Teenage Inappropriate Behavior

It sounds like your stepdaughter is behaving in a way that is not surprising, but does need to be addressed. It seems like there is a lot going on around her, you are a very active, involved mother with commitments that while directed towards your kids, still distracts your attention from being entirely on them every second. You also have two children that need a lot of attention directed toward their specific needs. She may be acting out, especially at family functions because there is a part of her that feels she is lacking attention, plus she probably thinks that she looks older and more mature to the people around her. Or, if she's acting up in front of YOUR family only, it could just be because she wants to be rude to YOUR family, which is also unacceptable. When "interacting" with her dad, she probably thinks that she's behaving in an adult way for them to bond, and also to distinguish that her relationship with him is different from his relationship with her siblings. My half-sister is 45 and still to this day is border-line freakish about time and interaction with our dad....but then, no one ever called her out because they were afraid of hurting her feelings. She has grown into a very insecure woman with a lot of issues because she was never taught how to appropriately feel or react to certain things in life.

Perhaps if your husband tries taking her out once a month on a special "daddy/daughter" time so that she feels that she's not lacking for special time, and while they're together, he needs to concentrate on being very calm with her and focusing her energies on talking and behaving like an adult as opposed to engaging in her physically playful taunts. (having said this...he also needs to make sure he gives the other kids special time too so that she doesn't feel superior and the other kids don't get their feelings hurt)

Another thing to seriously take into consideration is to make sure that you treat her NO differently from your other children. DO NOT handle her with kid gloves because you feel like she's sensitive about the divorce that happened a decade ago. It happened, you can't change it, and you give her as stable and loving a home as you can....being bitter or sensitive ultimately only hurts her in the long run. Lay down the law when she misbehaves, just like you would with your other kids. If they tried to take away gifts from a birthday child, wouldn't you immediately deal with it, tell them it's unacceptable, and if they don't like it, you separate them and do not let them rejoin any group until their behavior is acceptable AND they must apologize. Self-entitlement and jealousy issues can be a big problem with step-children even though they may not be apparent on the surface, and by indulging or even "making allowances" the main person that suffers is that child.

If she doesn't feel like she's acting out or nothing changes and you are continually sending her away from the group for rude behavior, then try video-taping these episodes, and let her see herself (this can be done non-confrontationally by simply having a "family video night"-or, if need be, flat out call her out....she'll be angry, but you are the parent and you need to do what you need to do to make sure she doesn't learn a crueler lesson out in the real world). Chances are good that without anyone saying anything, she'll be embarrassed and may begin to adjust her behavior by herself.

I would shy away from discussing the "flirting" with both your husband and your step-daughter....that will just be embarrassing and cause problems for everyone. Suggest to your husband that you feel that certain ways of playing aren't appropriate for her anymore as a growing teenager and that you'd like his help to encourage her to behave more maturely in an appropriate way. But! You do need to have his support in dealing with her bad behavior...no matter what, you two need to present a united front. Sorry to have written such a long response but these are all issues I have seen in my own family. BEST OF LUCK!

I can tell you right now that she is lacking the attention she needs. Being that she is from a divorce situation is traumatic enough. She is acting out to get you to notice her. I am sure you spend alot of time with the other children due to the fact that they are your children with him and that they are special needs. You need to make one on one time with her when she is visiting you guys. Your husband should spend a few hours ALONE with her when she is on his time( not as a family) You don't want her to end up hating her dad or doing something to hurt your other kids out of jelousy. You will notice a change in her behavior if you do those things. When she knows that she is an equal and not an outsider.

