has nothing to do with trying to hurt you. It's essential that you be the bigger person here, and not let your insecurities take over. You will actually make things worse.

As kids grow, they "test" their parents by saying things like "I hate you." You can't give in to that - you just say, "Well, I love YOU and I always will." Your daughter really doesn't know what "I love you" means - so getting her to say that to you might seem nice but it's really meaningless. You keep modeling that behavior and saying "I love you" of course, and when they say it back, you say, "I love it when you say that." But you don't criticize them for NOT saying it. Does that make sense?

So she's not giving you a hard time. She's 3. Little kids do this as part of their development. When she is 6, she will do something else you want to change or correct. Same thing at 9. And oh, just wait until the teen years! What will help her the most is if you are her rock - if you are her loving father all the time who sees her for who she is and not for who you hope she will be as an older child or an adult.

I don't think anyone is telling you to toughen up because you are a man. That's something we all have to do, men and women.

So you correct that which must be corrected - hitting anyone (not just you) is not allowed. You tell her to use her words. You help her to give voice to her frustrations. But you also are consistent. She's 3 so she doesn't get to go to the public bathroom alone, and she may still need help even at home. That's not her choice, although you can start to give her some independence and freedom in safe situations. For example, she might be able to start in the bathroom by herself but need an adult to wipe her or help her wash her hands.

I find it hard to believe that this has anything to do with your wife being pregnant. A child has no concept of this! And having a sibling in 5 more months is an eternity to a child. If you told her about it already, stop talking about it. She has no idea what this will mean except a change in her life - if you and her mother are nervous or making a big deal about it, it's upsetting her sense of normalcy, but otherwise she has no idea what this will mean. However, it's possible that you and your wife changed your actions or behavior or tone of voice, and your daughter is picking up on that. It's also possible that others are talking about the new baby and how she's going to be a big sister and how her life is going to change, and that could easily be upsetting her. When the new baby comes and a) her mother is gone and b) you are tired and preoccupied, it will be normal if she regresses and acts even younger. You have to reassure her of your unending love through all of these changes.

I honestly think you could benefit from some good reading about what's normal for children at different stages of their development. You might also benefit from some short-term counseling or a parenting class to help you work on your confidence. When the new baby comes, it's going to disrupt your routines and make you both more tired, and it can be an adjustment for the older sibling. That doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong - it just means kids react to new experiences, and they have tantrums, and they have frustrations they can't express or understand. We as the parents have to find a balance between consistency and making good adjustments, and we have to have realistic expectations for our children. We need to demand their best, but not until they are developmentally ready for it. And we have to allow them to make mistakes and grow and learn.