Time Out

You and I are much alike. I have a 22 month old daughter, have been married for 3 1/2 years and am 5 weeks pregnant and let me tell you, you are not alone. I use time out too. I honestly don't know if she gets it or not, but I guess we have to give it a whirl huh? I wish I had an earth shattering answer for you. My daughter seems to be really naughty mostly when she is tired, but Lord knows she strikes when unexpected. Mine is more of a hitter though. So, here I am babbling only to tell you that I have no answer for you, but hang in there. It seems to go in phases. We can only hope they grow out of it!!!!!!!!

I am kinda clueless about this too.. My son is 16 months old and we have a similar problem. The only thing we do is when we put him in time out we sit with him and count down the time.

Yes, you should use time-out at this age, if you don't get control now, it will only get worse. I disagree about the bed--I would never use a bed for dicipline, why do this, when there are sooo many other alternatives(carpet,chair, beanbag ect...)

Also, toddlers seek attention this way. do not give her attention with these behaviors.I always liked to think of things that will stop the behavior before it begins. Toddlers actout usual because they are tiered, hungry, or feel like they don't have control. Make her feel in control about her day by giving her choices. Really these are the choices you choose, but it makes her feel like it is her choice--for example do you want eggs or pancakes for breakfast? Which of these books do you want Mommy to read tonight?

Also, look into Love and Logic--great website with good advise and good books about discipline! Someone else posted a question about this, you should review the responses they recieved!

HI. yes, I know what you are talking about. I actually was able to stop most of this right away by saying , "TIME OUT" In a strong voice..not yelling..and then putting my son against any random wall. I dont do his bedroom, because that is a "happy" place- and I dont want to do a bathroom..-potty time, etc. So I picked a wall in the kitchen and said "time out" then I explain why as I make him sit down. I get eye to eye and say- "you hurt mamas feelings by doing".....and then say now you have to have time out and sit for 1 minute or whatever. (Its 1 min per year..but I sometimes shorten it a bit) And I dont let him get up and I try not to look at him too much or he thinks/makes it a game. It usuallly works good and he changes his actions. Just make sure to get eye to eye and explain what they did and why it was wrong...a short version they can get.
Good Luck!! (: Where so you live exactly? Is it in Geneseo, IL?

M., I would say your daughter is old enough for time outs. I have a 2 1/2 year old, almost 3. I can't remember exactly when I started time out with him, but it was younger than your daughter is now. It doesn't always seem to work, but the most important thing is to be consistant. She's testing her limits and seeing how you will react. If you put her in time out for something once, you should put her in time out every time she does it, even if it doesn't seem to be working. Over time (and it will take quite a while) she'll get the idea that you mean business. Another important thing to remember is to not let her know her behavior gets to you. If she throws a little tantrum, simply tell her in a calm voice that it won't get her what she wants and walk away. This works with my son. A tantrum is no good if there isn't an audience, and if there is an audience it's no good if the audience doesn't seem to care. If you act upset, she's going to get a thrill from the power she has over you and she'll keep doing it. I know, it's SO much easier said than done, but just remember you aren't the only mom with a seemingly violent child! And, if you love her and stay consistant, she will grow out of it.

Have you ever heard of the parenting book "Parenting with Love and Logic"? I've found it very useful. I've also learned some good stuff from "Unconditional Parenting." My son responds well to us telling him we can't understand him when he whines or throws fits. I then give him an example of how he could/should talk. I don't think she is too old for time outs, but it doesn't sound like they really work for her. Maybe she needs more choices. Ask her if she'd rather sit in the corner to calm down or lay on the floor in her room. Explain (hee hee) that you can't understand her fits/whining but would love to talk to her when she feels calm. Always show lots of love and empathy. I've read that as they start to become more independent they sometimes are afraid and unsure of their new world. I've had more success with a 1-2-3 rule that my mother-in-law told me about. Make sure they now what the consequences will be if she gets to "3." If she acts out of turn say, "That's one" in a calm voice. If she does it again say, "That's two" and on to "3" if she keeps doing it. Then follow up with the consequence. This is worked fabulously with my 3 year old. Good luck and congrats on your 2nd pregnancy!