I have to ask...is she your husband's only child from the previous relationship? I noticed that you say you have three other children, but the 13 year old is the only one you specify is your stepdaughter. Here is my initial impression: She may feel like an outsider in her father's new family, especially if she is the only "step" child and her position has changed with the birth of each new child with you. Not that I am saying that her behavior is right; she is old enough to know that her behavior is inappropriate. I deal with a very difficult situation with my in-laws (they are the ones with the inappropriate behavior all the time) and one thing that helps me is putting myself in their shoes to see what the motive or reward is for thier behavior. Maybe you could try that. Once you see what the reward is, you know better how to counter act the behavior so that the reward is not received. Another suggestion is this: I went through a time when my daugher who is 7 was deciding she was going to marry any boy who paid even a little bit of attention to her. She latched herself on to a little boy from church who really did not appreciate the inapproprate attention. It was a hard lesson for her, but she eventually discovered that she was making him hate her, but I digress...through much thought (and prayer) I decided that she was not getting enough attention from her dad, not enough one on one attention from her dad, and so I instigated a Daddy Date Night, where he takes her out to IHOP or wherever she wants to go, and then they do something fun like a movie or putput afterwards. After the first "date" the inappropriate behavior towards boys stopped almost entirely. This may be something that will work for your family. I really hope this helps you!
Heather

"The Normal One" by Jeanne Safer is a great book that deals with a lot of the feelings that your stepdaughter may be having.

It is definitely hard to be a step-anything (mom, daughter, etc.). It is not for lack of love, it's just hard! I have similar problems speaking to my husband about his son. I don't think it is malicious, he just seems to harbor guilt re:effects of divorce on his son and that immediately puts him on the defensive when I bring anything up. Communication is just hard sometimes! I just keep reminding myself that it is worth it in the end and to keep going. My son and husband are both carrying some painful baggage and despite that they plug along too.

(Maybe counseling would help ease our burden as well.)

K.,
Teenagers can be tricky, but i would suggest you nip this ASAP. You might (should seek) some family counseling. Often attention seeking behavior like this can be a manifestation of deeper family systemic problems. You are right to be worried, and your husband should encourage his daughter to be appropriate.
L

Counseling and fast! Went through divorce when daughter was then 12. She did the same with her father...and all counselors who spoke with him realized HE was encouraging the situation because he did NOT understand age-appropriate behavior. He wanted desperately to be her friend rather than her father. Counseling needs to involve you, your husband, the daughter ... the whole family. It's a huge investment...but is she does not develop appropriate boundaries now, she is going to take that into her relationships with boys very soon, and more problems will develop. Counseling is tough. Good counseling will bring out resentment issues. It will challenge you, your husband and every relationship, but a good family counselor will get to the crux of this issue. There is something going on and you are one wise woman to be reaching out. You can talk about it with others all you want, but unless you DO something, every day you talk about the issue and don't do something just entrenches this pattern and escalates it even moreso. Get moving if you care about all of your family. It's all about appropriate boundary issues. I'd say you can't waste time since she is already well into her teen years...that's why I recommend counseling now. This has been an issue for quite some time. If you try to resolve it yourself you will only lose more time. The counseling will be good for everyone in the family. That way you aren't the one trying to lead the discussions with either husband or children...you too are a "counselee" so to speak. You need intervention.

K., I am sorry for this situation, and no I do not believe it is quite normal. I would encourage to start some type of communication with your husband, starting out with "I feel" statements when you approach this topic. Talk with him alone and see of you two can get her into counseling. EXAMPLE: "I m feeling concerned, embarrased, and even scared to talk to you about this situation, but I believe this is inappropreite behavior and I believe she needs counseling before it becomes worse". Anyways, this is a difficult situation and there are probably many ways you could go for this. You could even talk to the school counselor for advice. Good luck- G. Y.

Wow. I think you've already received some really thoughtful and smart advice. I'd just like to add that when each of my two children reached a certain age, I had a very serious talk with each of them about what is appropriate affection in our society. It took several talks with my son and I suppose I'll have several more with my daughter regarding her interactions with my boyfriend and the other men in her life. She's very cute and sweet but sometimes she really overdoes it with the affection and attention seeking. After reading your post, I feel like I'm on the right track nipping it now when she's 8. Best wishes to you.