Every child is different and responds to different tactics. When my son used to throw tantrums (2-3yo) I would stand and watch and actually encourage him to do "better", basically telling him "If you're going to do something, do it right." After a few tantrums he realized that he was not getting the reaction he wanted and quickly decided not to throw them any more.

Our youngest daughter didn't respond to any kind of spankings or time outs, so we instituted the "bad girl chair". Sort of like a time out, but in full view of the entire family. She had to sit in the bad girl chair while everyone else went about their business. She quickly decided she hated being "viewed" and so obviously punished while everyone else was having fun.

As for the biting - I bite back. For some reason children bite, and they don't seem to realize that it hurts - until someone bites *them* (not too hard, mind you, just enough for them to realize it is not a nice thing to do).

Keep trying different approaches until you find something that works. For some it's physical discipline, others it's mental...I know it's difficult but eventually you'll find the "way" to deal with the situation that achieves the desired results for the child in question. My oldest 3 are now all teenagers/college students and honestly, they all required different tactics throughout their lives. Exhausting, but worth it.

usually depending on the development of the child I find it the earlier you start the better usually around 18months on up however; you must keep in mind that nothing may seem to faze them until they get closer to three. This has alot to do with their brain developing so fast causing them to feel negative most of the time. With my children I found that no matter what I did they kept fighting back until they were three nothing seemed to faze them. Just keep working at it and it will pay off sooner or later. If you start now it should pay off by the time they are three and a half.

I don't think it is too young to start on time out, but I do think the age old sit in the corner is a little negative. Try redirection first and foremost, also remember time out at that age is to get them away from the unpleasant situation it doesn't have to be more than removing them and telling them what you would rather them be doing instead. With toddlers you also have to pick your battles and sometimes you have to let natural consequence play a role in teaching them to understand. As for the tantrums trowing themselves on the floor and screaming it's an attention getter, ignore it and walk away. The minute you respond they have won your attention in a negative way and the behavior will continue. Remeber it is also a very natural behavior for toddlers who lack the vocabulary to communicate in an effective way.

Hi M.
I for one love time outs and we have done them with our daughter since she was a little younger than your little girl. I always tell her no if a behavior is inapporpriate and we talk about how she is making a bad choice and then I count to three- if I get to three she goes in time out. I have always heard its a minute for each year they are so 2 minutes is about right. After our daughter was a little older we told her the time didn't start until she was quiet so she had to calm down and think about why she was there. At the end of the time out its really important to talk about why she was in time out. Have her tell you if she can what choice she made that put her there.

The thing about some of these tantrims at this age is they usually come from three sources, they want attention, they want to communicate and can't, or they want more control in their world. If you can help her with those things, like giving her more choices, helping her use her words or baby sign and giving her a little one on one time when she really appears to be needing it, often times the major blow ups can be avoided or minimized. Unfortuanatly they are part of the terrible twos so just be consistent. Good luck and congrats on being pregnant!

She is for sure old enough for time outs - 2 minute long. The key is to be consistant - do it every time there is a no / fit and leave her. So she laughs... if it stops the behavior it's fine. I also use "love and logic". I would say uh oh, bedroom time until you are sweet, and let them have the fit away from the family. When they are happy again they can join us.

I am a mother of 4 beautiful girls under the age of 6. I was blessed with a wonderful pediatrician who told me about time out with my first daughter. She said at 12 months babies can get time out and they should get 1 minute for every year old. I currently have a 19 month old and she has started biting. She goes right to time out when this happens, every time she does it. The first 2 or 3 times were tough and I had to calmly keep putting her back in until she would stay. Now she knows and she will actually go to the chair when she commits a violation! She has really improved on not biting and I hardly ever have to send her to T.O. now.
The trick with time out is to not get mad and lose your cool because then it becomes mommy's problem. I have also read "Happiest Toddler on the Block" (can't remember the author) and it has some great tips and tricks to understanding and coping with the toddler years! It has really been a valuable resource for us.

I have a 23 month old son and am kind of wondering the same thing. So far it hasn't been too bad. We live in a small apartment and don't have much room for a time out corner or anything. We keep all his toys in the living room so if he acts bad I ask him if he want's to go to his room and he says no cause there isn't anything to play with in there. so then I count to 3 and usually he stops misbehaving but i am going to have to figure something out for the future when that doesn't work. I have been told to just put him in his room and shut the door. Maybe you could try that and see if it works. for the 1 minute per year of age. we did do it a few times and it seemed to work okay. hope you find something that works for you.

I don't use timeouts but my friend does and here is how she does it:
(He's 19 months old)
When he does something wrong, she says very firmly, "No, you are in time out" and puts him in a corner. He usually sits there and cries. After a little under a minute (or when he has calmed down a bit) she tells him why he is in time out (e.g. "you are in time out for not listening to Mommy.") He sits until the 1 minute mark. At which point she will tell him, "if you want out of time out you have to.. FILL IN THE BLANK"- usually it's say sorry to whoever he hurt or maybe give whoever a hug. And if he does that, time out is over.

yes it is a good idea for time out have you try to put her in her room tell her she think about what she has done i know that she is 22 month but it dones work my kids did that start going to there room if she throw herself on the floor walk a way from her she will get that you are not wach her no more

I have 3 kids jessi 15 allen 13 wendy 9
so i know what you are going thought i hard but it a toddler way to talk to you hope this work

My husband and I started doing timeout with my stepson as soon as he started misbehaving so it is not too early. Another nice thing was that after a few time outs he realized that he didn't like that and stopped the naughty behavior before we got to the count of three. We use 1-2-3- Magic to dicipline him. It is a wonderful easy program to follow. The book itself is called 1-2-3- Magic. Another thing you do need to do though is make sure the time out isn't too long. A 22 month old should only have a 1 minute 30 seconds to a 2 minute time out. Usually the rule is 1 minute for every year the child is old. If the corner isn't a place that she sees as dicipline you might try to find somewhere else, such as a chair at the kitchen table or something like that. I hope you find something that works for you.

I work at a childcare center and deal with twos alot. We only have two children that tend to act up and what I find works for one is to sit her at the table until she is calmed down which thankfully now is almost right away. The other child is a bit more difficult. If he is corrected in any way or if he does not get his way immediately he will kick and scream and sometimes throw things. At first the tantrum lasted up to an hour. We would sit with him on the floor to make sure he would not hurt himself and firmly let him know that his behavior would not be tolerated. Sometimes you just have to let the child have their fit because they will eventually rralize that they are not getting away with anything. As for the biting my one year old bites me and I gently hold his cheeks and say no biting and then I tell him to give kisses. This seems to be working because he went to bite me but stopped himself and kisses my hand. Good luck, stay strong and above all have patience. Children tend to see how far they can push the limits.

"To Tain Up a Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl is an excellent resource. Being firm, consistant, and loving are key. I have found time-outs don't usually work. Tell her "no" once. If she does not comply, find a switch or a spoon and give her a few swats on the backside so she gets the message that you mean business and you are in charge!

M., this is a tough time, because she is definately doing what gets attention and control, and yet she is young. I think she can do a time out at about two, but for only about 2 minutes, etc. If the time out chair is in your sight, it may be fun to her, and still she can demand your attention. If it is attention that she wants, remove it for her time outs. In the crib for two minutes. (This will NOT make her hate her bed....I've read that they know the difference between happy sleep time use of a bed, and time outs, even at this age.) If she values being with you, she will not like it, but it will make a point. Proper behavior = being with the people she loves. And this is not to say that she shouldn't get attention, of course. Just lots of it when she is behaving well. And also, I obviously don't think you should give time outs for a first response. Only after you've warned, and know she fully understands the "no." If/when you do use this, don't show frustration. Just calmly do what you have to do, and keep living. Good luck to you, and try whatever advice seems to make sense to you.
J.

Edited to add that if you think she does not understand the "No or Stop," it may just be that you will have to redirect her again. Sometimes that is more appropriate, but only you would know that for sure.

M.,
First don't get discouraged. Sometimes teaching good habits takes time, not days or weeks. Consistency is the key. If she sees you frustrated, she has won and she knows it. I have a now 4 year old that at 18 months would hurt his older sisters and than walk to the corner because he knew he had "time out". At this point I knew the rules had changed. I have learned that, for us, he was looking for attention. So I would talk to him and find that he wanted to play with his sisters, so he would hit them and run, like in tag! When he needed discipline, even if he put himself in time out, I would talk to him and (for instance) find out why he was climbing on things he didn't belong. I learned he loves water, so I put cups on his level so he could get a drink from the fridge any time he wanted. He felt he was not being understood and not getting attention. For some reason kids act bad when they look for attention. Praise the good things, find good things for them, and they will eventually find it is easier to be good to get the attention and they get more of it. When they go to the corner and laugh, it is all attention. I started putting my son in his bedroom for time out. You are mostly looking for a distraction or to be removed from the situation. I also followed up time outs with a LOT of positive time, like tickle fights, reading books, or playing with them and their toys. I hope this helps.

J..
Stay at home Mother (if you considered how little I stay at home) of 4, ages 11, 7, 4, 10 mo

Unfortunatly at this age time out is a game. Make a list of things she will go into time out for and only put her there for those things. As a rule, time out should only last as long as their age, so for her 1 and a half minutes.Have a time out chair, time out spot, and time out timer. Be consistant and make sure that everyone outside of your home who watch her are also being consistant. Explain to her the reason she is there, tell her when she hears the timer she may get up. If she gets up before the timer goes off put her back in her seat and reset the timer. If she screams and cries ignore her. She wants a reaction and is testing her limits.As for the tantrums go let her have one. Make sure she and you are safe and let her scream.There are times you may literally have to hold her down to keep her or yourself out of harms way. Remember, there is nothing wrong with that if safety is the issue. Good luck

I recommend reading Dr. James Dobson's "The Strong Willed Child".

We have used TO's with both our kids(15mo & 4yr). The 15 mo. earlier. When necessary I use the pack n play for the TO. Then he cant get up and giggle and wait for me to tell him to sit again. and gets a 'bigger' understanding that I mean business.

TO's for my older one were horrible a few months ago. When both mom and dad got on the same page for expectations, things settled down again. Dad still waits a little longer on the discipline than I do :) but that's one difference in our handling of things.

Consistancy is huge. If at first you have to count to 10 for the TO, start there and get longer each time. Use a timer if they really have trouble and want to know when the TO is "over yet". The three minute timers from boggle or other games work well. They can see the sand falling and can turn it over if they need to sit longer. (probably other times as well :) )

ooops....kids need me..... Good luck! O and try the 1,2,3 approach.

Hi Mindi,
This is B., I a currently teach parenting classes here in Big Rapids and would like to invite you to attend. They meet every Monday from 5-6:30 at the Mid Michigan Community Action building (in their conference room). We do have child care, too. It's all free! Paid for by the Mecosta County Children's Council. Please note that next Monday is Martin Luther King day and Mid Michigan is closed, so there will be no classes -- but we will resume the Monday after that -- which is January 28th. The classes are 12 weeks. We will be on module 8 on Jan. 28, and will continue through module 12; and then begin again on module 1. It's continuous. We'd love to have you join us -- all are welcome. The address is 405 S. Third St, Big Rapids, MI. I do teach on time-outs and children's behavior issues.

We started time-outs at 16 months! We would just take our son away from the situation to a special place and tell him no and BREIFLY explain why we said no. Then we would count to 10 and let him out. The older he got the longer he stayed, and by the time he was 2, he understand completely what time out was, stayed there by himself for the full two minutes. Then we would talk to him about why he was in time out, and that's all there was to it! Good luck.
T

I use time out on my 19 month old. I set him in the corner on the floor and of course first couple of times u have to kinda sit there to ... cause of puttin them back in it when they refuse to stay. But he gets the idea. Also I have a 3 year old neice that when she was in her 2's we have her stand where ever I am at like if i was doin the dishes she would stand next to me but we make her put her hands on her head for time out. If we put her in the corner she just does the same thing as ur daughter. DESTORYS the wall or something around it. So we went to standing her basically in the middle of th floor near us. She got the hang of it real fast... Its amazing how much they understand at a young age. U would be surprised. GOOD LUCK and stick with it.

Hi M.:

I would definitely start using time-outs as a disciple tool. Once our son turned one we started to use time-outs when he did something like biting, hitting, or kicking. From 12 months to 16 months the duration was only 30-40 seconds in time-out. Once he turned 16 months the duration increased to a minute and we started to use them for other very bad behavior.
I sit him in the doorway of our living room. We can see him, but there is nothing to play with and it is a boring place to sit. We have placed a kitchen timer on the shelf so he can see the time pass.
Once he does something naughty I tell him "That was very naughty, you need to have a time-out". I then direct him to the place or carry him there if he doesn't go on his own. He has to sit there for a minute without screaming or throwing a fit. If he does this the timer is reset. Once the time is up and he is calm I then explain exactly what he did wrong and why he shouldn't do it. Then he has to apologize and give a hug to the person hurt.
I admit that this process can take awhile. I have learned that you have to stay firm and consistent. It can be a battle of wills for awhile. My father-in-law is living with us right now and isn't firm when he does this and my son just laughs at him and runs away. My FIL just gives up so my son realizes that he can get away with this behavior.
Another key thing I have realized is that when they are in the time-out you have to ignore them. I keep an eye on him, but I do not interact with him or speak to him until the time is up. If he gets up I sit him back down and walk away. I sometimes have to tell him to sit down but for the majority of the time I do not speak with him.
I have come to realize that tantrums are normal at this age. I either distract him with something else giving his a choice to either have fun or throw a fit. When he throws a fit I ignore him, but watch to make sure he isn't hurting himself. I am lucky because my son hates to be ignored.
An example was last night he wanted Oreo cookies and I told him no but he could have a banana or bunny crackers. He started to throw a fit. I told him to make a good choice and either tell me which he wanted or he would not have either one. He continued to demand an oreo. I said no and then offered the options again. He then threw himself to the ground and started screaming. I asked him to stop once and when he continued I then turn around and continued making dinner. After around 30 seconds he realized that I wasn't paying attention and stopped. He then came over to me and asked for a banana. I told him that was a good choice and gave him one with a big hug for asking nicely.
Patience and being consistent are my words of wisdom on this issue. Good luck.

We've gotten lucky with our 21mo old son. We do give him time-outs & they do work. He will sit there & cry. He does stay. You should do it for as old as they are. So, we do it for 2min. We put him where there are no toys or anything. We don't talk to him. When it's over, we go down to his level & explain that what he did was not right & then he's good. I'm always telling my husband how I can't believe that he just sits there & listens. I'm sure it won't last but for now it works.

Good luck!

This book has a very strange title, so don't let that put you off. but I found it absolutely invaluable for creating win/win situations with my kids - even at 22 months. In fact I cut out the suggestions at the end of each chapter, miniaturized them, and put them on my refrigerator. When we would have a problem as you describe I would grab the right page, and read the suggestions. The book is: How to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk.
Good Luck,
L.